Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did a thing. Was it bad?

507 replies

turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:23

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

OP posts:
Yourcatisnotsorry · 15/10/2021 20:20

Yanbu for telling her at all. Gf deserved to know. Man and OW deserve to suffer the consequences of their actions. I don’t think anything in the situation is fun but some folk love drama.

Bard6817 · 15/10/2021 20:29

Nasty. Glad i don’t know you in real life.

Yeah the guy is a sly b. You’re no better.

Bertiebiscuit · 15/10/2021 20:30

Well done - those who cheat on their partners deserve to be found out - you saved her from more humiliation

cansu · 15/10/2021 20:32

God, what a nasty thing to do! I shouldn't be surprised as the number of people on here that do this kind of shit is huge.

cansu · 15/10/2021 20:35

Guessing you have an issue with the man. You have dated him. You wanted to date him. You dislike the gf. You are jealous of the OW. You have nothing else in your life etc etc. None of these cover you in glory. But I find it hard to believe that you have done this because you dislike the idea of someone cheating and having unprotected sex!

KirstenBlest · 15/10/2021 20:36

How is it nasty? Most of the posters who have been cheated on, seem to be saying they would have preferred to know.

It's the man doing the cheating who is the nasty one.

ejhhhhh · 15/10/2021 20:37

If I was the gf I'd want to know. I don't think that what you did was all that bad.

FancySomeChips · 15/10/2021 20:54

Well done OP, she deserves to know. I’d 100% want to know if it were me!!!

CrankyFrankie · 15/10/2021 21:01

It does sound like you and he have a history Hmm
I’ve realised that I’d never do this to someone else, but also that I’d prefer to know if it were me. Double Hmm
I think the fact that I told my best mate (many moons ago) that her fella tried it on with me, but she stayed with him - that has maybe put me off getting involved again!

Campfirewood · 15/10/2021 21:06

Well done Op, sly bastard deserves his come uppence and the poor woman should know.

mussymummy · 15/10/2021 21:10

You sound horrible and the utter glee you are revelling in due to the drama you have caused us awful. Yes he should not have cheated and yes I don't disagree you should have told her however the enjoyment you are gaining out of this is pysochiopathic

Pinklioness · 15/10/2021 21:13

@TedMullins

So you think it’s better for them to just live in blissful ignorance? That I fundamentally disagree with. Like I said, you can be vindictive as well as also feeling like justice should be done.
I agree with you totally. So funny that people are talking about the messenger creating collateral damage and wrecking people's lives when it is clearly the cheater that does this.

Without the cheater cheating, there is no betrayal.

Hawkins001 · 15/10/2021 21:16

@waitingpatientlyforspring

As far as Mumsnet is concerned you can never do right for doing wrong. If asked most women say they would want to know if partner was cheating on them yet so many say to keep your nose out!

Personally I think you did the right thing op.

it is a puzzlement, and now the new one is you must add your identity to a note, even though the messenger may or may not be believed and even then the messenger could be blamed for breaking up the relationship ect and yet many comments seem to support that perspective of being open with your identity.
DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 21:35

it is a puzzlement, and now the new one is you must add your identity to a note, even though the messenger may or may not be believed and even then the messenger could be blamed for breaking up the relationship ect and yet many comments seem to support that perspective of being open with your identity.

What's puzzling you? Some of us are saying that if you feel justified in inserting yourself into people's lives to drop a bomb (that's not being a messenger. The postman who delivers your note is the messenger), you should be prepared to take whatever consequences there are to you as well, since you think it's worth everyone else suffering them.

If you don't think it's worth the pain to you, why are you deciding it's worth the greater pain to others?

If you're worried you won't be believed, why are you telling at all? And why are you lessening the chances of being believed by shadowing yourself?

Notaordinarygirl · 15/10/2021 21:37

Well done op. I would hope if I was in the same situation as the gf that I was told. At least now she can see the real person he is.
Brave of you to call him out

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 21:39

Anonymous letters are the opposite of brave, and she didn't call him out. She contacted his girlfriend.

Hawkins001 · 15/10/2021 21:42

@DrSbaitso

it is a puzzlement, and now the new one is you must add your identity to a note, even though the messenger may or may not be believed and even then the messenger could be blamed for breaking up the relationship ect and yet many comments seem to support that perspective of being open with your identity.

What's puzzling you? Some of us are saying that if you feel justified in inserting yourself into people's lives to drop a bomb (that's not being a messenger. The postman who delivers your note is the messenger), you should be prepared to take whatever consequences there are to you as well, since you think it's worth everyone else suffering them.

If you don't think it's worth the pain to you, why are you deciding it's worth the greater pain to others?

If you're worried you won't be believed, why are you telling at all? And why are you lessening the chances of being believed by shadowing yourself?

considering the majority of mumsnetters prefer to know if their partner is cheating and as people know cases where the messenger has been cast aside for various reasons then the main method is a message in secret to help the g/f thats being cheated on.
Hawkins001 · 15/10/2021 21:44

@DrSbaitso

Anonymous letters are the opposite of brave, and she didn't call him out. She contacted his girlfriend.
using your example, the person directly says to the cheating partner and i can prove it, all he has to say is your mistaken or spin his own version of what happened ect then even if the messanger is correct, the public relations could still be spun ect
DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 21:47

considering the majority of mumsnetters prefer to know if their partner is cheating and as people know cases where the messenger has been cast aside for various reasons then the main method is a message in secret to help the g/f thats being cheated on.

Mumsnet is a specific demographic that is particularly black and white on cheating, so I wouldn't take it as a cross section of what most people will necessarily want.

But that's irrelevant. The fact that most people on here would hide their identity doesn't change the fact that it's a cowardly and hypocritical way of telling. Of course we know they do it to protect themselves when they intentionally unleash a shitstorm. That's precisely what's so cowardly and hypocritical about it.

We have indeed had a lot of posters saying they wouldn't do it again after it didn't go the way they wanted. You think that's a reason to keep doing it anonymously, I think it's a reason for someone to reflect on why it's only when they suffer too that it's suddenly not worth doing.

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 21:49

using your example, the person directly says to the cheating partner and i can prove it, all he has to say is your mistaken or spin his own version of what happened ect then even if the messanger is correct, the public relations could still be spun ect

If your evidence is that shit, why are you telling?

Hawkins001 · 15/10/2021 21:49

@DrSbaitso

considering the majority of mumsnetters prefer to know if their partner is cheating and as people know cases where the messenger has been cast aside for various reasons then the main method is a message in secret to help the g/f thats being cheated on.

Mumsnet is a specific demographic that is particularly black and white on cheating, so I wouldn't take it as a cross section of what most people will necessarily want.

But that's irrelevant. The fact that most people on here would hide their identity doesn't change the fact that it's a cowardly and hypocritical way of telling. Of course we know they do it to protect themselves when they intentionally unleash a shitstorm. That's precisely what's so cowardly and hypocritical about it.

We have indeed had a lot of posters saying they wouldn't do it again after it didn't go the way they wanted. You think that's a reason to keep doing it anonymously, I think it's a reason for someone to reflect on why it's only when they suffer too that it's suddenly not worth doing.

so you advocate then that its fine for a person to be cheated on ?

why should the messenger be the one that takes the risks, bottom line why go into a relationship then cheat, why should the other partner accept being cheated on ?

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 21:51

so you advocate then that its fine for a person to be cheated on ?

If that's what you extrapolate from my opposition to anonymous notes, is there any point even trying to have an intelligent discussion with you?

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 21:53

why should the messenger be the one that takes the risks

Because they're changing the course of events and deliberately visiting consequences on others. Why is it worth it only as long as they don't suffer?

If it's your business enough to get involved, it's your business enough to take your own risks when you do it.

And you're not a messenger when you task yourself to do it.

Hawkins001 · 15/10/2021 22:01

@DrSbaitso

why should the messenger be the one that takes the risks

Because they're changing the course of events and deliberately visiting consequences on others. Why is it worth it only as long as they don't suffer?

If it's your business enough to get involved, it's your business enough to take your own risks when you do it.

And you're not a messenger when you task yourself to do it.

i understand or at least i think i understand your points about animity and the motives of the third party, i just wanted to stay focused on my points first rather than get bogged down in the details of a philosophical debate on the merits of being anonymous.
Sidehustle99 · 15/10/2021 22:10

Some crazy accusations on here. Malicious, really! She didn't make it up. Toxic would be telling everyone else and not the GF.

It's a fact the DP and OW are having an affair. I bet it's not his first. And you think she's got a toxic motive?

Each one of these accusatory comments leads me to believe she absolutely did the right thing with the anonymous note. Because otherwise the haters would all be pointing their finger at her for causing the pain/being the OW the list goes on. Projection like that is really not healthy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread