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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did a thing. Was it bad?

507 replies

turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:23

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

OP posts:
Forgothowtospell · 15/10/2021 18:55

I'm late to the party but I cant believe some of the comments. What happened to women supporting women. If I found out my DH was cheating and people knew and never told me, I would be really upset. You've done that woman a big favour and saved her from wasting any more of her life on him. Good for you!

randomthings · 15/10/2021 18:57

I think you did the right thing.

AuntMargo · 15/10/2021 18:57

No you are not evil ! He is

ivfbabymomma1 · 15/10/2021 18:59

If I was the gf I would want to know!

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 19:03

What happened to women supporting women.

The same thing that always happens to it. It never gets mentioned except as a stick to beat women with, or as a way of absolving sexually incontinent husbands from half the blame for what they do.

One other person (a betrayed wife) used it earlier and called the OW a "slapper". I know she's obviously hurting deeply, but would racist slurs be OK if the OW were black?

Nocutenamesleft · 15/10/2021 19:05

Hey. If I got a letter like that. After the initial shock. I’d be thanking the letter writer for opening my eyes!!

LadyRenoir · 15/10/2021 19:08

I would have preferred to know, so I dont get why all the peiople here go all upset that it was nasty to tell thr gf.

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 19:13

@LadyRenoir

I would have preferred to know, so I dont get why all the peiople here go all upset that it was nasty to tell thr gf.
Well, because some people feel differently to you.

After 16 pages, the arguments have all been laid out quite clearly even if you still don't agree.

Shadowsaftertherain · 15/10/2021 19:19

You did a thing. It wasn’t your business. You upset other people beyond the guy you dislike. It was vile behaviour. End of, Stop being fascinated and start being ashamed. What goes around comes around.

Marmite17 · 15/10/2021 19:22

You sound like a silly little girl tbh OP

wentworthinmate · 15/10/2021 19:31

I think you did the right thing. I would want to know even if painful at the time. If they found out you knew you'd be wrong for not saying anything! You can't win so just enjoy!

calvados · 15/10/2021 19:33

The real question is WHY did you do it? When you’ve established why, then you need to examine and work on yourself. I hope someone will be as ‘helpful’ should it happen to you.

Mummabear89 · 15/10/2021 19:35

The guy sounds like my ex. If someone had done this when he cheated the first time I would have been so much happier so much sooner. As it was I had an incling but had no proof and it only came to light about 7 years down the line that he'd been with several women whilst we were 'together'

Pudmyboy · 15/10/2021 19:48

On the relationship pages there are numerous posts of women who have committed to a man, had kids, then find out he has been having it off other women; they are always devastated as they thought their life was perfect. You have saved the gf from this. Plus, I would have loved to know when my scuzzy ex- was putting it about, wasted years on the twat. You have done something I would have appreciated and I bet in the end the gf will too.

Donnaslayer · 15/10/2021 19:49

Hey dont shoot the messenger! You did the right thing OP sending a letter.

No one likes the bearer of bad news, this way the GF got to focus on the issue at hand. A lying cheating SOB, unprotected sex... disgusting! No doubt he was stringing the OW along too, telling all kinda lies like I'll leave her but excuses excuses blah blah blah. Just shows what kind of a person he is, to blame the OW for outting him. Not remorseful one bit! Hopefully burnt his bridge with her also. In the long run you've done both these woman a big favour and saved them from wasting any more of their lives on him. Once a cheat, always a cheat! Good on you!

JonSnowIsALoser · 15/10/2021 19:51

You're fine OP. Funny how people get shocked by outing a cheat rather than by a cheat cheating. Serves him right, the hypocritical bastard. You've saved the girlfriend a lot of pain in the future. Thumbs up.

Garfy0505 · 15/10/2021 19:58

Good for you! Wish someone had sent me a letter rather than me grabbling around trying to figure our what was going on and questioning my own sanity. Not the best way to say it but better than saying nothing at all.

Getskinnyordietrying · 15/10/2021 20:00

The thing you need to remember is every single person on here that tells you it’s none of your business and that you’re in the wrong would also claim your in the wrong if you watched on and said nothing stating the gf has a right to know

Original poster
turnabouttime · 15/10/2021 20:10

@Ari202

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you are a ‘friend’ of the other woman, it sounds like you ARE the other woman. Your attitude changed when people started giving THEIR reasons for agreeing with you, and then you started saying their reasons like they were your own. I honestly 100% believe that you are the other woman.
You are completely wrong. I'm not the OW. But if you want to believe that, nothing I say is going to change your mind is it.
OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 15/10/2021 20:11

@Getskinnyordietrying

The thing you need to remember is every single person on here that tells you it’s none of your business and that you’re in the wrong would also claim your in the wrong if you watched on and said nothing stating the gf has a right to know
I disagree.
DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 20:11

@Getskinnyordietrying

The thing you need to remember is every single person on here that tells you it’s none of your business and that you’re in the wrong would also claim your in the wrong if you watched on and said nothing stating the gf has a right to know
Of course they wouldn't. What on earth is this bollocks? We're just making up crap now?

Anyway, if people do hold both opinions at once like some sort of Schrodinger's philanderer, why would the view you like be the right one?

Mumofthreeteenagers · 15/10/2021 20:13

Well done you! The right thing and the right way imo.

3scape · 15/10/2021 20:14

You did the right thing. GF deserves not to be treated like shit. He doesn't have the capacity not to. He turned around and blamed the other woman because he obviously rates himself so high thinking she's going to want him that bad. Both women better off without him.

Suzi888 · 15/10/2021 20:17

YANBU informing the gf, but it’s a very underhanded and gutless way of going about it in my opinion.

There will be people being blamed for exposing the affair that haven’t. Why couldn’t you be truthful.
You also admit you’ve enjoyed the drama, that’s rather unpleasant.

DrSbaitso · 15/10/2021 20:18

He turned around and blamed the other woman because he obviously rates himself so high thinking she's going to want him that bad.

Without wishing to excuse him for what he's doing, it's actually the most logical theory from his perspective. It's not especially arrogant to think that your affair partner is into you, and frankly the OW has more understandable motives than some random. Some OW are stupid enough to think that if they destroy the man's cosy set up, he'll somehow love them more.

Of course she's the prime suspect. Any idiot could have foreseen that.

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