I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

A few pages back I wrote about the concept of anonymity being used in the case of good.

Why does anonymity have to be bad if it uncovers lies, deceit, betrayals, hurt, abuse and misabuse of power?

It is used everyday to uncover many evils and in some cases it can be actually be wrong not to do your moral duty to inform of such bad behaviour that is hidden.

What do they say "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing", this woman's life is at a crossroads now and her life may take a different turn due to choices and facts she did not have before.

If you want proof of how not acting anonymously can change the course of someone's life or future read the current thread on chat that is covering the
Arthur Labinjo Huges case, which is currently on trial at the moment.

All I can do is cry for the poor boy and wish more people had anonymously tipped off the authorities.

RIP Arthur.

i just wanted to stay focused on my points first rather than get bogged down in the details of a philosophical debate on the merits of being anonymous.

Your points were about anonymity. You asked: "why should the messenger be the one that takes the risks" and tried to justify it with "the main method is a message in secret to help the g/f thats being cheated on."

What other points? You mean the ones about "what if my evidence is too shit to convince anyone?"? Well then maybe you don't know as much as you think!

Or the utterly risible suggestion that because I'm against anonymous notes, I'm pro-cheating?

Are you trying to make my argument for me?

I personally would rather not be told at all than told via some craven anonymous note. I may be a minority on MN for that, but I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world. I find it contemptible. If you believe you have the right to make permanent changes to my life, you can damn well at least tell me who you are. My husband's infidelity doesn't negate your own independent brand of dishonesty and self-serving obfuscation.

That's your opinion @DrSbaitso and I have mine.

She could've just let the scum bag get away with it and be a bystander. Instead she did what she thought was morally right.As I said I would want to know. Wouldn't you if your other half was doing the dirty on you?
Her enjoyment and fascination of the train wreck drama though is a different kettle of fish.

If you want proof of how not acting anonymously can change the course of someone's life or future read the current thread on chat that is covering the
Arthur Labinjo Huges case, which is currently on trial at the moment.

That's a child being killed, not consensual and legal, albeit morally dubious, sex. What a revolting thing to exploit to try to win an internet argument about anonymous notes regarding cheating.

Wouldn't you if your other half was doing the dirty on you?

Not by some anonymous shit stirrer, no. And possibly not even if there was a name to it.

You point out our differing opinions right before assuming I'm going to agree with you. People don't all think the same, which is why you should know the people involved pretty well before you make decisions for then.

@DrSbaitso

i just wanted to stay focused on my points first rather than get bogged down in the details of a philosophical debate on the merits of being anonymous.

Your points were about anonymity. You asked: "why should the messenger be the one that takes the risks" and tried to justify it with "the main method is a message in secret to help the g/f thats being cheated on."

What other points? You mean the ones about "what if my evidence is too shit to convince anyone?"? Well then maybe you don't know as much as you think!

Or the utterly risible suggestion that because I'm against anonymous notes, I'm pro-cheating?

Are you trying to make my argument for me?

I personally would rather not be told at all than told via some craven anonymous note. I may be a minority on MN for that, but I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world. I find it contemptible. If you believe you have the right to make permanent changes to my life, you can damn well at least tell me who you are. My husband's infidelity doesn't negate your own independent brand of dishonesty and self-serving obfuscation.

fair points, ill admit my debating style and structure of my debating methods and focus, does need improving.

You've done right. Saved her from a lifetime of misery!

@DrSbaitso

Wouldn't you if your other half was doing the dirty on you?

Not by some anonymous shit stirrer, no. And possibly not even if there was a name to it.

You point out our differing opinions right before assuming I'm going to agree with you. People don't all think the same, which is why you should know the people involved pretty well before you make decisions for then.

to ask the question rather than presume,

would you be ok with knowing a couple and knowing one was cheating on the other ? then what would you prefer to do to help the person that was being cheated on ?

@DrSbaitso I'm not assuming anything. If anything I was asking a question.
Like I replied to you, you have your opinion and I have mine. I won't change my mind and I wouldn't be bothered changing yours

would you be ok with knowing a couple and knowing one was cheating on the other ? then what would you prefer to do to help the person that was being cheated on ?

As I said earlier in the thread: it depends.

A few years ago I worked in an office where a married man was having an affair with one of the single women. I knew he was married but I didn't know anything about his wife. I'd spoken to him maybe three times for work purposes, barely knew either of them.

I COULD have looked up his home address and sent his wife a letter, or tried to find her on Facebook or something (didn't know her name and wasn't FB friends with either him or her). I didn't. Was I in the wrong? They divorced a short while later anyway.

A close friend, someone I'm actually connected to? Yes, if I truly thought it was for her benefit, she would want to know and I was available to be a support. I can think of a few scenarios where it might not be for the good or she might truly prefer to live in ignorance. Some people do; sorry, MN. If I wasn't sure, I'd probably try probing a bit. "Laura at work just found out from a friend that her husband was cheating, I wonder how I'd feel about that happening..." and hope she said something to guide me.

People and their relationships are complicated. I do not have absolutes on this. My feeling is that you need to know the situation and REALLY be motivated by the family's best interests, not your own vindictive desire never to see a cheater get away with it, whatever the human cost to everyone but you.

In fact, another example I'd forgotten about:

Years and years ago, a very dear friend had an emotional affair with a married man. She wasn't married, but in a long term relationship and having trouble, mostly because she'd just lost her mother and was a complete mess. She swore the affair was only emotional; personally, I do believe her although I can't know for certain. She's a good person, it was out of character. I told her I couldn't approve of it and she needed to end it, and I'd be there for her if she did.

She did end it. She started to heal from her bereavement and she ended up moving to a different country, marrying her partner and now they're happy, with two children and no hint of any trouble. I never told him and I don't intend to. Should I?

@DrSbaitso

would you be ok with knowing a couple and knowing one was cheating on the other ? then what would you prefer to do to help the person that was being cheated on ?

As I said earlier in the thread: it depends.

A few years ago I worked in an office where a married man was having an affair with one of the single women. I knew he was married but I didn't know anything about his wife. I'd spoken to him maybe three times for work purposes, barely knew either of them.

I COULD have looked up his home address and sent his wife a letter, or tried to find her on Facebook or something (didn't know her name and wasn't FB friends with either him or her). I didn't. Was I in the wrong? They divorced a short while later anyway.

A close friend, someone I'm actually connected to? Yes, if I truly thought it was for her benefit, she would want to know and I was available to be a support. I can think of a few scenarios where it might not be for the good or she might truly prefer to live in ignorance. Some people do; sorry, MN. If I wasn't sure, I'd probably try probing a bit. "Laura at work just found out from a friend that her husband was cheating, I wonder how I'd feel about that happening..." and hope she said something to guide me.

People and their relationships are complicated. I do not have absolutes on this. My feeling is that you need to know the situation and REALLY be motivated by the family's best interests, not your own vindictive desire never to see a cheater get away with it, whatever the human cost to everyone but you.

after reading that, i tip my hat so to speak, i appreciate your detailed answer, and i admit a few points i agreed with and a few i could see your perspectives.

after reading that, i tip my hat so to speak, i appreciate your detailed answer, and i admit a few points i agreed with and a few i could see your perspectives.

Thank you. Truly.

@DrSbaitso

after reading that, i tip my hat so to speak, i appreciate your detailed answer, and i admit a few points i agreed with and a few i could see your perspectives.

Thank you. Truly.

your welcome, i may not be the best at wording my points, often i make a pickle, but through having the debates i have, it helps to give me perspectives and different view points that i may not always see.

Because otherwise the haters would all be pointing their finger at her for causing the pain/being the OW the list goes on. Projection like that is really not healthy.

I can't believe you just openly made up shit about people to suit your perspective and then in the next sentence complained about projection.

@DrSbaitso

There you go again taking my comments of anonymity out of context as you do on most threads. A cheap shot to suggest I am comparing a child being killed by his stepmother, against being cheated on by a husband.

No one would ever compare the two or even suggest anyone would.
Your remark as a rebuttal disgusts me.

On numerous threads you have defended the actions of anyone who has been the ow, an affair apologist.

Many people have tried to explain their reasons for believing the affair is worse than the anonymity, stating first hand expeience of how painful it has been for them.

What I have never seen in your posts is an admittance of who you are, many will know my posts as being the betrayed wife, we know nothing of your stance, except the vague admittance on the polyamorus threads of you having experience of loving two men, whilst being with your pimary partner.

You also state now you have children it is not the way forward for you anymore.

So who are you, you are doubly anonymous as someone who has never backed up her views from actual experience, as most on here do.

You don't sound the most open of people so why would you expect someone who anonymously wants to throw a shit storm into your life 'if you want to do that you can damm well tell me who you are"

You will go round the houses on every thread defending the ow and being an affair apologist.

As I said the master of subterfuge.

@Zarene

What a horrible thing to do.

Yes. Having an affair IS horrible. His girlfriend deserved to know. @turnabouttime Even though people on here will have a go at you - you did the right thing. I wish people had told me about my husband's affair rather than either keeping it quiet or ignoring it. Would have saved me many many years of heartache.

A cheap shot to suggest I am comparing a child being killed by his stepmother, against being cheated on by a husband

Your words, in a discussion about the ethics of anonymous notes exposing cheaters: "If you want proof of how not acting anonymously can change the course of someone's life or future read the current thread on chat that is covering the Arthur Labinjo Huges case, which is currently on trial at the moment."

It's clearly a direct comparison, trying to draw a moral parallel between the two. People can read it for themselves. If you now regret it, as you should, then retract it. There's no shame in that; quite the opposite.

The only cheap shot here is you bringing up my irrelevant sexual history to try to suggest I don't have sexual ethics. You have the details wrong anyway (yes, I was vague. Conjecture sucks!), and as I believe I said in that post, everything was open, honest and above board in that long ago time of my life. Yes, it is one reason why my view of affairs is a bit more nuanced. That's not because I had any, because I didn't, or to say affairs are OK, because they aren't. It's simply because it helped me to see that it is possible to have sexual experiences with other people, and still love your main partner just as much.

I am sorry you are a betrayed wife. I would not wish that on anyone.

Oh, and:

On numerous threads you have defended the actions of anyone who has been the ow

Well that's just flat out bollocks, like the rest of it.

That's the problem with the full on black and white thinking on here. I said I'm against anonymous notes and got accused of being pro cheating. I sometimes mention that my view on affairs is not absolute for all cases, and that I think cheaters are 100% responsible with no shared blame (and to believe this, you have to believe affairs are wrong!), and I'm an affair apologist and OW defender.

I wish someone had told me that my ex was seeng another woman. Its so upsetting now when I tell folks and they say ah yes it's been going on a long time hasn't it, like Im supposed to have known the whole time. Despite the claims from ex its not been going on that long seems it was at least 12 months before I realised and he's just continues to be a devious Knobhead. Not sure Id have done it the way you did, think I would have told him I knew what was going on and he better confess before I told.

Again you deliberately misunderstood.

That case is important as many people have been left asking why more people did not intervene anonymously, they were not expected to reveal themselves, there is so much regret and remorse for not acting anonymously.

The op acted upon her concience, against an injustice, whether you feel that injustice is is great enough is neither here nor there, it was her own weight of justice that decided her actions.

How can you be against anonymous notes, sometimes those notes save lives.

You are minimising how damaging it can be to be involved with a cheat.
They can be people who can do a great deal of damage to other people, it is not all sweetness and light when people have affairs, sometimes there is a very dark side that leaves people permanently damaged by the abusive effects of a known liar.

I think op made the right call, this man could have gone on to be the most abusive, gaslighting twat ever known to man.

As a woman, I think she did her sister a favour.

I hope you remain in ignorant bliss if anyone betrays you.

@TopCatsTopHat

Not true you should only speak up if you're willing to put your name on it. There are always situations where anonymous whistle blowing means a bad thing can end without an innocent witness being dragged down with the sinking ship, or attacked just for coming into some knowledge they never asked for. Crack on op. Bastard got his due... Sadly rarer than it should be. I'd buy you a pint.

Absolutely, especially when it comes to safeguarding. Not in this case obviously but someone could come after you if they know you've reported them.

I am sorry you are a betrayed wife. I would not wish that on anyone.

You seem to wish on anyone to be an uninformed betrayed wife.

@smilingontheinside

I wish someone had told me that my ex was seeng another woman. Its so upsetting now when I tell folks and they say ah yes it's been going on a long time hasn't it, like Im supposed to have known the whole time. Despite the claims from ex its not been going on that long seems it was at least 12 months before I realised and he's just continues to be a devious Knobhead. Not sure Id have done it the way you did, think I would have told him I knew what was going on and he better confess before I told.

As they say "always last to know". I'd want to know too, anonymously if need be than be with a cheat who's putting my health at risk by sleeping around. Sorry about your situation. Hope you find happiness and forget him.