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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I make him understand the importance of honesty?

184 replies

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:10

Looking for some advice and had some really beneficially help before so keen to hear opinions. I am really struggling to get my husband to understand I need honesty in a relationship. I seem to uncover lie after lie some trivial, some pretty big and have an impact on our lives. My husbands reaction is to continue to lie even when faced with evidence or occasionally say he has lied because he couldn’t be arsed to deal with my reaction to whatever it was. Today was a new one where he tried to convince me I was already aware and had some how forgotten!! In the past there have been times when I have lost it over the bigger lies but not actually because of the issue that was being lied about but because I have found out rather than being told. I have taken his feedback on board and we have had talks where we have agreed I promise not to judge or overreact and he promises to just be open and transparent with whatever has happened. Then it just happens again and he says if I don’t trust him we are over! I am really at a loss I can’t live like this and I don’t see why I should have to, is it worth a last ditch conversation to say get everything out on the table and draw a line moving forward or am I wasting my time and delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 13/10/2021 20:13

it just happens again and he says if I don’t trust him we are over!

I’d tell him it’s over, then.

Because you CANNOT trust him. And that’s on him, not you.

He’s made it impossible for you to trust him.

And without trust you can’t have a committed relationship.

Blaming it on you doesn’t work - he lies. So why would you trust his opinion of why?

category12 · 13/10/2021 20:16

He sounds like a compulsive liar and gaslighter.

It's really bad for your own mental health to live with someone you can't trust. Recommend you quit him.

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 20:17

People who lie all the time will not stop. They just do it as normal as some of us breathe. I too understand that what you are saying but they do not change at all and he seems to be also gas lighting you to make you believe that he already told you. Think of yourself now and what you want and is this how you want to live for the rest of your life. Maybe take a few days away to clear your head where you can think straight. Sorry you are going through this as it messes up your head.

BrilloPaddy · 13/10/2021 20:18

Some people are honest. Some people are dishonest.

It's who they are.

Trying to change them is like fighting the tide or the wind.

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:21

Agreed but it’s not that simple, emotionally - we have kids and I do love him despite the shit, practically- I don’t think I could afford (through no fault of my own) to live anywhere local to work other than back with my parents if he wasn’t contributing to the household and I really couldn’t do that. I just don’t understand why he won’t stop?!

OP posts:

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:22

Yeah the gas lighting thing today really pissed me off.

OP posts:

PorkTheDork · 13/10/2021 20:25

What is he lying about?

Workinghardeveryday · 13/10/2021 20:26

I agree with pp. Some people lie instinctively, others don’t. You can’t change him.

My dp lies. I don’t trust him. I am not happy, just pretend to myself most of the time I am, deep down I know I am not. It’s almost like something is missing and it is, honesty

Gemma2019 · 13/10/2021 20:32

You will never change him. Even living with your parents would be better than living with a pathological liar. Don't waste any more precious decades on this man.

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:33

Today he got a letter about a loan he has transferring to a new company as it’s been bought out or something along those lines. I knew nothing about this loan and in fact have been contributing to his debt to help pay it off. When I asked him what it was about and when he took out another loan he said its car finance I am already aware of that he told me was paid ago. It’s a load of rubbish this has got nothing to do with the loan he referring to (even if it was a lie he paid it off) it’s a completely different company I have a very good memory unfortunately. Bit pissed off as thought debt was nearly gone but my anger is about why he can’t just say yep that’s what he’s done I’d have so much more than respect for him even if I was annoyed.

OP posts:

Haffiana · 13/10/2021 20:34

Can you change to ignore his lies? -If you can't, then you must understand that he can't change either.

You say you need honesty. Then you need to find a way to support yourself financially and get out.

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:34

It must be shit lying all the time though and exhausting and just crap never having anyone you can share stuff with I can not get my head around it

OP posts:

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/10/2021 20:35

You can't. Its pathological for some people. They cannot help themselves, its like breathing to them. Sorry.

samwitwicky · 13/10/2021 20:38

I seriously had to double check I didn't write this myself.

If he doesn't acknowledge the lies there's not much you can do.

If he does, he needs help. DH is having counselling at the moment but he has relapsed.

I don't have much advice but we also have children so just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 20:38

He does not worry himself with the lies though as it is second nature to him. He needs some sort of counselling to get to the root cause of it but it is not your job to fix him. Tell him things have to change as cannot live like this forever.. It will effect the children and know how hard it is and how uncertain you feel thinking about the future and if you leave. But staying with someone just for finances is not a life. Peace of mind counts for so much more and he will get more in debt and not tell you about it. Please talk to your mum or friends and maybe see a counsellor on your own not with him as he will gaslight you in front of them. Hope you can sort something out or make some plans for the future but something has to change.

SarahDippity · 13/10/2021 20:38

‘I promise not to judge or overreact.’

What an unfair position he has you in! You’re entitled to honesty and respect in your relationship. How dare he tell you how to react when you cell him out on dishonesty.

Dishonesty about debt (shudders) exposes the whole family to financial risk, and you’re not allowed ask him about it?!

I’d be gone. Sorry.

category12 · 13/10/2021 20:39

You seem pretty accepting that he's lied about something like that.

You're not going to get into a stronger financial position while you're stuck with a liar who is hiding debts.

bluebling · 13/10/2021 20:43

Last ditch conversation would be pointless because you can't trust him. He is a liar, it's who he is. He won't change.

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:46

I am not accepting I am really annoyed but the hurt at being lied to AGAIN is almost overriding the practicality these days of fixing whatever thing he’s now done ( which apparently in the case is nothing cos I already knew) I would honestly be overjoyed if just said I fucked up even if the truth is awful it would mean
so much more than wondering what’s happening next.

OP posts:

Original poster

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:47

Plus it makes me overthink and wonder why you would go to such lengths to lie about these things and then I come up with all sorts of theories much worse than what probably happened

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 13/10/2021 20:48

Get yourself an your kids the bloody hell out of there op.

He is abusive.
And you are currently on the victim merry go round of 'if I could just explain why his behaviour is hurtful in the right way, maybe he wpuld understand and stop'. Its YOU that needs to understand- he KNOWS what he is doing.

If you ever find yourself trying to explain why shitty, hurtful behaviour is shitty and hurtful to a grown man- you are in an abusive relationship.

This relationship is what you are modeling for your children. They in turn will grow up thinking that they have to stay with an abusive partner and try and fix them by changing themself.

It is critical that you stop this from happening.
Step off the merry go round. Stop trying to change you in order to fix him. Because he isn't broken. He is just nothing like you.

Stop telling the lion to stop chewing on your leg.
He does not want to!

Start taking steps to get free of him. So that you can provide a safe space for your children to retreat to and so that you can be a healthy role model on how to deal with fuckheads.

Speak with womens aid for advice. Find out what money you would be entitled to too. Take steps, you can do it. And when your kids are grown they will be bloody glad you did, as opposed to staying with a dickhead abd having the audacity to blame them for it.

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 14/10/2021 08:57

I thought your post was going to be about a small son telling porkies.

This is a grown man who lies persistently and elaborately as an automatic alternative to telling you the truth, even when you sound reasonable and supportive.

I don't think anything you can say or do will change this. Maybe some in depth therapy but he would need to accept the problem first, surely, or he will just lie to the therapist.

If you're really keen to stay, maybe you could keep a record of his lies: date, incident, lay out the string of lies, the eventual truth, how long it took you to get there, the outcome. Present him with this, make clear you can't live with this level of deception and time wasting, getting to the bottom of issues that affect your life, finances, household too, and give him the opportunity to explain himself and engage with a way to stop. No excuses about the actual incidents, which will doubtless not be his fault, but why there is this evidenced pattern of dishonesty.

You mention you have a good memory so can stay on top of this, which must be exhausting and make you doubt yourself. What if you start suffering memory loss in later years, and he doesn't? He will make your life absolute hell. You won't know if you're coming or going. I would be bearing that in mind.

category12 · 14/10/2021 09:03

Also, it wears away at you, being lied to and being gas-lighted - you lose confidence in your own perceptions. And you should be a team as a couple, not treated like the enemy to be evaded and deceived.

In retrospect, I do think my ex used to get a thrill out of "getting one over on me", it wasn't that he was "afraid" of how I would react or that he was trying to protect me or whatever bullshit he used to say about it, he actually got off on it.

Salayes · 14/10/2021 09:11

Are you saying you’ve been helping to pay off a debt of his and just as it was nearing completion you discovered he’s taken out more debt and is lying about it?

How can you possibly agree to not react negatively to something like that? He’s put you in a real bind - he does shitty things and lies about it, leaving you to discover truths that materially affect you - like more debt. Or, he does shitty things and tells you the truth and you have to just swallow it. He’s taking the absolute piss.

Why does he keep lying? Who knows, for some people it’s a way of life and automatic. For others it’s a way to do what they want and they lie so as not to have to face any consequences.

Are these loans the only way he is irresponsible with money? Because you say you can’t afford to leave him - but how is staying with him affecting your financial situation?

PersonaNonGarter · 14/10/2021 09:15

OP, please go and get some therapy. Your confidence will plummet if you live your life like this.

Money and lying - this is not going to end well.

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