How can I make him understand the importance of honesty?

[7917Kj]

Looking for some advice and had some really beneficially help before so keen to hear opinions. I am really struggling to get my husband to understand I need honesty in a relationship. I seem to uncover lie after lie some trivial, some pretty big and have an impact on our lives. My husbands reaction is to continue to lie even when faced with evidence or occasionally say he has lied because he couldn’t be arsed to deal with my reaction to whatever it was. Today was a new one where he tried to convince me I was already aware and had some how forgotten!! In the past there have been times when I have lost it over the bigger lies but not actually because of the issue that was being lied about but because I have found out rather than being told. I have taken his feedback on board and we have had talks where we have agreed I promise not to judge or overreact and he promises to just be open and transparent with whatever has happened. Then it just happens again and he says if I don’t trust him we are over! I am really at a loss I can’t live like this and I don’t see why I should have to, is it worth a last ditch conversation to say get everything out on the table and draw a line moving forward or am I wasting my time and delaying the inevitable?

If you plan to leave why not just leave? He’s has run cos he got found out and was backed into a corner with evidence so rather than own his shit he has decided to say what I have seen is nothing and he’s sick of being with me. He wasn’t sick of me this morning just sick of me when he’s asked something he can’t answer

Thank you for the advice I feel dreadful right now but I will start being practical and he’s not coming back after this no matter how much I loved him

Start doing credit checks on your name to see if he has taken any loans out that you may be responsible for.
Good luck 💐

Classic gaslighting behaviour on his part. He is trying to make you think it’s all your fault. It’s not. It’s likely he won’t change. He clearly thinks he doesn’t need to. You can change though, leave him and have a better life. Good luck.

If you plan to leave why not just leave?

Because he wants to make it your fault. It’s a power game - he’s controlling you. That’s what all the “ pointless “ lies are about, like not telling you about the travel plans that already booked.

He enjoys controlling you , being in charge so you can’t plan your week. He wants to be the one who tells you when he feels you need to know.

He likes that feeling of power and control when you spend years explaining to him why truth is important and tying yourself in knots to explain better.

He is horribly abusive and you are well rid of him.

You need to read this

freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

Or here

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Or of course you can buy the book .

You've done the right thing op. You don't NOTHING wrong either. Questioning your dh about his lies and pulling him up in flirting with someone isn't wrong, infact it's more than right. Him turning it on you is wrong

I strongly suspect hes had his head turned by this woman and has used you questioning him about it as an excuse to go and see if the grass is greener.

Regarding responding, only respond to a direct question about the dc 'how are the dc?' You respond 'fine'

He didn't give a shit about then when he was running up debt, flirting with ow and packing his bags and leaving eh

I just feel numb and I don’t know where to start. I feel really alone my mum has to go away for work for the next few days so I will be on my own for a bit

Just focus on getting to the end of each day. Be there for the kids; look after yourself - little kindnesses even if it's just a cup of tea and a biscuit, an early night! When everything's swirling round your head, write it down - it's useful to have something to look back at when you're feeling lonely later and considering taking him back! And it also helps to dislodge those thoughts from your brain so you can switch off from them and focus on your kids again.

And repeat until you get through the week

He’s said he’s paying nothing for the kids next month as he has no where to live and that he won’t ever be able to pay anything substantial as after his outgoings he has nothing left. He said I earn more than him and it’s for me to work how we will live. Is this really how it works? I am going to have to completely ruin my good credit rating and be put on a debt management plan so I can afford to keep a roof over our heads and still be left with little to nothing for the boys

It's not up to him how much he pays for child maintenance, as much as I'm sure he'd like to pick and choose when and how much, the choice isn't his.

Ring up cms and log a claim, they will speak to him directly and ensure he pays. If he doesn't it will be taken out at source. There's a cms calculator that you can use which will tell you how much you can expect to receive.

I meant to add, do you own the house or is it rented? Joint tenants?

It’s rented joint tenants. I used the calculator and he sent it to him he said I will never get anywhere near that much and that the csa won’t have him living on the streets. He told me to get that into my thick skull and that he would sort it out and be in touch

What an absolute cunt that man is. Jesus Christ. So sorry OP

Is he right in what he is saying? Is there nothing I can do?

There's something wrong with him OP, he's not a good person. I'd guess he's been very damaged by his childhood. You sound lovely please don't doubt yourself, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. He is a lying, gas lighting, manipulative, nasty man. You've ended up with no friends - you say because you've put all your time into the relationship - I'd guess this very much suited him and was probably engineered by him to some degree. I hope you get lots of support from your mum, you will be brilliant without him, it might be hard but you won't have him dragging you down in ways you're not even fully aware of because he is so manipulative. Give yourself time to grieve this relationship and then be brilliant xxx

@7917Kj

Is he right in what he is saying? Is there nothing I can do?

OP learn now, you cannot trust anything he says. You need to do everything through the official channels because he will not do anything to help you in any way. He is blaming you for everything and will treat you like shit to try and drag you down, he's shown his true colours and he is nasty. Do not allow him to make you doubt yourself. Don't ask him anything or suggest anything. If you can get some counselling to advise you on how to handle getting away from and sorting things out. But please don't trust a word he says you know he is a liar.

I don’t trust him and I am not going to take his word for anything I have taken Wednesday off and will be sorting everything out officially csa, debt plans, council tax single occupancy, taking his name off everything etc. I am just scared this is going to complete ruin me and boys and he will be able walk away like nothing happened as he has no expendable income.

Haha I love it when men think that they can dictate what they want to pay, and how much. He's talking out of his arse and in for a very big shock! If he refuses to pay, they will take the money out of his wages before he receives them, and it'll cost him more because the csa will take a fee for having to do it.

Don't believe a word out of his mouth op.

I ended up having to go on a debt plan after my ex left, it was fine, I sorted it all out and 6 years later I've got an excellent credit score and I've just bought a house with a mortgage all on my own.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Haha I love it when men think that they can dictate what they want to pay, and how much. He's talking out of his arse and in for a very big shock! If he refuses to pay, they will take the money out of his wages before he receives them, and it'll cost him more because the csa will take a fee for having to do it.

Don't believe a word out of his mouth op.

I ended up having to go on a debt plan after my ex left, it was fine, I sorted it all out and 6 years later I've got an excellent credit score and I've just bought a house with a mortgage all on my own.

Thank you that has given me some hope! I am glad it all worked out for you and I just hope it will for us too the kids don’t deserve this neither do I but o shouldn’t have put up with it for so long, I actually can’t believe how blind I was. Saturday morning telling me he loves me more than anything in the world, Saturday night gone and telling me he detests me and I’ve given him 20 years of hell

Keep every message from him; change the locks; make sure your bank account/ credit card are separate.
He was backed in a corner so came out fighting; I foresee him coming back in a while, tail between his legs asking you to take him back because 'it was all your fault'... in reality it will be because he realises how hard life will be without you subsidising him and his lifestyle.

But never forget, these early days might be tough, but you will be immeasurably better off without him in the long run.

Definitely don't believe a word he says. However, it's clear he's going to make you fight for everything so prepare yourself for that battle. But take him out of the equation - do what you have to do to sort things and don't rely on him to be honest/step up/help in any way. I'm sort of surprised he hasn't come up with the old, "I'm going to take the kids away from you and the courts will let me because you're so terrible" yet.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

He's not right. Be prepared for him turning up and demanding to be let in, threatening to kick the door in, etc. This is a risky time for you know, but if you can ride this out, things will get better.

Oh OP this sounds shit, and I'm so sorry for you.

You've been with him since you were 16, you'll now see a whole new life - an uncontrolled, you can do what you want, life.

No walking on eggshells, no wondering what's coming in the post, no trying to avoid questions - but a nice life with your kids.

CMS don't care what debts he has to pay - if you go through the official channels the money is taken from his salary BEFORE his debt repayments, let him arrange a debt management plan if he needs to get one - don't agree to take any of the debt on into your own name (my DM made this mistake just to finalise a divorce and it took her years to get out while he walked away pretty much scot free)

paying nothing for the kids next month as he has no where to live that's not your problem, if he says things like this just do not respond, don't get angry, don't converse. Just ignore.

He would never ask for the kids he doesn’t want them if the truth be told. I told him he had left us with nothing and I wasn’t going to be able to afford to buy food or pay bills and he said it’s a me problem and I have made him live in a car. I didn’t make him do anything he said it was over I asked him to leave rather than staying and screaming shouting and throwing things in front of the kids