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Original poster

How can I make him understand the importance of honesty?

184 replies

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:10

Looking for some advice and had some really beneficially help before so keen to hear opinions. I am really struggling to get my husband to understand I need honesty in a relationship. I seem to uncover lie after lie some trivial, some pretty big and have an impact on our lives. My husbands reaction is to continue to lie even when faced with evidence or occasionally say he has lied because he couldn’t be arsed to deal with my reaction to whatever it was. Today was a new one where he tried to convince me I was already aware and had some how forgotten!! In the past there have been times when I have lost it over the bigger lies but not actually because of the issue that was being lied about but because I have found out rather than being told. I have taken his feedback on board and we have had talks where we have agreed I promise not to judge or overreact and he promises to just be open and transparent with whatever has happened. Then it just happens again and he says if I don’t trust him we are over! I am really at a loss I can’t live like this and I don’t see why I should have to, is it worth a last ditch conversation to say get everything out on the table and draw a line moving forward or am I wasting my time and delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 14/10/2021 12:22

My Husband is the same, but we’ve only been married for 18 months.
I’m currently saving money so that I can throw him out of my house.

He lies about so many small little things in a daily basis, that there is no way I can trust him with anything!

Just wanted to say you aren’t alone in this.

Triffid1 · 14/10/2021 12:26

So.... he lies about big things to hide the fact that he is making bad financial decisions, over spending and getting into debt?

Then he also lies about the smaller things? Often things that him lying about leave you feeling out of control and on edge - eg when is he going to be at home or when will he be away for work?

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you at all. I could not live like this.

My mother was a compulsive liar. Mostly small stuff and mostly because it felt easier to her than telling the truth because she couldn't justify whatever she'd decided to do or just was too lazy to go through it. I can see that it came from a place of deep insecurity but it had an extremely negative impact on my relationship with her.

wombatspoopcubes · 14/10/2021 12:32

It doesn't sound like there is a future in your relationship. So best just get it over with.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/10/2021 12:35

I couldn’t financially leave my wages if left - would just cover rent, bills, food and debt payments. I would have zero money left for anything else

But at this rate you'll have nothing left for anything else anyway.
You're already earning the lion's share of the household income and managing all the money, and still he's lying about finances

You do realise, don't you, that he could easily take you down with him?

Original poster
7917Kj · 14/10/2021 12:41

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I couldn’t financially leave my wages if left - would just cover rent, bills, food and debt payments. I would have zero money left for anything else

But at this rate you'll have nothing left for anything else anyway.
You're already earning the lion's share of the household income and managing all the money, and still he's lying about finances

You do realise, don't you, that he could easily take you down with him?

How could he take me down with him? We have no joint finance and we rent?
OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/10/2021 13:00

How could he take me down with him? We have no joint finance and we rent?

Potentially, because you've no real way of knowing what you're signed up to
He lies, remember, and liars can be very clever - especially if they perceive they've got themselves someone who'll stick around no matter what

In any case, even if you could be absolutely certain of every last pennt of your own money, is this really the life you want for yourself?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/10/2021 13:01

Penny of course, not pennt (whatever that means!!)

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/10/2021 13:07

He could easily be taking out finance in your name. In fact if I were you I'd sign up to credit karma or experian (both free) and check there's nothing unexpected, and get email alerts if anything new appears.

Triffid1 · 14/10/2021 13:13

Tend to agree that he the finance stuff is worrying for you. You're married so if you separated, the debts would be added, even if they are in his name. And he's a liar, so it's entirely possible that he has more debts that you don't know about and you'll start getting bailiffs at the door. or that he's been using your name for these debts. Or that he has done other things that he lies about and would negatively impact you.

I do think it's odd that you seem to think the issue is that he lies only. Not what he's lying about. Or why he's lying - what is he hiding? what is he trying to do to your psyche?

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2021 13:17

What debt do you have? Did you take some on for him?

If your wage would cover most things you can renegotiate the debt, apply for benefits like CTC etc, get CM from him, get reductions in council tax etc as a single adult household.

NewlyGranny · 14/10/2021 13:32

He could totally take you down with him. You're married, so his debts are your debts too unless you get legally protected from that!

Original poster
7917Kj · 14/10/2021 14:29

@Triffid1

Tend to agree that he the finance stuff is worrying for you. You're married so if you separated, the debts would be added, even if they are in his name. And he's a liar, so it's entirely possible that he has more debts that you don't know about and you'll start getting bailiffs at the door. or that he's been using your name for these debts. Or that he has done other things that he lies about and would negatively impact you.

I do think it's odd that you seem to think the issue is that he lies only. Not what he's lying about. Or why he's lying - what is he hiding? what is he trying to do to your psyche?

I am concerned about what he lies about but I’ve learnt over time that so much of it has no reason behind it other than because he can. I’ve spent years analysing why you would go to such length of to lie about rubbish and there’s no logical reasons he seems to just want to, whether it’s a control thing or something he is incapable of stopping I don’t know. He also has a big thing about being controlled and feeling like I don’t need to know everything just the selected bits he tells me. When I probe he says I have no boundaries and he doesn’t ask me any of these things so why can’t he have stuff that’s his and as long as he deals with it it doesn’t effect me. He doesn’t like to ask for help or admit he’s struggling
OP posts:
Ruby0707 · 14/10/2021 14:48

My ex was like this to the point where he would lie about little things, almost like an automatic response. It was his go to when asked a question. I felt like this was just the way men were as it happened so often.

Turns out he was also lying about bigger things, such as girls he was messaging behind my back.

That along with other things, caused immeasurable damage to my self esteem and trust which I am still dealing with today.

layladomino · 14/10/2021 16:22

His comment about you should trust him is laughable! Of course you shouldn't - he has shown that time and again, and continues to do so. So the one thing you do know is that you SHOULDN'T trust him.

And that is exhausting and relationship-wrecking as you never know when he's telling the truth and when he's not. You know he's happy to lie, which means you can't trust a word he says. About anything. Ever.

In my opinion, honesty is at the absolute centre of any relationship. If you don't have trust you don't have a good relationship. It is vital. Fundamental.

He knows he lies. He knows it's wrong. He knows it bothers you. But he doesn't care enough to change. Maybe he enjoys deceiving you, enjoys the power it gives him. He certainly doesn't mind about being dishonest and you knowing it.

He is playing mind games.

He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better.

category12 · 14/10/2021 16:36

But he can take you down with him because when you're married you can be liable for debts he incurs. If you benefit from debt he takes out, ie he's using it to fund the family's lifestyle rather than, say, motorbikes and gambling, then it may well be considered yours as well. That's one of the disadvantages of marriage.

flicktheswitch22 · 14/10/2021 16:39

You can't and you never will. I learned this the hard way.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 17:51

To update I looked at his work phone and saw a series of really flirty suggestive messages to a colleague including in the evening whilst he was away with work last week , he said it’s banter and I can’t control who he speaks to and that he’s had enough of me so he’s left, something in me has switched he literally looked like he couldn’t give a shit and I now know this is going nowhere and I don’t deserve to be treated like this but I feel heartbroken cos I loved him more than anything and heartbroken for my children who don’t have understand what has just happened or why

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 16/10/2021 18:03

Oh OP, I totally understand why you're heartbroken but I have to be honest and say that this sounds like he's done you a favour. The lies were clearly far more significant than you wanted to believe - in terms of what he lied about and what he was using lies to hide.

I suspect he might come back. But please don't let him. By leaving, and devastating you then coming back he's simply trying to ensure that you don't question him EVER again. Please please please don't fall into this trap.

ArranMumma · 16/10/2021 18:04

I have no idea what the situation is obviously and don’t know the ins and outs but .. often people lie because they are concerned about the reaction the other person will have. Do you usually fly off the handle over small things or moan or just generally cause a bad atmosphere? Could be that he can’t be bothered with your reaction so feels it’s easier just to lie.

ArranMumma · 16/10/2021 18:05

Oh sorry I just saw your update about the other woman. That sucks

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2021 18:10

If you take him back you're insane. This man is worthless.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 18:11

I feel like I am going to be physically sick. I can’t believe he has gone and tried to turn it round on me he was just angry and aggressive not even vaguely remorseful.
Packed his bags and said I will be in touch I asked where he was going and he said it’s none of my business anymore. This is 20 years of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 18:20

Should I have not said anything?

OP posts:
Asurvivor · 16/10/2021 18:23

They lie because they believe they can get away with it, as simple as that. Every time you excuse away your dh’s behaviour / blame it on your “over-reaction” just adds to his perception that he can fool you and reduces his respect for you. Compulsive liars are dangerous to get too close to in my experience, they don’t have the same morals as regular people - and you don’t know what he will lie about next or how you could be damaged by that. Wake up and get out is my advice.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 18:25

Would anyone else have been ok with this am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
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