How can I make him understand the importance of honesty?

[7917Kj]

Looking for some advice and had some really beneficially help before so keen to hear opinions. I am really struggling to get my husband to understand I need honesty in a relationship. I seem to uncover lie after lie some trivial, some pretty big and have an impact on our lives. My husbands reaction is to continue to lie even when faced with evidence or occasionally say he has lied because he couldn’t be arsed to deal with my reaction to whatever it was. Today was a new one where he tried to convince me I was already aware and had some how forgotten!! In the past there have been times when I have lost it over the bigger lies but not actually because of the issue that was being lied about but because I have found out rather than being told. I have taken his feedback on board and we have had talks where we have agreed I promise not to judge or overreact and he promises to just be open and transparent with whatever has happened. Then it just happens again and he says if I don’t trust him we are over! I am really at a loss I can’t live like this and I don’t see why I should have to, is it worth a last ditch conversation to say get everything out on the table and draw a line moving forward or am I wasting my time and delaying the inevitable?

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Oh OP, that's dreadful. You're absolutely right - you do not deserve any of this!

And now the scales have fallen from your eyes, you can start moving towards a time when the fuckwit has no power to upset you any more. It's hard to believe right now, but he's done you a favour - as long as, like Triffid1 says, you don't let him wheedle his way back in when he thinks you've suffered enough...

[category12]

In time, you'll be glad this happened. FGS don't go chasing after him, even if you're desperate to. Let him go. He has been making you so unhappy and confused for so long, he's a liar, a gaslighter and a cheat.

Ride out your emotions, you will be OK, you will do better for kids without him. Be gentle with yourself.

[EKGEMS]

@7917Kj He's trampled your self worth down so much you're blaming yourself for a deceitful little toad who is happy to lie,cheat and steal! Stay away and don't do the pick me dance-go to chunplady.com. I'm so sorry,you did nothing wrong-DARVO is his style-deny,attack,reverse victim and offender-emotional manipulation by him

[EKGEMS]

Chumplady.com sorry for typo

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

And no, you could not have been fairer to him. There's no way putting up and shutting up is a healthy approach to lying in a relationship! The very idea is ridiculous and it's a sign of how downtrodden by him you've become that you're questioning yourself and wondering if he's got a point. He has not! In fact, assume for now that everything he says it's bollocks!

[Asurvivor]

Its sad to see you doubting yourself OP, you are not in the wrong, you have done nothing wrong. He is lying to you, it is his behaviour that has caused all of this, not yours. Look after yourself and your children, put you and your children first.

[7917Kj]

He was talking this morning about moving further out and making plans for the future, why would you do this when he clearly has no love or emotion towards me and the kids at all?

[Anon778833]

I’d say you are wasting your time. It is not your responsibility to teach him how to be a decent person.

[SleepingStandingUp]

My 6yo understands lies aren't OK.
Sometimes he tells small ones, but he understands there are consequences.

I couldn't be in a relationship who's concept of truth is worse than a 6 yos

[7917Kj]

Well I’m not in a relationship with him anymore but like I said still devastated, don’t know how I am going to put a brave face on for the kids, don’t know how I am going to pay for anything, don’t know how I am ever going on to trust anyone again. If I didn’t have the boys I would just give up

[Asurvivor]

Well you pay his debts and he has managed to persuade that you that when he flirts with other women you need to just accept that (otherwise you are “controlling” him). So I can completely see why he would want to remain in this relationship, he gets what he wants out of it, but what does it give you OP (other than worry and stress)?

[7917Kj]

Nothing the realisation has hit me now but I literally feel broken

[WeAreTheHeroes]

You've got your answer now OP: he'd no intention of changing because he's found someone else to either lie to and manipulate or who also has the same lack of integrity as he does and has the same low moral outlook.

He's done you a favour although it doesn't feel like it right now. Of course he's blaming you. Easier to blame you than take responsibility for his lack of honesty. He's got form for doing this.

With his take on things, he was never going to admit he's to blame. Definitely speak to someone about this - he's ground you down to the point your self esteem is low enough for you to be thinking the breakdown of your marriage is your fault. You're vulnerable and vulnerable to taking the lying cheating bastard back when the OW kicks him into touch or he decides she's as challenging to him as you are.

[category12]

@7917Kj

Well I’m not in a relationship with him anymore but like I said still devastated, don’t know how I am going to put a brave face on for the kids, don’t know how I am going to pay for anything, don’t know how I am ever going on to trust anyone again. If I didn’t have the boys I would just give up

It's extremely early days, of course you're shell-shocked and devastated.

You will figure it all out as you go along. Everything will be OK. You are stronger than you think.

[7917Kj]

It didn't read like they were having an affair, it read like he was pushing to start one and both were being really flirty and inappropriate especially on a work phone/system. I feel like warning her cos he will up the anti now he is nowhere to go and she probably has no idea he has a wife and kids but don’t think I can be bothered

[GreyPaw]

If you have to tell another adult how to behave in a decent respectful and honourable way, walk away. They already know, they're just not doing it. Deliberately,

He knows he's being shit. Sorry he's done this to you.

[category12]

No, your best possible outcome is that he fucks off now and doesn't come back. Short-term, yes it's terrifying and painful, in the long term, you'll be glad.

[Asurvivor]

You will be ok OP, living with someone who gaslights you just brings you down and actually that is what ultimately breaks you. Right now you feel broken because you begin to see him for who he is really is. This is a good thing, when you see people for who they are (and not who you wish them to be) it is liberating though I can understand initially shocking. Look after yourself - do you have family or friends that you can talk to?

[7917Kj]

I don’t think he will come back, he couldn’t look at me and just kept being vile so I just let him go and didn’t say a word. I don’t want him to come back I just feel like a massive failure and an idiot and shit parent for letting this go on for so long and allowing my children to be hurt and have their lives turned upside down by this

[7917Kj]

My mum is coming

[7917Kj]

I have no friends anymore as concentrated everything on my marriage and my family :(

[category12]

I'm glad your mum is coming.

When you're feeling up to it, could you maybe try to reconnect with friends you've lost touch with? They might be pleased to hear from you.

[Asurvivor]

You haven’t been a massive failure OP or an idiot, you’ve just been taken in by someone who hasn’t treated you as you deserve to be treated. You’ve trusted someone who actually didn’t deserve your trust in the end. Remember you haven’t done anything wrong, it is his behaviour that has led to this. You will be ok, I’m glad that your mum is there for you.

[7917Kj]

Would you have chucked him out like I did? Should I have waiting till he had money and somewhere to go?

[7917Kj]

That being said I don’t have money or anywhere to go and he doesn’t seem to care about that