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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I make him understand the importance of honesty?

184 replies

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:10

Looking for some advice and had some really beneficially help before so keen to hear opinions. I am really struggling to get my husband to understand I need honesty in a relationship. I seem to uncover lie after lie some trivial, some pretty big and have an impact on our lives. My husbands reaction is to continue to lie even when faced with evidence or occasionally say he has lied because he couldn’t be arsed to deal with my reaction to whatever it was. Today was a new one where he tried to convince me I was already aware and had some how forgotten!! In the past there have been times when I have lost it over the bigger lies but not actually because of the issue that was being lied about but because I have found out rather than being told. I have taken his feedback on board and we have had talks where we have agreed I promise not to judge or overreact and he promises to just be open and transparent with whatever has happened. Then it just happens again and he says if I don’t trust him we are over! I am really at a loss I can’t live like this and I don’t see why I should have to, is it worth a last ditch conversation to say get everything out on the table and draw a line moving forward or am I wasting my time and delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 18/10/2021 16:19

He’s an adult an can look after himself. As you said,HE did this and is responsible for his situation. Just you concentrate on yourself and the dc, and follow some of the excellent advice you’ve been given re cms and calculating what benefits you may be entitled to. It may not seem like it atm but things will get better and you’ll get through this 💐

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 16:32

OP,

Be glad hes is gone.

20 years is enough to have wasted on a liar.

Compulsive liars are mentally deficient in my view and not to be trusted.

I cannot bear liars and will avoid like the plague.

I worked with one and the wreck havoc wherever the go.

Completely untrustworthy.

Your life will be better without the uncertainty of his lies.

Flowers
7917Kj · 18/10/2021 17:52

I am trying to be glad he’s gone and he’s making it a lot easier because of how horrible and selfish he is being. I am split between feeling intense hatred towards him and feeling devastated, humiliated and rejected

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 18/10/2021 18:47

Cyber hug for you. He's really shown you who he truly is. Whatever difficulties this causes in your immediate future, you and your kids are so much better off without this narcissistic wanker dragging you down. The clouds will part and the sun will shine again. The day will come when you are properly happy. Him, hopefully he'll sink to the bottom of the pond where he and all scum belong.

Weenurse · 19/10/2021 08:38

💐☕️

7917Kj · 19/10/2021 11:21

I have made the CMS application which they said can take up to 6 weeks so I am going to be in a mess money wise for the next month at least. He is going to be really nasty now as I had to give his work details as I have no clue where he is. He text me yesterday asking if he could come and get the rest of his clothes not a word about how the children are or anything else

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 19/10/2021 11:24

@7917Kj let him be nasty, if he had his kids lives as a priority then you wouldn't have to do any of this, he wouldn't have lied, he wouldn't avoid paying for them.

His priority is himself, not you not the kids - so the only person looking out for them, and you - is you.

7917Kj · 19/10/2021 11:32

It’s very clear they aren’t his priority. One of our children is almost 17 the other very small but the 17 year old he could have contacted himself and checked in to see if he was ok. Instead he just said he is cutting his (DC) phone contract off as it was an add on to his and he won’t be paying it anymore...nice. I also don’t believe he is living in a car if he was why would he want the rest of his possessions?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/10/2021 12:22

@7917Kj

It’s very clear they aren’t his priority. One of our children is almost 17 the other very small but the 17 year old he could have contacted himself and checked in to see if he was ok. Instead he just said he is cutting his (DC) phone contract off as it was an add on to his and he won’t be paying it anymore...nice. I also don’t believe he is living in a car if he was why would he want the rest of his possessions?
Wow he really is a nasty bastard. Your poor 17 year old being spoken to that way by their father at an already difficult time. Arsehole.
7917Kj · 22/10/2021 10:18

Still in bits but trying to work out some practical things. Does anyone know anything about IVAs? I spoke to a debt advice company and they are advising that as the best option as DMP would take 14 years to clear off and still effect my credit rating plus would need to pay higher amounts so less money for living.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 22/10/2021 10:44

Is most of the debt his? If so do you have to take it on? Can you write to the creditors and say he no longer lives at the address?

7917Kj · 22/10/2021 10:55

No it’s mine taken out for him... yes I know I am an idiot

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 22/10/2021 11:05

You could go to the CAB. They can advise what your options are re the debt, the pros and cons of each option, and are very competent.

GenderAtheist · 23/10/2021 09:17

Don’t use a debt company . Go to a charity like CAB or CAP . Despite the name ( Christians against poverty ) they are open to everyone and their workers are excellent) .

They will take you through everything step by step. It might not be as bad as you think.

You are doing really well BTW. It’s a horrible time but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. You will all be much happier without him.

And you’re right, he’s not sleeping in his car / in a tent / on the streets or whatever nonsense he’s told you. I used to work with street homeless people and in all the years I was there I NEVER saw a guy with a job / car/ savings / friends and family arrive at our door because his wife / partner had kicked him out.

Well actually I did see one. The police removed him from the FMH because he was abusive and he made a huge fuss saying he had nowhere to live. So the police brought him to us ( they bring a lot of our guests ).

He sat in our place sobered up and in a state of shock, drinking coffee and looking around him at the other guests who all have addictions / severe mental health problems / just out of prison / history of serious violence, rough sleeping etc .

And then he was off in a taxi to stay with a family member.

Yes he was the big violent aggressive one at home in front of his wife and children. But surrounded by our other guests ( most of whom are 10 stone dripping wet ) he was terrified . Couldn't even cope with an hour in a homeless shelter.

Your ex is undoubtedly with a friend or family member @7917Kj. Don’t waste your sympathy on him.

You will know when he gets his own place as he will come for the rest of his belongings .

7917Kj · 23/10/2021 09:31

He is coming for the rest of his belongings at 10:00 😩

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/10/2021 09:53

Thinking of you OP. This is a difficult moment but you only have to do it once and it’s done. I hope you have someone there with you. You will get through this.

7917Kj · 23/10/2021 10:16

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Thinking of you OP. This is a difficult moment but you only have to do it once and it’s done. I hope you have someone there with you. You will get through this.
Thank you. It’s done now and he’s gone
OP posts:
GenderAtheist · 23/10/2021 12:39

So he’s got a new place already ? That was quick. I wonder who his new victim is.

How are you feeling @7917Kj? I guess you are still on a state of shock but at least you know where you stand and you can get on with planning your new life.

7917Kj · 23/10/2021 12:45

He said he is living in his car and has no where to go until he get paid on Thursday. I just don’t understand how he can feel nothing and be so matter of fact about anything when we are all falling apart. He said he didn’t understand why he couldn’t come in and see the kids. One doesn’t want to talk to him right now and the other is crying all the time but he can’t work out why or why seeing them won’t fix that.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/10/2021 12:48

I wouldn't believe him about living in his car.

7917Kj · 23/10/2021 13:06

He looked perfectly fine not like someone living in his car. I don’t really care where he is staying anymore all I care about is the 3 of us now and trying to make sure the boys are ok.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/10/2021 14:15

Good for youFlowers

7917Kj · 23/10/2021 15:24

I am finding it really hard not to contact him, I am just so sad and lonely. I am trying to keep busy but and make everything normal for the kids but it feels like an act x

OP posts:
GenderAtheist · 23/10/2021 18:45

Of course you feel like it’s an act. Because it is an act. It will take a while before you get used to the new normal and start enjoying your freedom to do what you want.

You are so used to organising around him and his wishes / moods, there’s bound to be a gap. It will take time to sort out the practicalities and then your feelings.

7917Kj · 31/10/2021 11:11

Today would have been my 19 year wedding anniversary. Am I mad to want to contact him? I am worried about him having no where to live and no where to go.

OP posts:
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