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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I make him understand the importance of honesty?

184 replies

7917Kj · 13/10/2021 20:10

Looking for some advice and had some really beneficially help before so keen to hear opinions. I am really struggling to get my husband to understand I need honesty in a relationship. I seem to uncover lie after lie some trivial, some pretty big and have an impact on our lives. My husbands reaction is to continue to lie even when faced with evidence or occasionally say he has lied because he couldn’t be arsed to deal with my reaction to whatever it was. Today was a new one where he tried to convince me I was already aware and had some how forgotten!! In the past there have been times when I have lost it over the bigger lies but not actually because of the issue that was being lied about but because I have found out rather than being told. I have taken his feedback on board and we have had talks where we have agreed I promise not to judge or overreact and he promises to just be open and transparent with whatever has happened. Then it just happens again and he says if I don’t trust him we are over! I am really at a loss I can’t live like this and I don’t see why I should have to, is it worth a last ditch conversation to say get everything out on the table and draw a line moving forward or am I wasting my time and delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 16/10/2021 19:20

He lies, he gaslights, he puts you in a financially vulnerable position and you're not allowed to say anything!!!
I'd be planning to leave.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 16/10/2021 19:21

@7917Kj

That being said I don’t have money or anywhere to go and he doesn’t seem to care about that
Of course he doesn't, he's got you where he wants you. He knows you're vulnerable.
category12 · 16/10/2021 19:22

@7917Kj

Would you have chucked him out like I did? Should I have waiting till he had money and somewhere to go?
God no - you've done exactly the right thing. If he'd stayed, he'd be lying and gaslighting you and convincing you it was all your fault somehow again. He's a full grown adult man, he will sort himself out.
layladomino · 16/10/2021 19:23

You have done the right thing. It might feel hard now, but he clearly wasn't a good partner. He's proved that again and again. He's angry that you've found him out. Angry that you called him out on his flirting and didn't beg him to stay with you. He won't like it that you've found your strength and have decided you won't put up with his poor behaviour anymore.

You will be so much happier in the long run. Lean on your mum for support, see if you can reconnect with old friends, and make some new ones. Make lovely plans for you and DC. Life will get better from here.

Asurvivor · 16/10/2021 19:26

I think the leaving in the way he has is just a tactic he is using to get you to apologise / back down / say it was your fault for questioning him etc. Can you stay strong OP for just a little while longer? It sounds like he is still trying to manipulate you. A genuinely remorseful man would asking for you to forgive him and asking what he can do so that you trust him again.

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 19:32

So sorry to read this and to hear what you are going through. He did not want you to know the dates etc and said he did not know dates, times, lying but also a control thing and a very manipulating form of abuse. He wants to feck up your mind so you will not know whether you are coming or going. At the moment you feel so bad and you just feel devastated. But believe me he has done you a favour. This is making you ill living with this man and you now need to focus on yourself and the children and realize he is an absolute shit and will not change and only puts himself first and very selfish. As for the texting to other women that would be enough for me he would be gone. He has no respect for you or the children. Please talk to a friend, family member or ring women's aid as they can give you advise and just take one day at a time. Do not contact him as that is what he expect. You have to move on now and in time I swear each day will get easier and you will find peace of mind and be happier and not dealing with his crap all the time, as what did he bring to the relationship. Please listen to the good advise on here.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 19:35

He’s not remorseful I think he was just looking for a reason to go and I have given him one all be it all I asked from him was to admit he had crossed a line and that it was disrespectful to talk to other women like that when married. He said sick of me finding things to argue about, sick of explaining himself when he is done nothing at all wrong to me and said that my issue is he is not allowed to talk to another female. I have no issue with speaking to anyone I have an issue with flirting and trying to explain it away.

OP posts:
IrishMel · 16/10/2021 19:40

Please stop blaming yourself, read your update and you are not a failure. You are a strong woman and you will get better, you are now realizing what he is like and you are putting your children first. You can post on here and also ring women's aid, the samaritans, etc if you need to talk as it does help. Lots of us have been in same position and are probably older and that is why we try to help and give advise as understand and I just wish had someone years ago as never knew nothing about narcissistic behaviour, gaslighting, the bullying and how a person can try to break you down. A good person would support you and openly give you information about work plans and you would not have to ask him, it is called communication. He was too secretive, lying which could be down to his past but that is nothing something you can fix, you and the kids have to come first. Talk to your mum and just take each day at a time. Don't think back or too much forward except for the good times you will have again, please believe me things will get better but it takes time.

Pinkbonbon · 16/10/2021 19:45

He is always going to pretend to believe that is the wronged party op. He wants you so focused on trying to explain why his behaviour is hurtful and you are justified in being hurt that you think the problem is with you ('if only I could explain it in a way to make him understand'). He knows what he is doing and he intended for it to affect you this way. So that he could gaslight you.

Don't try to justify yourself anymore. He is the one doing horrible things. He is the one that should beg forgiveness and stop. But that will never happen.

Keep him gone.

goody2shooz · 16/10/2021 19:52

Why on earth does he deserve ANY consideration from you??? He has lied continually, possibly cheated, been uncaring, got into debt and been vile to you - it seems scary just now, but really you are SO much better off without this awful man. Your mum will help you, see a solicitor and see where you stand. Look out for YOU and your kids. Your boys need you, they can’t rely on their father! You will be ok….not tomorrow, or next week but come back in a year and you’ll be telling us all about your amazing new life!

Flixon · 16/10/2021 19:54

You cannot MAKE him understand anything. He "understands" already , he just doesn't care enough to change his behaviour to make you happy. Your wellbeing is not important enough to him. Compulsive liars are just that., compulsive - and only HE can decide to change. He wont.

for your own mental leave I suggest you make plans to separate. Or, if you wont, at least stop castigating yourself for not being 'able to make him understand' , This is not on you. Then accept that you live with a person you do not, and cannot, trust. ...

tara66 · 16/10/2021 19:57

Change the locks asap?

Gemma2019 · 16/10/2021 20:08

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP but you will eventually realise he has done you a huge favour when you start to see how much better life will be without him.

He has always been a cheater and a liar and he has destroyed your self esteem. Please try to be strong and look at building a life without him. He is not a good role model for your DC.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/10/2021 20:21

He sounds vile and I think it has saved you many more battles that he left of his own accord. It sounds like he planned this, for maximum effect. Go over any finances, change all your passwords and do a credit check - easy to do online. If there's any flags consult your solicitor asap. Pull your money out of any joint bank accounts.
It sounds like you held the household together and provided a secure and happy up bringing for your children and that indicates that you will get through this because he wasn't actually doing much other than constantly lying, which I think is like constantly putting a spoke in the wheel, so in many ways things will be so much better without having to put up with him and the distrust he spread so casually. Its good your mum is there. It seems bleak as its been a shock, but you will get through this.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 21:51

I do know it will be better if eventually but right now I feel like I have lost my whole life I am 36 and have been with him for 20 years so I can’t remember before him. Thank you all for you advice I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 21:52

He has texted to ask if the boys are ok. I just want to completely blank him

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 16/10/2021 21:59

You're not a failure because your marriage hasn't worked. When my marriage broke down I felt really ashamed, but I realised these things need two people committed to making them work. You can't trust someone who lies to you. You're supposed to be a partnership and both of you should have each other's back. He doesn't have yours and is constantly lying to you. You're better off with him even though it doesn't feel like it now.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/10/2021 22:20

@7917Kj

I don’t think he will come back, he couldn’t look at me and just kept being vile so I just let him go and didn’t say a word. I don’t want him to come back I just feel like a massive failure and an idiot and shit parent for letting this go on for so long and allowing my children to be hurt and have their lives turned upside down by this
When they look at you with that contempt (almost smirking and cocky AF - I remember it well) there is absolutely no going back.

I'm so glad your mum is coming to see you. Bless you, I'm so sorry Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/10/2021 22:22

@7917Kj

He has texted to ask if the boys are ok. I just want to completely blank him
Ask your mum to be his point of contact for now and get her to say she only wants to discuss anything relevant about the boys, not your relationship. No good can come from speaking to him directly while you're in shock like this. I'm sure your mum will be willing to do that. Can she stay with you for a few days? Thanks
danidandan · 16/10/2021 22:28

He doesn't give a shit that he's lying to you.

You need to get out for yours and your children's sake. You say you won't be able to, there is always a way. Even if it's a temp option to go to your parents.

What happens when he starts lying to your children, if he hasn't already..
Or when they get older and start to understand? It's not just you he's gaslighting here.

I wouldn't start that for my kids sake. I'd be kicking him out, to be out of there like a shot myself.

silentpool · 16/10/2021 22:37

It doesn't get better OP. My ex was like this and it turned into a double life situation. Please find a way to leave before you get lumped with a lot of debt.

danidandan · 16/10/2021 22:39

X post sorry I didn't read your last update.

Please do NOT blame yourself for this.
See what he's done? He's taken every ounce of your self esteem. This is all on him.

Stay strong, maybe try and reconnect with some friends. Your mum is there for you, and you have your children who need you, and right now you need them.

Things will always be okay, and you will come out of this stronger than he ever will be.

Change the locks. Fuck him. He cannot come back after he's done this to you and your children.

Things will slowly get better, I'm so sorry he's done this to you. What a vile man.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/10/2021 22:48

I don’t need to leave, he has left and I am not letting him back x

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 16/10/2021 22:57

Although this is hard for you now, he has done you a massive favour by leaving. You never want your kids to learn that it's okay to treat people in such a disgraceful, disrespectful, cruel manner. And you definitely deserve better. Good luck with everything

sTRUTHiomimus · 16/10/2021 23:04

He planned to leave so he picked a fight to try to make it your fault.

I know it’s awful that he’s left this way but I think you know it’s for the best.

You need to focus on sorting out all the practical issues.

He will need to pay child support - there’s an online calculator. It’s easy if you know how much he earns,

If he won’t agree to pay then lodge a claim with CMS. I’d do that ASAP given his history of lies and dishonesty.

Can you take in a lodger to help pay the bills?

Make sure you get him off the tenancy agreement and the utility bills etc.

Apply to the council on Monday for single adult discount on the council tax.