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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do affairs work?

379 replies

JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:32

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 11/10/2021 17:54

It will end, yous have given me everything I knew myself that these things do not work

Because you are worth so much more that this OP. Good luck and I really do hope you will do the right thing.

summercupcake · 11/10/2021 18:01

What you are doing is really really awful and unkind. He has a wife.

They always say they're unhappy at home, not intimate with their wives etc. He's lying.

Original poster
JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 18:03

@ChargingBuck

Never said I wasn’t

Whether you said so or not, the moot point is whether you do it.
But you won't, because you'd rather have this unhealthy & dishonest relationship than risk - the horror! - being solo.

If you really can't manage going it alone, is it beyond you to find a single man, & shag him instead?

I was on my own with the kids for over 2 years just me and my kids before this started so it’s not a horror to think of being on my own again. I did believe at times he would leave and despite some of the messages I’ve received have given me the clarity that I knew myself that this is going nowhere apart from causing another woman pain and children’s views of their Dad altered.
OP posts:
WanderingLost167 · 11/10/2021 18:03

I've been where you are, although we were both married when it started. I left, not for him as it happens, but because I was unhappy. We ended it last year and he has, gone on to make his marriage work as they have 3 young children.

They say men don't leave, and for the most part this is true.

I wouldn't actually want him to now, I know how he deals with things and it was by not talking and having affairs. As a friend and lover though.. That's a different thing.

Work out what you want, and give him an ultimatum.

MsDogLady · 11/10/2021 18:08

While your secret Boyfriend is living a full family/married life, you are marginalizing yourself being validated by his crumbs.

Not only is this self-harm, but you are having your ‘fun’ by mistreating an innocent woman and children. I hope your own children never face such degradation.

Jody, saying you ‘fell into’ this illicit liaison is a cop-out. You have agency in your own life. You say you’ve ‘built yourself up’ by making smart choices after your previous abusive relationship, but you are currently sabotaging yourself by making toxic choices.

Consider seeking individual counseling to examine why you’ve jumped from one demeaning relationship to another.

Beahappy2a · 11/10/2021 18:10

Utterly shocking and what a total load of shite your message was, you knew what you were doing, and you seemingly know how his poor wife will feel if she found out. Take what dignity you have left, pull yourself together and leave.

hairybakers · 11/10/2021 18:12

Walk away from him. Cold turkey. Let him know that once he has left his wife you will be happy to pick things up again, but for now give him space to do so. If you give him a chance to miss you he might just do that. Of course, he might not. But then at least you'll know for sure. Right now there's no incentive for him to leave his wife because he's getting the best of both worlds !

bestsoupintown · 11/10/2021 18:16

Taking away all the morality of cheating etc I just would never want to be the other woman, even if he did leave his wife (which he won't).

I don't want to have to face his friends and family and to be gossiped about because they will gossip and judge.
Have to try and build a home and a family, get on with his kids knowing how we got together.
Not trusting him because he's already shown himself to be a liar who is willing to betray his wife for so long.

If you stayed together then people would calm down and accept you but it sounds really shit.

I knew a woman who got her 'dream man' after he left his wife and kids for her.
Turns out he was a lazy prick and a shit disengaged dad.
She hadn't seen the real him, she'd seen the charming romantic affair partner.

He left her and their kids too.

WanderingLost167 · 11/10/2021 18:18

Exactly.

Hen2018 · 11/10/2021 18:19

What toe curlingly, cringy rubbish.

thecatsarecrazy · 11/10/2021 18:32

Im not proud but I had a fling with a married man.
His wife and kids will always come first. He still messages me now and again to "check" on me but no. I think they rarely work

Frazzledmummy123 · 11/10/2021 18:33

If he was going to leave his wife, he would have done it by now and not gone back. He is having his cake and eating it. Even if he did leave his wife (or more likely, she finds out and kicks him out and he comes running to you Hmm ), if he can lie and cheat on his wife then he will lie and cheat on you too. Ever heard the term 'when a man marries his mistress it creates a vacancy'...? (ok, replace marries with 'settles down with'). So to answer your question, no, affairs rarely work.

He is not a nice guy and is only so involved with you because he is getting his end away. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but it is true. Despite what he tells you, he will still be sleeping with her, how do you feel about that? I could never imagine cheating on my husband and if I even did it once I couldn't look him in the eye. He has been actively doing this to his wife for 10 months.

You asked if you should walk away? Hell yeah! Start running. It will hurt you but you are going to get hurt anyway.

Unanananana · 11/10/2021 18:40

He really has fed you 'The Script' and you have fallen for it.

He is still sleeping with his wife. He is comfortable at home with his family and will drop you like a hot stone if his poor wife finds out. You should be ashamed of yourselves, both of you. And yes, you are embarrassing yourself. Hanging onto the words of a man that sees you as a booty call. He feeds you what you want to hear.

You chose this path. You clearly have no guilt so crack on until it blows up, because it will! Those poor kids.

gonnabeok · 11/10/2021 18:44

You did walk into this situation so that's choosing it. He's stringing you along. He's telling you what 99.9% of cheaters tell the person they have the affair with. Wake up, run for the hills..

Thewookiemustgo · 11/10/2021 18:51

“Which is why I have enormous guilt at what I am doing to someone else regardless of what anyone thinks.”

But not enough to make you stop, apparently.

Try “ I know I shouldn’t be doing this so I should feel guilty and I guess I do, but I can live with that so to hell with his wife and family, my happiness comes first.”

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 11/10/2021 19:21

No judgement here op but my advice would be don't cancel plans just in case he might be free to see you....nothing less attractive than someone who is too available.

Hesma · 11/10/2021 19:33

Sorry OP but pathetic is the perfect word to describe you. You’re being strung along by a loser and have to ask Mumsnet for advice… seriously??????

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 11/10/2021 19:34

7 years ago my ex left for the OW. They got married within 4 months.

No idea if they are happy or still together as the children completely cut him off when he walked out.

EezyOozy · 11/10/2021 19:39

Why don't you end it Op? Get some self control and self respect. Saying "I feel so guilty" means fuck all if you keep doing it.

me4real · 11/10/2021 19:41

Which is why I have enormous guilt at what I am doing

Stop doing it then, @JodyD1973

LexieB · 11/10/2021 20:16

The thing is we all
know you won’t walk away as deep down you know that too

yes it might work but I’d feel so shit being part of that I just can’t see how you would be happy with the situation going forward

maybe you are ok with that. personally i wouldn’t be able to sleep at night

LexieB · 11/10/2021 20:16

you would be that ‘icky couple’

LexieB · 11/10/2021 20:18

also they always seem to affair down. for me it’s quite pleasing the OW is an ugly trog who is completely unstable. they just love having their ego massaged by seemingly anyone. that sounds really bitter but i was personally shocked when i saw who i was left for

LexieB · 11/10/2021 20:19

anyway just do what you want why ask on here? anyone with a moral compass knows it wrong. you’ve already just been doing what you want anyway

CandidClarisse · 11/10/2021 20:27

I've been you OP... most of the time, they never leave!