Do affairs work?

[JodyD1973]

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

@JodyD1973

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets. We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her. But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

It’s interesting that he left his marriage twice before - did he leave for another woman? Or did he get found out and kicked out?

Is he a serial cheater?

Seems like loads of histrionics and trauma bonding in the above post - doesn’t sound like much fun at all with all the flouncing, crying and amateur dramatics at your age?!? Sounds like an Easter Enders Christmas Special or an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Was listening to something on the radio this afternoon where they talked about the “cheaters high” - the emotional uplift of getting away with stuff rather than the actual sex.,

@JodyD1973 Yes, I'm married and have a child on the way with mine. He met me, we saw each other while he was "married" for two weeks and then he packed his bag and left.

Nobody was really shocked, not even his children who were 10&11 at home - they pretty much lived separate lives. But I will always be "the other woman", which I hate as I'm a pretty reasonable, nice friendly person and I wish I could make my step kids mum like me 😂

why would you expect her to like you? or want her to

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

No judgement here op but my advice would be don't cancel plans just in case he might be free to see you....nothing less attractive than someone who is too available.

That's your takeaway from this thread?

i find that concept very difficult to understand. I could never like the OW she just would never possess the qualities that make me think I ‘like’ someone
tolerate is about as good as it gets.

[quote Champersandchocolate]@JodyD1973 Yes, I'm married and have a child on the way with mine. He met me, we saw each other while he was "married" for two weeks and then he packed his bag and left.

Nobody was really shocked, not even his children who were 10&11 at home - they pretty much lived separate lives. But I will always be "the other woman", which I hate as I'm a pretty reasonable, nice friendly person and I wish I could make my step kids mum like me 😂[/quote]
From what I've observed, they rarely leave. But when they do, they do it pretty quickly. The longer you're waiting around, the less likely it is to happen. If he's blaming work, it's definitely not going to happen. As if a man who's clearly self-serving will let a "work incident" keep him from the arms of the woman he loves.

If he could cheat on his wife, the woman who has his kids and to whom he made wedding vows
He will cheat on you. Eventually

Walk away, he'll either put his money where his mouth is or he won't. No other way to find out. Unlikely I'd say.

If he leaves his wife to be with you it creates a vacancy. Don't be under any illusion he will leave her though. As an aside if you've also been betrayed I don't know how you can knowingly do the same to another woman. Make all the excuses you like about not asking to fall in love etc but you made a conscious choice and you chose yourself over hurting someone else.

The 'relationship' you have isn't real have a word with yourself and get some self respect.

Of the few relationships I know that started as affairs, 1 has involved subsequent infidelity. The other 2 are extremely happy and successful partnerships. And before anyone says how can anyone be sure there is no infidelity in the 2 successful relationships, I am as sure about it as you are that your own partner isn't unfaithful to you.

They all say the same thing🤷‍♀️
If he wanted to be with you full time he would have left her by now !
I think he wants his cake and eat it

I hardly ever post, and I've name changed for this. I just wanted to give you my experience.

My dad had an affair that lasted 2 years starting when I was 8 years old and my sister was 6. His AP was also married with two kids of a similar age. After 2 years of the affair my dad did in fact leave my mum. Over 25 years later my dad and his AP are still together and now married. He has now been with his AP longer than he was ever with my mum. So in this instance, yes. The affair 'worked'. However. The fallout from the affair was massive, and still ongoing.

My sister is almost completely no contact with my dad. She has never forgiven him, and has ongoing trust issues around men. They speak sporadically on special occasions. I have ongoing mental health issues and feelings of abandonment and anxiety, which I have been in and out of therapy for since I was a child. I love my dad, but do I respect him? Feel daughterly towards him? Honestly, not really. He's like a friendly uncle. My mum developed an eating disorder from the stress of the affair and divorce, which, although she is happily remarried, she still struggles with. We lost our family home, although we were never homeless, which has lead to both me and my sister living in some very risky housing situations as teens and young adults. My sister and I both had to pick a parent to attend our graduations and weddings. We became estranged from our dad's side of the family. His parents, my grandparents, disowned him. They died without being reconciled.

AP's eldest child went to live with her grandparents when my dad moved in to her family home, and changed her surname so it no longer matched her mum. Their relationship is still strained and uncomfortable.

My dad has told me before that he feels guilty every day for what he did, and blames himself. He cries sometimes. His AP suffers terribly from anxiety and suicidal ideation.

OP. Is this what you want from your future? Families do not just 'get on with it' after an affair breaks them apart. They suffer, sometimes forever.

Tell him you won't see him again until he's left his wife and they've been separated for 6 months. If he does it then at least you know it's something real. And if he doesn't, then you've got your answer.

My God, you're 48 and you sound like you're about 20. You could have e stopped this at any point before feelings become involved or - shock horror - you could have chosen not t touch him with a barge pole in the first place because you knew all along he was married.

He's disgusting. And will be having glorious sex with his wife whilst secretly knowing he's got you dangling on a string. He will never leave her.

@Whatevernameidontcare

I hardly ever post, and I've name changed for this. I just wanted to give you my experience.

My dad had an affair that lasted 2 years starting when I was 8 years old and my sister was 6. His AP was also married with two kids of a similar age. After 2 years of the affair my dad did in fact leave my mum. Over 25 years later my dad and his AP are still together and now married. He has now been with his AP longer than he was ever with my mum. So in this instance, yes. The affair 'worked'. However. The fallout from the affair was massive, and still ongoing.

My sister is almost completely no contact with my dad. She has never forgiven him, and has ongoing trust issues around men. They speak sporadically on special occasions. I have ongoing mental health issues and feelings of abandonment and anxiety, which I have been in and out of therapy for since I was a child. I love my dad, but do I respect him? Feel daughterly towards him? Honestly, not really. He's like a friendly uncle. My mum developed an eating disorder from the stress of the affair and divorce, which, although she is happily remarried, she still struggles with. We lost our family home, although we were never homeless, which has lead to both me and my sister living in some very risky housing situations as teens and young adults. My sister and I both had to pick a parent to attend our graduations and weddings. We became estranged from our dad's side of the family. His parents, my grandparents, disowned him. They died without being reconciled.

AP's eldest child went to live with her grandparents when my dad moved in to her family home, and changed her surname so it no longer matched her mum. Their relationship is still strained and uncomfortable.

My dad has told me before that he feels guilty every day for what he did, and blames himself. He cries sometimes. His AP suffers terribly from anxiety and suicidal ideation.

OP. Is this what you want from your future? Families do not just 'get on with it' after an affair breaks them apart. They suffer, sometimes forever.

What a heartbreaking story.

Do they stay together because they love each other, or because the cost has been so great that they have to justify it?

In terms of the question you asked I think there isn't a way of guaranteeing each situation but for a variety of reasons I have had close contact with about 6 affairs. 5 of which, no it didn't end well. The married partner (oddly all but one were one married and one single so can't comment on situations where both are married ) kept bouncing back and forth and ended up either single or staying in the marriage. None of the affair relationships lasted longer than a year when it was found out.

The 6th I will say yes it did. They have been together for 7 years and going strong. The key here seemed to be that they took responsibility and the married partner left their spouse within weeks. They absolutely held their hands up. They admitted what they had done was awful. They went out of their way to be fair but boundaried. No trying to have the best of both worlds by bouncing between houses.

Now they and their ex spouse actually get on well and they co parent their DC. Still to this day they do not justify their behaviour. They left the marriage ASAP and still didn't move in with the affair partner for a year.

In truth if everyone takes responsibility its possible but the absolute key was the married partner ended the marriage quickly whilst I don't condone their actions it is very clear someone who is prepared to spend years or even months lying is not a decent person or partner for anyone. I mean cheating at all isn't a good thing but there's a big difference between ending the marriage and buggering about with excuses about work. If he wanted to leave he would. That's it. No grey areas.

No but pp have said everything l would say, so at the very least op needs to get herself some self respect....baby steps may lead to her realising she needs to find someone who treats her better than this waster🤷‍♂️

@DrSbaitso I do believe they stay together out of love, but that this has to go hand in hand with terrible feelings of guilt and loss.

No judgement from me, I’m long divorced and have been in a relationship with a MM who is in an open marriage where he is allowed a discreet relationship. Unfortunately the few months of fun idea has ended up being almost five years and it’s just a terrible mess. I was always very clear that I do not want a permanent relationship but there’s no way back and no way forward. My P wants to leave his marriage but I don’t want him to, but I also am struggling to finish it as the arrangement suits me and fits round my life and so is he. I think I once read that only around 5% of affairs end in a successful marriage, the odds are stacked against you I’m afraid.

Do they stay together because they love each other, or because the cost has been so great that they have to justify it?

I have a very similar biography to the poster who you responded to here (who's parent had an affair) and, in the case of my parent, it's the latter. The cost was so great, they have to justify it. Additionally they can never really admit to themselves to the carnage they have caused in the lives of others, and what they've done.

I could never, never, never love a man who was this weak and pathetic, a known liar who lies into the faces of his wife and kids every single day. Surely this type of man is repulsive to any right-thinking woman?

Also, I wouldn't want to be even partially responsible - in a supporting role as it were - for the devastating heartbreak he's about to deliver to them. My god, that poor woman.

Yes I’ve known people who have had affairs make a success of them, go on and get married and have children. But, I probably haven’t heard as much about the ones that don’t - as surprisingly enough they’re secret affairs!

Why would you want to be in a relationship with a cheat if you’ve been there before?

If he did leave his wife he will cheat on you, you’ll just be sat waiting for it to happen again.

Surely this type of man is repulsive to any right-thinking woman?

Why would he be? He's not doing it to them.

I've noticed that while men seem to expect other men to find their wives attractive - not necessarily sleep with them, but to appreciate them sexually - women often have this feeling that other women should never ever find their husbands attractive. The fact that he's married should alone shut off all sexual feeling, no matter how good looking or personable he is. It's a funny thing, but then even in 2021, we are shaming women for their sexuality whenever we don't like it.

Nobody is ever mystified about why a man has an affair. They may ask how he could do that to his family, but they never wonder what he got out of it because it's bloody obvious. Yet with wayward women, we are somehow absolutely baffled. Why isn't she repulsed by his behaviour, even though we never expect him to be repulsed by hers? Surely she is just degrading herself, as posters said earlier, as if sex is inherently a degradation to women if we don't approve of it.

Anything, anything, other than the possibility that she might enjoy the sex and company, like he does, and not be put off by his marriage, as he isn't. And it is his marriage, not hers. He made the promises, it's on him to keep them.

As long as we keep thinking of sex as something women can't enjoy unless it ticks all morality boxes, we're going to be very puzzled on very many occasions....

Well, as you said OP. You've already walked away. 4 times. And he hasn't left his wife.
So, you've got no cards left to play.