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Original poster

Do affairs work?

379 replies

JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 11:32

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

OP posts:
LexieB · 11/10/2021 17:19

just because you ‘rebuilt’ your life maybe the damage you and this twat will cause his wife will mean she can’t. Personally I wouldn’t want to take the risk it’s so gross

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 17:20

and yes I’m 100% responsible to make the choice to walk away

A choice you've apparently been able to make 4 times, & yet here you still are.

Because it didn't make him leave his wife for you, & it never will.
So you slunk back to him.

The only person who is stopping you from ending this is you.
But you won't, because you prefer the fantasy that one day he will leave his wife - & you'd rather she goes through that pain than you..

So I'd say not only is the affair not working - neither is your much-vaunted "guilt".

Original poster
JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 17:24

@LexieB

honestly i could NEVER do this to someone else after it happened to me

Seriously what is wrong with you?! you have zero empathy it’s weird!

Yes I do have empathy as I was the woman that got cheated on. Whose marriage got destroyed, who had all the feelings you talk of! I never ever thought I’d do this to someone else and I know my choice will be to walk away and finish it. I’ve said it’s wrong, totally aware that it is. I’ve sat and taken everyone’s comments in and get peoples opinions of women like me. That I’m loathed, disgusting etc.
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 11/10/2021 17:25

I have said I am to blame, I knew he was married almost straightaway, it’s 50/50, and yes I’m 100% responsible to make the choice to walk away.

And you're choosing not to. That's your decision, but what are you hoping for from this thread? If you believed he would dump his wife for you, you wouldn't be asking us what we think will happen.

You ask if affairs work. It's the wrong question. Is this affair working for you? Do you think it's going to make you avoid the pain a second time?

SALTyartist · 11/10/2021 17:26

Honestly, if he was done with his wife and wanted you he would bite the bullet and do it, not come up with flimsy “work incident” excuses. He has also GONE back to her several times, if she was as awful or the relationship was as meaningless as he’s undoubtedly told you, why is this the case. I appreciate sometimes emotions and events take hold quickly but at your age, this tired old story you are living should be giving you more than enough info to know that this isn’t a fairy tale and he’s not a Prince Charming. Find an available man that not keeping you on standby for when things get tricky with his wife.

Mydogmylife · 11/10/2021 17:26

@ChargingBuck

and yes I’m 100% responsible to make the choice to walk away

A choice you've apparently been able to make 4 times, & yet here you still are.

Because it didn't make him leave his wife for you, & it never will.
So you slunk back to him.

The only person who is stopping you from ending this is you.
But you won't, because you prefer the fantasy that one day he will leave his wife - & you'd rather she goes through that pain than you..

So I'd say not only is the affair not working - neither is your much-vaunted "guilt".

This! If op feels that guilty she can just bloody well walk away - but she doesn't ! Total guilt bypass - even if he does ever leave ( or get thrown out which would seem more likely) any resultant relationship will surely be imbued with guilt and the pain of others, hardly a recipe for success
AutumnAlmanack · 11/10/2021 17:29

No, they really do not. I speak from experience, having wasted my very best years on a man who completely deceived me about his wife, their relationship and everything else. All he wanted was sex. Never, ever again. Find someone else who is free to be with you.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 11/10/2021 17:29

So y9u know how bad it feels but you thought messing with a married man would but e a bit of fun?

user911 · 11/10/2021 17:31

I will just answer your question

Do affairs work ?

Well if you can ignore the hurt, the pain, the lies , the children and their well-being , being ostracised by 2 entire families , gossiped about on Facebook and at the school gate , being hated by another person who will hold you responsible for ruining the marriage , the risk of him doing the same to you , the risk of him thinking you'll do the same to him

Sounds like a great idea?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/10/2021 17:32

Yes I do have empathy as I was the woman that got cheated on. Whose marriage got destroyed, who had all the feelings you talk of! I never ever thought I’d do this to someone else and I know my choice will be to walk away and finish it. I’ve said it’s wrong, totally aware that it is.

But you didn't even go into it thinking it was love, you said you thought it would just be 'a bit of fun' for 'a few weeks'.

I can't understand how you were willing to be complicit in a man potentially making a woman go through what you went through... just for some shags.

It's awful.

Onthedunes · 11/10/2021 17:33

@Thewookiemustgo

His wife thinks her life is just as she experiences it, even though she is being lied to and deceived on a daily basis. The affair is working for her, only because she has no idea of its existence.

Once she knows the truth:

she will be completely devastated,
her mental health will plummet,
she may have suicidal thoughts or commit suicide,
her general health will plummet,
her self-esteem will be on the floor,
she will feel like a total idiot and feel completely humiliated,
her ability to ever be able to trust another human being might be gone forever,
she will be tormented by mind movies about the two of you together and fear she is losing her sanity,
she will be angry and feel hate towards another human being like she never knew she could,
their children will be severely affected,
both hers and the children’s financial security and welfare and future on a day to day basis will be under threat,
close relatives and friends will be devastated and filled with worry.

Her husband will have caused this and you will have knowingly helped and encouraged him to do it.

Oh, so it looks like affairs don’t work out for everybody after all.

But Wookie,

she knows all this, she has been through it herself Confused

I do know that she'll need some cast iron confidence and lack of empathy to get through the next stages of this fine romance.

I would imagine her AP is somewhat older and has been in a long marriage, you can tell by her overall confidence, she feels desirable again (always best to get one a bit older, makes you feel like a teenager again in the alluring department. )

How delicious to be able to do this to another woman, to win, never mind she feels good, ego sufficiently bolstered.

And you know what, considering her lack of vision posting this question I think she's gonna do it.

You go girl, destroy !

Journeyofthedragons · 11/10/2021 17:34

I’m 100% responsible to make the choice to walk away

You're 100% responsible for walking in too.

user911 · 11/10/2021 17:36

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It is awful, you are correct

God I must have a low libido as I've never seen a man I couldn't resist no matter the circumstances

Just for a shag 🤢

Scrollonthroughtherain · 11/10/2021 17:41

I was someone's mistress once years ago. They weren't married but had been together quite a while, about 5 years. We didn't have sex until after they broke up but it was about as full on an emotional affair as it was possible to get without sex. I knew about her so i have no excuses. He pursued me (you could call it love bombing) when i was 17, young, naive and particularly vulnerable. He was older. It worked out - in the sense that when she found out, she dumped him and he came crawling to me. I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe my luck. So yeah, it worked out.

Until i found out that he was an emotionally and sexually abusive arsehole. I mean who would have thought it that someone who would cheat would be a right dickhead, right? It was my first relationship, i had no idea what i was getting into. I could never trust him, because he cheated on his gf so why wouldn't he cheat on me too? I suspect he actually did.

Aside from his actions, being the OW absolutely destroyed my already non existent self esteem. Waiting for the crumbs he threw me to keep me hooked on. It took me years, and a very good man who is now my dh, to recover. So .. my advice is ... Move on. Even if he is the man you think he is, that man is very happy to cheat on the woman that he promised to love forever. He's a shit.

Original poster
JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 17:41

@Journeyofthedragons

I’m 100% responsible to make the choice to walk away

You're 100% responsible for walking in too.

Never said I wasn’t
OP posts:
Horst · 11/10/2021 17:43

After this long his not going to leave her for you because he loves her. You are just his birthday of fun.

If he ends up with you it will be because she’s found out and kicked him out which makes you the second prize.

If he loved you and wanted you he would be with you properly his not and his making excuses your his cake.

isthismylifenow · 11/10/2021 17:45

OP, he isn't going to leave his wife. I know I don't know you or him personally but step back at look at the situation. He wants it all. He wants to have his cake and to eat it. And YOU are the one getting the brunt of it.

Yes you are single and so you are not cheating. But you are causing him to. He's the one with the guilt and having to lie.... Yet he's still doing it 10 months in. He's gone back to his wife more than once? Why?

It will hurt when you walk away. It will hurt when his wife finds out and you will be cause of that. Someone somewhere is going to get hurt. Walk away now and move on from him. If he's that serious about you, he will move out for real this time and file for divorce. IF that happens, give him time to work through it, then possibly re-evaluate things.

Avoiding being hurt isn't a good excuse to keep this going.

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 17:46

Never said I wasn’t

Whether you said so or not, the moot point is whether you do it.
But you won't, because you'd rather have this unhealthy & dishonest relationship than risk - the horror! - being solo.

If you really can't manage going it alone, is it beyond you to find a single man, & shag him instead?

Tiredofbs123 · 11/10/2021 17:47

‘My own marriage ended because of an affair. I have had the devastation of my kids, losing my home’

But her children are collateral damage to you finding your happy?

You’re sounding worse by the post.

Bet you’re now going to spin the ‘kids are resilient’ line, ‘yours bounced back…’

And if you had empathy you wouldn’t be doing this, I think you’ve worked each other up into such a narrative you both believe your own bullshit!

Owwasme · 11/10/2021 17:47

It worked for me/us. I was already separated/divorcing when we met, DH wasn't. However, there were no children etc involved at the time, which made things slightly less traumatic on paper. DH never talked about his ex, and I wasn't interested. I never asked anything or expected anything of him. He left/divorced her, we got married 4 months after his absolute came through. We've been married for 9 years now, have a child, and are happy. It worked for us. We both are sorry for the hurt we caused other parties involved, but we're not carrying the guilt for ever. It doesn't achieve anything.

The only thing that rings alarm bells to me from your OP is the story he's telling you. If he wanted to leave his DW, he would. Not give out excuses as to why he can't. I hope things work out one way or another for you.

Original poster
JodyD1973 · 11/10/2021 17:49

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes I do have empathy as I was the woman that got cheated on. Whose marriage got destroyed, who had all the feelings you talk of! I never ever thought I’d do this to someone else and I know my choice will be to walk away and finish it. I’ve said it’s wrong, totally aware that it is.

But you didn't even go into it thinking it was love, you said you thought it would just be 'a bit of fun' for 'a few weeks'.

I can't understand how you were willing to be complicit in a man potentially making a woman go through what you went through... just for some shags.

It's awful.

Also have never said it started with sex, we chatted it was fun. There was no sex for quite some time but since I’m having to justify myself when I’ve said time and time again I know this is wrong. It will end, yous have given me everything I knew myself that these things do not work.
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 11/10/2021 17:52

Never said I wasn’t

You claim to have "fallen in" at least three times. That's passive language.

If you own it, if you know you're in charge, if you realise you are making choices every day with this, then what do you need from us? Assurances that he'll dump his wife for you? How do you think it looks from over here, when it looks so crap even from where you're standing?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/10/2021 17:52

In 10 months you've fallen in love but 'tried to' end it with him four times and he's apparently considering leaving his wife for you (he won't) so I would imagine it wasn't that long before you started kissing then shagging was it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/10/2021 17:54

@DrSbaitso

Never said I wasn’t

You claim to have "fallen in" at least three times. That's passive language.

If you own it, if you know you're in charge, if you realise you are making choices every day with this, then what do you need from us? Assurances that he'll dump his wife for you? How do you think it looks from over here, when it looks so crap even from where you're standing?

Absolutely this.

This didn't happen to you. You did it.

You are an active participant who made conscious choices repeatedly.

ravenmum · 11/10/2021 17:54

OP made her choice 10 months ago; she can't undo it. The wife has probably already got her suspicions, and is pretty likely to find out at some point.