Do affairs work?

[JodyD1973]

Hi I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m 48 separated 3 years ago and we’ve been seeing each other for 10 months. I have fallen in love with this man, he tells me he loves me, adores me and can see our future together. He tells me his marriage has been unhappy for years and has left twice before but always went back which he says he regrets.
We both have an overwhelming guilt at what we are doing, we’ve had arguments, cried about it and I’ve walked away 4 times but we hate not speaking to each other. We get on so well, we chat about everything, our kids, our work is similar so we understand the pressures and we have fun. He has a work incident right now and states once it’s resolved he will leave her.
But do affairs work out ever? I lay awake at night wondering what’s to come, will we ever work, will we be happy? My friends worry as I don’t go out in case there is a chance of seeing him. It’s all a bit of a mess and wonder if I should walk away for good but fear it will take me a long time to get over him.

Did you just accidentally fall onto his dick too?

Come on. You’ve made a choice and you are continuing to make a choice

Tbf I think your posts do make it appear like you believe you’re a victim of ‘love’, that you just couldn’t help yourself. That’s rubbish.

The alternative is that you’re ‘owning’ the destruction of another family and knowingly putting another human beings mental, emotional, physical and sexual health at risk, which is it?

You believe his every line.
You’re still waiting for him.
You’re still making yourself available to him.
You’re still tailoring your life around his.
You’re still putting him first as your priority whilst he puts you second.
You’re still stroking his ego and prepared to sleep with him.
You’re still waiting for him and not complaining.

Looks like affairs do work.
For him, anyway.

If he cheated WITH you, he will cheat ON you. You can do better OP

@Flugreeny

Depends what you mean by works.

Is he going to leave his wife? Nope

I’ve had affairs with married men but I’d have been horrified at the suggestion they might leave their wives! The whole point of this is that it is supposed to work for you - you’re letting this work for him. Why on earth would you want to own a man you KNOW to be a cheat?

Why on earth would you want to own a man you KNOW to be a cheat?

Why would you want to shag married men and risk being complicit in their partner being devastated? Can't you just shag single people?

The work incident will get resolved and he will stay with her

Then it will be Christmas and he will stay with her

Then it will be her birthday/a family event and he will stay with her

And on it goes

You're wasting your time

I am well aware I’m 50/50 to blame
It's not 50/50, you are 100% responsible for your own behaviour.

Never once have I said I couldn’t help it!
Mere semantics.

"I didn't expect it"
"I fell into it"
"but I lurve him!"
"I ended up in this situation"
"it will take me too long to get over him"

• are all just different ways of saying "I couldn't help it".

There is no happiness for you here.
Walk away from this liar & cheat.

I’ve had affairs with married men but I’d have been horrified at the suggestion they might leave their wives! The whole point of this is that it is supposed to work for you

What an awful grubby way to lead your life - being used for sex by awful, grubby little men 🤢

OP I have been you. My affair went on for over a year, including one significant break up.

The reality is most wont work, and those that do work because the married party is prepared to leave as soon as they realise their feelings. Or because the affair couple break up while the married party sorts their shit out.

After 10 months and multiple break ups, no he's not leaving. If you think I'm wrong - give him the ultimatum and see. If he's serious he'll leave now, timing be damned, rather than risk losing you.

As an aside, I didn't wake up to what I'd done till after the affair was over. I was completely devastated by the breakup, at my lowest and contemplated suicide. It was then that it hit me that she would have felt all of that and so much more, had he left her. Weirdly knowing that no matter how bad I felt, someone else would have felt worse and that I almost caused that, helped me to work on getting over the relationship.

But be warned it takes much longer (in my experience) to get over an affair breakup than a normal one. Partly because you can't be public with it.

His wife thinks her life is just as she experiences it, even though she is being lied to and deceived on a daily basis. The affair is working for her, only because she has no idea of its existence.

Once she knows the truth:

she will be completely devastated,
her mental health will plummet,
she may have suicidal thoughts or commit suicide,
her general health will plummet,
her self-esteem will be on the floor,
she will feel like a total idiot and feel completely humiliated,
her ability to ever be able to trust another human being might be gone forever,
she will be tormented by mind movies about the two of you together and fear she is losing her sanity,
she will be angry and feel hate towards another human being like she never knew she could,
their children will be severely affected,
both hers and the children’s financial security and welfare and future on a day to day basis will be under threat,
close relatives and friends will be devastated and filled with worry.

Her husband will have caused this and you will have knowingly helped and encouraged him to do it.

Oh, so it looks like affairs don’t work out for everybody after all.

Obviously they must work sometimes because marriages break up over them and people remarry the person they had the affair with. But there's also a lot of drama and romance in an affair which quickly loses its gloss once the person is around 24/7 and the usual shit of changing beds, mopping up cat sick and nagging about paying the window cleaner sets in. Affairs feel good because they are remote from the dullness of every day life.

Honestly having been the wife this has happened to I just don’t understand why you would knowingly participate in something that will bring his wife so much pain. It’s an absolutely horrendous thing to put another human through. I just don’t get it. Of course he will tell you they are unhappy. If he was that unhappy he could of separated from his wife lived on his own then found someone else. But of course he can’t as he’s a disgusting, weak, pathetic man with no morals. The pair of you can try and make yourselves feel better by pretending you feel guilty but you don’t otherwise you would play no part in this

Sorry just read your post Thewookiemustgo
you are spot on. The devastation this has caused me and my children is beyond comprehension, I’m a good person and worry I’ll never feel myself again. I did feel suicidal, my self esteem is rock bottom. I will rebuild my life but it’s hard. So lucky to have my wonderful children, friends and an amazing counsellor. People are just so selfish. Knowing how this feels I could never put anyone through this. Until it happens to you, you have no idea. There are billions of the people on the planet why do you want someone that is married who has no morals not exactly attractive qualities in my opinion

You are not to blame 50/50 for your own current situation - you are 100% to blame because you could walk away and choose not to. He is the one being unfaithful, but you must take agency for your own actions. You are not happy - do something to change it cos from the sound of it it he certainly won't .

If you want to know if it will work the. yes it can. My husband are OW are together
The kids opinion of their dad has changed, he has lost all his integrity and respect of other people and has no friends. Enjoy being part of that!

@BonnieGoWayward

I’ve had affairs with married men but I’d have been horrified at the suggestion they might leave their wives! The whole point of this is that it is supposed to work for you

What an awful grubby way to lead your life - being used for sex by awful, grubby little men 🤢

This sexist, misogynistic narrative that women who have affairs can't possibly be enjoying it or getting anything out of it, and must inherently be degraded by the act ("used for sex", something nobody ever says about the man) is one of the reasons why affairs happen. It lets the men off the hook, and it makes women unprepared to resist when the opportunity presents itself....because they think it must be some obviously dirty, grubby thing that will lower them, and in fact the guy is likely making them feel better than they have in a long time (at least for a while). It's also just total bollocks a lot of the time, as in the case of the poster you just insulted, who was quite clearly very happy with her arrangements and never wanted the men to leave their wives.

You can make cases against affairs without resorting to bullshit misogyny. They'll be stronger cases for it.

I cannot believe you are claiming you 'fell in to this situation' as if by accident and it was nothing to do with you. You 'chose' this and I am shocked having been on the receiving end of an affair yourself you would do this to another family.

While you lay awake at night, he's spoon-fucking his wife in their marital bed. Then he gets out his phone, looks for other women to have no-strings attached fun with, sends flirty messages on social media, watches porn has a wank then goes to sleep. His life sounds perfect, why would he change it?

This isn't a love story, it's a grubby affair by numbers.

This. The more you post the worse you sound OP, I'd just hide the thread now if I were you.

@leavesthataregreen. 100% this— let’s face it clandestine get togethers and a few grabbed hours or nice meals and drinks with someone you fancy who doesn’t know all your stories inside out , gives you their undivided attention and can’t wait to have sex with you are basically the honeymoon bit of most relationships , without the reality of the more tedious aspects of real life getting in the way - I think many people get hooked on those honeymoon feelings and then find real life longer term relationships hard to sustain with all the ups and downs that are normal and lose interest at the point that real life creeps in. An awful lot of affair partners don’t actually end up together long term even after leaving relationships because they have never had the chance to experience ‘normality’ and often end up living together quickly due to circumstances

@crimsonlake

I cannot believe you are claiming you 'fell in to this situation' as if by accident and it was nothing to do with you. You 'chose' this and I am shocked having been on the receiving end of an affair yourself you would do this to another family.

From my experience, it doesn't seem to be that uncommon. I know quite a few people who were dumped for an affair partner and went on to have affairs with married people themselves.

I wonder if it's sometimes something to do with re-enacting the scene, only this time as the role that came off better last time. Or maybe it's just that a lot of people find it very very hard to turn down a connection when they find one, even if it's a selfish or unwise decision. If you've been cheated on and dumped, I can imagine you'd take what solace you can get.

But you won't have "fallen into" it like some sort of unknown, unavoidable pit trap.

@crimsonlake

I cannot believe you are claiming you 'fell in to this situation' as if by accident and it was nothing to do with you. You 'chose' this and I am shocked having been on the receiving end of an affair yourself you would do this to another family.

Again read my comment. Not once have I said it has nothing to do with me? I have said I am to blame, I knew he was married almost straightaway, it’s 50/50, and yes I’m 100% responsible to make the choice to walk away. I am not justifying my actions to any of you. My own marriage ended because of an affair. I have had the devastation of my kids, losing my home, and finding the strength to build it all back up. Which is why I have enormous guilt at what I am doing to someone else regardless of what anyone thinks.

It's very, very hard to compete with a wife or family OP. He will only see what he is losing, he will not see what he is gaining, because so far it's all fantasy with you. When the novelty of sex and affection wears off, and it will, you effectively have nothing to offer him but stress, guilt, debt, a worse relationship with his kids, fewer friends, the failure of divorce, and a massive amount of pain. Staying avoids all of that. Even if his wife finds out, she will probably want to work on the marriage, which also reverses all that. She will also throw in more sex than he ever had in his life, it's called hysterical bonding.

The OW gets caught up in the romance, true love is everything right? But at the end of the day, most men are logical. Unless he is truly miserable (and he's not, still there after 10 months) he won't leave, and if he does leave, he will likely try to get back later once he realises he actually needs to build with you, while missing his old life. As said, he needs to absolutely hate his current life to leave and take a risk with you.

Been there done that. My sincere advice is to break up with him, before he breaks up with you. And don't do it again.

@JodyD1973

I put this post up to gather other people’s opinions what I didn’t expect was to be sworn at, called pathetic and embarrassing. Am I embarrassed that I’ve ended up in this situation yes I am. Am I an embarrassment in other aspects of my life no I am not! For I was that wife who got cheated on, I do know the hurt this will cause as I’ve done it, been there and built myself up, moved forward, got promoted at work, and made a home for me and my kids never expecting to fall into my “situation” so for all of you commenting. You never know the full story of what a person has been through! I fell into this situation, at first telling myself I’d give it a few weeks it was a bit of “fun” never expecting that I would fall in love! The guilt does eat away at me, as I know it’s wrong. I know exactly how she will feel should it come out, it’s horrific. The worst pain ever. I know because I was her and I’m now doing the exact same thing which I do struggle with for those saying I don’t give a fuck. I also know I may be getting spun the biggest load of bullshit! But I stupidly fell in love. I just don’t know how much longer I can live this lie and will probably walk. And to put it out there my ex is still with his other woman, do I despise her? No I do not. She gets on with our kids and my ex looks happy. And I knew in our marriage we were not but was too frightened to leave for the kids. That decision was taken out my hands.

You know how it feels yet you can still do this to another woman? How does it feel to be so lacking in morals? You can defend your actions all you like, you are completely out of order. You thought it would be a bit of fun? Fun to fuck up someone's marriage?

Absolutely disgusting.

honestly i could NEVER do this to someone else after it happened to me

Seriously what is wrong with you?! you have zero empathy it’s weird!