WWYD in my situation….Would a night away from DH make any difference?

[WWYDAboutThisRelationship]

After a long marriage we’ve just had a wonderful and much longed for baby so the stakes are high for me anyway.
DH and I have muddled along for years, mainly because I have got used to his ways. I’ve lived with him longer than I lived with my family, I’m conditioned to him to a large extent. He has never and I don’t think he would ever hit me. But he is volatile, I describe him as a hot head. He is like a loud hailer when he’s angry ‘rah, rah, rah’ for however long and then it feels like it’s all out of his system and unloaded onto me and he wants to carry on as normal afterwards expecting me to do the same. No problems get resolved and then the cycle just continues until the next argument in a few days or weeks time. Our communication styles are polar opposites. I would like to resolve things calmly and he is incapable of doing this.

Today’s ‘argument’ was all because I hadn’t put his clean T-shirt’s in the drawer ready for him to put on. The other day he was ‘brewing’ because he was running low on pants and had no balled up socks. Pants and socks just hadn’t made it up to their designated places. You get the gist, most of it in his world is because I haven’t done my wifely duties. Instead I’ve been focusing all of my attention on our baby and getting my head straight after a bad bout of post natal anxiety. Of course you are only hearing my side so it’s all mostly one way. He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

But this morning it was the second of 2 recent nasty arguments. I was downstairs with the baby. I’m on mat leave and quite happily and understandably caring for her almost 24/7. Last night she went off to sleep around 2am and I was too tired to go upstairs with her and so she went to sleep in her crib downstairs and I flaked out on the sofa next to her. DH came downstairs at 5am in a mood saying he had no T-shirt’s and this is ridiculous. (There we’re loads in a pile downstairs I just hadn’t got around to taking them up). He started having a go saying he understands the baby takes up most of my time and he’s not jealous he just wants the basics done around the house. He didn’t care that I’d had about 3 hours sleep or think to ask if the baby or me were okay. It was just all about him as per usual. It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate. I told him to piss off which I know is not good either. I just couldn’t face another one of these arguments and listening to his nastiness.

The previous nasty argument was about how much time his hobby/side business takes away time from our family and he is obsessed with it. That time he was angry yet again and said ‘my hobby made me x amount of money last year so tell that to your shrink’. He is referring to my counsellor who I recently started speaking to due to the PNA. He did apologise for that afterwards but the damage was done.

So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old.

I have often said I feel like taking our baby away for a few nights to get away from him. I’ve never done it. But I feel very much like doing that tonight so that I actually follow through with it. It would give me a break from him and maybe give him some time to think about what it would be like without us. I would leave him a note saying our baby is safe but I wouldn’t tell him where we were going.
Do you think this would achieve anything? I just don’t know whether it’s worth wasting money I don’t have. But if I don’t do it how is anything going to change? Our baby is my top priority and I don’t want her to grow up in a house of atmospheres and arguments. I lived like that as a kid, my parents loved us but were simply incompatible and it was not good.
He really isn’t the marriage counselling type, we’ve talked about it before and it’s pointless if he won’t engage. He often says he’s set in his ways and is too old to change now but where does that leave things? I’m sick of this attitude.

I’m off to catch a bit more sleep whilst our baby is napping so I will come back to this thread later. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Wow sorry I didn’t mean to write so much 🙈

WIWD about that relationship is seriously consider leaving permanently.

My DH can have a bit of a louder-than-average argument style. My DH can be a bit of a lazy sod about sharing housework.

But he would never ever call me a fucking bitch.

He would never wake me in the early hours ranting about laundry and me ‘not doing the basics’.

He would never ever dismiss my mental health.

Your husband sounds nasty, and as if he’s treating you like the hired help.

Ultimately, if he won’t come to counselling then I’d leave him. Because what other option is there?

I don’t think you’re wrong to go away with the baby tonight, but I do think you deserve to tell him where you’ve taken them. Why wouldn’t you tell him? Are you worried he’d follow you? Do you have friends and family for support?

He just wants the basics done? He can do them then.

Honestly, I think you need to leave.

Doesnt take a psychologist to work out why you have post natal anxiety.
Youre not Dobby the fuckin house elf and youre not the maid.

What an arsehole

Why is it your job to do his laundry for him?

Even if you're on maternity leave, he could and should be putting his own fucking socks away.

Yes, go away for a night, have a think, have some respite.

But long term, is this really the relationship you want your dd to grow up thinking is normal?

Oh Christ - he sounds like one of those idiots who doesn’t realise that caring for a baby is an incredibly demanding, full-time job. And calling you a f*ing bitch - what kind of a bastard talks to the mother of his baby in that way?

He needs to seriously revise his expectations and attitude.

For a start - getting your socks balled up and t-shirts put away is not the basics - it’s gold standard. Why were you ever doing that for him anyway? The basics is making sure you have enough dishes to eat off and pots to cook with and you can walk across the floors without tripping over.

Sounds to me like he wants to continue living as he did pre-baby. So many men seem surprised at how becoming a father means they need to stop prioritising themselves and start prioritising their family.

Does he spend any time looking after your little one? Does he do any housework? That should be shared equally at least - in fact, he should probably be doing a bit more. Or pay for a cleaner.

All that said, unless you’re scared of him, I don’t think you should go away and not tell him where you are. You wouldn’t accept him taking your baby away and not telling you where, and I think it sets a dangerous precedent.

Do you have family you could go and stay with for a few days so you get some help with your baby? (And letting him know where you are).

It will never get better...most likely get worse..But I think you already know that.....so you stay or You leave....do you want your little girl growing up In an abusive environment....hearing her father call her mother a fucking bitch?

There's something fundamentally wrong in the way he is seeing you and this relationship. Actually in the way you are seeing it too. These things aren't minor arguments they are telling you what he thinks your place is, your worth. I don't think leaving him for a couple of days will really do anything to change that. I think you need to be working towards a permanent separation. He's already made it clear he isn't going to change. So you need to instigate the change, split.

He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

You've written this OP but every other word of your post directly contradicts it. He doesn't sound like a good man at all, not even a little bit.

You and particularly your baby do not deserve to live in the shadow of an angry petty bastard who can seemingly flip and start shouting over literally nothing. T-shirts not in the drawer FFS.

I would start making plans for a permanent move away from him x

Why is it money you don’t have? Is it money he has? Is there a joint account you can use? You need some space. I didn’t have pnd with my first but my dh came home and cooked dinner and did the washing, amd I slept in weekends while he got up with the baby. Yours sounds like an asshole. He’s just extra work and it sounds concerningly like he doesn’t even really share money, I would definitely be making plans!! They are very nasty things he says, don’t minimise that.

Get out. You stay with this person and all you're doing is teaching your child that it's okay for this kind of thing to happen in a relationship. Would you want your child to be spoken to as you are? If the answer is no, leave.

I don't think saying, "Need a break, so I've gone to a hotel with [baby] for a night/we're staying with family for a night. We'll talk when I get back" would be wrong.

There's no need to say that the baby is safe, because of course she is.

And yes, like PP said - he sounds like a selfish bully. You obviously got together very young and you talk of muddling on because you adapted to his ways. So the truth is probably that you should have split years ago. You may find in time that you’re both better off as amicable co-parents than as spouses.

I do think you should tell him where you are unless you’re afraid of what he might do. No-one on this thread would support him taking your baby away without telling you where and I think that cuts both ways unless there’s a safety issue.

Your whole relationship has survived until now because you shaped everything around him, you did everything he needed you do to. Now you have a different priority and it isnt for him - your life now has your daughter as a priority

Oh my goodness I started reading you post thinking it would be about the silly arguments most of us have in the early days as we adjust to a new baby on very little sleep for weeks on end - but what you’re describing goes way beyond that.

I know it’s very easy for complete strangers to say LTB - when in reality it’s not easy to leave a marriage, especially when you’ve just given birth. Do you have someone you could stay with for a few days to give yourself some thinking time? I think I’d go anyway, unless I felt I was endangering myself or my baby by going - or that he’d do something ridiculous like going to the police with a pack of lies.

I don’t think I could be with anyone who called me a fucking bitch - that’s a revolting thing for one partner to call the other - and to be shouted at at 5am in the morning because he didn’t have a clean t shirt and that you’re not keeping on top of the household stuff? That’s emotional abuse. Awful behaviour.

Good luck OP

My DH is disabled following a stroke so I put away his laundry and do 90% of the household chores. Before his stroke he was the one who did all the laundry for us both, and cooked most nights. When our DS was younger and lived with us it was still DH who cooked and did the washing etc. It taught our DS that men do these things, not just women.

Is your DH disabled in some way or is he just entitled and bone-idle?

If my DH had expected me to do everything as well as childcare he'd have come home one day to find I'd packed his bags and left them outside the front gate! And when he arrived home all confused and upset I'd have leaned out of the upstairs window and told the whole street exactly why I'd done it.

I think you are right in thinking you've become conditioned to his behaviour. Having arguments every few days or weeks is not a comfortable way to live - it's horrible. And I think you are viewing this in a new way because there is now a child in the equation too. Children are always going to see the odd argument between parents because we're all human, but every few days/weeks? They don't understand and will not feel like they are growing up in a safe environment. I am saying this as a woman married to someone who used to think regular arguments are normal, as his parents were like this. I regret leaving it so long to address the situation - it peaked in lockdown and started to seriously affect our 3 year old. I wish I had done something sooner, so my son wouldn't have had to go through it for so long, but I think I'd started to see it as normal too. We went to Relate for 6 months and he started to see how his behaviour was impacting me and his son. Things are MUCH better now and we are rebuilding. But this would not be the case without the counselling. Good luck xx

Side note: When you are looking after a new baby (I mean up to toddler age too) there is no way you should be expected to do all the housework too. Completely unrealistic.

He's incapable of sorting out his own clothing?

Yes, I'd go to a hotel

When there I'd start preparing to leave.

You aren't his servant.

Leave...

He sounds like a cock, and having a baby has only served to highlight what a twat he is.
In fact, don't you leave, kick him out.

congrats on your baby

"After a long marriage we've had a wonderful and much longed for baby"

Did you do all that stuff for him before the baby? Because it does sound a bit as if you put up with a shit marriage so you could have a baby?

And babies really really don't fix marriages.

I have to ask: why did you think it was good idea having a baby with this man? It's an awful environment to bring a child up in and could constitute emotional abuse (of the child, it's already abuse of you).

Yes no harm taking a night away but I don't think he'll change. You already said he won't do counselling and he's "set in his ways". Still a night away might do you and baby some good, get out from under his cloud.

"oday’s ‘argument’ was all because I hadn’t put his clean T-shirt’s in the drawer ready for him to put on. The other day he was ‘brewing’ because he was running low on pants and had no balled up socks"

Is he disabled?
Is he physically unable to do laundry fold his t shirts?
Or you just did it up til now?
Were you working out of home?
Or did you have agreement to be his maid?
Just say you feeding baby you cannot do it and from now he sorts the laundry

But it is a bigger issue

Yes leave go to friend or family who can support you