WWYD in my situation….Would a night away from DH make any difference?

[WWYDAboutThisRelationship]

After a long marriage we’ve just had a wonderful and much longed for baby so the stakes are high for me anyway.
DH and I have muddled along for years, mainly because I have got used to his ways. I’ve lived with him longer than I lived with my family, I’m conditioned to him to a large extent. He has never and I don’t think he would ever hit me. But he is volatile, I describe him as a hot head. He is like a loud hailer when he’s angry ‘rah, rah, rah’ for however long and then it feels like it’s all out of his system and unloaded onto me and he wants to carry on as normal afterwards expecting me to do the same. No problems get resolved and then the cycle just continues until the next argument in a few days or weeks time. Our communication styles are polar opposites. I would like to resolve things calmly and he is incapable of doing this.

Today’s ‘argument’ was all because I hadn’t put his clean T-shirt’s in the drawer ready for him to put on. The other day he was ‘brewing’ because he was running low on pants and had no balled up socks. Pants and socks just hadn’t made it up to their designated places. You get the gist, most of it in his world is because I haven’t done my wifely duties. Instead I’ve been focusing all of my attention on our baby and getting my head straight after a bad bout of post natal anxiety. Of course you are only hearing my side so it’s all mostly one way. He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

But this morning it was the second of 2 recent nasty arguments. I was downstairs with the baby. I’m on mat leave and quite happily and understandably caring for her almost 24/7. Last night she went off to sleep around 2am and I was too tired to go upstairs with her and so she went to sleep in her crib downstairs and I flaked out on the sofa next to her. DH came downstairs at 5am in a mood saying he had no T-shirt’s and this is ridiculous. (There we’re loads in a pile downstairs I just hadn’t got around to taking them up). He started having a go saying he understands the baby takes up most of my time and he’s not jealous he just wants the basics done around the house. He didn’t care that I’d had about 3 hours sleep or think to ask if the baby or me were okay. It was just all about him as per usual. It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate. I told him to piss off which I know is not good either. I just couldn’t face another one of these arguments and listening to his nastiness.

The previous nasty argument was about how much time his hobby/side business takes away time from our family and he is obsessed with it. That time he was angry yet again and said ‘my hobby made me x amount of money last year so tell that to your shrink’. He is referring to my counsellor who I recently started speaking to due to the PNA. He did apologise for that afterwards but the damage was done.

So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old.

I have often said I feel like taking our baby away for a few nights to get away from him. I’ve never done it. But I feel very much like doing that tonight so that I actually follow through with it. It would give me a break from him and maybe give him some time to think about what it would be like without us. I would leave him a note saying our baby is safe but I wouldn’t tell him where we were going.
Do you think this would achieve anything? I just don’t know whether it’s worth wasting money I don’t have. But if I don’t do it how is anything going to change? Our baby is my top priority and I don’t want her to grow up in a house of atmospheres and arguments. I lived like that as a kid, my parents loved us but were simply incompatible and it was not good.
He really isn’t the marriage counselling type, we’ve talked about it before and it’s pointless if he won’t engage. He often says he’s set in his ways and is too old to change now but where does that leave things? I’m sick of this attitude.

I’m off to catch a bit more sleep whilst our baby is napping so I will come back to this thread later. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Yes, go away for a few nights and enjoy the peace. He is a horrible man and you haven't fully realised before because you didn't have a baby highlighting his flaws.

I do all the washing and putting away of clothes in this house. DH cooks, tidies up, sorts the kids out, does all the ironing and puts the bins out. So when he has no clean underwear he is understandable upset because I have literally one job is your DH also doing way more than his fair share around the house?

Just think, this time next year, your baby will be a toddler, who will start having opinions, and getting up to mischief. If he shouts at you over a lack of pants being put away (not your responsibility anyway) then how is he going to be when your toddler throws food, or kicks him, or draws on the walls. Do you really think his anger week just be reserved for you?

If you think he will in that scenario shout at your child, then you know you need to leave him before this.

If you think he won't shout at his child, that does your believe his anger is both reserved for you, and a choice. In which case, why would you stay with a man who chooses to abuse you?

Either way, your relationship sounds awful. Please leave

Side note: When you are looking after a new baby (I mean up to toddler age too) there is no way you should be expected to do all the housework too. Completely unrealistic.

I totally disagree with the above side note. No one in any relationship should be expected to do all the housework ever.

I think if you want to go to a hotel then you should. My concern would be it would make him angry and put you at a disadvantage as you’ve left the family home. Are you married? Is the home rented or owned? None of these thoughts are particularly positive ones. If he’s angry what will it be like returning to your home?

I would contact your health visitor and tell them. I think they’re trained to look out for and help with DV situations.

You're in an abusive relationship. So was I. Left when DS was 18 months, life is amazing now. It's not you, it's him. Your child deserves better.

Leave and don't go back. He isnt a good man, he sounds like he has no respect for you or care for your feelings. As PP say this very much reads like you have become conditioned to being treated like this. As an outsider reading your post, it is blindingly obvious he is treating you like shit and I dont see how anyone could have enough redeeming features to make that acceptable. You really dont want your child to grow up a) hearing you being called a fucking bitch and b) thinking women are domestic slaves. How will you feel if your child starts speaking to you like he does in the future, because theyve learnt from him not to show you respect?

Yes, a night away or a week away as often as you can stretch to will give you an idea of the relief of being away from him and encourage you to leave long term. So its a good investment.

I feel so sorry for your long awaited baby being born into such an abusive home.

He is a nasty abusive man and you really need to wake up to the truth.

Yours is a highly volatile home that is already doing damage to your baby.

His behaviour is unacceptable.

Please call Womens Aid for a chat to spell out to you how bad this situation is.

Your PND is no doubt linked to the stress you are under living in such a volatile situation.

You deserve better.
So does your child.

Thank goodness you have a job to return to.

Please look at leaving this bad man, bad husband, bad father.

He is a loser.
An abusive loser.

Get out.

Haven’t seen anything in your post that shows he is a good man.

Do you want your baby to grow up in that?
I am 53. I had an angry, unpredictable Dad-he had manic depression. I learnt to be quiet, every days happiness depended on his mood and I spent a childhood fuelled on adrenaline and worry.
Seriously have a think.

Holy fuck, it's like being back in the 1950s.

Him asking where his t-shirts are "here they are [handing dirty ones] and here's the washing machine, so you can wash them yourself"

Your whole language is wanting to get away "I'm conditioned to him" "Have a break" etc etc - you know this isn't normal.

Either communicate and state changes need to happen, you're NOT his slave, you have a baby now which is taking up a lot of your energy and time - so he either needs to pull his weight, or fuck off, basically.

I don't think a night away is going to fix your relationship. This sounds like it has escalated since the baby arrived and it may get worse.

What is he doing to support you and the baby?? If you are doing everything for the baby, which you shouldn’t be, working isn’t a get out of doing anything for your child card, then he should be doing the house stuff. I bet you’re exhausted. Honestly I would be thinking about leaving permanently. Useless arsehole he is!

It sounds so toxic and abusive; just because it’s what you’re used to, it doesn’t make it right

He sounds like an absolute pig with zero respect for you and I honestly can't see how a couple of nights away or counselling sessions will make a jot of difference.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row and kicking him out before this escalates -you "don't think" he would hurt you OP doesn't sounds 100% convincing and that's worrying

Has he lost the use of his fucking arms?

He's a shit.

" It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate."

That concerns me - that there is a new nastiness in the way he talks to you since the baby was born. And to be honest, I could see a lot of nastiness in him pre-baby from what you've written. And now he's escalating.

Moaning about socks and t-shirts not being in his drawer - really? If he doesn't even take his own clothing upstairs once laundered I'm presuming he does very little of the day-to-day chores of adult life, and it sounds as if this is nothing new. Which tells me he does not regard you as his equal, you are just a domestic appliance; and right now a domestic appliance that is not working to his satisfaction, hence the ramping up of his nastiness towards you.

"I’ve lived with him longer than I lived with my family, I’m conditioned to him to a large extent."
Yes, he has conditioned you, hasn't he? You are accepting a lot of shitty behaviour from him that you really shouldn't. You are the frog in that anecdote. In the early days the water was cold and you sat in that pot quite comfortably. He keeps nudging the temperature up with his outbursts. You get slightly warmer but only slightly so you don't jump out of the pot, you barely notice it. Nudge, nudge, nudge. It's now so hot that you're really noticing it, considering jumping out of the pot, but so conditioned by him that you hesitate.

Are you sure it's post-natal anxiety, and not just the anxiety of living with a nasty piece of work? Your anxiety may have started post-natal (or increased to a point where you addressed it), but that may be correlation rather than causation. You've noted his nastiness has increased postnatally, and that increased nastiness may be the true cause.

"So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old."

"I have often said I feel like taking our baby away for a few nights to get away from him. I’ve never done it. But I feel very much like doing that tonight so that I actually follow through with it. It would give me a break from him and maybe give him some time to think about what it would be like without us"

Well - if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got. You've had the big talks and it achieves nothing. So yes - you do need to do something different, or this will be your life, forever - living with a prick who sees you as less than he is, creating an environment that is increasingly insufferable for you and will be very damaging to your child.

Going away for a few nights would give you a break,and god only knows you need and deserve that. But don't kid yourself that it would be any sort of wake-up call for him. He might notice he had no socks in his drawer, and that's about it. Sorry. I think it would be better if you went away for a few nights and got your head straight, and started making plans to leave him permanently. You know he's never going to change, he's actually told you that explicity ("He often says he’s set in his ways and is too old to change now"). Fine. Doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

Does he think it's a human right to have clean pants, socks and t-shirts appear in his drawers? How does he think the rest of us manage? Can YOU imagine waking up to find your husband whom you love asleep downstairs, obviously exhausted from having a broken night's sleep with your baby - and your first thought being how he's not doing his job of looking after YOU in a way you're perfectly capable of doing yourself? No, I didn't think so.

If you don't think you can change his perspective and if he won't go to marriage counselling changing him seems like an impossible task to me you really need to consider how you want the rest of your life to look. Are you a servant making sure your H is catered for and experiences not one jot of minor discomfort? Or do you have your own needs and desires and free will? I don't think the latter is compatible with staying with this man. Sorry.

He isn't a good man. He is vile and abusive. A poor husband and will almost certainly be a poor father.

I'm stunned that he expects you to put his washing away for him! I have never put washing away for my DH, nor for my children once they got to a certain age. Whichever of us is sorting the washing (and it could be any of us) sorts it in to piles then you claim your pile and put it away.

I appreciate I have picked up on perhaps the smallest of his poor behaviour here, but just wanted you to know that his expectations are fall from normal.

The rest of the stuff is plain abusive. You would be so much happier without him. Your life would be calmer and easier. Your child would be brought up in a happier home.

Our baby is my top priority and I don’t want her to grow up in a house of atmospheres and arguments. I lived like that as a kid, my parents loved us but were simply incompatible and it was not good.

You lived like this as a child. You were conditioned to arguments. Now your husband shouts at you and you have tolerated it because of your upbringing. Until now, when the reality of history repeating itself has made you wake up and see it actually cannot be tolerated or lived with, not if you want your child to be happy.

Abusive men often ramp it up during pregnancy and after birth. It’s a very, very common thing. Now that you cannot prioritise your husband - or even just tolerate his moods - you are seeing it for what it is.

You are his slave, not his beloved wife. He is an abusive, controlling, frightening man. Your marriage sounds like hell. You've put up with too much & your poor little daughter will suffer the longer you & he stay together. You know what you have to do.

OP this is not normal behaviour from him, he is not just a hot head, he is cruel. Me and my DH struggled after our baby was born, sometimes he would feel frustrated when he got home and the house looked like a bomb had hit it. We definitely had more arguments than usual and he would dodge a nappy change if he could! But, he stayed up with the baby every night until midnight, did all the cooking and a lot of the cleaning, and when sleep was really bad some days he got up at 4am to take the baby for 3 hours so I could get some sleep before he went to work.
I think you should absolutely go away, and then think really carefully about the impact his behaviour will have on your baby growing up, living with an unpredictable and volatile parent is not good for them and I think you will both be happier away from this man.

I must have missed this.. but does he not have hands or arms? Is he disabled some way that prevents him from taking laundry out of the basket or taking it upstairs?

If I missed it then I aplogise. If he is perfectly able then he needs to learn how to do some chores and shut the hell up.

Goodness.. how do you ladies end up with these sort of men? This would make my vagina drier than the Sahara dessert!

That’s abuse you know.

@WWYDAboutThisRelationship - are you finding these responses difficult to read or are they reinforcing a feeling you already had/have?
I have a feeling you know his behaviour isn't right - it's abusive