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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD in my situation….Would a night away from DH make any difference?

175 replies

WWYDAboutThisRelationship · 10/10/2021 09:51

After a long marriage we’ve just had a wonderful and much longed for baby so the stakes are high for me anyway.
DH and I have muddled along for years, mainly because I have got used to his ways. I’ve lived with him longer than I lived with my family, I’m conditioned to him to a large extent. He has never and I don’t think he would ever hit me. But he is volatile, I describe him as a hot head. He is like a loud hailer when he’s angry ‘rah, rah, rah’ for however long and then it feels like it’s all out of his system and unloaded onto me and he wants to carry on as normal afterwards expecting me to do the same. No problems get resolved and then the cycle just continues until the next argument in a few days or weeks time. Our communication styles are polar opposites. I would like to resolve things calmly and he is incapable of doing this.

Today’s ‘argument’ was all because I hadn’t put his clean T-shirt’s in the drawer ready for him to put on. The other day he was ‘brewing’ because he was running low on pants and had no balled up socks. Pants and socks just hadn’t made it up to their designated places. You get the gist, most of it in his world is because I haven’t done my wifely duties. Instead I’ve been focusing all of my attention on our baby and getting my head straight after a bad bout of post natal anxiety. Of course you are only hearing my side so it’s all mostly one way. He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

But this morning it was the second of 2 recent nasty arguments. I was downstairs with the baby. I’m on mat leave and quite happily and understandably caring for her almost 24/7. Last night she went off to sleep around 2am and I was too tired to go upstairs with her and so she went to sleep in her crib downstairs and I flaked out on the sofa next to her. DH came downstairs at 5am in a mood saying he had no T-shirt’s and this is ridiculous. (There we’re loads in a pile downstairs I just hadn’t got around to taking them up). He started having a go saying he understands the baby takes up most of my time and he’s not jealous he just wants the basics done around the house. He didn’t care that I’d had about 3 hours sleep or think to ask if the baby or me were okay. It was just all about him as per usual. It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate. I told him to piss off which I know is not good either. I just couldn’t face another one of these arguments and listening to his nastiness.

The previous nasty argument was about how much time his hobby/side business takes away time from our family and he is obsessed with it. That time he was angry yet again and said ‘my hobby made me x amount of money last year so tell that to your shrink’. He is referring to my counsellor who I recently started speaking to due to the PNA. He did apologise for that afterwards but the damage was done.

So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old.

I have often said I feel like taking our baby away for a few nights to get away from him. I’ve never done it. But I feel very much like doing that tonight so that I actually follow through with it. It would give me a break from him and maybe give him some time to think about what it would be like without us. I would leave him a note saying our baby is safe but I wouldn’t tell him where we were going.
Do you think this would achieve anything? I just don’t know whether it’s worth wasting money I don’t have. But if I don’t do it how is anything going to change? Our baby is my top priority and I don’t want her to grow up in a house of atmospheres and arguments. I lived like that as a kid, my parents loved us but were simply incompatible and it was not good.
He really isn’t the marriage counselling type, we’ve talked about it before and it’s pointless if he won’t engage. He often says he’s set in his ways and is too old to change now but where does that leave things? I’m sick of this attitude.

I’m off to catch a bit more sleep whilst our baby is napping so I will come back to this thread later. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/10/2021 15:36

He is a good man in general

No he isn't. He holds you in utter contempt and thinks you are a member of his staff or his servant.

It was just all about him as per usual. It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate

Good men don't do this once. They certainly don't do it more than once.

He thinks you are less important than him and deserve less respect than him.

He's a sexist bully, a shit partner and a rubbish dad.

Don't waste your life living under the same roof as someone who thinks they are better than you.

I do have a lovely and supportive family who would take us in immediately but I’m too embarrassed to tell them about all of this.

This is an absolute gift - a supportive family you know you could stay with is a GODSEND. Lots of people have nowhere to go and that's the biggest hurdle in them leaving an abusive partner - which is what you need to do.

Tell them what's happened - be totally honest with them and lean on them.

Don't bring up your child in this environment, watching this relationship and thinking it's acceptable.

I understand you're desensitised to some of it to the extent you almost don't realise anymore just how shocking it is for a partner to call you 'a fucking bitch' on an ongoing basis since you gave birth to his child.

Good men, fundamentally good men, simply do not treat their partners like this. I promise.

I'm assuming he's a bit older and has conditioned you to fit the womanly role he wanted someone to fill? Well you've done it for long enough - too long. No longer.

WhatsAppening · 10/10/2021 15:42

God, don’t fall for him making you think he does more housework than most men. It’s bullshit.

DH does the bulk of our housework and works 50hr weeks. I have similarly long hours but shifts so he has a better routine than me.

My dad has always shared the housework as well so my bar and boundaries for this have always been high.

As for the rest, well he’s an abusive prick who is pissed off his Wife-O-Matic machine has broken down.

felulageller · 10/10/2021 15:57

LTB

TalanaTey · 10/10/2021 15:57

I haven’t read the whole thread, but living with a man who rages about some socks will drive you looney in the end.

See a solicitor before you do anything, think anything, or make any decisions.

A night in a hotel I’m not sure would achieve much by itself. Would he get angry at that?

TalanaTey · 10/10/2021 16:02

Oh, I see he has called you a F B as well. Oh well, it’s game over completely then I would say. He can’t love you in anything like a normal way. Only you, maybe your child, will pay the price if you stay - but it doesn’t have to be that way if you get away.

MzHz · 10/10/2021 16:04

He called you a fucking bitch

For it having taken his socks up? Ffs. Open your eyes and see what you’re married to.

Tell him:
“You are an adult, you can put a wash on, for Yourself if you’re feeling petty, you Can dry, fold, iron and put away whatever you wash.

You’ve just called me a fucking bitch so it’s not going to be anything I feel like doing in a long while”

Then please make an appointment- for a solicitor.

Not a counsellor, that’s never advised for couples like yours.

You have rights, you need to get out of this marriage ASAP.

WhatsAppening · 10/10/2021 16:04

If you take a big step back for a moment to really think about what he was raging about.

He didn’t have t shirts HANGING READY FOR HIM. There wasn’t even a lack of shirts.

And as for socks not being balled. Fuck me, we’re lucky if we have a matching pair to hand.

He’s pathetic.

MzHz · 10/10/2021 16:06

He’s not interested in your health, well-being, happiness or anything

He wants the basics done, by you

He doesn’t care about you at all. Only himself

You have your long awaited baby, now please take the steps you need to get away from this man and keep yourself and your dc healthy and happy

Torres10 · 10/10/2021 16:08

Omg fuck that shit..he is not a good man , he doesn't actually qualify as a 'man' in any sense that's useful.
Make a plan, tell family, tell friends, get support, and run, never look back x

ShrillSiren · 10/10/2021 16:12

He's a twat TBH. I've no doubt he loves her but he's not a good dad just because he watches her for 10 mins here and there.

He's now escalating the verbal abuse as you're now trapped with him as you've got a baby. Seriously think about talking to your family about this. You can do better than him.

GoWalkabout · 10/10/2021 16:15

Take the plunge and talk to a supportive family member irl. You'll be ok but you need to rip the plaster off.

MzHz · 10/10/2021 16:18

Abusers often show themselves at times when they think you’re trapped; engaged, moving in, married, pregnant or new mum.

He’s showing you clearly who he is. This is the time he should be most caring of you, but it’s the least.

He won’t ever get any better, only worse. Men like your h all end up like this, no exceptions

Chewieboora · 10/10/2021 16:19

Tell your family. I suspect they've already guessed. Also pretty sure your MH will improve when you're not living in an abusive relationship. It is really hard OP but please open up. Don't be embarrassed, you have nothing to be embarrassed of, but your daughter needs to live in a calm peaceful environment.

wizzywig · 10/10/2021 16:27

I am in your situation (just minus the swearing). I find the break away is such bliss that coming back is hard. And the more time you spend away, the more positive times you have to compare the shitty relationship with

MilduraS · 10/10/2021 16:32

If you were my family member I'd only feel embarrassed that you didn't feel like you could tell me sooner. You have nothing to be embarrassed about yourself. Tell them so they can help.

HotPenguin · 10/10/2021 16:33

I would be rubbing his t-shirts and socks in some dogshit I think. What a wanker.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/10/2021 16:38

It sounds like you’re grateful for when he looks after dd when you have an appointment and that somehow this makes him a good dad. This is the very minimum he should be doing!!

You deserve so much better. You sound exhausted and worn down. I think you need to speak to your family openly and get them to support you.

Fuck the fucking T shirts!!

myheartskippedabeat · 10/10/2021 16:41

@WWYDAboutThisRelationship

My honest opinion?
Pack your bags and get yourself and your baby out of there he sounds nuts and god knows what he's capable of

Do not tell
Him your going or where your going either

Speak to your health visitor they will help you

I'm so so sorry you have such an awful partner but you must be brave for your baby 💐

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2021 16:42

Both times OP you have written long posts you have immediately apologised for "going on".

Does he make you feel like that? That you go on because in neither case do you need to apologise.

That coupled with the way you put yourself down shows just how much living with him has destroyed your self esteem.

Also the he does more that a lot of men and then list the bare minimum - he is doing just enough for you to feel grateful.

Please talk to your family this isnt a good environment

crystalize · 10/10/2021 16:45

Could you stay with your family for a few days rather than a hotel and be open and tell them what he is really like? I'm sure they will want to support and protect you. You need some headspace away from him.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/10/2021 16:47

He's an abusive bully. You need to end this relationship.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child.

Sparkletastic · 10/10/2021 16:48

He knows he has gone too far so he's being fake nice. Pack some bags for you and your baby and go to your family. Have a break from him and think about your future.

Mix56 · 10/10/2021 16:54

It appears he is also financially abusive.. Why have you got no money ?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2021 16:54

Your poor daughter, she's been brought into this nightmare and she only has you to protect her, which sadly, you're not doing. The damage to her being raised in this emotionally violent environment will plague her for the rest of her life. Pack your bags, take your baby, and get out.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 10/10/2021 16:56

OP, stop apologising to yourself for his behaviour. Stop trying to justify it.

It is outrageous for anyone to come to another person at 5.30am demanding t-shirts, underwear and socks. He's a fucking adult - he should act like one.

You're a 'fucking bitch' since giving birth? So, his behaviour has escalated since you became more vulnerable.

Do get away for a while. Notice how you feel when you don't have to accommodate someone else's bad behaviour. Perhaps imagine your baby grown up and with a life-partner like yours. How acceptable would that be to you?