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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD in my situation….Would a night away from DH make any difference?

175 replies

WWYDAboutThisRelationship · 10/10/2021 09:51

After a long marriage we’ve just had a wonderful and much longed for baby so the stakes are high for me anyway.
DH and I have muddled along for years, mainly because I have got used to his ways. I’ve lived with him longer than I lived with my family, I’m conditioned to him to a large extent. He has never and I don’t think he would ever hit me. But he is volatile, I describe him as a hot head. He is like a loud hailer when he’s angry ‘rah, rah, rah’ for however long and then it feels like it’s all out of his system and unloaded onto me and he wants to carry on as normal afterwards expecting me to do the same. No problems get resolved and then the cycle just continues until the next argument in a few days or weeks time. Our communication styles are polar opposites. I would like to resolve things calmly and he is incapable of doing this.

Today’s ‘argument’ was all because I hadn’t put his clean T-shirt’s in the drawer ready for him to put on. The other day he was ‘brewing’ because he was running low on pants and had no balled up socks. Pants and socks just hadn’t made it up to their designated places. You get the gist, most of it in his world is because I haven’t done my wifely duties. Instead I’ve been focusing all of my attention on our baby and getting my head straight after a bad bout of post natal anxiety. Of course you are only hearing my side so it’s all mostly one way. He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

But this morning it was the second of 2 recent nasty arguments. I was downstairs with the baby. I’m on mat leave and quite happily and understandably caring for her almost 24/7. Last night she went off to sleep around 2am and I was too tired to go upstairs with her and so she went to sleep in her crib downstairs and I flaked out on the sofa next to her. DH came downstairs at 5am in a mood saying he had no T-shirt’s and this is ridiculous. (There we’re loads in a pile downstairs I just hadn’t got around to taking them up). He started having a go saying he understands the baby takes up most of my time and he’s not jealous he just wants the basics done around the house. He didn’t care that I’d had about 3 hours sleep or think to ask if the baby or me were okay. It was just all about him as per usual. It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate. I told him to piss off which I know is not good either. I just couldn’t face another one of these arguments and listening to his nastiness.

The previous nasty argument was about how much time his hobby/side business takes away time from our family and he is obsessed with it. That time he was angry yet again and said ‘my hobby made me x amount of money last year so tell that to your shrink’. He is referring to my counsellor who I recently started speaking to due to the PNA. He did apologise for that afterwards but the damage was done.

So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old.

I have often said I feel like taking our baby away for a few nights to get away from him. I’ve never done it. But I feel very much like doing that tonight so that I actually follow through with it. It would give me a break from him and maybe give him some time to think about what it would be like without us. I would leave him a note saying our baby is safe but I wouldn’t tell him where we were going.
Do you think this would achieve anything? I just don’t know whether it’s worth wasting money I don’t have. But if I don’t do it how is anything going to change? Our baby is my top priority and I don’t want her to grow up in a house of atmospheres and arguments. I lived like that as a kid, my parents loved us but were simply incompatible and it was not good.
He really isn’t the marriage counselling type, we’ve talked about it before and it’s pointless if he won’t engage. He often says he’s set in his ways and is too old to change now but where does that leave things? I’m sick of this attitude.

I’m off to catch a bit more sleep whilst our baby is napping so I will come back to this thread later. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:
cocavino · 10/10/2021 12:28

I'm sorry, but his behaviour sounds abusive and I think you should seriously consider leaving for more than a few days.

Loveshelly · 10/10/2021 12:32

You’re being abused
You need to leave
It’s that simple

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/10/2021 12:33

He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

How to spot a good man:

  • He doesn't call his wife and the mother of his child 'a fucking bitch'
  • He doesn't demand to know where his laundry is as if his wife were some sort of domestic servant rather than his equal partner
  • He is considerate of his wife's mental health and well-being
  • His wife would never have to doubtfully say 'I don't think he would ever hit me' - she'd know that that's a place he just wouldn't go
  • He doesn't unload his stress on to his wife and then expect her to carry on as normal
  • He doesn't prioritise a hobby over the wellbeing of his family
  • His wife doesn't describe his behaviour as 'nasty' or talk about 'his nastiness'

I wouldn't be leaving for one night, I'd be leaving for all the nights.

fiveleftfeet · 10/10/2021 12:34

Him shouting at you when he's stressed and you wanting to talk things through calmly aren't just different communication style: you are a reasonable adult, he is an abusive bully. He'll start on your DD too when she's older.

You need to cut your losses and leave, I think.

Glumgal · 10/10/2021 12:35

OK so I've been married for 35 years and can probably count on one hand the number of times I've balled up my husband's socks for him. He's perfectly capable of doing that himself as well as taking a shared responsibility for doing the laundry and putting his own t shirts and underpants away. Your priority right now is to rest when your baby rests it shouldn't matter how many hours your husband works or how much money he brings into the house. Your his wife not his fucking servant FFS!

Dillydollydingdong · 10/10/2021 12:37

He was used to having his own personal slave to carry out his needs and wishes, but now he isn't getting all your attention, and he doesn't like it. Why can't he fold his own washing, take it upstairs and put it away? Take a day off if you want or preferably several days. And don't rush to catch up on all the jobs left undone afterwards.

sleepyhoglet · 10/10/2021 12:45

What hours does he work? Is it an especially demanding job? Are you planning to go back to work and when?

He is out of order. He should be offering to help not making you feel like a failure.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2021 12:51

The moment someone calls you a 'fucking bitch' you should cut them from your life like the cancerous tumor they are.

Don't raise a child in an environment where it could see its mother spoken to this way. It would be child abuse.

Get yourself away from this horrible bully of a man.

Glumgal · 10/10/2021 13:03

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

How to spot a good man:

  • He doesn't call his wife and the mother of his child 'a fucking bitch'
  • He doesn't demand to know where his laundry is as if his wife were some sort of domestic servant rather than his equal partner
  • He is considerate of his wife's mental health and well-being
  • His wife would never have to doubtfully say 'I don't think he would ever hit me' - she'd know that that's a place he just wouldn't go
  • He doesn't unload his stress on to his wife and then expect her to carry on as normal
  • He doesn't prioritise a hobby over the wellbeing of his family
  • His wife doesn't describe his behaviour as 'nasty' or talk about 'his nastiness'

I wouldn't be leaving for one night, I'd be leaving for all the nights.

^^This!
SheWoreYellow · 10/10/2021 13:05

When he’s at home are you both equally busy? You should be sharing house and baby stuff in the evenings and at the weekends.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2021 13:08

You set an unbelievably low bar for 'a good man' op. Cause he sounds like a right rotter to me.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/10/2021 13:29

You are in an abusive relationship. Do not allow your child to grow up in this mess.

RavingAnnie · 10/10/2021 13:43

He woke you at 5am to have a go that his T-shirts weren't in his drawer! WTF!

And why does he think that it's your job to sort his laundry out. You are not his fucking skivvy. If he lived alone he'd be doing all this stuff by himself.

SolitaryTree · 10/10/2021 13:54

He lied, he is jealous.
I have never understood people who are jealous of the attention a child gets but he is definitely jealous.
I’m only guessing so I could be wrong but I’m guessing that you have done everything for him for a long time and now that you have a baby to care for he is feeling put out that all of the time and attention is no longer on him.
He doesn’t sound like a good husband.
If it was me in that position I would leave and have a lovely happy life with my baby.

Reallybadidea · 10/10/2021 14:21

He's told you already that he doesn't want to change. You can't change him. What will going away for a single night achieve? I think you're hoping that it will scare him into changing, but even if it does in the short term, it won't in the longer term because he doesn't want to.

So it's up to you - continue living like this forever/until you finally have enough or get out now and change your life. It's very sad for it to come to this after a long relationship, but those are the choices really. Flowers

Cherrysoup · 10/10/2021 14:25

Nothing will change until you change them. He is not a good man, he’s expecting you to carry on with your ‘wifely’ duties and look after a new born. Wtf?! He’s verbally abusive and just shouts you down. How is this a ‘good man’? Get yourself and your baby out of this situation before he gets physical. Abusive men often ramp up the behaviour once their partner is pregnant/has the baby.

Miaowse · 10/10/2021 14:39

How are you feeling? It must be a huge shock to read all these replies but please listen to the unanimous responses and recognise you and your daughter deserve better.

Glumgal · 10/10/2021 14:42

I hope you've managed to get some much needed rest today @WWYDAboutThisRelationship I do think a night away from your husband would do you good. It would give you some breathing space and time to focus on yourself and your baby without having your overgrown tantruming toddler of a husband to take care of too. I don't believe it will change anything in terms of your husband seeing the light. Only you can decide whether you can live like this for ever. Big hugs x

Abcdefg22220 · 10/10/2021 14:46

I’m really sorry OP. Please please speak to your GP or HV because what he is doing is domestic abuse. That likely sounds extreme to you and he likely would be horrified to hear his actions described like that. But that is what it is. A few nights away won’t help in the long term.

You may well dismiss what a bunch of people on MN say, but read your post to your HV. You would be amazed at how many people go through almost the exact same thing.

FlorenciaFlora · 10/10/2021 15:00

My ex husband once did something similar over laundry. He was told that from now on he would be doing his own. And he did.

Sounds like he thinks you’ll put up with anything now you’ve got a baby.

Tyredofallthis1 · 10/10/2021 15:06

I think that he's put a lot of time and effort into training you to behave just how he likes and now he's concerned that the new child will affect the standards he wants from you. This means that he will have to raise the tempo to make sure that you stay in your lane and fulfil your duties.

How has his training affected the rest of your life?

Original poster
WWYDAboutThisRelationship · 10/10/2021 15:18

Thank you so so much everyone. I wish I could reply to each and every one of you to thank you individually. I genuinely mean that. I’m sat here crying with DD fast asleep on my lap, so many of the things you have said have really hit a nerve.

I got a bit more sleep while DD slept and she woke up with a huge smile on her face cooing and that always instantly makes me feel better 🥰

The ironic thing is I have been on MN myself under a different name and said many of the things you have said to me to other women in what I always think are much much worse situations than this. Why can’t I see this for myself in this relationship and apply it? You are right I am conditioned to this. I literally left home at 18 and moved in with him. He is all I’ve known and I am so used to living like this week in week out.

I must say he does love DD and he does look after her occasionally. Generally if I have an appointment or need a shower. The first few months he did help much more but from 3 months onwards he has happily taken a step back and I have to ask for help when I need it. He loves her though there is no doubt.

I really feel I should say that DH can be a total pig but he does do more housework than many other men. He works full time and does do things like the dishwasher, the bins and all diy.
I’ve always done the washing, ironing, the vast majority of the cooking and cleaning. But since DD I haven’t done very much cleaning just the essentials.
I’ve always been shit with money, I’ve never earned much as I can only handle low paid jobs both pressure and mental health wise so I’ve always felt like a lightweight in that regard. He always talks about money, it’s his number one priority. I do realise he is right about this because he is the main earner and he keeps us afloat but it is an obsession.

I don’t mean to drip feed but this morning he also said he might as well find another woman who does housework because I’m not doing it. If I said something like that to him he would hit the roof thinking I’m after another man. I really wish he had another woman on the go as it would all be decided for me, he would be someone else’s problem and we could make the break much easier. Breaking up because he is a verbal bully seems so low grade even though I know it isn’t.

I do have a lovely and supportive family who would take us in immediately but I’m too embarrassed to tell them about all of this. I reckon they probably would realise he is capable of this to be honest because he is so different to me in every way and sometimes glimpses of his true self do come through. They would be appalled at how he speaks to me sometimes though.

I know being called names is verbal abuse and I do not want DD to witness that. So therefore something has to change and I’m coming around to the idea that we need to go our separate ways. But right now it just feels like too big a mountain to climb.

I am still thinking about the hotel but money is tight. You are all right I would be beside myself if I didn’t know where DD was so I would tell him where we are if I do go.

I’ll be back later on I just need to get myself together a bit and decide on what we are doing.

Oh and needless to say DH is bounding around as if nothing has happened at all like he always does. Asking if I need anything and trying to make out all is well. I’m doing my usual thing of pretending I’m not crying and quietly seething underneath and wishing we were away from him for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
WWYDAboutThisRelationship · 10/10/2021 15:19

Gosh I do go on! I think I’m just emptying my brain really. I will read it all back though because this is a record of how I’m feeling right now. Somehow normally it all seems much less of an issue the next day.

OP posts:
Farwest · 10/10/2021 15:30

Flowers I am sorry you are having to deal with this. But you need to tell your family. The embarrassment will be over so fast, and they will help and support you. They almost certainly are waiting to help you. Get all your essentials in order, then tell your family that you want to leave him.

Reallybadidea · 10/10/2021 15:31

I do have a lovely and supportive family who would take us in immediately but I’m too embarrassed to tell them about all of this.

Please try and share what you've put on here with someone IRL. It's not your shame, it's his. Truly.

And I wonder how much of your mental health difficulties over the years have been because of how he treats you. Low level verbal disrespect/abuse wears you down and changes how you view yourself. You may find that if you are apart from him you discover that you are stronger and more capable than you thought.

It must be scary to think about being on your own after so many years with him. But how much scarier to think about continuing like this and having your little daughter witness it. Sending strength to you.