WWYD in my situation….Would a night away from DH make any difference?

[WWYDAboutThisRelationship]

After a long marriage we’ve just had a wonderful and much longed for baby so the stakes are high for me anyway.
DH and I have muddled along for years, mainly because I have got used to his ways. I’ve lived with him longer than I lived with my family, I’m conditioned to him to a large extent. He has never and I don’t think he would ever hit me. But he is volatile, I describe him as a hot head. He is like a loud hailer when he’s angry ‘rah, rah, rah’ for however long and then it feels like it’s all out of his system and unloaded onto me and he wants to carry on as normal afterwards expecting me to do the same. No problems get resolved and then the cycle just continues until the next argument in a few days or weeks time. Our communication styles are polar opposites. I would like to resolve things calmly and he is incapable of doing this.

Today’s ‘argument’ was all because I hadn’t put his clean T-shirt’s in the drawer ready for him to put on. The other day he was ‘brewing’ because he was running low on pants and had no balled up socks. Pants and socks just hadn’t made it up to their designated places. You get the gist, most of it in his world is because I haven’t done my wifely duties. Instead I’ve been focusing all of my attention on our baby and getting my head straight after a bad bout of post natal anxiety. Of course you are only hearing my side so it’s all mostly one way. He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

But this morning it was the second of 2 recent nasty arguments. I was downstairs with the baby. I’m on mat leave and quite happily and understandably caring for her almost 24/7. Last night she went off to sleep around 2am and I was too tired to go upstairs with her and so she went to sleep in her crib downstairs and I flaked out on the sofa next to her. DH came downstairs at 5am in a mood saying he had no T-shirt’s and this is ridiculous. (There we’re loads in a pile downstairs I just hadn’t got around to taking them up). He started having a go saying he understands the baby takes up most of my time and he’s not jealous he just wants the basics done around the house. He didn’t care that I’d had about 3 hours sleep or think to ask if the baby or me were okay. It was just all about him as per usual. It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate. I told him to piss off which I know is not good either. I just couldn’t face another one of these arguments and listening to his nastiness.

The previous nasty argument was about how much time his hobby/side business takes away time from our family and he is obsessed with it. That time he was angry yet again and said ‘my hobby made me x amount of money last year so tell that to your shrink’. He is referring to my counsellor who I recently started speaking to due to the PNA. He did apologise for that afterwards but the damage was done.

So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old.

I have often said I feel like taking our baby away for a few nights to get away from him. I’ve never done it. But I feel very much like doing that tonight so that I actually follow through with it. It would give me a break from him and maybe give him some time to think about what it would be like without us. I would leave him a note saying our baby is safe but I wouldn’t tell him where we were going.
Do you think this would achieve anything? I just don’t know whether it’s worth wasting money I don’t have. But if I don’t do it how is anything going to change? Our baby is my top priority and I don’t want her to grow up in a house of atmospheres and arguments. I lived like that as a kid, my parents loved us but were simply incompatible and it was not good.
He really isn’t the marriage counselling type, we’ve talked about it before and it’s pointless if he won’t engage. He often says he’s set in his ways and is too old to change now but where does that leave things? I’m sick of this attitude.

I’m off to catch a bit more sleep whilst our baby is napping so I will come back to this thread later. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

This is really sad. He doesn't love or care about you. He may say he does but that's only so you'll get back in line as his personal slave. You quite rightly recognise that you've been condition to tiptoe around him and keep him happy. This is no way to live and will be very damaging for your child to grow up seeing an angry, shouty, entitled man as something women just accept. Be the role model she needs and get away from this oaf.

Oh I'd be furious with him.
It would trigger reactions for me.
My Dad has these kind of rants in his 70's.
He'd freak us out every morning over socks slamming things around when we were DC.
Tell him from now on do his own laundry, you're not his maid or mother the angry twat.

OP, how many more chances are you going to give this germ? How many chances has he had so far? 50? 350? What is one more going to do that the previous ones didn't? My god, he barely lasted 2 weeks from last time! He is deadbeat and lazy, my husband and any other husband worth a damn would pick up a shirt themselves. He really hates women and sees even picking up a lousy shirt as your work. What good is he if he cannot fold a shirt? I bet he can't iron either. Mothers do men a great disservice when they do everything for their sons and never teach them to iron, fold or cook. He treats you as a lowly 1940s housewife. I bet he never offers to help with the baby, oh no, that's your work. He probably has never put a load of nappies or baby clothes in the machine.

You've given him more chances than most women would, he barely lasted two weeks. And why? Because he knows you will never leave him, and you will cave, so he knows he can get away with treating you like shit. Seriously, he's a deadbeat husband and by the sounds of it, a lousy father. If you were in hospital for some reason, could he cook? Throw a load of clothes washing on? He's useless. Stop giving him a reason to treat you, the mother of his child like shit. Gather your self respect and leave, because you are worth soooo much more than this. This is 2021. Have self respect and pride in yourself as a woman. Barely lasted 2 weeks? Lets be honest here; you know he will NEVER change. Break the cycle, and go girl! He is simply not husband material or father material.

He works full time and does do things like the dishwasher, the bins and all diy

Another one who does the dishwasher and the bins. What does that mean anyway? Doing the bins? I take stuff out and put it in the bin on the way out somewhere. And I put the wheelie bins out and back on the required days when I happen to pass them.
It's not some big massive task that takes hours.
Ditto - dishwasher. How does that take so long that so many women write on here about their shit men who do nothing "but he does the dishwasher and the bins".
Yours does the DIY too - wow!

When a baby arrives everything changes and the 'D'H should be doing more as there's this whole extra massive job of caring for a baby which wasn't there before.

He sounds absolutely awful OP. He isn't going to change and things will just get worse.
I absolutely would not touch those socks and T-shirts now - see how long they stay there.
And if he kicks off about them, rather than just taking them upstairs and putting them away, then he obviously hasn't listened to a word you have said and/or is not interested in making any kind of change.
Then leave.

It's not about T-shirts not being put away - it's his whole stinking attitude.

I am not going to comment on what I would do about the relationship, as I realise life is complicated. But I cannot get my head around this underwear, T-shirt’s and socks situation. I am trying to picture myself in the scenario where my husband expected me to do his laundry and I don’t think it would have got past my first snort of “that’s not happening” the first time he ever suggested it. So on that point, tell him to sort his own @#%! pants from now on.

Hope you are ok today @WWYDAboutThisRelationship - there would be more chance of hell freezing over than me moving those socks, pants and t-shirts now. I still can't quite believe he thinks it's your job to move them from their piles in the kitchen to his drawer when he is more than capable of taking them upstairs himself. But it would be a hill I'd be prepared to die on for sure. I grew up with my Dad expecting my Mum to do things like that though so that's probably why I've always been the polar opposite of her in my marriage. Hope you've managed to have the talk and haven't caved to his ridiculous demands xx

Diddums wants to be your only baby, OP. That’s the real problem here and a night away won’t fix it.

Tell him if he wakes you up whining about his underwear, when he is perfectly capable adult, you will be GONE
All he has to do is take the WHOLE pile up & put it away
Fuck that shit

I wouldn't want any child to grow up in a home where the father calls the mother a f'ing b*tch. Forget the few days break, just leave. You deserve so much better.

This is my first time commenting on a thread but thought this is one that I need to add. There are so many similarities in all that I’ve read from you, and my relationship with my LO’s Dad. I split up from him when my child was just 5 months old this summer due to quite similar reasons.

I hate to say but it’s very unlikely things will
change. Sadly people like that don’t and actions speak louder than words … a threat won’t change a thing. You need to go. Pack your bags and go with family for a week or however long. I hope you realise your worth and if not now, in time, as it took me a long while to get the courage to end things. I didn’t want my LO growing up hearing and witnessing that level of verbal abuse, daily and over nothing. Please don’t worry about money either, you will get help and you will be entitled to maintenance money so you may even be better off than you are now. I know that isn’t the reason you’re leaving but it’s a massive relief to not have money worries on top of everything else going on. Wishing you all the best. Be strong.

Did someone suggest burning his tee shirts, socks and underwear? I have an image of that little bonfire in my mind - hope he gets to see it too - what would he do then?!

@Glumgal - Thank you for asking if I’m okay. And thank you to everyone for your posts and sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it. (@Archie88 I’m glad you made the break and things are much better for you).

I’m fine and feel much stronger today and I’m not so emotional. I had the talk with DH, I told him that if he says anything like that to me again DD and I are leaving and I will start divorce proceedings. I told him I mean it, it’s not an empty threat it’s a promise. I said it is unacceptable how he spoke to me and that it’s 3 strikes and I’m off. I told him if it is day or night or even Christmas Day it won’t matter, we will be gone. I said the swearing and name calling was bad enough but the finding another woman comment was pretty low. I said if he has found another woman who wants to put up with his bullshit she is welcome to him. He said he was sorry and doesn’t know why he said that. I said that if we separate it can be amicable and we would both be the best parents we can be to DD. He said he doesn’t want to split.
Only time will tell if he genuinely realises this is last chance saloon or not. I really hope he does.

He still talked about his bloody T-shirt’s, etc though (calmly this time). For some reason he thinks it’s a measure of whether I care about him or not . I said why can’t he organise himself the night before like I have to. Why does it end up being a big drama when he looks in his drawer and they have not magically appeared overnight?
(@tara66 - Excellent suggestion! Well it would blow his mind I expect!)
I can’t get my head around a grown man being like this about something so trivial in the scheme of things, but he has always been the same. It’s the verbal nastiness which has escalated.
Oh and he is perfectly capable of carrying his own laundry upstairs and putting it away, a few posters asked if he had some kind of physical disability….He is fitter and stronger than I am!
He also said he will look after DD more regularly on a weekend morning so I can have a lie in. I will be reminding him of this as I would like a little break once a week.

I don’t expect miracles, but I feel a line has been drawn and I have decided that there is no going back if it happens again. I know most of you will think I’m delusional and I probably am but we have been together a long time and DD is so young, I don’t feel we can up and leave without giving things one last try.🤞

I don't understand why you keep having so many arguments, about things that are not all that important. I wouldn't be going to any counsellors, as you should be able to sort yourselves out at home, with some serious conversations, about getting in tune with eachother, and making some peace in the house.

Unfortunately I think you are just putting off the inevitable.
He'll soon start ranting on about something else.
People don't change.

Yeah abusers don't change. He'll be on good behaviour for a while and then it'll be back to the same thing.

You should use this time to get legal advice and figure out your finances.

@1forAll74

I don't understand why you keep having so many arguments, about things that are not all that important. I wouldn't be going to any counsellors, as you should be able to sort yourselves out at home, with some serious conversations, about getting in tune with eachother, and making some peace in the house.

Because he's abusive.

He still talked about his bloody T-shirt’s, etc though (calmly this time). For some reason he thinks it’s a measure of whether I care about him or not.
This comment of yours caught me. Many men are like that. They have a "trigger point" that proves whether they are loved are not. Fail to satisfy this and you are a total failure whatever else you do.
(My mother taught me that. She said she could commit murder as long as she had a carton of ice cream in the freezer at all times. A
dish of ice cream after dinner was my father's passion.)
I am NOT suggesting that if you do his shirts "right" that your marriage will be fine. It won't. He will still be arrogant, rude and controlling in every other area. You and your child should get out now before your child is old enough to even notice your DH because he won't be a good father.

If he was any kind of a good husband he would be asking you what he could do to help you, not moaning because his clean clothes aren't put away. Not having tantrums & showing off like a 5 year old. I would book a few nights away for you & your baby, even if it is only to a Premier Inn & take the time to think if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this creature, I can't say man because he isn't one. He is using the power he thinks he has over you to make you dance to his tune, you are constantly on edge waiting for his next outburst, it is no way to live & no environment to bring a child up in.

OP you sound lovely and like you're doing a great job. I have 2 children, after each baby there is an adjustment and I know DH took a little time to get used to a temporary drop in standards around the house - I too have been quizzed on where clean socks are, for example - but he'd never shout or call me a bitch over it, Jesus. That's just unkind. Will be do this in front of your daughter? Will she be on the receiving end of it one day?

You could go for a night but I don't think it will change him. You could have another 40 years left living like this. I desperately feel for you and in your shoes would consider separation.

At first I felt sorry for him as I presumed he was disabled with no arms. Then I read he does the dishwasher and the bin so, realising he had the use of his arms, my sympathy vanished.

No idea why he can’t do his own laundry? If my DH asked me about his shirts or socks I would think he had gone mad, how/why would I know what goes on with his clothes. I’m not his mother or maid so that’s on him to sort out. If I am putting a load on and there is room I top it up with some suitable load appropriate items if his that are in the laundry basket, that’s as far as it gets. I’ll hang them out with the rest and when I bring in, I separate them and dump them in a pile and let him know. No idea if he puts his socks in balls, folds them up, or macrame’s with them, couldn’t give a shit and never will.

Honestly, he sounds a complete pig and I’d get rid. Sounds as though you are just prolonging the inevitable.

This is chilling to read.
He's a bully, he's emotionally abusive, he's financially abusive.
You spelling things out to him was taking a big risk, as abusers get worse when they think you are leaving.
He's already had a million chances. You really think one more and he will suddenly realise that he's awful and will make some changes? Come off it.
OP, you need to get yourself out, but stay out. Going away for a night or a weekend and then returning will be like coming back to a swarm of wasps. He will be furious, not contrite. He might hide it for a short time, but you will pay for it later, and I'm concerned that you have put yourself in danger of this already by threatening to go.

I agree with all the other posters ... but

Don't go away for a few days. You have done nothing wrong and with a new baby it's too much upheaval.

Tell HIM he has to go and stay somewhere else for a few days.

Tell him you need time to think about whether you want to continue the marriage.

I’m going to be that person and say if he has a temper and is jealous of the baby do you really want him looking after the baby on his own? It would only take one outburst. Leave.

Well done OP.

I do think you need to outline again that while you can still do the laundry he needs to put his own stuff away because you only have one child, not two!

He started having a go saying he understands the baby takes up most of my time and he’s not jealous he just wants the basics done around the house

Vs

He still talked about his bloody T-shirt’s, etc though (calmly this time). For some reason he thinks it’s a measure of whether I care about him or not.

He needs to get his story straight. He’s not jealous of your focus on the baby but you don’t care about him at all if you don’t prioritise his needs over the baby’s- or your own.

I hope you told him that, to you, his lack of help and support and his verbal abuse is a measure of how much he cares about you.

I understand why you feel one last chance is necessary. I hope he’s capable of change, although I doubt it - I think you doubt it too, really.
Stay safe, stay strong. Support always here if you need it.