WWYD in my situation….Would a night away from DH make any difference?

[WWYDAboutThisRelationship]

After a long marriage we’ve just had a wonderful and much longed for baby so the stakes are high for me anyway.
DH and I have muddled along for years, mainly because I have got used to his ways. I’ve lived with him longer than I lived with my family, I’m conditioned to him to a large extent. He has never and I don’t think he would ever hit me. But he is volatile, I describe him as a hot head. He is like a loud hailer when he’s angry ‘rah, rah, rah’ for however long and then it feels like it’s all out of his system and unloaded onto me and he wants to carry on as normal afterwards expecting me to do the same. No problems get resolved and then the cycle just continues until the next argument in a few days or weeks time. Our communication styles are polar opposites. I would like to resolve things calmly and he is incapable of doing this.

Today’s ‘argument’ was all because I hadn’t put his clean T-shirt’s in the drawer ready for him to put on. The other day he was ‘brewing’ because he was running low on pants and had no balled up socks. Pants and socks just hadn’t made it up to their designated places. You get the gist, most of it in his world is because I haven’t done my wifely duties. Instead I’ve been focusing all of my attention on our baby and getting my head straight after a bad bout of post natal anxiety. Of course you are only hearing my side so it’s all mostly one way. He is a good man in general, he really is otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed all these years and I would never have had a baby with him.

But this morning it was the second of 2 recent nasty arguments. I was downstairs with the baby. I’m on mat leave and quite happily and understandably caring for her almost 24/7. Last night she went off to sleep around 2am and I was too tired to go upstairs with her and so she went to sleep in her crib downstairs and I flaked out on the sofa next to her. DH came downstairs at 5am in a mood saying he had no T-shirt’s and this is ridiculous. (There we’re loads in a pile downstairs I just hadn’t got around to taking them up). He started having a go saying he understands the baby takes up most of my time and he’s not jealous he just wants the basics done around the house. He didn’t care that I’d had about 3 hours sleep or think to ask if the baby or me were okay. It was just all about him as per usual. It got heated and he said something like you ‘fucking bitch’ which is one of the things he’s started saying to me since the baby has been born which I hate. I told him to piss off which I know is not good either. I just couldn’t face another one of these arguments and listening to his nastiness.

The previous nasty argument was about how much time his hobby/side business takes away time from our family and he is obsessed with it. That time he was angry yet again and said ‘my hobby made me x amount of money last year so tell that to your shrink’. He is referring to my counsellor who I recently started speaking to due to the PNA. He did apologise for that afterwards but the damage was done.

So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old.

I have often said I feel like taking our baby away for a few nights to get away from him. I’ve never done it. But I feel very much like doing that tonight so that I actually follow through with it. It would give me a break from him and maybe give him some time to think about what it would be like without us. I would leave him a note saying our baby is safe but I wouldn’t tell him where we were going.
Do you think this would achieve anything? I just don’t know whether it’s worth wasting money I don’t have. But if I don’t do it how is anything going to change? Our baby is my top priority and I don’t want her to grow up in a house of atmospheres and arguments. I lived like that as a kid, my parents loved us but were simply incompatible and it was not good.
He really isn’t the marriage counselling type, we’ve talked about it before and it’s pointless if he won’t engage. He often says he’s set in his ways and is too old to change now but where does that leave things? I’m sick of this attitude.

I’m off to catch a bit more sleep whilst our baby is napping so I will come back to this thread later. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I don't think you're going to be able to "make him see" you're serious if that is the intent of going away.

Here's the thing, people don't change unless a. they really want to, b. they get help, and c. they are well supported.

You say he is not the type for couples counselling so clearly he is not interested in changing. And even if he was, it is going to take a LONG time because he's been this way for a very long time.

So the question is not do you go away for a few days but do you end the relationship? Or do you stay in it, knowing he won't change and gradually becoming more and more unhappy?

Sometimes babies force us to make changes that we have resisted. Maybe caring for your baby has focused you on what matters most which is loving and being loved in a healthy way.

All the best with whatever you decide but no, you can't force him to change or, I suspect, even expect that he will.

OMG my heart rate went up just reading your post! What an abusive twat.

Tell him to do his own washing for a start, you''re not his fucking servant.

I don't think 'a night away'will help. I think a permanent move away will.

@1forAll74

I don't understand why you keep having so many arguments, about things that are not all that important. I wouldn't be going to any counsellors, as you should be able to sort yourselves out at home, with some serious conversations, about getting in tune with eachother, and making some peace in the house.

Let me guess - you've never lived with an abuser. That's ok, it's better for you not to have to know. But believe us. We're not stupid women who haven't organised our lives properly, we've been the victims of skilful manipulators.

Is he much older than you? Also I suspect you mental health would be better without him in your head all the time,

He's a "good man in general"?

What's your definition of a good man - because from where I'm standing he sounds bloody awful.

You have one precious life. Please don’t let this drag on for years and years. I made that mistake.

I’m sorry, OP, but he is not going to change. You are so lucky to have MN, as he sounds just like my ex, and our DS was 5 before I left.

I have to go out now, but one example of how things were when my DS was tiny. He was a premature baby, spent first month in hospital, and was tube fed. When he was just home and I was struggling to breast feed - attempting every 3 hours, expressing milk and usually ending up cup feeding etc. At about 9pm, my ex said he had no clean shirts for work. I said there were clean shirts upstairs but not ironed. He knew I did nothing at that point but care for tiny DS - in every 3 hour feeding cycle I worked out I had 15 minutes for myself.

The next morning, I was up before him, and attempting to breast feed, when he came roaring into the living room, yelling that he had no ironed shirt to wear to work. When I pointed out that I said they weren’t ironed the night before and that he knew that I was busy with the baby, he shouted at me that my priority had to be making sure he had clean, ironed shirts.

OP, instead of kicking him out there and then, I not only stayed for more and worse, but I ironed his bloody shirts, and wept all over them.

Don’t be the fool I was.

And another thing that came back to as I read your posts.

One time, when DS was a toddler my ex called me a fucking bitch in front of our DS, and later that day, DS repeated it to me. That broke my heart, and still I stayed.

LTB.

Hi OP really well done for posting a reaching out.
You do know abusers ramp up their behaviour once a baby is here.
I hate “fucking bitch” - my ex used to call me that -
He has “expectations of you as his wife” - he’s not fully verbalised them - a lot is in his head - so you don’t always know what they are -
He’s a misogynist.
I will say if you decide to stay it will be hard work also.
Does he talk to anyone else like this?
He has issues - that’s for sure - he has conditioned you over the years.
18 is very young - why did you leave home so young - why is your mental health so fragile -
If your childhood was dysfunctional and or you had an alcoholic parent we tend to marry addicts - is he a workaholic?

Do you have friends or has he isolated you.
He is jealous of the baby - the attention - the time - the energy she takes.
I’d start looking at finances - how much he earns - any savings he squirrels away - house value - his NI number for maintenance.
I’d see a free half hour solicitor for advice.
He’s jealous of the therapy you have - keep bloody going.
I really admire your courage in laying it on the line for him.
I’d speak to your family and let them know.
Abuse hides in the continued secrecy of it.
It’s not your issue or shame if you feel it.
It’s all him.
If his behaviour escalates then call the police.
💐

He still talked about his bloody T-shirt’s, etc though (calmly this time). For some reason he thinks it’s a measure of whether I care about him or not

Although your husband is a dick and is abusive this paragraph stuck out for me.
I think your husbands love language is acts of service whereas yours is different.

Not everyone believes in love languages but I find it interesting, other things are gifts, quality time, physical touch and another one I can't remember.

Most of us feel loved when we get a little bit of our love language but your husbands seems to be so deeply ingrained that he will abuse you.

I honestly think he wants a skivvy and is jealous of your baby.
I hope he can do his own clothes and actually managed to put his balled up socks away (I wonder why he likes them balled as it stretches them...)

I'm glad you've spoken to him, I wonder how long he will be polite to you.

So basically here we are again. I’ve had the big talks with him saying this is no way for us or our baby to live, if things don’t change we might as well separate, etc, etc. A week goes by and we’re back to the same old same old.
You said this in your OP. So you've just had another "big talk" and you expect things to be different this time? Just start planning your future without him, anything else is just a waste of time.

I hope it does work out for you op. Time will tell of course. In your shoes I would start getting my 'ducks in a row' (I hate that expression), even if he turns into the dh you want, it never hurts to be prepared and it will give you a little security in your own head.

My dh works a 65/70 hr week, although I do the lions share if housework etc, if he can't find a work T-shirt he will ask nicely if there's a clean washing basket anywhere, bring it to the bedroom and put everyone's clothes away. I have however also had the misfortune to be married to someone similar to your dh, the difference is night and day and I didn't realise how easy being married to the right person is.

Your dh wouldn't speak to his work colleagues or friends like that, so this is a choice for him. Now you've put a line in the sand you need to keep to it. Give him another chance and you're showing him it's empty threats and he can carry on as he wishes

He's emotionally and financially abusive. Think very hard about whether this is the sort of life you want to lead, especially when your baby grows into a messy, rambunctious toddler.

Do your baby and yourself a favour and leave this toxic abusive bully. It will get worse. He sounds horrific. Sorry Op

I do have a lovely and supportive family who would take us in immediately but I’m too embarrassed to tell them about all of this

Don't go to a hotel, take your baby and go home to your wonderful family. I have a feeling they won't be surprised when you tell them what a nasty sod he is.

@WWYDAboutThisRelationship I'm glad you are feeling stronger today. I hope for your sake it works out how you want it to. As you say, only time will tell. It's easy for all of us to say what action we think you should take but it's not our lives it's yours and only you can decide how much you are prepared to put up with. Good luck! x

OP,

I understand that you wish to give him one last chance.

Ok.

This is your choice.

But don't kid yourself that this nasty, selfish man is anything other than absolute scum.

Your husband is rough scum.

No doubt your family know.

Your daughter is very small, but she will grow up and know too, that her father is utter scum.

Do your daughter a favour and still prepare for leaving.

Scum like your husband choose to be ugly, nasty abusive men.

He's jealous of a baby and he will be a bad tempered, nasty, shouty father.

If you stay your daughter will have a miserable nervous childhood.

You waited a while for this baby, so sad that you can't seem to see how damaging a nasty abusive man is to have around a child.

I am married nearly 30 years and the idea that a man would scream names at me like he did is so unbelievable.

You didn't grow up around that, why would you think for a second your baby should be around it?

Give him a second chance, but start thinking very hard about the life your child is going to have growing up in a house with a highly abusive, bad man.

He is a bad man.

I feel so sorry for your baby.

Don't put your needs, and his ahead of your baby's, just because YOU have put up with this for a long time.

Your baby deserves better than the utter shit show that is her home and family.

Bloody hell OP. Bloody hell. You're self-aware enough to see that you've been with him from such a young age that you've been 'conditioned' to service his needs and meet his weird expectations. But you know it's not normal. You know it's bad, but I promise you it's actually worse than you think it is, because you're so used to it. And it's definitely a toxic relationship to model to your DD. How's it going to work when she's old enough to understand that daddy shouts and screams vile names at mommy and mommy cries and keeps her feelings inside while balling up his fucking socks?!

Take your baby and run - do not walk - back to your wonderful, supportive family, who will happily take you in, in a heartbeat. You've never been allowed to develop into your own, rounded adult - you were moulded into your DH's version of a Stepford wife. Is that really all you want in life? Is that how you want to spend the next 30/40/more years?

Hi op. Well done for being firm. However, you also need equal access to money. And he either does his fair share of housework or he pays someone to do it. You're not his maid.

I too can see why you are giving it another go, but I think this will be something that will come back, specifically because he is still using the fucking T shirts as a stick to beat you with.

Get yourself fully updated with what you would be entitled to, make sure you have a plan of where to go and what to do IF the wheels fall off again.

Remember, and you saw this for yourself, people like him like to threaten all sorts to get you under control, but this comes from WEAKNESS not strength - look what happened when you read him his fortune.

You have the power here, whether you stay or go is in your hands, but make sure that you are treated properly at all times and if and when he kicks off, you have your plan in place.

Use the couple of weeks (maybe) he behaves to do your homework, get prepared so that you can in fact walk out when he does it again.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Use the couple of weeks (maybe) he behaves to do your homework, get prepared so that you can in fact walk out when he does it again.

Yes. Really mean it this time.

"He also said he will look after DD more regularly on a weekend morning so I can have a lie in. I will be reminding him of this as I would like a little break once a week."

More regularly?
What did he mean?
Once a month?
Til what time?
Why does he still see spending time with his child as a,service to you and not because he is a parent too?
Next Saturday go out for serversl hours leave him with baby

Hi Op,

I hope you are ok following that conversation.

You said you would be embarrassed to tell your family what he is like. Could you send your mum/siblings a link to this thread and ask them to read it. That way you don't need to repeat anything and they can be ready for you if you need their help.

I don't know how you've made it this far with your husband: you must be incredibly strong. Use that strength to protect your child and yourself.

OP this sounds really awful, sorry to say. And I think you are giving him too much credit by giving 3 strikes and out, and also by thinking that he wouldn't ever get violent.

There was another poster who thought the same recently and her husband hit her. It was awful to read, and more awful for her to experience I imagine.

Please be safe and stop making excuses for him. Don't let your DD grow up to think this is an okay way for a man to speak to her.

I think that you have had your LO and realised that you have to protect her from the abuse that you have suffered for so long. It's very natural to have a defining moment in early parenthood; it instantly becomes an issue of protection and you recognise all the crap that you have put up with yourself and you don't want it around your baby. I think that is why so many relationships change or fold after birth. Sending hugs to you in your moment of clarity and wishing you strength

Bloody hell. What a depressing read.
I hope he steps up but I'm guessing the cycle will continue

We'll be here when it happens again op.