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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf's comment about my intelligence - red flag, what to do

157 replies

sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:03

I did a Master's at Oxford years ago and was in a cohort of EXTREMELY intelligent people - I was by far the bottom of the class but I loved the experience and being able to learn from others with such great minds. I was talking on the phone with him about this this evening and my bf of six months says 'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

Erm so? What does that have to do with anything. I was talking about the other people on my course being very clever but it was like he was trying to devalue the fact that I went to Oxford - which I wasn't bragging about, just musing on. He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway).

I am fully aware that this is his insecurities popping up but how DARE he insult my intelligence? And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so why is he trying to make out that I'm not very intelligent?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before. However, I am really cross about this - how dare he take his insecurities out on me?

I am really not sure what to do. Could this be a one-off mistake or should I just end things now?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 00:06

Only a post grad as opposed to what? An undergraduate degree? It does sound as though he's jealous and a bit stupid as well if he thinks that supplying students with books is the same as doing half of their essays.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:08

Yes, as opposed to an undergrad. I'm not really sure what to do about this. I've made it clear that speaking to me like that is unacceptable but this is really making me question everything, it's just so disrespectful.

OP posts:
BringBackDoves · 08/10/2021 00:10

No this is twatty and insecure behaviour from him.

A postgrad is ON TOP OF a whole litany of academic achievement. It’s not where you start from, you build up to it. So be proud of it! You sound apologetic and you shouldn’t.

I would try not to rise to it, but this is the mark of an insecure man so only you know whether you can deal with that or not. It’s unlikely to change.

R0tational · 08/10/2021 00:10

One off so let it go now but keep an eye out.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:13

@BringBackDoves why would you try not to rise to it? I can't help myself, I am so close to messaging him to tell him not to take his insecurities out on me, as well as to point out that my postgrad was still an achievement for me, especially as I was very unwell with anorexia at the time!

Do you think the fact he apologised is good or could he just have done it to pacify me?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 08/10/2021 00:13

What did he say when you told him speaking to you like that is unacceptable? Sounds like he was feeling insecure. It is a red flag. I’d log it and see what else came up.

Dillydollydingdong · 08/10/2021 00:13

I think he was demonstrating his ignorance by saying something like that. I would have laughed like a hyena

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:13

@R0tational thank you, I may be overreacting due to my experiences with my abusive ex who always put me down

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:15

@Honeyroar he said that I'd taken it the wrong way and he was just speaking from his experience of working at a library in Cambridge but that he was sorry for what he said and that he is proud of everything I have achieved. It feels insincere though. I will definitely be logging it , thank you!

OP posts:
StartingAgain6369 · 08/10/2021 00:16

My ex had a very good degree, I left school at 16 and worked from the bottom up. A levels and Uni wasn't an option for me due to a turbulent home life.
I have to admit when my ex talked about uni I did feel a bit inadequate but it was more the missing out on the social side not the final degree.
The details in your text are concerning and I would be very careful on progressing the relationship further

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 00:16

[quote sunnyside303]@BringBackDoves why would you try not to rise to it? I can't help myself, I am so close to messaging him to tell him not to take his insecurities out on me, as well as to point out that my postgrad was still an achievement for me, especially as I was very unwell with anorexia at the time!

Do you think the fact he apologised is good or could he just have done it to pacify me?[/quote]
I mean if he can't take his insecurities out on him, they you can't take your relationship history out on him.

He made a fairly nonsensical comment and you were right to question what he meant and why. But you going mad at him because of your emotional issues and then berating him taking his out on you...
Maybe the red flags are mutual

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:18

@SleepingStandingUp you don't think him insulting my intelligence to make himself feel better is disrespectful and a red flag? I don't think it is a red flag to call someone out on disrespectful behaviour

OP posts:
R0tational · 08/10/2021 00:19

I don't think you're over reacting, I just meant as its one comment in 6 months and he is fine otherwise, it might be good to mention it (like you have) but not bring it up again.

My last bumble romance called me a paper pusher and I just send emails all day. He was dumb.

Another said that Masters are easy and something else dismissive about my work/uni. I decided not to date him!

I hope it isnt the start of the end of the honeymoon OP.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:20

@R0tational thank you, yes I wonder whether the honeymoon period is over and he is now showing his true colours.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 00:21

[quote sunnyside303]@SleepingStandingUp you don't think him insulting my intelligence to make himself feel better is disrespectful and a red flag? I don't think it is a red flag to call someone out on disrespectful behaviour[/quote]
He made a flippant remark. The appropriate response is to ask him what he meant or to tell him that offensive. Not to go mad at him he because your ex was abusive. I'm not minimising the trauma of coming having been in an abusive relationship, I suggesting maybe you're not ready for a new one if you're going to go mad at him every time you perceive him to be insulting you.

HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 00:22

So is he actually saying that it's much easier to get onto a postgrad degree at Oxbridge than it is to get onto an undergraduate degree? I'm wondering why he didn't apply himself if it was that easy.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:23

Hahaha @HollowTalk I wish I'd used that as a comeback!

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 00:27

Hmmm

Plenty of people can feel inadequate/ defensive etc about things like the conversation you were having.

And more than a few men don't like/ feel I suppose... Emasculated?

If the first then I would give leeway as it's a really common thing.
If the second really not good at all.

How did the conversation come up? What was the context? I mean how did that topic arise?

'devaluing the fact I went to Oxford' is a strange thing to say!

You both know where you went to uni.
You both know that you're clever and there were lots of clever people at Oxford.

The way you talk about his uni is dismissive incidentally!

You know that there are loads of really clever people around I assume? Ones without further education? And that academic knowledge and... How to put it. Intellectual debate. Is not the only way to be clever?

So on rereading your OP a couple of times. Obviously I wasn't there. But it sounds like he might have been pissed off for a reason.

His reaction was pretty hopeless. But I suspect he just wanted you to give it a rest.

Sorry. I don't know you but that's what I feel based on your OP.

teezletangler · 08/10/2021 00:28

'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

I do understand what he means, though I wouldn't say it directly to someone who went there. I know loads of fairly average people who did postgrad work at Oxford and Cambridge (mind you I know a lot of fairly average people who did undergrad degrees there too). I am sure it's not generally as difficult to get into for graduate work? I definitely don't see postgrad work at Oxbridge or the Ivy League as a sign of brilliance.

It's still a rude comment, but I doubt he things you're an idiot!

ozymandiusking · 08/10/2021 00:32

Don't waste any more time on him. Dump him.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.

NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 00:32

I genuinely think you are totally misreading this OP.

How long ago were you at uni?

I also find it strange he said he was proud of your achievements. 6 months in? Was he with you while you were doing post grad?

Like I say I wasn't there.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:34

@NiceGerbil he is a keen tennis player and was talking about how he is one of the best in the club he is playing for at the moment and that when he wasn't so good he appreciated playing against the better players because he was forced to up his game in order to be any real competition for them and I compared it to my time at Oxford where I wasn't the most intelligent but that being around more intelligent people encouraged me to work harder so I could keep up.

@teezletangler I wasn't even saying it was a mark of brilliance because it was Oxford, I was saying I happened to be on a course full of very intelligent people. In the context of the conversation I suppose I could have said something like 'yeah but you only play tennis at a local level' and I have wanted to say that many times as he always bangs on about how great he is at it but I don't because I realise that it is a rude and disrespectful thing to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:35

@NiceGerbil I was at uni 10 years ago! And I find the 'proud' comment odd too, which makes me think he was just saying it to shut me up, not because there was any meaning behind it

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 00:35

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before.

All abuse starts sometime, doesn't it? Don't tolerate abuse ever again.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:35

@NiceGerbil and no, he wasn't there with me then

OP posts:
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