Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf's comment about my intelligence - red flag, what to do

157 replies

sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:03

I did a Master's at Oxford years ago and was in a cohort of EXTREMELY intelligent people - I was by far the bottom of the class but I loved the experience and being able to learn from others with such great minds. I was talking on the phone with him about this this evening and my bf of six months says 'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

Erm so? What does that have to do with anything. I was talking about the other people on my course being very clever but it was like he was trying to devalue the fact that I went to Oxford - which I wasn't bragging about, just musing on. He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway).

I am fully aware that this is his insecurities popping up but how DARE he insult my intelligence? And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so why is he trying to make out that I'm not very intelligent?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before. However, I am really cross about this - how dare he take his insecurities out on me?

I am really not sure what to do. Could this be a one-off mistake or should I just end things now?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:36

@Aquamarine1029 that's true. My ex wasn't abusive at the beginning either...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 00:37

[quote sunnyside303]@Aquamarine1029 that's true. My ex wasn't abusive at the beginning either...[/quote]
Of course he wasn't. He wouldn't have been able to reel you in.

NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 00:38

I know loads of people who were really clever on my uni course.

I never thought to call them 'great minds'!

We would go and sit in the pub and talk about things including what we were learning/ struggling with. I never felt like I was learning from great minds! They were just my mates who were blimey really clever but also fun, friendly, interesting etc.

I only bring my uni, subject of degree, or the things some of my peers went on to achieve (I'd say pretty bloody impressive things). If I'm being patronised by a man at work etc. If they are in a role that is connected I wave my old friends achievements at them!

Contrary to most on this thread. I think you're massively overreacting (hard not to with what your ex was like) and need to consider that you were just going on about it without noticing that he was not enjoying the conversation at all.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:39

@NiceGerbil thank you for another perspective, it has helped me to calm down a bit!

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 00:39

Why did he say he's proud of you for things before you met?

I don't expect DH to be proud of me for doing x at uni with lots of clever people.

Whole thing sounds dysfunctional tbh.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:41

@NiceGerbil I know, that's why I don't believe his apology but it is late and I'm probably overthinking it. One of my bad traits is that once I get a bee in my bonnet I can't rest!

OP posts:
teezletangler · 08/10/2021 00:44

After you've explained the context, I do sort of see what you're getting at OP. It sounds a bit twattish.

NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 00:46

Sorry I'm putting the boot in I know.

I've just always known and felt that there's so much to people. And that while obv academic achievement esp Oxbridge is very impressive. Loads of people are really interesting, insightful, think in ways that that makes you think, etc. And they exist in all backgrounds etc.

I know the academic thing is really big on here and there's threads with a lot of oneupmanship. I'm not keen.

And of course. Very clever people can be arseholes!

I suppose it's not a thing I judge on. You say you were bottom of class etc. And you obv have a lot of your... Who you are? On the Oxford thing. And yes it's a big deal.

But rather than singing the praises of those you saw as better. What are YOU really good at? Better at than most others? What makes you proud and gives you a sense of achievement right now?

And the same for him. Try that conversation instead! I suspect he will enjoy it and so will you :)

Snugglybuggly · 08/10/2021 00:49

You are massively overthinking this

Anordinarymum · 08/10/2021 00:51

I think you are over reacting because he is winding you up. I wonder why you even have these conversations though?

My bloke is super intelligent, has letters after his name, knows so many things I do not, is interested in political and social history and is always keen to learn. He is knowledgeable about the first and second world wars, He never tries to compare anything he knows with any aspect of my intelligence even though we both know he is far more academically minded, we can always talk about anything.
We all have gifts and special qualities, but to pitch our strengths against one another would be damaging to both of us so why do it?

It all sounds too intense to me OP

HopeClearwater · 08/10/2021 01:10

What kind of Master’s? All Oxford BA degrees can be converted into MA degrees if you wait a few years and then send the university some money. Is that what he was objecting to?

timeisnotaline · 08/10/2021 01:10

I don’t believe he’s proud of you, weird thing to say. If he talks about himself a lot for playing tennis at club level and puts you down when you dare mention some thing you did id get very bored of him very quickly.
In my arts subjects it was very much discussions as opposed to jane has a great mind, but in my science subjects it was crystal clear that some people are just very very smart. Some people never get a concept, and some people study it carefully and work through it several times and get to understand it, some people read it and Instantly understand it inside out and some people didn’t really need to read through it because it’s just so obvious and crystal clear that’s how it would work. Very different brains. So jealous of that last category!!

mycatisannoying · 08/10/2021 01:10

I think you both have your issues. He set a foot wrong, and you're acting like it's the end of the world.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 01:11

@NiceGerbil I absolutely agree that academic achievement means little - I have a friend who didn't go to uni and she is way more intelligent than me. And I don't really define myself by my studies, I very much value my kindness, compassion etc and that of others but I suppose I brought it up because I was trying to relate to what he was saying re tennis and learning from people who are better than you. It is certainly not something I mention on a regular basis and not that many people even know I went there.

It wasn't a case of pitching our strengths against one another @Anordinarymum, I only mentioned it to try to relate to what he was saying about tennis but by saying it was 'only' Oxford I felt that he was making an unnecessary comment about my intelligence levels

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 01:14

@HopeClearwater nope, it was a stand alone Master's - I did my undergrad elsewhere

@timeisnotaline yeah the tennis talk does get boring! I did an arts subject and was fascinated how people could use varying approaches to come up with different perspectives and back them up - it was such a different way of thinking that I was used to. I too am jealous of the sciencey types who seem to instantly understand complex topics!

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 01:20

It doesn't mean little. Not at all. Without clever people with a good education in certain fields. Then loads of advances and discoveries in all sorts of fields wouldn't have happened.

I see education as incredibly valuable. I really dislike that uni now is so expensive. And as a result and probably societal changes the focus is massively on what degree to get a good job, what sectors have opportunities and advancement and are well paid. Etc.

I feel so sad that it seems unusual now to study something because you love it. Because it brings you pleasure to find out more. Because it's a passion.

I know that's a slightly unusual view these days as well!

NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 01:23

[quote sunnyside303]@HopeClearwater nope, it was a stand alone Master's - I did my undergrad elsewhere

@timeisnotaline yeah the tennis talk does get boring! I did an arts subject and was fascinated how people could use varying approaches to come up with different perspectives and back them up - it was such a different way of thinking that I was used to. I too am jealous of the sciencey types who seem to instantly understand complex topics![/quote]
So ask him a question about something he might be interested in that suits that different thinking, to and fro etc. Politics, do you think the royal family needs to go, something from another country... I mean anything! And get stuck in!

Shit examples but best I can do this time of night!

NiceGerbil · 08/10/2021 01:24

'. I too am jealous of the sciencey types who seem to instantly understand complex topics!' Wink

But some of my course mates were insanely clever!

Most of us started to lose the plot with wtf was going on at various points from halfway second year!

Bellyups · 08/10/2021 01:25

I think it sounds like a flippant remark on his part, and you have overreacted. He’s apologised. I would just keep an eye and ear out and see if he does the same again. If he does, then obviously he has insecurities/jealousy issues

Rangoon · 08/10/2021 01:34

I'd think this is at least a pink flag. My husband has almost a straight A degree and a first class masters. I have two undergraduate degrees which are not straight A degrees. My husband has never felt the need to point out that my degrees are decidedly average looking next to his or that I never did post-graduate work.

Another pink flag is the tennis boasting. He's hardly Novak Djokovic is he?

I might not end it with him in the circumstances but I'd be keeping it in mind and the next time...

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 01:46

@NiceGerbil I agree. I was lucky to go to uni when degrees were 'only' 3 grand a year and I studied a subject I love - it really felt like 4 years of pure self indulgence! And I agree with your dislike about courses taken being pushed because of their earning potential etc. I earn very little (below national average salary) but I would never regret my degrees because of that.

@Bellyups yes I think you're right - I need to let it go now but will keep my eyes open for anything further...

@Rangoon lol at the tennis comment, I agree! I suppose it is insecurities showing again. The pink flag has been noted

OP posts:
Rocaille · 08/10/2021 02:01

Only a spiteful person would have said what he did. While some of us might have felt a little inadequate or envious at that moment, that's quite difference to lashing out in the way he did. He thought you needed bringing down a peg or two. I think you need to consider if he's someone you want to be in a relationship with.

I think there's a lot of negging and bad advice on this thread.

LanisHouseLot · 08/10/2021 02:06

Did he mean because it's a bit easier to get a postgrad place at Oxford than it is to get an undergrad place and that it's therefore less impressive/prestigious. There's probably an element of truth to that (not to diminish your accomplishment, it's just how it is) but I wouldn't appreciate the mean-spirited comment. What was it's aim - to take you down a peg or two? To make you realise your Oxford Masters isn't all that much better than his degree because it was only a postgrad that you did there. It's suggestive of a bit of jealousy and insecurity to me, especially with the library comment about having half their work done for them by getting help finding resources.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 08/10/2021 02:08

I've heard it said that it's not as competitive to get into Oxbridge for post grad than undergrad (on Mumsnet I think) so maybe he's heard similar and that's what he meant. But Oxford would only accept people able to cope with the rigours of an academic institution so objectively you're intelligent enough to go to Oxford.

I did my undergrad at Cambridge and it's laughable that the librarians did half our work for us. The people that got firsts (not me) admittedly read much wider than the reading list but even with resources, you still have to apply and interpret and analyse and get through really tough exams without them.

Buggritbuggrit · 08/10/2021 02:13

@Rocaille I agree. People are being odd, possibly because it’s about education. The thing he was being dismissive about is irrelevant - it could have been running a 10K or building a shed - the issue is the disrespect and dismissiveness, not the thing being dismissed.

OP, it is not acceptable for anyone, much less a man you are seeing, to denigrate you or your achievements in any way, flippant or otherwise. It is categorically not okay.

Additionally, his explanation makes absolutely no sense. He claims he wasn’t denigrating you, he was just stating that you, much like the postgrads at Cambridge, allegedly ‘had half your work done for you’? On what planet is that not minimising and dismissing your achievement?

It would appear that some people on this thread tolerate being spoken down to and think you’re unreasonable to object to it. You are not. His insecurities or feelings of emasculation (lord help us) are not your responsibility. You do not exist to cater to mediocre men.