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Original poster

Bf's comment about my intelligence - red flag, what to do

157 replies

sunnyside303 · 08/10/2021 00:03

I did a Master's at Oxford years ago and was in a cohort of EXTREMELY intelligent people - I was by far the bottom of the class but I loved the experience and being able to learn from others with such great minds. I was talking on the phone with him about this this evening and my bf of six months says 'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

Erm so? What does that have to do with anything. I was talking about the other people on my course being very clever but it was like he was trying to devalue the fact that I went to Oxford - which I wasn't bragging about, just musing on. He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway).

I am fully aware that this is his insecurities popping up but how DARE he insult my intelligence? And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so why is he trying to make out that I'm not very intelligent?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before. However, I am really cross about this - how dare he take his insecurities out on me?

I am really not sure what to do. Could this be a one-off mistake or should I just end things now?

OP posts:
simitra · 08/10/2021 02:18

What you have reported would be a tremendous red flag to me and it sounds like he is jealous that you went to a "better" uni. I would not wish to coninue such a relationship as he is always going to foist his insecurities off on you and what you struggled to achieve. Only you know how difficult it was

Some time ago I was on a discussion forum with a group of people who were very anti intellectual, always going on about "mickey mouse" degrees and exhibiting a great deal of jealousy and resentment towards those of us who were graduates. They were very dismissive of the fact that I had a doctorate from a RG university. I realise that most of the people in the group were probably from backgrounds where they were pushed out to work at 15 and never got the chance to go to uni. I came from the same kind of background and made my own opportunities to go there in mid life. Im justly proud of what I achieved and would never let anyone diminish it.

Needless to say I left that toxic group.

QueenBee52 · 08/10/2021 02:43

DITCH THE PRICK 🎉

SpidersAreShitheads · 08/10/2021 03:33

I agree with a lot of what @NiceGerbil said.

I can only go by how you come across on this thread but you seem slightly hung up on the fact that you attended Oxford and how this reflects on your intelligence. I've read all your comments, and it almost sounds like a stealth brag - even if you don't realise it. Likewise, you have commented what you REALLY think of his degree - you've sneered at it in your OP. So maybe this attitude translated into the phone conversation - and maybe this isn't the first time he's had to hear it? You don't seem to have much insight into how you might have sounded, or how you're holding him to a higher standard than yourself - and to be this outraged over a single stupid comment is quite excessive too.

For balance, his comment was stupid and unnecessarily rude. Maybe he was deliberately trying to dismiss your achievements, in which case it would be a real concern - or maybe it was just a snarky comment because he sensed your attitude.

Maybe it's a case of both thinking a little more about what you say before you speak?

madisonbridges · 08/10/2021 03:41

Is it possible you mention Oxford more often than you think.

LHReturns · 08/10/2021 03:48

Grin some of my oxbridge friends still refer to it - and we all graduated 25 years ago. I find it most odd - like mentioning your GCSE grades in your 40s. They STILL see it as a defining detail.

Kanaloa · 08/10/2021 03:55

Well you’re sneery about his degree and tennis - are you sure there isn’t a pattern of this with him being aware you look down on him and he’s eventually said ‘well it was only a post grad’ because he’s sick of hearing about your Donna Tartt intellectual experience surrounded by the great minds of an Oxford masters course?

Starseeking · 08/10/2021 03:59

In 6 months time he'll be sneering "you think you're so clever because you went to Oxford" and similar comments to undermine your confidence. My EXDP was like this, as he was jealous of every aspect of my life, although he was quite complimentary to begin with. 7 years into the relationship, you'd have thought I was something he'd trodden in, from the way he spoke to me, and minimised my running of the household.

I'd part ways now while the relationship is still in its infancy, and save yourself second guessing your instincts every time he says something "borderline".

altmember · 08/10/2021 04:04

I think your over reaction suggests it's you who's insecure. If it was a one off poor attempt at a humourous jibe, and he's apologised for it then that ought to be the end of the matter. If he's constantly making remarks like this to put you down then that's something else.

Starseeking · 08/10/2021 04:07

@Rocaille

Only a spiteful person would have said what he did. While some of us might have felt a little inadequate or envious at that moment, that's quite difference to lashing out in the way he did. He thought you needed bringing down a peg or two. I think you need to consider if he's someone you want to be in a relationship with.

I think there's a lot of negging and bad advice on this thread.

I agree with all of this.

Sakurami · 08/10/2021 04:08

A) he sounds like a massive idiot if he thinks that librarians do all the work for cambridge undergrads.
B) your bf should be bugging you up and not putting you down.

So yes I would be dumping him.

episcomama · 08/10/2021 04:10

@teezletangler

'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

I do understand what he means, though I wouldn't say it directly to someone who went there. I know loads of fairly average people who did postgrad work at Oxford and Cambridge (mind you I know a lot of fairly average people who did undergrad degrees there too). I am sure it's not generally as difficult to get into for graduate work? I definitely don't see postgrad work at Oxbridge or the Ivy League as a sign of brilliance.

It's still a rude comment, but I doubt he things you're an idiot!

I agree, TBH. It was a little rude and thoughtless, but I can see where he's coming from. He may have thought you were bragging in an OTT fashion.
echt · 08/10/2021 05:10

Is this your boyfriend, OP? :o

And yes, I think he's spiteful.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2021 05:31

It’s a red flag for me
Up to you if you want to stay and see if it gets worse

Youcancallmeval · 08/10/2021 06:07

I didn't read it as disrespectful or a red flag. I'm afraid I read it that he was slightly exasperated by the discussion about it. You both appear to be trying to compete with one another: I've been to Oxford, I'm great at tennis! If you like him, get on with it and see how things go. If he pissed you off, dump him.

UnsuitableHat · 08/10/2021 06:16

It sounds as if his insecurities are breaking through. Good on you for confronting it- maybe give him a chance, but keep an eye on things so you don’t get consistently undermined.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/10/2021 06:55

I think it’s a very minor comment to be honest, for which he then apologised. I think the fact that you are still so angry about it may be something you need to look at.

My partner and I sometimes say things that offend each other - such is the nature of life. We say sorry and move on. I would find it too much hard work if I wasn’t allowed to apologise and forget it…..

ichundich · 08/10/2021 07:07

I think YABU for automatically assuming that someone must be 'intelligent' because they went to Oxford. Boris Johnson also went to Oxford 🤷‍♀️...

ichundich · 08/10/2021 07:09

I think YABU for automatically assuming that someone must be 'intelligent' just because they went to Oxford. I mean Boris Johnson has also been to Oxford...!

MiddlesexGirl · 08/10/2021 07:13

You're not overreacting at all. He's a jealous twat who doesn't like that on paper you are more intelligent than he is. Objectively you can't get much better than an Oxbridge post-grad and you're almost certainly doing yourself a disservice by saying you were the least intelligent there.

I'd agree with PP that this is not something to be ignored. He chose to undermine you just like he chooses to big himself up.

If you want your self esteem to survive, don't spend any longer with him. Be proud of your achievements and don't allow anyone to stand in the way of you becoming the best and most confident you.

KateTheEighth · 08/10/2021 07:17

@madisonbridges

Is it possible you mention Oxford more often than you think.

I think this is probably right

"How do you know if someone went to Oxbridge?"
"Don't worry, they'll tell you"

3luckystars · 08/10/2021 07:19

Sounds just like a tiff.
You are right to be on your guard after what happened you, but nobody is perfect and you will disagree about things and sometimes nice people say stupid things too! He has apologised, and I doubt he will make that mistake again.

All the best, it sounds like you will do great, with or without him. Good luck!

FAQs · 08/10/2021 07:21

It sounds a little, I went to Tenerife and I went to elevenerfife. Maybe you are just different people, you may have potentially put his tennis games down by comparing his game to Oxford, who knows.

If this is the first issue in six months and despite his apologies you see red flags time to leave.

You’ve sneered at his Uni, he has insecurities , is it worth the effort?

FAQs · 08/10/2021 07:22

@Lovelydiscusfish

I think it’s a very minor comment to be honest, for which he then apologised. I think the fact that you are still so angry about it may be something you need to look at.

My partner and I sometimes say things that offend each other - such is the nature of life. We say sorry and move on. I would find it too much hard work if I wasn’t allowed to apologise and forget it…..

Yes agree with this.
Dery · 08/10/2021 07:47

Putdowns from partners are definitely troubling if they happen regularly but I agree with posters who say you're also putting him down and you're showing a lack of awareness about that.

Plus we all say the wrong thing from time to time and in a healthy relationship you can apologise and people can move on.

It's very difficult when you've been in abusive relationships in the past - it will make you hyper-vigilant and with good reason. But if everything else has been going well, then as some PP have suggested, let this go and maybe just monitor the situation. He has apologised and, yes, saying he was proud of you is extreme but he probably over-egged the position in an attempt to put right what he'd said.

If you've been very happy together otherwise, it would be a shame to spoil what could have been a good relationship over a thoughtless remark.

overnightangel · 08/10/2021 07:52

@madisonbridges

Is it possible you mention Oxford more often than you think.
Yeah I wondered this