Bf's comment about my intelligence - red flag, what to do

[sunnyside303]

I did a Master's at Oxford years ago and was in a cohort of EXTREMELY intelligent people - I was by far the bottom of the class but I loved the experience and being able to learn from others with such great minds. I was talking on the phone with him about this this evening and my bf of six months says 'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

Erm so? What does that have to do with anything. I was talking about the other people on my course being very clever but it was like he was trying to devalue the fact that I went to Oxford - which I wasn't bragging about, just musing on. He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway).

I am fully aware that this is his insecurities popping up but how DARE he insult my intelligence? And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so why is he trying to make out that I'm not very intelligent?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before. However, I am really cross about this - how dare he take his insecurities out on me?

I am really not sure what to do. Could this be a one-off mistake or should I just end things now?

[quote KirstenBlest]@Buggritbuggrit, as i pp, I work with academics and engineers. Most of the academics have a PhD. Some of them are MA (Oxon).

MA(Oxon) and a 'masters from Oxford' are not the same.

Some scientific bachelor degrees may be more academically challenging than some MS/MScs[/quote]
I also work with academics. I have been an academic. Not seeing how that’s relevant to the question I asked?

OP has been very clear that her Masters is of the postgraduate qualification ilk, not the honorary title (as would have been evident anyway, as the crux of the post is that she wasn’t at Oxford for her undergrad). So, again, not relevant.

We are talking about a masters from Oxford, not an MA(Oxon). I made that clear. So, again, please give examples of subjects in which a bachelor’s degree from University of Herts is more of an a Masters from an Oxford college.

Ideally, examples backed up by some sort of objective metric, as opposed to your personal opinion.

more of an academic achievement than a Masters from an Oxford college.

Could it be that while the experiences recollected by OP and her bf are ostensibly similar, he only got to namedrop his club and she got to namedrop Oxford and he perceived himself as being outdone by stealth?

Unless there's more to this story I couldn't get so het up about it. Yes it was a stupid comment but it was nothing more than that. He's not your previous partner. You have to get over your past if you want to talk in a healthy relationship with someone.

The argument about the value of one qualification is not particularly relevant.

The point is that she thinks that the university where he did his postrgrad is no as good as hers, and that he answers this with but the students at Cambridge had half their reserch done for them.

It doesn't sound like healthy relationship.

Maybe you go on about it a lot.

apologies for the typos. I can spell.

** He made a fairly nonsensical comment and you were right to question what he meant and why. But you going mad at him because of your emotional issues and then berating him taking his out on you...
Maybe the red flags are mutual**

^I completely agree

I have a degree from Cambridge and did a short postgraduate course at Uni of Herts which was excellent...

Tbh I spent my first marriage hearing my husband chipping away at the idea that Cambridge had anything going for it. I've had other men including my brother say similar stuff. Which is their opinion but it is only ever men saying it to me. I've no doubt there are some very limited students at Cambridge, because I was one of them, but anyone who attempts to tell me I didn't get a good and worthwhile degree on a challenging course gets a brisk response from me these days.

Yes I think he's trying to put you down the hierarchy. Fight back if you like him, but not by telling him Herts is shit. I wish I'd ever pushed back against my husband.

Massive red flag for me. Has he even got a post grad qualification? Did he go to Oxbridge or even a Russell Group university? Or is he the type to rubbish something because he doesn’t have the ability, finances and / or bottle to do it?!

Not sure why he said what he said about Cambridge. My brother used to teach at Cambridge University and that’s not the case.

@KirstenBlest

The argument about the value of one qualification is not particularly relevant.

The point is that she thinks that the university where he did his postrgrad is no as good as hers, and that he answers this with but the students at Cambridge had half their reserch done for them.

It doesn't sound like healthy relationship.

If it’s not particularly relevant, then why did you bring it up? My question was in direct response to a comment you made.

And, no, if you read the OP’s comments, she didn’t bring his university up to him at all. His comment dismissing her Masters was not in response to that.

And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so..

So you're sneering at his degree?

Ignore my questions about his qualifications -l have re-read your parts. I noticed he has got post grad qualifications and went to the University of Hertfordshire

Tbh he just sounds like a bit of a knob. Do you really see outgoing anywhere?

He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway)

I’m finding it hard to get past this. So, finding out where information is (eg using a library search index?) is the same amount of work as reading the information, critically absorbing it and relating what’s in it to what you already know, remembering it all and using it in future thinking?

Kind of him to give you this shortcut to understanding his thoughts. Half your work is done.

And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so

She did bring it up, @Buggritbuggrit

@KirstenBlest She brought it up to us, here. She did not bring it up to him and his dismissal of her Masters was not in response to that.

I feel like I’m repeating myself to you rather a lot. And you haven’t explained why you brought up the value of their qualifications if you don’t think it’s relevant.

Oh bore off @Buggritbuggrit.
I am not interested in you.

@KirstenBlest

Oh bore off *@Buggritbuggrit*. I am not interested in you.

So, to recap:

• You made an inaccurate statement about the relative value of two qualifications;
• When asked for examples to illustrate your point, you prevaricated;
• When asked for examples again, you were unable to provide them, claimed that the relative value of said qualifications was irrelevant anyway and (again, inaccurately) claimed OP had denigrated her partner’s qualifications to him, thus causing this entire exchange;
• You are unable to explain why you brought up the relative value of the two qualifications if it is irrelevant; and
• When you are pulled up on all of this, you become aggressive.

My comment upthread about the people with the illogical responses to this post and the distasteful chips on their shoulders? It’s about people like you. It must be awful to go through life feeling so small.

@saraclara she said ‘objectively’. She’s not sneering. (She’s been too nice to him IMO). Look at the entrance requirements for a start. You may not like the fact that all degrees and universities are not always seen as equal, but in a world ruled by league tables and UCAS requirements, you can’t deny there is a hierarchy.

@Buggritbuggrit, which part of Bore off did you not understand?

We don't know what OP's DP postgrad qualification is.
Uni of Herts is a decent uni.

[quote KirstenBlest]@Buggritbuggrit, which part of Bore off did you not understand?

We don't know what OP's DP postgrad qualification is.
Uni of Herts is a decent uni.[/quote]
It doesn't make any difference how good or not his uni is as it wasn't part of the ops conversation with him, she was trying to say she understood about the tennis but he shot her down because his fragile male ego couldn't cope with her having done the same thing he was claiming to do, she wasn't supposed to show empathy and understanding what he wanted was adulation.

Red flag. I had a horrible abusive ex who started like this. Save yourself the trouble and move on...you wouldn't say that to him, would you?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

My love, when we have a hole in our self esteem and an abuser steps in, it’s because they’re drawn to that vulnerability and it’s a very hard job to fix that hole, so more abusers are drawn to us. You are at risk of falling prey to a manipulative man. You can stop this, you can fix things but they’re not going to get better without you working on it, actively Working in it.

Calling him out is one good sign that your on the right track. But it’s not going to be the end of this. You know what he’s done and why.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before.

Before. It’s 6m in and this is the first time. On average it takes 18m to 2 years for an abuser to let the mask slip.

He must think he’s got his knees well and truly under the table if he’s trying this stuff now.

You mentioned ending the relationship and wondered if you were over reacting.

You are seeing awful parallels and he knew what he was saying was dismissive of you and tried to make you feel bad.

A masters from Oxford is a masters from Oxford! A masters degree is a huge fucking achievement! Add in the anorexia fgs and you’re an absolute Trojan!

He has to go. He goes because he’s sneered at you and tried to bring you down. His plan was to get away with this and move on to making you feel even worse about yourself

You are not over reacting, your twat-dar has gone off and you need to act

[quote KirstenBlest]@Buggritbuggrit, which part of Bore off did you not understand?

We don't know what OP's DP postgrad qualification is.
Uni of Herts is a decent uni.[/quote]
What part of my comment did you not understand? It was in bullet form, to make it extra simple for you.

Straw men will get you nowhere. I didn’t say Herts wasn’t a good uni. I didn’t say anything about her DP’s postgrad. I asked you for examples of undergraduate degrees from it that were more of an academic achievement than a Masters from an Oxford college - your initial claim. You couldn’t provide a single example.

I’m done with you now, dear. You take care.