Bf's comment about my intelligence - red flag, what to do

[sunnyside303]

I did a Master's at Oxford years ago and was in a cohort of EXTREMELY intelligent people - I was by far the bottom of the class but I loved the experience and being able to learn from others with such great minds. I was talking on the phone with him about this this evening and my bf of six months says 'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

Erm so? What does that have to do with anything. I was talking about the other people on my course being very clever but it was like he was trying to devalue the fact that I went to Oxford - which I wasn't bragging about, just musing on. He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway).

I am fully aware that this is his insecurities popping up but how DARE he insult my intelligence? And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so why is he trying to make out that I'm not very intelligent?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before. However, I am really cross about this - how dare he take his insecurities out on me?

I am really not sure what to do. Could this be a one-off mistake or should I just end things now?

Bloody hell.

I've not done a masters so I've just googled and the concensus is that postgraduate degrees are harder as they build on previously learned material.

So doing a Masters is an achievement in itself.

As for getting into Oxbridge it is a big achievement. Everyone I know who's gotten in has both been very intelligent and worked very hard. I went to uni but didn't get brilliant A levels and I didn't study as hard. One of my brothers got into a top uni and he studied very hard and got all As. I'd say we are both as intelligent but he just works harder so he deserves it.

I think people should be proud of their achievements, regardless of what they are. I am proud of my friends and family's and boyfriend's achievements and big them up, especially when I've seen the effort and dedication taken to achieve them.

I watched a documentary on cambridge students and it looked really hard, especially compared to my uni where we socialised more than we studied!

I think people should be proud of their achievements, regardless of what they are. I am proud of my friends and family's and boyfriend's achievements and big them up, especially when I've seen the effort and dedication taken to achieve them.

But she doesn’t feel proud of his achievements. She sneers at his ‘less-than’ university and openly says she has many times wanted to say he only plays at local level when he says he’s proud of his tennis. He obviously feels the same way about her turning conversations around to Cambridge and the brilliant minds society.

To be honest I’d be a bit put out if I was talking about my hobby and saying I’d done really well and my DH jumped in with ‘yes this is just like when I was at Cambridge.’

OP be proud of your achievements.. ditch anybody that puts you down 🌸

He was being an arsehole that is quite clear from what you wrote. I wouldn't dump him for it but absolutely pay attention to it.

‘Red flags’ for him having insecurities and feeling jealous of others. Not attractive.

• Boasting about his sporting prowess. (yawn!)
• Suggested that your having completed a postgrad qualification at Oxford University was ‘only’ postgrad, implying it was less impressive than undergrad entry and you not THAT high achieving.
• Suggesting that Cambridge University students were ‘spoon fed’.

I’m leaning towards the @NiceGerbil interpretation of things.

Additional thoughts
“'yeah but it was only a postgrad” could have simply been a flippant remark or joke, I see no correlation between this and “insulting someone’s intelligence” to me that is a bit of an overreaction and leap of logic.

Also struggling to see the connection between playing tennis at a local club now compared to a postgrad course at Oxford many years ago. Sports skills have no link to intelligence. The pp who commented on how often do you get into one upmanship as a couple probably has a point too. Do you automatically compare any and every achievement he has now with a “well back in my days at Oxford” anecdote? Was there really nothing more comparable in your life than Oxford “great minds” to playing tennis?

I would absolutely dump him for this. How dare he diminish your academic achievement? You’ve done amazingly. Being good at local club tennis is great, but not enough to put down your achievements. (And actually even if he were a Nobel prize winner he shouldn’t). That’s disgraceful.

Many congratulations from me though. X