Bf's comment about my intelligence - red flag, what to do

[sunnyside303]

I did a Master's at Oxford years ago and was in a cohort of EXTREMELY intelligent people - I was by far the bottom of the class but I loved the experience and being able to learn from others with such great minds. I was talking on the phone with him about this this evening and my bf of six months says 'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

Erm so? What does that have to do with anything. I was talking about the other people on my course being very clever but it was like he was trying to devalue the fact that I went to Oxford - which I wasn't bragging about, just musing on. He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway).

I am fully aware that this is his insecurities popping up but how DARE he insult my intelligence? And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so why is he trying to make out that I'm not very intelligent?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before. However, I am really cross about this - how dare he take his insecurities out on me?

I am really not sure what to do. Could this be a one-off mistake or should I just end things now?

@JulesRimetStillGleaming

Thing is though. For those of us that did go to Oxbridge, unless we're politicians, most people are really touchy about it. I've spent my whole adult life being both proud and embarrassed about it. I can't just make a throw away comment about university - which is a big part of your life - because I have to think about whether people will think that I'm bragging or being arrogant or showing off.

Whereas anyone else can talk about when they were in Manchester or Bristol or their mates from Sheffield or whatever and no-one rolls their eyes or judges them for it.

I got into Cambridge on merit. I was the first person in my family to go to any university. Damn right I'm proud of it. It's a huge achievement to be accepted and get a good degree from there.

I'm glad you're proud of it, you should be. Ignore the haters.

@longwayoff, yes and it's a good one. In my day it was Hatfield Poly

It’s a red flag. He is jealous and is starting to show it by putting you down - so what if you’re proud of your achievement? It doesn’t sound like you were showing off in my opinion. Also it’s laughable that he thinks that working in a Cambridge library is enough to understand the work that goes into a Cambridge undergraduate or postgraduate degree.

You took it the wrong way!!! The only thing he’s sorry about is having to back peddle after you called him out on his BS.

The mask has definitely slipped to reveal what he really thinks. I don’t know what his insecurities are but apparently belittling your achievements is, in this instance, how he chose to deal with them, arse.

Your BS radar is properly calibrated!

@HopeClearwater

My goodness there’s a few chips on shoulders in this thread about degrees!

You got a Masters from Oxford. It’s clearly a higher academic achievement than a first degree from the university of Hertfordshire and he’s got an issue with it. It threatens his ego. And now you won’t mention it any more because look what happens when you do.

sure is 🤣😂

The comment 'yeah but it was only a postgrad' suggests that the bf's internal table of merit is determined purely by how difficult it is to get on a course. From the stats I've seen in the past, it is harder to get onto an undergraduate course at Oxford than it is to get onto a postgrad course, judging only from the number of applications to number of places - although that does not say anything about the quality of the applicants putting themselves forward in the first place.

And actually, it could be argued that you are more likely to benefit from mingling with Oxford dons doing interesting work, when you have already honed your skills to some degree, and are of sufficient use/interest to merit their time/attention.

@R0tational

One off so let it go now but keep an eye out.

No this is a serious red flag Been there

This is how it starts

How dare he 🤬🤬

A master's degree from Oxford isn't necessarily of more academic achievement than a bachelor degree from Hertfordshire.

It depends on the subject.

I know a few who have done one, and I know a few Uni if Herts grads.

@KirstenBlest

A master's degree from Oxford isn't necessarily of more academic achievement than a bachelor degree from Hertfordshire.

It depends on the subject.

I know a few who have done one, and I know a few Uni if Herts grads.

😂🤣

of not if

Why is that funny @QueenBee52.

Proud of you is a very weird thing to say. Almost parental and slightly belittling. As if he’s had some role in your achievements. Admire you would have been the thing to say.

And that’s without the whole needing to knock your postgrad thing.

Massive chip I’d say. Keep a very, very close eye out.

As well as the fact that his comment doesn't even make sense ('only a postgrad' - as opposed to what?) I notice that he took the chance to get in a dig at what you've done, whereas in your own words, 'he always bangs on about how great he is at '. If the real him is about bigging himself up regularly but nitpicking at you, I would walk away.

OP, he sounds insufferable with his boastful tennis drivel and now this direct undermining jab.

There will be many more examples of his insecurities turning into barbs against you before you actually dump him, which you will. Why waste time?

Could he have been trying to put them down, the other people in the group, to try and (clumsily) reassure you that you aren't any less intelligent or worth any less than they are?

He might have read the self deprecating "I was so much stupider..." as you fishing for compliments?

It's like posts on here where someone laments what a nice life someone else has, and the first 5 posts are all "bet it's rubbish really, bet they are secretly really miserable..." he could have been saying that people who had also done their undergrads at Oxbridge had more help/support than you to get there?

A few mumsnetters stated on a thread a while back that it is easier to get onto a post grad than an under grad course at oxbridge. I cannot comment on this and tbh I don’t think it matters whether it is or not, you studied at one of the most prestigious universities in this country. Only a complete idiot would try to put that down. Seeing as he was a former librarian rather than student at Cambridge, he has no inside knowledge and should have kept his opinions to himself.

Tbh OP he sounds like a bit of a dick. Don’t devote love and time and energy to someone who’s essentially crap to be with.

@Mummyoflittledragon, it easier, and as someone who works with academics and engineers, I wouldn't be that impressed with a masters from Oxford in itself.

@KirstenBlest

A master's degree from Oxford isn't necessarily of more academic achievement than a bachelor degree from Hertfordshire.

It depends on the subject.

I know a few who have done one, and I know a few Uni if Herts grads.

Please give examples of subjects in which a bachelor’s degree from University of Herts is more of an a Masters from an Oxford college.

Ideally, examples backed up by some sort of objective metric, please.

It doesn't matter if it's easier or harder, that wasn't under discussion, the comment was made to empathize with him and to say she understood about his tennis as she had done the same at oxford, ie pushed herself due to the others round her but he dismissed it and put the op down. I couldn't stay in this relationship even claiming to be proud of her achievements is a massive red flag

Some of these comments are mad. Most people don’t do postgraduate degrees. 42% of the UK’s population aged between 21 and 64 have a degree, 6.2% of this age category have a Masters degree. As a percentage of the UK’s total population, this means that Masters graduates form 1.3% of the population.

As such, denigrating a Masters from anywhere at all is a bit stupid. An Oxbridge Masters programme may be ‘easier’ to get into than Oxbridge undergraduate course, due to fewer people applying at that level - but that’s the case across the board for postgraduate study. Fewer people apply for it. As such, an Oxbridge Masters programme is, by any objective metric, more difficult to get onto than most Masters programmes in the country.

And, either way, even if it were an A-level, his dismissal of her achievement would not be okay. This whole ‘putting OP in her place because she was clearly bragging/OTT’ thing is really revealing the massive chips some women have on their shoulders about any perceived female achievement/feelings of superiority/not knowing one’s place. It’s extremely distasteful.

@Buggritbuggrit, as i pp, I work with academics and engineers. Most of the academics have a PhD. Some of them are MA (Oxon).

MA(Oxon) and a 'masters from Oxford' are not the same.

Some scientific bachelor degrees may be more academically challenging than some MS/MScs

Every time he does it, say “are you threatened by me”. He will soon stop

MA/MSc , sorry.

I know this is spectacularly missing the point of the thread. OP is upset about her boyfriend's comments and isn't looking for a debate on whether master's from Oxford are any good or not. But Oxford is an academic place to study. They wouldn't take on anyone just because they can pay the fee and want to do it. It isn't in their interest to take on people who might not pass. It dilutes their reputation and messes up the stats. It's in a results business at the end of the day.

My undergrad subject at Cambridge is one that rowers and rugby players tend ti do because of the perception that it's 'easy'. I did it due to a genuine love of the subject. It does make me eye roll to see how many of the rowers in the boat race are doing an MPhil in my subject in order to get at least another year in the boat race. I don't doubt that some of the academic high standards might be overlooked slightly for those with a prodigious sporting talent. But my course mates who were university level sports people were also very bright and kept up with the course despite the hours spent training. Many have gone on to compete in the Olympics and won gold medals so I forgive them extending their academic careers to maximise their sporting potential.

I don't think any of this really matters. OP's boyfriend sounds insecure. Did he apply to Cambridge and not get in? Is that why he was working there? In which case this could be a simple case of projection and sour grapes.