Bf's comment about my intelligence - red flag, what to do

[sunnyside303]

I did a Master's at Oxford years ago and was in a cohort of EXTREMELY intelligent people - I was by far the bottom of the class but I loved the experience and being able to learn from others with such great minds. I was talking on the phone with him about this this evening and my bf of six months says 'yeah but it was only a postgrad'.

Erm so? What does that have to do with anything. I was talking about the other people on my course being very clever but it was like he was trying to devalue the fact that I went to Oxford - which I wasn't bragging about, just musing on. He said that he worked at a library in Cambridge and all the students had their resources found for them so half their work was already done (which I don't believe, but anyway).

I am fully aware that this is his insecurities popping up but how DARE he insult my intelligence? And if we're going to get into petty one-upmanship re universities, he did his postgrad at the Uni of Hertfordshire which is objectively not as good as Oxford so why is he trying to make out that I'm not very intelligent?

I have an abusive ex who used to do stuff like this all the time so when my current bf said it, I went mad and he apologised and said he is proud of what I have achieved etc but it just feels like lip service.

This is so out of character for him - we have only been together for 6 months but he has never criticised or put me down before. However, I am really cross about this - how dare he take his insecurities out on me?

I am really not sure what to do. Could this be a one-off mistake or should I just end things now?

I suspect you are very protective over that time in your life, you had anorexia and were in a cohort of massively intellectual people. I would imagine that it was a huge achievement for you to complete that course, which would heighten any comment made about it.

It was a huge achievement for you, which is fantastic, but you may be a little sensitive about it.

Well, compare it against his, in my view, lesser achievements then leave him where you found him. He doesn't know what he's talking about and you should be laughing at his helpful mansplanation rather than seeking opinions on his twat rating. Silly boy.

Walk away.

I studied at Oxbridge. Many moons ago I went on a date with someone who queried if I had been at the university or poly (as it was in those days). I replied that I had been at the university. His attitude towards me totally changed - he became quite sneering and sarcastic. I never saw him again.

Some men like to put “clever” (yes, I know that there are different types of “clever”) women in their place ie make them feel very small. He’s not worth your time.

Maybe you're beginning to sound to him a bit like an Oxford bore, you know those people who have to make every conversation come around to the fact that they went to Oxford and 'muse' on the 'great minds' they met there. It's definitely a very particular type of person and I know it would do my head in.

@madisonbridges

Is it possible you mention Oxford more often than you think.

Yet perhaps not as often as he mentions tennis.

The remark reminds me of an ex of mine who fairly regularly said critical things, interspersed with a lot of admiration (some of it excessive in my view) for me. We clicked really well and I kept going with the relationship for around 3 years. I was better educated and had a happier family life than he had, and I do think there was both envy and resentment in that for him. He wasn't abusive as such, but I still recall some of his critical remarks many years later. I broke it off in the end - it wasn't because of the comments, but it was very noticeable that my next BF was nothing like that.

Interestingly I met up with the ex not long ago and, while we enjoyed a good chat, I was miffed that he still managed to make critical comments about me when we were reminiscing over past times.

Hard to say here. I'd give him a chance for now, if you like him a lot in other ways. But be on the look out.

Bin him

Maybe it sounded like you were bragging? Especially if it’s out of character for him to do something like this.

Even I kind of rolled my eyes when you mentioned that his uni wasn’t as good as yours.

That was a very catty comment that stems of insecurity.

It's a personality trait that won't change. My exH was that way, made lots of catty comments on the fact I had a better job than him and it really drained me -he'd make me feel stressed if I got a pay rise as he'd pooh pooh it. He'd cause arguments any day I was feeling proud or pleased with some accomplishment. He liked dating me as he felt superior in front of other people having a clever life, but was never really happy FOR me. My current partner has always been very proud and encouraging of me from our first date.

If he can't be pleased and impressed by what many would consider an achievement, then he's seeing himself in competition with you. The same way if he wasn't impressed if someone ran a marathon or started their own business. He has a chip on his shoulder so I would run for the hills. This doesn't change.

Wife, not life

It's a shitty thing to say.

But also you're understandably (and sensibly) sensitive to such comments.

Mark this lone instance as a mistake and an error of judgement on his part. We all mess up sometimes and say/do the wrong thing.

But you're 100% right in pulling him up on it and keeping it in the back of your mind going forward.

Also you are only putting him down in comparison to his comments about you. Not the same thing as he has done at all.

As you can see from this thread there will always be people with a chip on their shoulder about anything anyone is proud of. You could climb Mt Everest and they'd still find a way to minimise it. The trick to a happy life is to surround yourself with people who have a similar view of what constitutes an achievement or requires praise and even if they don't personally agree, would never ever dream of pissing on your parade.

It's notable that all high achieving women- Kamala Harris, sheryl sandberg etc have cited having a partner's support as paramount to a woman's success since it can still be a tough old world out there without many champions. Don't date someone who has already shown you your academic achievements are an issue for him.

I’d agree it sounds more like frustration that you were overly putting yourself down. It IS quite annoying to say things like “I did this really prestigious thing but everyone there was much cleverer than me”. I’m not saying you don’t think that, it’s the kind of thing I say, but I think to other people it can be frustrating!

Maybe his comment was more a reflection on everyone there than specifically about you? As in, “it’s only a post grad, it’s not the workplace or life overall, you may feel those people were better than you but it doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things”.

The fact you made that comment at all makes me thing you feel it was incongruous you being at Oxford at all, which in turn suggests you are unsure as to your “correct place” intellectually, and therefore over-sensitive.

Only you can know… although from the remaining context you give this is not in keeping with the way he regards you.

What do you think he meant by ‘only a postgrad’?

Does he mean that doing your undergrad degree at Oxford was clever but a postgrad wasn’t? Is he saying that it’s easier to get on a postgrad course there?

I don’t really understand.

He sounds insecure and jealous and his way of dealing with it is trying to put you down.
Those are traits of an abusive person and a possible misogynist as well (a man who feels threatened by a woman’s intelligence, very likely feels triggered because of what in his eyes is supposed to be the weaker sex).
I hope that in a few years from now on, you don’t have to look back at this moment and say that this was the first sign of his real character.

I don’t really understand the OP.

What difference does it make that it was Oxford? Universities are generally full of intelligent people.

Does he have a degree? Did he feel awkward to hear that you were in a group of “great minds”? I’ve got an MA and that’s a bit twee.

Do you go on about it a lot? It was 10 years ago, not something you’re working towards currently.

I don’t understand the comment about librarians finding things/doing half the work. I don’t think I had a conversation with a librarian in 5 years there!

I can't imagine subbing the achievements of someone I really care about.

Even if for example they play hockey at a local level and win something...if it feels like winning the Olympics to them then I am all over it!!

It wouldn't even cross my mind that it's "only" local...

Keep an eye on this OP

Your post makes it sound as if you think you're more accomplished than him because you went to Oxford and he didn't. I doubt you've made it as clear to him as you have here, but he could still be picking up on it.
E.g. if you said something along the lines of "Oh when I was at Oxford and everyone around me was so intelligent and I learned so much from them..." This does sound quite annoying and braggy.

@SpidersAreShitheads

I agree with a lot of what *@NiceGerbil* said.

I can only go by how you come across on this thread but you seem slightly hung up on the fact that you attended Oxford and how this reflects on your intelligence. I've read all your comments, and it almost sounds like a stealth brag - even if you don't realise it. Likewise, you have commented what you REALLY think of his degree - you've sneered at it in your OP. So maybe this attitude translated into the phone conversation - and maybe this isn't the first time he's had to hear it? You don't seem to have much insight into how you might have sounded, or how you're holding him to a higher standard than yourself - and to be this outraged over a single stupid comment is quite excessive too.

For balance, his comment was stupid and unnecessarily rude. Maybe he was deliberately trying to dismiss your achievements, in which case it would be a real concern - or maybe it was just a snarky comment because he sensed your attitude.

Maybe it's a case of both thinking a little more about what you say before you speak?

God I hate seeing women gaslighting other women into thinking that they're overreacting to disrespect from men.

How is OP coming across as bragging about going to Oxford? She has clearly stated the context in which this came up and even said that she was the least intelligent in her class. Do you think that women should never mention their accomplishments? It's such a sexist cliche that women are seen to be 'bragging' when they do anything other than completely self-deprecate themselves.

OP what he said was disrespectful, plain and simple. I would never make a comment like that to a friend, would you? You also say that after you called him out on his disrespect he accused you of 'taking it the wrong way', another classic sign of negging/manipulation.

You are allowed to be proud of what you accomplished at Oxford. You don't need to self-deprecate yourself to appease your boyfriend, or random people on MN.

also this is hilarious: You don't seem to have much insight into how you might have sounded

So a random person on the internet thinks they have more insight into how OP sounded than OP, who was actually involved in the conversation? Right. You are making huge assumptions about the OP here that are completely unfounded. I agree with a PP that some posters seem to have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to discussing higher education.

He knew what he was saying and the objective was to diminish you.

Fuck that.

And he gaslighted you afterwards by denying the truth.

The only redeemable reply would be for him to say, shit, sorry, it’s just I feel down on myself when I think of you going to Oxford because of my own insecurities.

I think this is a dumpable offence.

I think you are both victims of a self-perpetuating hierarchical educational system that's obsessed with competitiveness of entry as a criterion to judge the merit of courses and exaggerates the differences among institutions and among courses (eg undergrad v postgrad) within an institution on that basis.

The fact is that you have both enjoyed the benefits of being educated to a high level in a developed country. Perceived differences are down to what Freud called the narcissism of minor differences.

Thing is though. For those of us that did go to Oxbridge, unless we're politicians, most people are really touchy about it. I've spent my whole adult life being both proud and embarrassed about it. I can't just make a throw away comment about university - which is a big part of your life - because I have to think about whether people will think that I'm bragging or being arrogant or showing off.

Whereas anyone else can talk about when they were in Manchester or Bristol or their mates from Sheffield or whatever and no-one rolls their eyes or judges them for it.

I got into Cambridge on merit. I was the first person in my family to go to any university. Damn right I'm proud of it. It's a huge achievement to be accepted and get a good degree from there.

My goodness there’s a few chips on shoulders in this thread about degrees!

You got a Masters from Oxford. It’s clearly a higher academic achievement than a first degree from the university of Hertfordshire and he’s got an issue with it. It threatens his ego. And now you won’t mention it any more because look what happens when you do.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming you are absolutely right.

Hertfordshire has a University?