Stay at home mums - how much do you live on?

[JC2021]

Just intrigued as to what other SAHM use in terms of money?

My husband is the earner and we have a joint account - I get what I need our son and for the house but rarely spend anything on myself, am literally bottom of the pile it feels.. when I do spend on myself I feel my husbands eyebrows raise slightly.

I need a new phone (mine is cracked and very old!) a new winter coat (I have a few
but are years old and really fancy a new one) and would like a bit of me/pamper time..

I'm not a big spender and never have been but really feel I bloody deserve a few nice things!!!

I don't have any of my own money per say so it would be our joint money..

@Hope54321 interested to hear more about your situation- does your DP pay for anything for your DC? What will you do when you have no savings? Asking as we are planning how to organise money after DC1 arrives soon-ish & up until now DH has paid all bills etc and my money has been ‘mine’ so fairly similar to you I think! So wondering how it’s working out for you. I am worried I will resent him not paying for DC! X

@billy1966 thank you I totally agree!!

@youvegottenminuteslynn I do agree with what you've said here

OP I would definitely say go for it regarding getting a job. Even if it's part-time or a stepping stone onto something else I think you'll find it really good for your self esteem.

I was a SAHM for 6 years and although I had my own account with a monthly allowance in it, I'm much happier now I'm back at work and earning my own money. Financially I didn't need to as my DH is a very high earner but for my own security and self-esteem it was the right decision. Of course there are times that it's more stressful but knowing that I could be self sufficient if required is really reassuring.

@JC2021
Why don't you get a job to have some of your own money? Even a little part time job
I'd hate to have to ask for anything

Possibly because her earnings would be less then the childcare she would have to then put in place?

You need money going into your private account (similar to what he spends on his credit card!) and you save / spend that exactly as you see fit. agree a monthly amount which is YOURS for treating yourself to your stuff.

Possibly because her earnings would be less then the childcare she would have to then put in place?

Why is childcare her responsibility? Why isn’t it considered a joint expense? Both their salaries combined will more than cover any childcare.

In the long term when you consider pension contributions, staying in the job market, incremental raises, possible promotion or upskilling, then her earning potential will far exceed any childcare expenses.

When I was a sahm my husband used to give me £600 a month.
Out of that I paid for my phone, car insurance, petrol, about £100 of food because it was always me going to the shop to get stuff we needed on top of the main shop and anything for our two dc in terms of clothes etc. Although he always got shoes.
It didn’t leave a lot over. The dc’s school is a 10 mile round trip so I was doing 20 miles a day just on that and spending a fair amount on petrol consequently.
I suppose it left maybe £200 a month? But I also used to have the dc on my own at the weekend and so would take them places which had to come out of that.
My husband earns £150k plus.
I’ve gone back to work now. I’m still significantly less well off than him but I have a lot more money than I did.

Is really like someone to clarify things like there pension as a stay at home mum?

This has caught my eye as a few of you have said I should have a personal/private one that I pay into from joint account? Or you mean I pay into when I get a job?

I will set up a private pension it's a great idea land I need to start protecting myself financially too.

@Nomoreusernames1244

Possibly because her earnings would be less then the childcare she would have to then put in place?

Why is childcare her responsibility? Why isn’t it considered a joint expense? Both their salaries combined will more than cover any childcare.

In the long term when you consider pension contributions, staying in the job market, incremental raises, possible promotion or upskilling, then her earning potential will far exceed any childcare expenses.

No, course it isn’t only OP’s responsibility…the point is that it is perfectly possible that when they jointly cover the cost of the childcare needed - at least in the near term - that cost may not be fully covered by OPs new earnings. Resulting in a joint reduction in household income which is difficult for many families.

Going out to work, so spending less time with your children, while producing an immediate reduction in household income is bit of a double whammy for families who don’t have a lot of wiggle room at the end of the month.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

'A decent bloke (or woman) would have discussed all this with you if they didn't think you understood the long term implications which I'm not sure you do, to ensure you're comfortable / provided for / secure.'

What do you mean here?

In terms of us setting up a private pension for me? Tax contributions?

Secure together or alone?

I think what that poster was trying to say is that you seem quite naive about the legal and financial position you’re putting yourself in while your husband is clearly white savvy. A good bloke in that position would talk to you, help you work out together how to mitigate those risks to you. But your husband seems quite ok with you being a bit clueless and naive (sorry if that sounds rude) about things like pension provision. It just makes us wonder why he isn’t more keen to look out for your interests by doing things like ensuring you have your own pension set up. Of course you should be the one taking responsibility for those issues but if he is generally the leader on all matters financial, a good person would proactively help you address it as part of your overall family planning.

So definitely pension provision, possibly also ensuring some of the marital assets are in your name and accessible to you - things like that. And definitely the child benefit claiming to ensure NI contributions!!

Ultimately he has shown he won’t address these things so you need to.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I think what that poster was trying to say is that you seem quite naive about the legal and financial position you’re putting yourself in while your husband is clearly white savvy. A good bloke in that position would talk to you, help you work out together how to mitigate those risks to you. But your husband seems quite ok with you being a bit clueless and naive (sorry if that sounds rude) about things like pension provision. It just makes us wonder why he isn’t more keen to look out for your interests by doing things like ensuring you have your own pension set up. Of course you should be the one taking responsibility for those issues but if he is generally the leader on all matters financial, a good person would proactively help you address it as part of your overall family planning.

Exactly this.

I’m a SAHM, DH is a high earner, the kind of job that means he works long days with frequent travel (in normal times).

All our money is shared money, and I don’t see how it would work if it wasn’t. We are very much of a ‘team’ mentality, and he feels that what I do inside the home is of equal importance to what he does out of it.

I manage all aspects of the household, including money stuff (savings, pensions, budgets etc), to the extent that I don’t even think he knows his own online banking passwords!

I don’t buy things frivolously, but if I needed/wanted a new coat and we had money for it then I wouldn’t feel bad about buying it, and neither would he.

OP you've had loads of good advice on this thread.

I'm sorry but this is why I would never be an SAHM, it sounds like my worst nightmare (in terms of living/earning arrangements). It's not that I don't trust my DH, but in years gone by I've heard his dad make comments to his mum about how she spends "his" money and I do worry that that's the example he's been set.

It is a good idea to think about getting a job, but not necessarily so that you have money to spend on yourself - you should both be contributing to the family pot.

We give ourselves an allowance from joint funds to be spent on things that are purely for ourselves, like clothes etc. This is currently £275 a month and our net income is much higher than yours, so I would think £250-£300 seems a bit high, but obviously it depends on your outgoings. I think you should talk to your husband about doing this though.

Ideally you should both get the same, and his reaction may speak volumes, as he's obviously used to spending whatever he wants on things that are just for him. You could then ask him why he thinks you deserve less (if he reacts badly) and if he says it's because he earns all the money then I'm sorry, but I think you've got yourself a crap husband there. Surely it's better to have all this out in the open though, so you can decide a way forward where you're not being taken advantage of.

So we have just had a conversation about starting a private pension for me:

His response was that I should be "focused on earning money, as I won't have anything to contribute right now"

He has said we will look into the best one for me when I have 'something to contribute'

Basically wants me to get a job and pay into it from the earnings

Thoughts?

@JC2021

So we have just had a conversation about starting a private pension for me:

His response was that I should be "focused on earning money, as I won't have anything to contribute right now"

He has said we will look into the best one for me when I have 'something to contribute'

Basically wants me to get a job and pay into it from the earnings

Thoughts?

I think he’s indicating that he’d like you to start contributing financially and no longer wants to carry the whole burden on his shoulders. Which is fair enough. Working and earning is good for your own security as well. Time to have another conversation about the logistics of childcare and splitting the load.

He’s telling you loud and clear that he sees the money he earns as his and his alone and that your contribution to the family as a SAHM is not valued by him.

It’s now up to you what you do with that information.

I asked before but I don’t think you answered - whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM and what was agreed at the time in terms of family finances? If he never wanted you to be a SAHM and wanted to share the financial load (plus of course the domestic responsibilities although they often conveniently forget that part..) then I can sort of sympathise with his viewpoint. But if you made this decision together with his support and encouragement then he’s being spectacularly unfair.

In your position I would take every step possible to get back to work full time and ensure that he knows he will be responsible for 50% of the childcare bill, pick ups, sickness cover and all domestic chores. If he doesn’t step up to that I would take steps to divorce because he is actively impeding you succeeding in life as either a working parent or SAHP.

He also proceeded to ask "how come you are asking about pensions now?"

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Thank you - I agree with every word here

Also I must say thank you to everyone's input on here. I honestly have no support or guidance or anyone astute (except for husband) around me - I am naive with finances absolutely So to have a community on here who can offer real valuable advice, it's truly so helpful and to be honest clarifies what I have been feeling for quite some time.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

He’s telling you loud and clear that he sees the money he earns as his and his alone and that your contribution to the family as a SAHM is not valued by him.

It’s now up to you what you do with that information.

I asked before but I don’t think you answered - whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM and what was agreed at the time in terms of family finances? If he never wanted you to be a SAHM and wanted to share the financial load (plus of course the domestic responsibilities although they often conveniently forget that part..) then I can sort of sympathise with his viewpoint. But if you made this decision together with his support and encouragement then he’s being spectacularly unfair.

In your position I would take every step possible to get back to work full time and ensure that he knows he will be responsible for 50% of the childcare bill, pick ups, sickness cover and all domestic chores. If he doesn’t step up to that I would take steps to divorce because he is actively impeding you succeeding in life as either a working parent or SAHP.

Wise words here OP.

Do you think you've been sleepwalking into this situation a bit and now you're waking up to how financially vulnerable you are?

As I said, a good partner wouldn't want you to feel that way. They'd want to approach this as a team which it doesn't feel like he's doing at all.

I actually don't think £4K as a single income is a lot a support a family and then provide the STAHP £300 a month in "spending" money and Then pay into a pension for you but then again I'm the main earner in my marriage and refused to allow DH to be a STAHD

Think a lot of this is more about his beliefs about money/earning/saving/spending than about how he values you.

However if you are a SAHP for a long time without separate income you become more reliant/vulnerable over time.

He needs to realise a bit more that parenting is work and is your contribution to the marriage system or you will be expected to cough up for the childcare when you do work

I don’t quite understand what he means when he says you should focus on earnings as you won’t have anything to contribute. If you get a PT job you can start contributing to a pension. You don’t need to be earning £10ksin order to contribute. What plan does he have for when your both at retirement age? What are you going to live on? How is he planning on paying off mortgages/loans and how much income is he expecting? Because of how he has accepted things ie you being SAHP and him doing all the earning then he has a responsibility to deal with these things for both of you. If he doesn’t want you going out to work then he needs to provide for you and that includes your retirement. If he’s not prepared to do that then you need a job and he needs to do more of your current jobs as you will not be able to do 100% of the child/house work.

Get on the Internet and get informed…information is your friend! Money Saving Expert is a great website and there will be plenty of websites where you can find out what you need to know. You could even start a threa here asking what sort of information you should know. You have a right to know things about your finances. The fact the things are in his sole name doesn’t really matter as you’re married. Think about what you’ve been unable to do because you’ve been providing child/house care. What position would you be in if you weren’t married and didn’t have children?

Sort out your child benefit payments. Claim it and decline the payment.