Stay at home mums - how much do you live on?

[JC2021]

Just intrigued as to what other SAHM use in terms of money?

My husband is the earner and we have a joint account - I get what I need our son and for the house but rarely spend anything on myself, am literally bottom of the pile it feels.. when I do spend on myself I feel my husbands eyebrows raise slightly.

I need a new phone (mine is cracked and very old!) a new winter coat (I have a few
but are years old and really fancy a new one) and would like a bit of me/pamper time..

I'm not a big spender and never have been but really feel I bloody deserve a few nice things!!!

I don't have any of my own money per say so it would be our joint money..

@pog100 I totally agree with you and coming on here makes me realise it more and more :/

but I don't and neither have we ever spoke about him starting one for me or paying into one for me... ?

Nothing to do with him. You start a pension and agree an amount to pay into from your joint income. Ask him what he pays into his…

If he doesn’t agree I’d rethink your sahm options.

I think deep down my husband resents my lack of earnings and income as I've never had a stable long term career or job and he has and now I'm SAHM I think this adds to his feelings of carrying me, so to speak..

I've worked yes but not a good career or long term job unfortunately I just didn't find my 'thing' and hopped around a fair bit job to job.. he sometimes refers to me as being 'bit of a hippy ✌️'

I am a stay at home mum, and i have access to all of my husbands income. my husband has never viewed his income and just his, it's always been ours. If i need to get something for myself i get it. if he needs to get something he gets it.

When I was a SAHM we had a joint account for all the household bills etc then I had my account and DH would transfer a set amount into it every payday. It would have money for the DCs clubs/outings/clothes then money for me and money for like general household things like top up shops. We always sat down on payday and he would ask me what I needed money for if there was anything big coming up or we would be looking at holidays or Christmas that sort of thing.

The thing he never ever did was make me feel like a little woman getting pin money. I had said if he ever made me feel like that I’d go back to work. He said he was much happier at work knowing the DCs were with me. We joked it was my wages and if I ran out I could always ask for more.

Now I’m back working I put a set amount into the savings and keep the rest it’s good in that we have never relied on me earning.

In your shoes, I can see why you’d be reluctant to start paying for nursery a few months away from his free hours.
Personally, if it were me, I’d get a Saturday job so your dh can have ds on his day off.
Then you will make a little bit of money but at least you can decide what to spend it on! Good luck

The problem is, you don’t discuss and have transparency to the finances.

I was aware of all of our savings, outgoings etc. We discussed and agreed all bigger purchases and I could spend freely. Now I’m part time, we still do. But we are both fairly careful with money.

Oh OP. You need to stop talking about HIS money, HIS savings etc. It is your joint money/savings. I could never live like this. Buy the coat and the phone. Advise him that you will be spending money on things you need and you will not be asking for permission. At the moment your contribution is looking after your son and I’m guessing you do everything in the house too. You shouldn’t have to work yourself up to asking to buy a bloody coat. F that! If the 4K is his monthly salary or is this the amount he pays into the joint account? I think he potentially earns more than that. If your mortgage is 1600 leaving 2400 left. Surely there is some money after bills and food to buy the stuff you need? If not I think you need a frank discussion with him about your joint income and how you will be accessing it moving forward. I’d never agree to a pre paid card. Totally unacceptable unless you’re 12 or had/have some terrible gambling problem. From this can I take it that you don’t actually have access to your ‘joint’ account. As if you did I don’t understand why you would get a prepaid card. Knock this on the head. Your husband sounds super controlling and you are going along with it somehow thinking you are inferior to him because he has a career. Who made him the boss? Why should you have to go cap in hand to him. That must make you feel shit. He should come and live in this house for a week. I buy clothes/shoes/bags/beauty products/housey things regularly. I earn more than my husband but I def spend more. He doesn’t bat an eyelid. We are equals regardless of who earns what. I know it’s hard if it’s been like this for some time but you need to get in a more equal footing and be able to buy yourself things without fearing that it will be frowned upon. He doesn’t seem to mind spending on things for himself eg kitting out his office. Get yourself that coat and make sure it’s a good one!

It does sound like your husband is a bit financially controlling. He's obviously good with money (and tight/thrifty). And he's forcing you to do the same by being awkward about you spending. It sounds like long term he has a plan to keep you all on a solid financial footing, but you don't seem to have any input into this plan.

As you're married his savings/investments/BTL etc are joint marital assets (regardless of who's name is on the accounts). Whilst it's not correct that half his money is yours (at least, not until you divorce), when you marry someone you become a single legal entity, so all assets (and liabilities) are effectively joint and several.

You said before that the other 2k (after the mortgage) was for household bills, food etc, but presumably that's actually 2.4k since the mortgage is 1600? That does sound rather a lot to pay for regular household expenses for a family of 3? Is there no way you can apportion some if that for your own personal expenses?

My own net income is about 2k in total, and that covers all my monthly expenses including the mortgage (obviously a lot less than yours, but still). And I've got 3 school age kids to sustain out of that. I don't live extravagantly, but my kids don't want for anything either.

How old is your son? Anywhere near pre school age - that'll give you opportunity to get back to work part time. Or are you planning to have more kids?

He’s financially controlling. My ex was like this and I felt bad as I wasn’t earning. In reality I was looking after our disabled child and he was being miserly and selfish. Like your DH.

You can try just ignoring him. Buy a new phone and coat. Buy what you want and need. Don’t ask him.

If he escalates his displeasure, seek advice from womens aid. Look up financial control and decide if this is going to get better or if this is going to be how you always feel. It will wreck your marriage being treated like this.

Each time you say he has this money or he has this investment I want to shout "it's not he, it's we!"

Whose idea was it that you would be a SAHM and what was agreed about finances at the time?

I'm on mat leave so staying home with baby at the moment and dh earning almost all our money,

We worked out what was coming in from maternity pay and his wage, then all the outgoings (including my car payment and his etc) after putting what we wanted into savings and pensions the outstanding is £600 so we both get £300 to spend on our individual petrol/ fun spends

Sahm with DH working here. Has been the arrangement more or less for our whole marriage.
The answer is ‘what’s in the bank account’. In honesty most of the household income goes on what the kids need and bills, but we have savings and ‘pots’ (YNAB) for everything you can think of. DH doesn’t spend much and has always viewed the income as the families budget, and in fact couldn’t generally be less interested in our finances.
It wouldn’t work for us if there was a ‘mine and yours’ attitude and pre paid cards, what the actual fuck. I give my teenagers those.

But he is only able to earn his wage because you are providing child care.
Makes you both equal in my books.
You should get the same as him.

I love how only on Mumsnet it’s only accepted that you should have free access to your husband’s salary otherwise it’s LTB.

When I was a SAHM I was given enough money for food, kids, etc but we still had to budget and I couldn’t go spending willy nilly on anything I’d like.

Now that I’m working I spend my own money on personal items. I have my own money and husband has his, plus joint accounts and strict budget/spreadsheets. Husband pays all the bills.

This may raise eyebrows with some but I don’t care and it works for us. No way would I ever rely on a man to “keep” me.

I have been a SAHM for over 15 years.

First thing you need to do is to tell him you need a new phone and would like a new winter coat. You also need a full and frank conversation about money. You are not a child and are an equal partner in a marriage. There needs to be transparency especially as you are financially dependent on him. This means everything, investments, savings, the lot.

Secondly, use this time to work out if you want to retrain job wise. Look at your local colleges and university (they often have a mature student life learning type department) look at gaining some skills/qualifications. Look at volunteering somewhere too again to develop and be able to put it on a CV for the future.

Claim child benefit, yes it will have to be paid back but you get your NI contribution paid.

If your mortgage is about to paid in full then that frees up a large chunk of money every month doesn't it? This will also help with the finances talk, what are the plans for that money short and long term? You have been together a long time, he must feel he can trust you, I mean you did have a baby together.

The way it works for us, we have a joint credit card and anything we can buy on that we do as it is a rewards card. I do the vast majority of the spending for the children, clothing, shoes, uniform, plus the food shopping etc. Every month it is paid off automatically in full. I am not and have never been a frivolous spender, Dh knows this. We have had the joint credit card for over 20 years. I have full access to the joint account and I have more savings/investments in my own name than Dh does.

We have regular talks about money and what we are planning to spend and on what. There are no raised eyebrows when I spend anything on myself. And as this is in relationships and no doubt someone will say I could never be financially reliant on another person, I used to have that feeling too, but then my disability was diagnosed and working became very difficult.

@SallyDoTheDishes

I have been a SAHM for over 15 years.

First thing you need to do is to tell him you need a new phone and would like a new winter coat. You also need a full and frank conversation about money. You are not a child and are an equal partner in a marriage. There needs to be transparency especially as you are financially dependent on him. This means everything, investments, savings, the lot.

Secondly, use this time to work out if you want to retrain job wise. Look at your local colleges and university (they often have a mature student life learning type department) look at gaining some skills/qualifications. Look at volunteering somewhere too again to develop and be able to put it on a CV for the future.

Claim child benefit, yes it will have to be paid back but you get your NI contribution paid.

If your mortgage is about to paid in full then that frees up a large chunk of money every month doesn't it? This will also help with the finances talk, what are the plans for that money short and long term? You have been together a long time, he must feel he can trust you, I mean you did have a baby together.

The way it works for us, we have a joint credit card and anything we can buy on that we do as it is a rewards card. I do the vast majority of the spending for the children, clothing, shoes, uniform, plus the food shopping etc. Every month it is paid off automatically in full. I am not and have never been a frivolous spender, Dh knows this. We have had the joint credit card for over 20 years. I have full access to the joint account and I have more savings/investments in my own name than Dh does.

We have regular talks about money and what we are planning to spend and on what. There are no raised eyebrows when I spend anything on myself. And as this is in relationships and no doubt someone will say I could never be financially reliant on another person, I used to have that feeling too, but then my disability was diagnosed and working became very difficult.

Very sensible advice!

As a fellow SAHP, I would be very wary about your situation OP.

As you will see on this thread, people have vastly different views about SAHPs and the value they add to a family. Some view them as a vital part of the family and a key part of their approach towards raising children, others view them as almost a parasite that effectively financially leeches of their partner. The difference of opinion can be absolutely massive and in my experience very few people will change their minds about this matter as it's so rooted in fundamental values and priorities.

Whilst it doesn't really matter what a bunch of posters on MN think, it is absolutely vital if you are a SAHP that your DH values your contribution and treats you accordingly. This includes making sure you have equal access to finances and are equally involved in joint decision making when it comes to fiscal management of the household. If he is unwilling to allow this then it is indicative of the fact that he fundamentally does not see you as an equal and he believes that he is superior because he is the breadwinner. For me, an imbalance in power and control like this is in a relationship would be terminal and I would be looking to leave if he would not change, but at the very least I would absolutely not be a SAHP in these circumstances.

He does not value you as a SAHP, his actions and attitude towards money tell you this. You are not viewed as an equal partner or a joint teammate. He has his own resources that he is squirreling away whilst you are left feeling like you have virtually no rights to buy yourself anything that isn't an absolute essential. This isn't how you treat someone you love an respect! I would really think long and hard OP about next steps.

I have always worked things out so that whoever earned what was totalled. Bills, shared living expenses, any child related costs and savings contributions came off. Then we extracted equal pin money. The pin money was managed from our own accounts. If he wanted to pee it up the wall on football or beer-no arguments-its his. If i wanted to spend it on shoes-same. The amount we both had varied on our financial situation at the time. Sometimes as much as 700. Sometimes as low as £100.

This is why my partner and I have separate finances and I we both have jobs. We both pay the bills but after that my money is mine to do whatever I want with. No one will tell me what to do with money I've earned.

[quote Daisyxo]@CinderFuckingRe11a
It does feel a bit like getting pocket money sometimes[/quote]
I thought this too when I read your post. This is what I do for my 13/15 yr old children

@user1471543683

This is why my partner and I have separate finances and I we both have jobs. We both pay the bills but after that my money is mine to do whatever I want with. No one will tell me what to do with money I've earned.

Yes, me and my exh did this too - we had a joint account for household expenses that we both paid a proportionate amount of our wages into and the rest was ours in our own accounts to use as we wanted. My ex earned more than me so if we went out together/as a family, he would usually pay. Worked out fine for us.

AFter my marriage ending suddenly following an affair, the thought of being a SAHM scares the life out of me. I only managed because I have a job and money of my own.

OP,

I absolutely think you are being financially mistreated and he IS controlling.

Yours is not a respectful relationship.

If I were you I would look for a weekend/evening job and take a hard look at your relationship.

I certainly wouldn't dream of having a second child.

How long are you married?

You are not a team in any sense of the word if your husband believes you looking after your child is carrying you.

Organise childcare from the joint pot and go back to work.

Who cares what it costs, you tell your husband you no longer accept his controlling all monies.

You would be well advised to have copies of ALL financials put away safely should his controlling nature become too much.

Healthy marriages aren't all "he has".

Was he not part of the decision to stay at home?

Just to say that with child benefit you don't have to repay it to claim. You can register and then tick the box to say "don't actually pay it to me", then you get your years.