Page 10 | Stay at home mums - how much do you live on?

JC2021 · 2021-10-06T20:03:39+00:00

Just intrigued as to what other SAHM use in terms of money? My husband is the earner and we have a joint account - I get what I need our son and for the house but rarely spend anything on myself, am literally bottom of the pile it feels.. when I do spend on myself I feel my husbands eyebrows raise slightly. I need a new phone (mine is cracked and very old!) a new winter coat (I have a few but are years old and really fancy a new one) and would like a bit of me/pamper time.. I'm not a big spender and never have been but really feel I bloody deserve a few nice things!!! I don't have any of my own money per say so it would be our joint money..

Lolapusht · 08/10/2021 11:07

@Squashedkoosh

When I was a sahm my husband used to give me £600 a month. Out of that I paid for my phone, car insurance, petrol, about £100 of food because it was always me going to the shop to get stuff we needed on top of the main shop and anything for our two dc in terms of clothes etc. Although he always got shoes. It didn’t leave a lot over. The dc’s school is a 10 mile round trip so I was doing 20 miles a day just on that and spending a fair amount on petrol consequently. I suppose it left maybe £200 a month? But I also used to have the dc on my own at the weekend and so would take them places which had to come out of that. My husband earns £150k plus. I’ve gone back to work now. I’m still significantly less well off than him but I have a lot more money than I did.

Are you happy with how things are worked out? Does he do family things or his share of housework etc? I just can’t understand why there are so many men earning a shit ton of money who think it’s acceptable to basically keep it for themselves and toss a few hundred to their OH.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 08/10/2021 12:34

I actually don't think £4K as a single income is a lot a support a family and then provide the STAHP £300 a month in "spending" money and Then pay into a pension for you but then again I'm the main earner in my marriage and refused to allow DH to be a STAHD

4k net income is plenty to live on and pay into savings vehicles and pensions, with enough disposable left over.

It’s way higher than average, and why does it matter if it comes from one source or two?

tigerbreadandtea · 08/10/2021 12:36

SAHM should have full access to money not be given an allowance how awful

Comedycook · 08/10/2021 12:40

@Squashedkoosh

When I was a sahm my husband used to give me £600 a month. Out of that I paid for my phone, car insurance, petrol, about £100 of food because it was always me going to the shop to get stuff we needed on top of the main shop and anything for our two dc in terms of clothes etc. Although he always got shoes. It didn’t leave a lot over. The dc’s school is a 10 mile round trip so I was doing 20 miles a day just on that and spending a fair amount on petrol consequently. I suppose it left maybe £200 a month? But I also used to have the dc on my own at the weekend and so would take them places which had to come out of that. My husband earns £150k plus. I’ve gone back to work now. I’m still significantly less well off than him but I have a lot more money than I did.

That is disgusting.

louisacat · 08/10/2021 12:43

We have a joint account and each buy what and when we need things. I think of it as my money as much as it is his as I am caring for the children. We both keep an eye on the balance and discuss before making any big purchases but I would get a new coat if I needed one.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/10/2021 12:44

@Squashedkoosh

Your husband wanted you to be a SAHM, he was on £150k a year and left you with about £200 to spend on yourself a month? He sounds absolutely horrible.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/10/2021 13:38

Agree with PPs re @Squashedkoosh situation. It’s astounding you have stayed with him-sounds like neither he or you have much respect for you How can you bear to share your life, sleep with, cuddle up to someone who behaves like that towards you?!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/10/2021 13:47

It means that he was willing for you to have less than 3% of the family's monthly take home income for personal spends when you were a SAHM @Squashedkoosh 😞

Really glad you're back at work now and hopefully gaining financial independence. I couldn't share a home or bed with someone who had had so little respect for me at a vulnerable time though.

Cruiser11 · 08/10/2021 13:50

My DH and I have a joint account. He’s just recently retired so things are slightly different now. He transferred £750 to my account and I also recieved £300 carers allowance. This money was for clothes, taxis, haircut, going out with friends. I never spent anywhere near the whole amount so saved the rest. When he’d receive his bonus he’d transfer a few thousand for me to buy whatever I wanted.

billy1966 · 08/10/2021 15:06

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

He’s telling you loud and clear that he sees the money he earns as his and his alone and that your contribution to the family as a SAHM is not valued by him.

It’s now up to you what you do with that information.

I asked before but I don’t think you answered - whose idea was it for you to be a SAHM and what was agreed at the time in terms of family finances? If he never wanted you to be a SAHM and wanted to share the financial load (plus of course the domestic responsibilities although they often conveniently forget that part..) then I can sort of sympathise with his viewpoint. But if you made this decision together with his support and encouragement then he’s being spectacularly unfair.

In your position I would take every step possible to get back to work full time and ensure that he knows he will be responsible for 50% of the childcare bill, pick ups, sickness cover and all domestic chores. If he doesn’t step up to that I would take steps to divorce because he is actively impeding you succeeding in life as either a working parent or SAHP.

I agree with this.

I think he is looking after his best interests and you need to get back to work asap.

I think it would be helpful to answer on what basis you stayed at home and does he share the parenting and house work load.

If not you are doing it and he certainly doesn't value it.

Original poster

JC2021 · 08/10/2021 15:43

We agreed it made sense for me to be a stay at home mum due to my earning potential and salary at the time.. I wasn't in a career type job - so financially it made sense.

He does cook dinners and help out occasionally at home and with our son - I do need to get him doing more hands on stuff with our son though, for sure.

OP posts:

EntreMummy · 08/10/2021 17:14

@JC2021

We agreed it made sense for me to be a stay at home mum due to my earning potential and salary at the time.. I wasn't in a career type job - so financially it made sense.

He does cook dinners and help out occasionally at home and with our son - I do need to get him doing more hands on stuff with our son though, for sure.

But at that time, when this was agreed, did you sort out that all finances would be joint and that his income would become family income?

Or did he say he would cover bills and food and that was it?

choli · 08/10/2021 17:28

Not saying that this is the case with OP, but I know women who deliberately avoided that conversation in case it would make their partner think twice about the whole sahm situation.

darcybeau · 08/10/2021 17:30

We have a joint account which his salary goes into. We also have separate credit cards. I buy nearly everything on my credit card and pay off the credit card from the joint account.
There's never any checking of what I've spent or on what. I have no idea what I'm spending on me really - not much but I am free to buy what I need. We generally discuss big purchases before making them out of respect. It's all 'our money'.
Husband enjoys keeping a spreadsheet showing how much money we have /expected expenditure coming up so we have an update each month and can adjust spending plans accordingly.
I don't currently pay into a pension (contributions are going to state pension though). I have a small pension from previous job. I am covered by a spousal pension if he dies and we'll split our pensions if we divorce so although not ideal I don't feel it's a disaster.

I think when one person is a stay at home parent you have to move to an 'our money' model. No one should have more money than the other surely?!

Nomoreusernames1244 · 08/10/2021 17:50

and we'll split our pensions if we divorce so although not ideal I don't feel it's a disaster

Many women think this. Then when the reality of divorce hits and suddenly it’s all “his money” and his pensions are his and he doesn’t want to share…

bunny85 · 08/10/2021 18:07

I'm a SAHM, my husband earns all the money but we have a shared account or I simply use his card. I just buy whatever is needed and even if I fancy something that I don't really need, I'd most likely still buy it, although I never abuse it and splash the cash. Would definitely buy a new phone or a coat, in fact he'd most likely suggest doing so himself if he noticed they were due to be replaced. If it's something significant, then I'd discuss with him prior to buying and so would he. We don't see money as his or mine, it's ours.

Cruiser11 · 08/10/2021 18:24

Nomoreusernames1244 he may not want to share but he has to, pensions aren’t a joint asset, same as equity in the house or savings.

Original poster

JC2021 · 08/10/2021 21:03

@Cruiser11 so for a SAHM what do you end up splitting in a divorce in terms of finances? Marital home? Custody of child/ren?

OP posts:

Skatastic · 08/10/2021 21:07

When I was a SAHM (for 5 years) we shared all money coming in equally. I wasn't going mad spending loads on myself or anything but if I wanted to my H wouldn't have minded. I was saving us hundreds and hundreds of pounds a month in childcare.

Now I earn (a lot) more and it works the same way. All money coming in is jointly ours.

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2021 21:12

I’m not a sahp now but when I was I spent what I wanted (as long as we could afford it)

Hope54321 · 08/10/2021 22:19

[quote sjxoxo]@Hope54321 interested to hear more about your situation- does your DP pay for anything for your DC? What will you do when you have no savings? Asking as we are planning how to organise money after DC1 arrives soon-ish & up until now DH has paid all bills etc and my money has been ‘mine’ so fairly similar to you I think! So wondering how it’s working out for you. I am worried I will resent him not paying for DC! X[/quote]
He will definitely pay if I ask, but I don’t feel the need to at the moment as I don’t mind using my own money. I just enjoy not having to ask at the moment. If I ever ask my OH to pay, he will.