Stay at home mums - how much do you live on?

[JC2021]

Just intrigued as to what other SAHM use in terms of money?

My husband is the earner and we have a joint account - I get what I need our son and for the house but rarely spend anything on myself, am literally bottom of the pile it feels.. when I do spend on myself I feel my husbands eyebrows raise slightly.

I need a new phone (mine is cracked and very old!) a new winter coat (I have a few
but are years old and really fancy a new one) and would like a bit of me/pamper time..

I'm not a big spender and never have been but really feel I bloody deserve a few nice things!!!

I don't have any of my own money per say so it would be our joint money..

Unless you are skint as a family and struggling to pay for essentials then of course you should be able to get yourself a new coat, get your hair cut etc.

Why are you bottom of the pile? You need to discuss this with your DH. Is he being off about it or are you feeling bad about it?

There are many ways to contribute towards a household, not just having a job where you get paid.

Get out tomorrow
Buy a new coat
And new phone

[quote yikersvipers]@MiddleParking

Agree. OP says he would never be in debt, but what are these big purchases and how are they paid for after a £2k mortgage payment! [/quote]
You have no idea how much he earns. The OP just gave a rough amount of what goes into their joint account. He could be earning £10k net a month, we have no idea. Stop assuming he's in debt. He's just tight-fisted and doesn't understand how families are supposed to work.

I am the only one working and every month my salary is paid into my personal account, and I pay money into our joint account to cover mortgage, food, utilities and joint expenses, and I pay a fixed amount into DPs personal account so that he can spend it on whatever he wants. I also don't make any purchases for clothes for myself or other things I want from the joint account, that always comes from my personal account.

We chose this arrangement up front so that he can spend money on whatever he wants without having to worry about what I think. Otherwise it might set up a weird power dynamic which would be bad for the relationship.

He's currently looking for work, and if he needs a big purchase that he doesn't have enough in his personal account for, we discuss it. Some months we have more and so it can just come out of the joint account. Some months less, and then we are more careful when we have less.

If you don't need a new coat why waste money if your dh is trying to clear the mortgage in the next few years and does not spend himself if you really needed one I don't think you would get the raised eyebrows tbh

The confusing element to me is how he has saved up so much but then needed help with a deposit, offsetting a mortgage & the fact that any investment income or savings is kept away from you.

You have no idea how much he earns. The OP just gave a rough amount of what goes into their joint account. He could be earning £10k net a month, we have no idea

But if he is earning 10k why only 4k into the joint account?

You should get him to pay a monthly allowance directly into your personal account so that you can spend the money on whatever you like or save when you want to.

That's one way to avoid this feeling of being at the bottom of the pile. Childcare and housework is still "work" and it enables the other partner to do their job with a salary, so you should absolutely get your own money to spend. Your needs should not come last.

@Briony123 OP said 4K

His take home pay is 4K a month.

That’s what OP meant when she said 4K goes into the account - that’s his wage.

*@Daisyxo no we have £4K coming in a month...

8k, if only! 😂*

This suggests 4K is it for them.

We tried an allowance before and I kept running out and having to ask for more - it was awkward and created a massive power / weird balance..

It was £1000 a month but that was to cover food/baby and me - pretty similar to now tbh

10k for your dc in 3 yrs is quite a chunk of savings each month, does that come out of the 4k?

@buttermutt no he invested a small amount when he was born and it's grown in value - nothing added per month.. I've seen it grow too.. he invests to make more money, it's not all just salary

I would say 1k a month for baby, food & you is quite low but then where can he get more money from?

Well I would like to know what investment vehicle returned such an amazing return so quickly & most investments do need topping up each month....

@JC2021

We tried an allowance before and I kept running out and having to ask for more - it was awkward and created a massive power / weird balance..

It was £1000 a month but that was to cover food/baby and me - pretty similar to now tbh

Sorry to hear that the allowance didn't work for you and made it worse

I would never consider something like money for the baby to come out of a personal account! Children are a joint expense!

I meant an allowance for things like clothes, electronics, haircuts, extra takeaway.. anything that is only for you and is not essential, that you could do without on a slim month. Things for the baby definitely don't fall into that category!** All childcare expenses, getting on the bus etc are joint in my opinion.

This is financial abuse.

You have a right to half of his income.

You are providing a service worth thousands a month!

I'm a sahm, all money goes into the joint account and is "family money". Bills come out and we budget roughly for food shop every month and things that DD may need then the rest is there to spend as and when we need to. If I need something I buy it, obviously we speak to each other before we spend but if the money is there for it then that's fine.

Why has he not invested in the same vehicle for a pension for you?

So what’s your food bill? £100 a week? What about money for your son?
Like I said before, you need to work out your actual outgoings before you can decide how much you can afford to spend.
It’s probably going to be around £100 pw.

Does he have a pension himself?

@JC2021

And I wonder what allowance would be reasonable considering there's £1k left over?

£250 - 300 a month?

The income and the way it’s split is very similar to mine OP. Can I ask, does your food need to come out of the remaining £1k? Or is that included in the bills part? We have around £1k left but that’s for food too. Seems to run out pretty quick so neither of us really treat ourselves at the moment.

It's very instructive that you keep saying "he" has another property, "he" saves for our child, "he" makes investments where in any normal marriage, despite what bluntness100 says, people consider themselves part of a joint venture and would automatically say "we" have a rental property etc. Something really stinks in your relationship and you need to wake up and demand fundamental changes.

Yes he does have a pension himself one via his job that he pays and they contribute.. it's good.. but I don't and neither have we ever spoke about him starting one for me or paying into one for me... ?