Stay at home mums - how much do you live on?

[JC2021]

Just intrigued as to what other SAHM use in terms of money?

My husband is the earner and we have a joint account - I get what I need our son and for the house but rarely spend anything on myself, am literally bottom of the pile it feels.. when I do spend on myself I feel my husbands eyebrows raise slightly.

I need a new phone (mine is cracked and very old!) a new winter coat (I have a few
but are years old and really fancy a new one) and would like a bit of me/pamper time..

I'm not a big spender and never have been but really feel I bloody deserve a few nice things!!!

I don't have any of my own money per say so it would be our joint money..

An adult having to go and ask for a new phone or a winter coat like a schoolchild. That's a grim way to live. Even not having to ask is no way for an adult to live for the long term. And never for a second forget the access to this money can be cut off in an instant. People need to stop drifting along with this all money is ours mantra. It really really is not. Legally speaking. Which is all that matters when push comes to shove.

Nah loving the drip feed that you never ever held down a job for long so mouched off him, however if his net income is 4k 1.6k is mortgage, 1k bills thats 1.4k for food clothes for the 3 of you so say 600 max for food nappies ect that leave you all £800 this would be used to buy all 3 of you needed clothes, days out, savings ect, but unless you break it down and work it out properly uou won't know, I also don't believe he is being financially abusive sounds like his head is screwed on and does not want money wasted on stuff not needed as you said yourself he does not buy for himself either

OP, it is abundantly clear that you need to get back into paid employment. It doesn’t matter that it won’t be in the league of your DH, just get back into work and go from there. You’re incredibly vulnerable and it’s no way to live.

As a sahm, I couldn't live a life where I had to ask to buy things.
We have joint money. Yes my dh is the one who goes to work for it, but once it's in an account that is ours. He made it clear from day on when we made the joint decision for me to be a sahm that it would never be his money but family money. I have full access to all his accounts, just as he does mine.
You are not a partnership.

Why do people take the attitude that money for the kids and food shopping is part of a SAHM’s ‘allowance rather than an element of the regular bills? Surely paying for your child and the food you eat is daily living expenses for the whole family in the same way paying a mortgage or gas bill is?

OP just say, I need a new coat, I thought £150 would be a reasonable budget, what do you think? If he says anything, YOU raise an eyebrow at him. Put your foot down but do think about either going back to work or at lease moving towards it (studying online maybe).

@Daisyxo I saw your own thread but I don’t think I posted on it. I am a bit sad for you. You are being taken advantage of.

When I was unemployed and at home with babies I lived on what we could afford. I spreadsheets absolutely **all of our outgoings including leisure, haircuts, clothing. (Got a helpful spreadsheet from Stepchange at the time but think MoneySavingExpert gave one as well)

Then I halved the remaining and used that as my own money.

@grafittiartist

But he is only able to earn his wage because you are providing child care. Makes you both equal in my books. You should get the same as him.

That is a ridiculous thing to say. If the OP was not providing child care her husband could still continue to work using paid child care as most people do.

@Magicalwoodlands

Full time childcare for 9.5 month old DS is £1000. And that’s just Monday to Friday, 8-5.

You deserve a coat.

It's 1400 - 1500 where I live.

Great, you have more money than someone on the internet

I was a sahm, and any income was ours jointly, as we were a unit, both contributing in equal ways to the family unit.
It all went into a joint account from which all bills etc were paid. At the end of each month we knew what excess cash we had and decided how/whether to spend it.
Fortunately we both had the same philosophy that everything was OURS, so that when I started earning again too it went into the joint pot as well.
But you have to trust each other not to be selfish, and to be responsible about the resources you have.

I consider the joint account our money, I wouldn't think twice about spending from it. I do work but not as much as DH. I find it upsetting reading these stories to be honest, your husband is a high earner and you feel like you can't buy a single thing for yourself. That's very sad. Would you consider working so you have some indepence?

When I was a SAHM DH's salary went into our joint account and all was shared.
If I wanted or needed things they came out of that. I didn't need to check with him as he trusted me to make reasonable decisions based on our shared knowledge of our finances.

So if I wanted a new coat I've have bought one, unless I knew things wre tight that month/year and then I wouldn't.
You know like a responsble adult.

Tell your DH you are doing half of the work involved in maintaining your family and home so you expect all income to shared. and he can stop with the raised eyebrows.

If he he won't accept this, or keeps raising his eyebrows you'll have to make other arrangements and look for childcare so you can work.

He needs to decide how he wants family to work.

The you work at home, but I control the money dynamic needs to stop.

Re the office furniture, I'd expect that to be joint account 'household' spend in the same way a new table or washing machine would be. It isn't for a hobby, it's for work.

But it sounds like on the whole he thinks the money is his.

I used to work and my ex DH was SAHP. Everything was joint and we had equal access to 'spending money' after the bills were paid and savings put away.

Now, my DH earns a fair amount more than me, but we treat our money as 50/50. By that I mean that household spend all comes from the joint account but we give ourselves 'spending money' each month - the same amount each.

We consult each other if we're spending from the joint accout, if it's something significant. What we spend our own money on is never questionned.

When we got together, my DH had more in savings and was a higher earner, but he suggested our current arrangement and seemed to think it was obvious and normal. He's never once made me feel as though he even thinks about the fact that he brings more financially to the marriage than me.

My DH is a high earner, I’m a SAHM. I’ve had a few PT jobs but we both decided it worked better for us for me to be at home. We have joint finances, I’ve got a (rubbish) personal pension but DH has factored that into our savings and is planning to retire a few years early as I’m older than him. We plan everything for both of us…savings…loans…spending. His bonuses go into the joint pot. I’m naturally a more reluctant spender so he encourages me to spend and gets frustrated that I shop on eBay (because I love it!). He is a high earner because I take care of all the family stuff and he doesn’t have to worry about it. He’s also realised how shit it is being a woman with children and trying to work and appreciates the sacrifice I’ve made as I’m unlikely to have a fulfilling career and will just be doing “jobs” from now until I retire. The flip side to having a SAHP is that the one who works needs to be happy funding the whole family. You’ve either got to step up and share childcare/parenting or you accept that by not doing that your partner is giving up their ability to earn.

No-one should feel bad about getting a new coat.

You should feel able to ask questions about your finances (and they’re not “his” finances, theyre “our” finances) and I agree with pp that £10k savings for a 3 year old is an amazing investment. How much did he initially invest? He’s either investing in unbelievable high risk products or something doesn’t add up. It’s easy to say “oh…it’s come from investments”.

I'm actually not that good with money. My lovely DH though is very kind. As long as we have it spare I can spend on what I would like. As long as bills, food, savings etc comes first. I actually lost my debit card to the joint account last year so he transfers over money each week into another account so I access that and use as required. But if run out he will give me some more. We have kids, grandson and pets all under one roof so it can get expensive. I do buy things for myself or for the home but never at the expense of my family's needs. Xx

Just to add. My dh never ever begrudges me anything. We don't have a vast income, not shares in anything etc so there's no separate money squirrelled away. What he earns is family money. I used to earn but had to give up because of ill health and then homeschooling. I wouldn't like it if he was spending 4k on office furniture as your earlier reply but then I was walking around in tatty old clothes and feeling worried about having a well earned pamper x

I'm a SAHM. I'm in charge of our money, I'm the one who knows what's going in and out. I can spend whatever I want, I would discuss purchases over £100. Also DH used to contract so we both had private pensions. He is now an employee again but still pays into a private pension for me. Admittedly I run our lives, but DH has never once begrudged me this and always regards what he earns as our money, and appreciates that he gets to not worry about the day to day stuff because of our set up. You need to sit down and talk, does he genuinely begrudge you spending or are you self conscious because of the "imbalance". You need to set up a pension too, he should be happy to help you with this if he appreciates a good investment.

I'm not a SAHM and certainly never would be on the arrangement described here. You need your own money and deserve it. My mum had 'house keeping' from my Dad when she was a SAHM. She had enough to build her own savings separate from my Dad. When I ran out of money on maternity leave, I told my husband an amount I needed each month for discretionary spending to which he agreed readily. He can't do his job if I wasn't looking after HIS baby. You need to give your husband some home truths. You deserve a new coat.

Thanks all - so just bought myself a new phone (old one cracked screen/no storage) to which I must admit he was totally fine about - he said to get the more expensive one for more storage infact..

I think I realise some of my vulnerabilities and insecurities play a part in how sensitive I am when it comes to money and spending.

I mentioned me getting a part time job soon and he does seem very keen on that! He said "that would be great, go for it"

So I think that is exactly my next move

Try to redress the imbalance a bit

So basically the whole thread was a none issue maybe learn to talk to your dh in future solves so many problems

@Dddccc

So basically the whole thread was a none issue maybe learn to talk to your dh in future solves so many problems

Not really. It helped OP work through her issues.

Thats great OP.

I think you might well enjoy being back at work too.

It really isn't good for anyone's self esteem to feel so vulnerable financially.

Good luck.

I cannot imagine being married to someone and within that marriage, being concerned that me buying a new winter coat would cause eyebrow raising from my partner.

Fuck me what a sad thought 😞

@JC2021

I think deep down my husband resents my lack of earnings and income as I've never had a stable long term career or job and he has and now I'm SAHM I think this adds to his feelings of carrying me, so to speak..

I've worked yes but not a good career or long term job unfortunately I just didn't find my 'thing' and hopped around a fair bit job to job.. he sometimes refers to me as being 'bit of a hippy ✌️'

I think the opposite of this. I think he likes the fact that you don't seem to understand things like the importance of tax contributions, pensions etc for your future. The fact that you think this is normal or healthy. The fact that you feel a bit worried about stuff like buying a winter coat. A decent bloke (or woman) would have discussed all this with you if they didn't think you understood the long term implications which I'm not sure you do, to ensure you're comfortable / provided for / secure.

He's treating you like a child and unfortunately I think that because you're naive you've just sort of deferred to him on all things financial and assumed he knows 'best' but that's a very dangerous thing to do as he may just know what's best for him. Not much evidence of approaching life as a team here.