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Original poster

Stay at home mums - how much do you live on?

246 replies

JC2021 · 06/10/2021 21:03

Just intrigued as to what other SAHM use in terms of money?

My husband is the earner and we have a joint account - I get what I need our son and for the house but rarely spend anything on myself, am literally bottom of the pile it feels.. when I do spend on myself I feel my husbands eyebrows raise slightly.

I need a new phone (mine is cracked and very old!) a new winter coat (I have a few
but are years old and really fancy a new one) and would like a bit of me/pamper time..

I'm not a big spender and never have been but really feel I bloody deserve a few nice things!!!

I don't have any of my own money per say so it would be our joint money..

OP posts:
Comedycook · 06/10/2021 22:15

@Daisyxo

You have £8k a month?!
I think she means 4k in total
Original poster
JC2021 · 06/10/2021 22:15

@Daisyxo no we have £4K coming in a month...

8k, if only! 😂

OP posts:
yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:17

My husband was a stay at home dad for two years and now I earn 3 times what he does. We only have family money and I beg him to get some new clothes!

Honestly OP, I know everyone arranges their family affairs differently, but you need as much access to the "disposable income" as him.

loafcake · 06/10/2021 22:17

My partner is the earner, it's not high earnings by far but it's okay for us. The main reason I'm a SAHM is because it's cheaper than if I went back to work!

Whatever money he earns is ours, we don't split it up and actually I have most control over it because I'll pay most of the bills and get whatever we need for household and LO etc.

If I needed a new phone/coat he would never even bat an eyelid, in fact if I express some doubt at whether or not I should get something for myself (whether it's needed or not) he would always encourage me to treat myself. We don't see it as his or my money, only family money. We aren't even married yet 😂

yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:19

Husband tends to use his own personal credit card for big spends so it doesn't eat into our joint one...

Do you have any visibility into the balance on this card? I'd be worried he's racking up some pretty big debts.

Gilly12345 · 06/10/2021 22:20

You need to have a conversation with Hubby about you having an allowance from the joint account for new clothes, haircuts etc.

If not forthcoming then look for a part time job.

Sakurami · 06/10/2021 22:21

Really @viviennemary? OP does have a bloody job. Growing , birthing and looking after the baby and home. It's just that it isn't paid. And if she wasn't with a controlling and financially abusing idiot it wouldn't be a problem, would it.

yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:21

If not forthcoming then look for a part time job.

I'd say if it's not forthcoming, OP needs to look for a good solicitor.

MiddleParking · 06/10/2021 22:21

If your husband brings home £4k a month and at the start of October you’re giving a second’s thought to what his eyebrows will do if you buy a needed coat then there’s no point in being married at all.

Original poster
JC2021 · 06/10/2021 22:21

@yikersvipers believe me he is not one to ever be in debt! He has never been in the red since I met him (17yrs ago) he is very good / astute with money and always has been! Maybe because he doesn't spend much! 😂😩

OP posts:
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 06/10/2021 22:22

Sorry to be blunt OP but your set up sounds awful. It sounds like you and your husband both see you as some sort of inferior dependent, rather than another grown adult you’re in an equal partnership with. Do you not feel like a child, not being allowed access to shared marital assets or a joint say in how the household income is distributed? It baffles me that any grown adult is content to live like that. Being a SAHP can be a great decision but not if it puts you in this weird position of inferiority where you’re basically trapped with no other options. You say you’d like to have a career-what’s stopping you? Or is it honestly that you would prefer your current set up because at least you’re at home with your child?

CinderFuckingRe11a · 06/10/2021 22:23

@Dddccc

I am he earner in my marriage if dh needs something over say £50 he would as if its ok I do not have a high wage so £50 is quite a lot but we are also if it works don't replace so getting a new coat just because you fancy one but nothing wrong with the ones you have is a waste but the phone if its not working correctly we replace ours ever 3 to 4 years, also you dh spending on a home office is not really personal spends, but I also believe bonuses should be kept out as he worked hard for that bonus so should spend it on himself
I worked hard for my bonus… but I could only do that because my DH was picking kids up from school, dropping them at activities, doing the shopping, doing the washing, cooking tea etc

I wouldn’t dream of hoarding it as due to my hard work - it’s only because he does his job that I can do mine!

We’re a team, and I feel like that’s what we signed up for at the start.

yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:23

[quote JC2021]@yikersvipers believe me he is not one to ever be in debt! He has never been in the red since I met him (17yrs ago) he is very good / astute with money and always has been! Maybe because he doesn't spend much! 😂😩[/quote]
Fair enough. But as a married couple I think you should have full visibility into everything. Just my opinion.

MiddleParking · 06/10/2021 22:24

What’s he using to pay off the personal non-joint credit card if that £4k goes into your joint account?

Original poster
JC2021 · 06/10/2021 22:24

And I wonder what allowance would be reasonable considering there's £1k left over?

£250 - 300 a month?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/10/2021 22:26

OP,

You need to return to work asap and childcare costs should come from the joint account.

How many years are you not working and feel unable to spend any money?

I certainly wouldn't have another child with a man who is so financially controlling.

You do all childcare etc for a roof over your head?

What an awful way to live.

Go back to work.
I certainly wouldn't want to stay married to a man who spends on himself but would raise an eyebrow at me🙄

CinderFuckingRe11a · 06/10/2021 22:26

@Daisyxo

I know how you feel OP. I am a SAHP and we don’t have a joint account but I have a prepaid card that my DP puts money on each month. Enough to for the kids and for shopping etc. and a bit extra but I never feel I can buy something for myself on the card as then I will need to ask for it to be topped up!
This is awful! You’re not a child!
Sakurami · 06/10/2021 22:26

@MayorGoodwaysChicken sometimes it just happens. It happened to me and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP. The only fair thing is to sit down and discuss and agree. Look at the income coming in and after you've paid your bills you should both agree with what to do with the remainder.

Original poster
JC2021 · 06/10/2021 22:26

@MiddleParking he has other savings sat there that he dips into for big purchases

OP posts:
yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:27

@MiddleParking

Agree. OP says he would never be in debt, but what are these big purchases and how are they paid for after a £2k mortgage payment!

itsraininghere · 06/10/2021 22:27

You should not be a SAHM unless you have equal access to money. You are an equal partner in the relationship and that means equal - nothing less.
If you partner has a newish phone and decent clothes then you have them too.
If you have to ask for permission or get raised eyebrows then you are not being treated equally.
Go and spend the money - women must recognise their worth in relationships and stop passively accepting being treated poorly. Be strong, stand up for yourself and enjoy your pamper time.

yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:27

[quote JC2021]@MiddleParking he has other savings sat there that he dips into for big purchases [/quote]
That's your savings too.

MiddleParking · 06/10/2021 22:28

[quote JC2021]@MiddleParking he has other savings sat there that he dips into for big purchases [/quote]
And how’s he accumulating his other savings?

yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:29

@JC2021

And I wonder what allowance would be reasonable considering there's £1k left over?

£250 - 300 a month?

Don't think of it as an "allowance". It needs to be the family money. Otherwise, I agree with the other posters who say you need to get out.
doodleygirl · 06/10/2021 22:30

I never understand this kind of thread, they actually baffle me. Why would anyone enter into a relationship, have a child, become a SAHP but not discuss how the finances will work.

OP, you really need to sit down with your DH and discuss this in an open and honest way. You are not asking for charity you need to have some money and your contribution to the family needs to be recognised.