Just found out about past affair

[Alloverplaceagain]

And don’t know how to move on.

Recently found evidence DH of 13 years had affair with colleague. It went on throughout 2019 and finished/was forced to finish because of lockdown and has been zero contact since.

I had suspicions at the time, confronted both but was gaslighted and told in my head. Dh has now come clean on all - every dirty detail. They had sex twice, once at our home when I was away, once in a hotel at lunchtime (she paid for).

There were daily, sometimes multiple daily meets for lunch etc with lots of kissing.

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair.

2020 was transformative for us. Much better relationship. He wants us to build on that, I think I do too.

We have two children and many years together but he deceived me for a year.

Have made him get full std checks, I told her husband (poor bastard had no clue), they have children also.

Any advice on even attempting to move past this? Is such a head fuck to find out (a long time) after the event.

DH has seen a counsellor already and wants to do whatever it takes to stay together

He had sex in your home? Nah, I wouldn’t bother.
It’s up to you, but there’s so much betrayal and lies in this. Both lied to your face too. I’d be booting the fucker out!
You need to ask yourself, what YOU want to do. It’s not up to him.

A man does not have an affair for a year and only have sex twice. The whole point of most affairs is the sex. He's not told you everything. He's told you enough to make it seem plausible that he accepts he did something wrong and he is sorry so you can "move on". Why has he chosen to come clean now?

I’m sorry OP, that’s tough. I would recommend having some individual counselling to help you work through your feelings if at all possible. For his part he needs to do everything you ask of him to show you he is committed to it not happening again. There are some good resources on affair recovery which he should be taking the lead on working through to help you move on and continue the relationship, if that is what you choose.

Be patient with yourself, it takes time. I think you just sort of have to go through it and gradually come to terms with it.

I think you could work through it, but you’ll have to get to a place where you genuinely forgive him because otherwise there will always be resentment. You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life feeling bitter and he doesn’t deserve to spend the rest of his life feeling guilty.

Personally I couldn’t get past that. You now know he’s capable of lying to you and deceiving you for long periods of time. How can you trust him now?

If you’re determined, I would suggest counselling. He needs to be truly remorseful.

once at our home

No coming back from that.

Thanks all. We have been over the number times of sex point. The answer is that the hotel was deemed seedy and the kissing was exciting enough.

I actually do believe him as he has explained to the last painful detail every answer to all my questions and I didn’t know about the house or hotel before then.

Did he tell you or did you find out yourself?

2020 may have been 'transformative' for your relationship but that's because a) you were unaware of his deceit and b) lockdown meant he wouldn't have been able to see her for sex. So he channelled his energy and affection to you instead. Your happiness since then has been built on a lie.

From what you describe, it sounds like he was quite happy to make you feel like you were going mad (gaslighting) and happy to have sex with his lover in the home you raise your children in. I couldn't move on from a partner who not only lied and cheated on me, but made me feel I was in the wrong for suspecting. That's incredibly cruel.

I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation. I think you need plenty of time to deal with the shock and to consider your options. Put your happiness, your needs, first above his. Good luck OP.

He’s lying, he had sex more than twice.

I think because we have been in a much better place through 2020 until now - good quality time together etc. Has made it a different, if harder question than finding out when it just happened.

Time. Give yourself time as it will take a long time to process if he's still in your life, look after yourself, get stronger. He needs to do whatever you need him to without question, be transparent and honest with you about everything. Communicate. If it was forced to end due to lockdown, that's made his job harder to show he's truly remorseful. Would it be ongoing if it weren't for lockdown? Trust your gut.

He has said that lockdown made him appreciate me/ us much more and I can see he did cut all ties. He is begging us to stay together and that he realised was a bastard he was.

Read Esther Perel. The affair isn't really the point here and can be overcome if you are willing to step down off moral high Horse which it sounds like you are and accept responsibility for each other's needs in a marriage. Divorce with kids isn't necessarily the route to happiness only you can decide if you think it's a relationship worth saving

Don’t be rushed into forgiving- take any time and space you want. Does he still work with her?
I think a lot of therapy and some distance - only you know if in time you can move on and not hold it over him

My gut is that it is completely over and irreversiblely so. Our relationship through lockdown has been good - we needed to spend more time together and can see that now. Am not blaming myself for affair at all but can see how I was a difficult partner sometimes.

I just have so many mixed emotions. For me it’s that he gaslighted when I asked about it (he has said it was too exciting to stop) and that he brought her here, into our home. He showed no respect for us. I think he was thinking with his dick and was just easiest place as I was working away. Again not excusing at all as I’m horrified.

All I can say is it’s totally ok to
Need time
Not forgive immediately
Struggle
Be angry 😡
Not be able to move past it

Still work together although apparently she won’t be there for long. Her DH reached out to me a few times, I feel more sorry for him somehow as he had no idea. He is in denial I think, I’ve wanted to know the gory details to help me process and make decisions.

I found out 11 years after an emotional affair (so I am told and can’t prove otherwise) so I feel your pain— I found out by chance as he wrote all his feelings down and stuffed it away in a drawer —I was never told. all I will say is I don’t think it matters if they had sex once or 20 times— the deceit and pain is now there for you, as it was for me. I didn’t leave but I have to be honest and say that I’ve never really felt the same, the previous unconditional love is now conditional , it’s made me not want sex and be prepared for a certain amount of hyper vigilance. I’m sure some people stay and ‘get over it’ — maybe it depends on what kind of relationship you had— we had a close one , worked together too and I 100% totally trusted him- that’s what has made it harder I think. Don’t rush any decision in the instamath of this— take your time and then see how you feel and make sure he isn’t the 100% focus of your life.

Both financially solvent so no reliance on one another. This ultimately comes down to if I can get over this I guess and if I want to

I found old messages on an old device. Just showed frequent chats about meeting for lunch etc. But the frequency made it clear there was a relationship.

He then came clean about everything. So I guess he didn’t need to, could have still lied but according to him he wants to be totally honest now, even knowing how much it will hurt me to know all. So we can move on if I decide that I want to

Is he her boss?

No

A lateral colleague.

For what it’s worth I understand my issue is with him, not her as he was married to me not her however she crossed the line when she lied to me directly - proactively got in touch to lie - and when she agreed to come to my home. So yeah, I do hate her.