Just found out about past affair

[Alloverplaceagain]

And don’t know how to move on.

Recently found evidence DH of 13 years had affair with colleague. It went on throughout 2019 and finished/was forced to finish because of lockdown and has been zero contact since.

I had suspicions at the time, confronted both but was gaslighted and told in my head. Dh has now come clean on all - every dirty detail. They had sex twice, once at our home when I was away, once in a hotel at lunchtime (she paid for).

There were daily, sometimes multiple daily meets for lunch etc with lots of kissing.

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair.

2020 was transformative for us. Much better relationship. He wants us to build on that, I think I do too.

We have two children and many years together but he deceived me for a year.

Have made him get full std checks, I told her husband (poor bastard had no clue), they have children also.

Any advice on even attempting to move past this? Is such a head fuck to find out (a long time) after the event.

Although now have told her DH, have zero plans to have anything to do with her again as not worth it. As much as I hate my husband for what he did, I have no time for women like that who did what she did (to her own family too)

OP, he fessed up because you found 'evidence' and is now lying to you about how many times they had sex. He is gaslighting you now exactly as he was when you were first suspicious. All under the guise of 'openness'.

Tbh forgiving an affair is one thing, if you think that you too had a role to play in the marital issues which led to it. But having sex in your home is unforgivable to me. I don't think I'd even want to get past that.
Gaslighting is an evil thing to do to someone - at the point that he was doing this, he wasn't thinking about or caring about you at all. Again, that is something which is very hard (impossible, I think) to come back from.
I suspect you will end up with a lot of repressed pain and anger. The instinct when you find out about this stuff is to try and make it go away and to get things back to how they used to be. It's a security thing. Especially if your husband is now behaving like the loving man that you married! But there's a danger that you can bury feelings and these will come at you years later as some random event sparks a memory of being hurt. So take your time and both of you should seek counseling. I think your husband needs to have it brutally spelled out just how much damage he has caused here. It isn't as simple as him admitting to wrongdoing and you 'forgiving' and getting over it. In my view that just doesn't happen.

To be clear the evidence - was not really more than I knew before, just in a different format and made me question again. The evdience didn’t require the full disclosure which I have now had.

Having an affair and lying to your face is horrific itn itself.

Bringing another woman into your family home and sleeping with her, makes them both scum and unforgivable.
You sound like you want to work through this.

What happens the next time you go through a rough patch?

Would he have come clean if this hadn’t raised it again? No. Do I think he is truthful about being over and wanting me? Yes.

I don’t have answers to many of these questions. I feel numb I guess.

@Alloverplaceagain

Thanks all. We have been over the number times of sex point. The answer is that the hotel was deemed seedy and the kissing was exciting enough.

I actually do believe him as he has explained to the last painful detail every answer to all my questions and I didn’t know about the house or hotel before then.

OP, I'm so sorry but he's still lying to your face. There will be a lot more to come.

Having sex with your affair partner in your family home is some next level cheating. That takes a cold, callous bastard.

I'm sorry. I've been where you are and I couldn't forgive him.

It’s a tough decision and only one you can make for yourself. Just know that staying, working through things abs forgiving him will not make you weak or any less of a woman.

My DP had an EA a couple of years ago. I was so blindsided i did the pick me dance and begged him to stay. I look back at those days and feel despair at the sad and pathetic me that i was. But i wont be sad and pathetic again, he would be out the door.

I "forgave" him, and we are still together 2 years later. But i still think about it, his EA was with my friend who lied to my face, so i torment myself with it daily.

I try to forget but i cant and i feel sad and numb at the same time. I wish i could forget and feel happy but i dont.

I wish you luck OP but forgiving a cheater is a lonely road.

Trust is a really big thing - takes years to build and moments to destroy. Can you rely on him not to do this next time life is a bit rough?
In other areas of your life, does he have your back? Does he prioritise you and behaves in a way that demonstrates that he cares for your comfort and wellbeing? I don't just mean now, but generally throughout your marriage. Orr does he have a tendency to do what is good for him as a priority?
What he says isn't as important as how he behaves. Love is about what he does

@Alloverplaceagain. I know how you feel- would my H ever do it again? - no I don’t think so, does he care about me ? very much so— still doesn’t get round the fact that I don’t care about him in 100% the same way— and I think even with some time you will feel the same way as me - — personally if I was in your shoes I would end it and sad as it is, save yourself years of agonising. I wasn’t in the same position as you solvency wise and it was a lot further in the past .

In your house? No.

I also think he's lying about the sex bit ... two times in a year!! Really?!

It is another level of nastiness to shag her in your home, that's shocking. I can't really believe that, other than this 'incident', he is a genuinely good decent man who made a mistake. Have a think about other ways he's treated you over the years, a proper deep think.

Obviously you must do whatever will make you happy Op but I'd not be able to really trust him again. Saying he lied to you because the affair was "too exciting to stop" and knowing it only ended because he had no choice would eat away at my peace of mind. He may be different now, your relationship in a stronger place but what happens next time there's a problem between you? Will you be forever checking up just in case?
Don't rush into anything, take your time and don't let this get swept under the carpet, he doesn't get to say if you stay or go

He brought her into your home.and had sex with her in your bed?!!! Thats bringing it to.anothrr level. He does not respect you at all to have done that. I could not forgive that part I'm sorry. He even lied to you and continued the whole affair. How can you possibly carry on as normal with this man. I'd be wondering if he's at it again.

I do not for one moment believe they only had sex twice in a year long affair.

He's still lying.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to make a final decision now. It's okay to try if you feel you really want to and then change your mind later. You are allowed to decide at any time that this isn't right for you and he has lost the right to the security of knowing that you will definitely stay. He has also lost his right to your automatic trust. If you decided that you want him to change jobs, then this is what he ought to do. Basically he should be doing anything and everything that you need. Beware if he's just carrying on as normal and leaving all the emotional work to you.
There are some good books you can get and that he should read too. Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends is worth a read.

Thank you for all the support it helps a lot to be able to speak to someone outside RL

He brought her into your own home. Your own bed?

And had sex with another woman inside your own home. I'm not sure even Esther Perel could find a way back from that.

He's already gone further than most cheaters go. He's lied to you for 2 years, he only fessed up when caught. He's well practiced and comfortable with lying, you would he wise not to believe a word of his crocodile tears and half confessions. A friend in need is a friend indeed, and when he was cut off from access to other women during lockdown he turned back to the wife at home. Thats not a stronger relationship, that's an exploitative personality, hard at work. Lockdowns are over, and when offices reopen he'll invariably revert to type. How much of your life do your want to waste on this?

Your home, your bed, will always remind you of it, at bare minimum you would need to sell the house and whatever furniture they used for her visit(s). Then, did he make her a cuppa? Did they eat? Did she shower? Did he show her around the house? Garden? Drive her in the car? What chairs did she sit in? Really, if you need to scrape your life clean and start again to that extent, you may as well do so without the unreliable and disloyal person who brought such uncertainly into your life in the first place.

I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug.

Lots of people will say leave, he's a pig, he'll do it again, etc etc etc but this is your life, your husband, your relationship. Someone once said to me, staying is not the easy option. I know of a wife who stayed after her dh cheated and I know of a friend who left her dh after she had an affair. I also know of someone whose dh cheated, she stayed then had an affair with an ex herself.

Everyone is different and what is right for one is not right for another person.

Don't be pushed into anything.

Have some therapy if you need, do whatever it is that works for you.

I wish you well.

Oh, and don't move out of the house - not until you have a consent order with a decent financial settlement. Do consider that it's also possible he's lying to get you out of the house and see you "rehoused" and therefore significantly reduce any divorce settlement.

One can never know with these types.

Your husband is still gaslighting you. He clearly well practised at it.

It's shocking he had the audacity that bring that woman into your home to fuck her. If cheating in general isn't a deal breaker, that certainly is. The utter lack of respect that shows is staggering. It shows contempt, imo.

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Rather than coming to you and communicating his issues/your relationship problems at the time he has chosen to be extremely selfish.
Can you really trust him?
I'm just saying as my partner cheated, I forgave him, he cheated again. I ended it.

I would prioritise yourself, at least tell him you need time apart to think.

Good luck

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair

After full disclosure comes the recovery period when your sex life may suffer for a while and you will likely not be at your most loving, warm and friendly towards him while you process this.

What is his planned strategy for managing that this time around?

Plenty of people leave after an affair and plenty of people don't leave, if you're both wanting to recover and move on together then there is no shame in trying to do that, even if it doesn't work out and you do eventually separate.