Just found out about past affair

[Alloverplaceagain]

And don’t know how to move on.

Recently found evidence DH of 13 years had affair with colleague. It went on throughout 2019 and finished/was forced to finish because of lockdown and has been zero contact since.

I had suspicions at the time, confronted both but was gaslighted and told in my head. Dh has now come clean on all - every dirty detail. They had sex twice, once at our home when I was away, once in a hotel at lunchtime (she paid for).

There were daily, sometimes multiple daily meets for lunch etc with lots of kissing.

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair.

2020 was transformative for us. Much better relationship. He wants us to build on that, I think I do too.

We have two children and many years together but he deceived me for a year.

Have made him get full std checks, I told her husband (poor bastard had no clue), they have children also.

Any advice on even attempting to move past this? Is such a head fuck to find out (a long time) after the event.

You should definitely watch Esther Perel, a world-renowned speaker and therapist on infidelity on YouTube - her TED talks are amazing. It will give you a lot of answers and a lot of things to think about.

He sounds like a particularly nasty, cruel, slippery character to have gaslighted you over his affair

And he presumably knew the ow was going to contact op and gas light her too.

He must have been aware of (at the least), or a party to that too.

I find Esther Perel to be a cheater apologist.

All the pschobabble obscures the faxt that the cheater is a low integrity, hypocritical, scum bag, untrustworthy, selfish, deceptive, manipulative pos.

It's kind of like "well it's natural for people to act like this so it's really no big deal ..."

No, it's natural for some people to sct like this.
Op hasn't and presumably wouldn't.

It's just encouraging non sociopaths to stick with (and be mistreated) by sociopaths.

Hogwarts21, she's brilliant, isn't she? Her final point - "Your first marriage is over, would you like to create a second one - together?" is really pertinent.

I hope the posters who've called OP a 'dormat' and 'a fool' listen to that talk because OP should not be feeling shamed or be made to.

On you ‘not getting on’ in 2019 it’s likely that this was due to the affair / your H looking elsewhere, not the other way round.

Your first marriage is over, would you like to create a second one - together?

No, he can create a second one with the woman he fucked behind my back for a year, including in my bed".

(Exceot he can't because she's also a married cheater, a liar, a scum bag, a deceiver, a gas lighter, a low worth, low integrity individual who laughs behind her paeyners back while she fks them over ; birds of a feather flick together).

How bout that?

Stop encouraging people to stay with people who treated them abominably and betrayed them, stop encouraging people to stay with sociopaths and narcissists.

she's brilliant, isn't she?

She's a bull shit artist.

A lengthy, wordy diatribe; repackaging "people, mostly men, cheat; take it and stay".

Just think about the disrespect needed to have sex with someone in your wife’s home. The bed that you have been sleeping in without knowing. It’s so disgusting I can’t even begin to formulate how I’d feel about it.

The lying is appalling. He would still be lying if you hadn’t found evidence. There’s no sudden discovery of his moral compass and his commitment to you, which has made him come clean.

He is STILL lying. He’s minimising to protect himself. Of course he didn’t only have sex twice. You new feel like it’s partially your fault for pushing him into the arms of another woman. So he’s lying, and shifting blame.

I don’t know if I could forgive an affair, maybe I could. But I could not forgive having sex in MY house, where our life with our children is. That is beyond disgusting

@SleepingBunnies21

she's brilliant, isn't she?

She's a bull shit artist.

A lengthy, wordy diatribe; repackaging "people, mostly men, cheat; take it and stay".

Yes, this.

I don’t know if I could forgive an affair, maybe I could. But I could not forgive having sex in MY house, where our life with our children is. That is beyond disgusting

This. It's next level disrespectful and then some.

As if he would 'work through' OP having shagged a man in their bed while he was away.

You've said you think you want to try and make it work so I won't join the LTB chorus, but now you've told her husband I'd be prepared for her to contact you with all the dirty details and that they might include things he hasn't been completely honest about.

I'm not sure what good his having counselling is for you, OP. It doesn't seem to have made him develop any honesty or integrity. Had he come to you and confessed, because he realised the gravity of his betrayal and wanted to take the first step towards trying to heal, that might make you think he's actually changed. But that's not how it went, so where is the trust coming from?

The unforgiveable part for me would be the gaslighting. Presumably he put the OW up to talking to you. Having sex in your home (your bed?) is absolutely grim too. Not sure I could get past that. Something similar happened to me once and I had to buy a new bed because it was so revolting to think of the place where I am most vulnerable being used that way. I find these elements of your story to be indicative of abuse.

I'm sorry OP. I can hear that you want to stay with him and make it work. It sounds to me like he is not capable of that. But you know him best. Just don't be rushed into anything. Tell him to stop spending money on pointless, self-indulgent counselling for himself and pay for you to have much needed counselling instead.

Take him back OP

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I don’t know if I could forgive an affair, maybe I could. But I could not forgive having sex in MY house, where our life with our children is. That is beyond disgusting

This. It's next level disrespectful and then some.

As if he would 'work through' OP having shagged a man in their bed while he was away.

I agree - in your house and your bed where your life with the DC is - if it'd been in a hotel etc that would not be so bad in my book. So disrespectful to you and the DC.

Who says you have to move on? I left my ex for his affair. Could never have trusted him again both sexually and emotionally, he also tried the gaslighting crap! It was the insults to my intelligence that really pissed me off!

Why has he admitted this now? Was someone else about to tell you or you were about to find out some other way? I highly doubt a guilty conscience! - right so he's only "confessed" cos he was caught!

I too call bullshit on only shagging twice!

You need a full Sti screening too op ASAP.

I don't agree with "he was the one made vows" she knew he was married and knew and lied to you she's just as bad!

Why has he admitted this now? Was someone else about to tell you or you were about to find out some other way? I highly doubt a guilty conscience! - right so he's only "confessed" cos he was caught!

OP said she found an old device with conversations between the husband and the affair partner.

People calling the OP names. How do you think that will help? It's not kind of helping or supportive so are you saying it to make yourself feel better, big, clever or some other shit? In a month, a year or more you might be the one posting that your husband has cheated. Do you want posters, while you are still in shock, pain, denial, confusion, telling you you are a doormat etc etc.

Never mind all this be kind stuff. How about you just be decent and if you can't be fucking quiet.

@Alloverplaceagain I tried to send you a PM but you are set for not receiving them.

It would be a divorce for me. The worry it will happen again will eat away at you.

What a mess they created.

Where were your kids when he was shagging her. Was it in your bed ?
I would find that v hard to get past if he did it with the kids asleep in bed in the same house .
I know someone who did that v thing ( a woman ) . I found that totally repugnant and in my eyes that was so much worse than sex in a neutral place.

@SleepingBunnies21

Your first marriage is over, would you like to create a second one - together?

No, he can create a second one with the woman he fucked behind my back for a year, including in my bed".

(Exceot he can't because she's also a married cheater, a liar, a scum bag, a deceiver, a gas lighter, a low worth, low integrity individual who laughs behind her paeyners back while she fks them over ; birds of a feather flick together).

How bout that?

Stop encouraging people to stay with people who treated them abominably and betrayed them, stop encouraging people to stay with sociopaths and narcissists.

How about you stop telling people what they can and can't do with your silly judgement.

Sort out your own marriage/divorce as you like and never mind what other people do.

never mind what other people do.

You're "minding what other people do" and pointing them at infidelity apologist bull shit artists (who knows there's plenty of money in the business of sanitising and repackaging staying with an adulterer). If you Dudbridge mind what people did, you wouldn't wouldn't on here commenting either.

A v classic response to shit behaviour & values .... "mind your own business, don't stick your nose in".

No, I won't, ta - not while people are peddling that shit.

your silly judgement

From what you appear to be advocating, you really shouldn't be banding around the words "silly judgement".

*bandying

I think you need some time to clear your head so you can think clear away from him. Even just for a week to stay away from him as easier to think when not in the situation. I personally could not get over it as would drive myself mad over thinking all the time. For me it would be that he broke the trust and he was deceitful and anyone who can live with betraying someone they are supposed to love is a manipulative liar and that would not sit well with me. Moving on would be so difficult and it would ruin my mental health. If you can do it then it is your choice but do not go to counselling with him, but I would suggest you do talk to someone on your own as easier to talk to a stranger and a professional and this will also help you in your recovery moving forward. Hope you are ok.