Just found out about past affair

[Alloverplaceagain]

And don’t know how to move on.

Recently found evidence DH of 13 years had affair with colleague. It went on throughout 2019 and finished/was forced to finish because of lockdown and has been zero contact since.

I had suspicions at the time, confronted both but was gaslighted and told in my head. Dh has now come clean on all - every dirty detail. They had sex twice, once at our home when I was away, once in a hotel at lunchtime (she paid for).

There were daily, sometimes multiple daily meets for lunch etc with lots of kissing.

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair.

2020 was transformative for us. Much better relationship. He wants us to build on that, I think I do too.

We have two children and many years together but he deceived me for a year.

Have made him get full std checks, I told her husband (poor bastard had no clue), they have children also.

Any advice on even attempting to move past this? Is such a head fuck to find out (a long time) after the event.

I actually know of a couple of adulterers who do this, sex in the family home, sex in places like restaurant toilets where he and his wife would be, accidentally chatting to the wife in a bar. He loves the thrill of it all, she hates the idea of the wife, but he would never, ever leave the wife. I'm sure his wife knows on some level, her response being she's not the first and won't be the last.

Has the OW confirmed the "sex twice"? And are you sure that this was his only affair?

You've said you want to try, so I won't give my opinion, but I think aside from him being fully open & taking 100% responsibility, you have to be able to fully bury it, never mention it, never doubt he's telling you the truth, fully focus on the future, not the past.

I personally couldn't, but I wish you peace & happy future

Leave him OP - you deserve better

I think some partners decide to work through affairs and then find in the long run that the trust can't be rebuilt. You say you don't know how to move on - you might not be able to however much you want to.

I think you definitely need relationship counselling to try to sort through it and agree strategies - he needs full transparency from now on of where he goes and what he does; and every time you feel upset about it you need to be able to acknowledge that - that will last a long time - most likely far longer than he will be comfortable with.

@Alloverplaceagain I’m sorry you’ve had such a shock. Finding out about the affair must have been so upsetting. Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not, it’s worth finding out all the financial and legal information now. The reason that I’m saying this is because a man who is capable of so much deception won’t hesitate to hide money or lie about his pension etc. He’s being nice to you now as he thinks he will win you over but he is likely to change very quickly if you start divorce proceedings.

He sounds like a particularly nasty, cruel, slippery character to have gaslighted you over his affair. If you decide to stay with him, please be careful that he doesn’t destroy your mental health. He will cover his tracks much more carefully with his next affair.

Could you ask him to leave for a few weeks so that you have time to process what has happened? What he is relying on is being able to charm you into forgiveness as quickly as possible.

Unlikely you have got ‘full disclosure’. Given his past gaslighting, duration of the affair and that he only ‘confessed’ to X, Y and Z because you no longer believed the lies. Both he and OW still have strong incentives to lie.

For me, the trust would be gone and couldn’t have confidence that he wouldn’t cheat again in future.

I really do wish that the #bekind movement had actually taken root on here! OP is neither a "fool" nor "a doormat", she is a person who has just had the rug pulled out from under her, whose whole world has just shifted on its axis and she is reaching out for support and advice, NOT insults......If your personal belief is LTB there are a myriad of ways to say that with kindness!!! Sending lots of support OP in what must be a god awful time xx

I couldn’t get over this. I honestly think op that life is too short to allow someone the opportunity to treat you in this way a second time.

Ultimate disrespect.

Sex with her in your bed? Hell no. I couldn't get past that. That's so callous. He has known that for all the time when you climbed in there beside him.

Fuck that.

As others have said, would he have stopped if he wasn't forced by the pandemic? He wouldn't have told you if not forced, either. He has been lying to you every single day. Every day,

@BrilloPaddy

I can come at this from a different angle. My Dad was repeated unfaithful to my Mum, but Mum couldn't bear to leave..... she got angry at him, made him suffer, then came the hysterical bonding and forgiveness. Then when the coast was clear, he'd start again. And the cycle repeated.

Don't stay for your kids, because they really won't thank you. It took me years to open up to DH and share the horror of my childhood. And even longer to let my guard fully down and be loved. It was a toxic childhood and one I've never fully shaken free of.

I'm really sorry he's put you in this position

Same for me. OP, don’t stay for the sake of your kids.

Try and see the better relationship you have now as good grounds for separating. It’s much easier to separate and divorce when you are not still reeling with anger and bitterness or in the midst of breaking up an affair. Your DH is working on himself (shame he didn’t think counselling would be a good idea when he first considered having an affair) and has acknowledged what a shit he has been. My advice would be to strike now while you have a good chance of doing things amicably. Your kids will thank you for THAT.

I don't think the location of a shag is an indication of any more contempt than a cheating spouse having little/no respect for boundaries, decency, family or their spouse. There's no 'decent cheating bastard' category for men who don't bring the OW into the home.

For me it was knowing any good memories we had at home before and during the affair - he was thinking about her. Any mood changes that I'd noticed in him - they were due to her. All the lies he told me and the insane emotional peaks I'd experienced while he denied and berated me for my suspicions because I couldn't stop the (alleged) paranoia.... Every time he had left the house to see her and kissed me goodbye. It all sullied the supposed sanctity of the relationship and the family home, for me the sex they had was the only bit that I could understand.

Everything else was planned, he knowingly betrayed me in the cold light of day every time he lied, misled and omitted, usually while smiling at me.
In the end that is what I couldn't accept, the supposed 'little details' that hurt more than knowing they'd had sex.

Seeing each other daily for all that time after ending things isn't reassuring. Wouldn't most people want to leave when their extra marital affair ends, especially when one spouse has already confronted both parties?

Would he forgive you OP? If you'd had a transformative year, but he found out you fucked another man in his bed before that?

I can understand you wanting to stay, I really can, but the level of callousness here is just awful. He lied so well to you and for so long, you can never trust him again. What happens when you go through another rough patch? Will you feel compelled to have sex when you don't want to in case it's not exciting enough for him again?

Obviously it’s your decision OP, but if you’re not financially tied to him and you’ve got no kids, I’d say leave him. You deserve better.

Deceit to that level, imo, is too much to come back from. I can’t imagine any woman that’s been cheated on ever feels more confident after it happened. Some will stay for whatever reason but I bet it’s always in the back if their mind.

If a gorgeous younger woman tried it on with them, chances are they’d be off.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but strong relationships are based on loyalty. Anyone that has an affair, sticks up two fingers to their partner.

I would be heartbroken forever if my DH had sex and and was kissing another woman. I just couldn’t get back from it.

You could find someone that adores you and wouldn’t do that to you and you’d look back at this time if your life and think what a lucky escape.

Good luck OP

I'd be furious personally and the trust would be gone regardless of the fact that you had a good relationship in 2020. He lied to you before in 2019 didn't he?

I was with an ex-SO years ago for 2 years and after we broke up (a rocky relationship) he told me he'd cheated only as I told him (don't ask why!) that I didn't think he'd get another woman. I told him why didn't he tell me at the time because I'd have had a good excuse to dump him then.

I think the latter is almost the same in your case - but you have DC etc, he seems quite happy to have deceived you etc and now has what, owned up or found out (haven't read whole thread). I would be beyond furious and unable to get past this.

Don;t let him push you and pressure you into a decision. He's had since 2019 to think about what he wants and make his choices. It might take you 2 years to decide what you want to do, whether you want to stay or leave. You are entitled to a much time as it takes you - this is new to you and there will be a lot of things that occur to you both for and against reconciliation, lots of questions you haven't thought of yet that you will want answers to, and that all takes time.
At the moment you are just absorbing the news - it is far to soon to decide on whether you have a future with this man.
The things you know -
He is capable of lying continously for an extended period of time.
He is capable of totally betraying you
He puts himself and his immediate needs above you and your children.
He is capable of gaslighting you.
He doesn't care about your health and well being.

Things you don't know
Whether he will do it again in the future
whether he is genuinely remorseful or just saying what eh thinks are the right things.
Whether you will ever be able to trust him or whether you will always live with uncertainty.

I would tell him to back off with the pleas and the begging while you get your thoughts in order. And I would personally let him know that he needs to come clean about everything now, and if you find out at a later date that he has lied about anything then it is over.

Personally for me it would be over now (I've been in this situation and knew there was no coming back from it for me - but I didn't have young children) but I also know people who have made it work, although things were never really the same between them.

@TatianaBis

Has the OW confirmed the "sex twice"? And are you sure that this was his only affair?

Exactly - bollocks to the only "sex twice", bet it was loads more.

For me it would be the lies and gaslighting; the 'in your head' manipulation of what you saw and sensed.

How can you ever believe anything he ever says again? What has changed, except that lockdown shut them down and you found incontrovertible evidence?

Apart from that, they'd still be going, wouldn't they? And the in your house part is just grim.

He spent all that time smugly deceiving you, deciding you were too stupid or gullible to find out. What else is he still hiding? What else is he still thinking about you?

Trickle truth is the most corrosive sort. I'd dig and dig to see if there's more. Sleeping together just twice over that length of affair seems highly unlikely, for starters.

I think the sex in the family home would be the deciding factor for me . He would be out !

@Alloverplaceagain

My gut is that it is completely over and irreversiblely so. Our relationship through lockdown has been good - we needed to spend more time together and can see that now. Am not blaming myself for affair at all but can see how I was a difficult partner sometimes.

I just have so many mixed emotions. For me it’s that he gaslighted when I asked about it (he has said it was too exciting to stop) and that he brought her here, into our home. He showed no respect for us. I think he was thinking with his dick and was just easiest place as I was working away. Again not excusing at all as I’m horrified.

Your gut is right. This is so far into unforgivable. In your home? Yeah. No. You will never be happy there with him again. And rightly so.

What has he done to reassure you apart from crocodile tears? Has he done anything himself or just said will do what you want (cowards way out)? How do you know he doesn’t just want to stay for ease/kids assuming is over with her?

Am so sorry you are at this point and know is not easy with children.

I don’t think I could stay with anyone that did this to me. I can imagine it would be almost impossible to trust him again, I would hate being with someone that made you question everything, wondering where he is every time he goes out, wanting to check his phone etc…, do you really want to live like that?
There’s a very high chance he will do this again to you, it’s just a waiting game. You deserve better and you don’t deserve to be with someone that you can’t trust, someone that brought another women into your home to have sex?

I don’t believe for one minute he’s telling the truth about how many times he had sex with her, who has an affair for a year and only has sex twice? He’s telling you what he feel he has too, the least he can get away with.

I don't think I could ever move past it. I would drive myself mad wondering if or when it would happen again.

Also the bit about appreciating you after COVID lockdown.
Surely if he learnt anything about you he’d have learned it through the guilt of what he did to you, instead of going back to the ow time and time again.
It wasn’t just sex, the kissing and messaging just makes it so much worse. He knew what he was doing and he chose her instead of you.
I couldn’t forgive that, ever.

I echo others he's still lying only you can decide to stay but you will constantly be looking over your back and wonder when he's late or in a meeting.