Just found out about past affair

[Alloverplaceagain]

And don’t know how to move on.

Recently found evidence DH of 13 years had affair with colleague. It went on throughout 2019 and finished/was forced to finish because of lockdown and has been zero contact since.

I had suspicions at the time, confronted both but was gaslighted and told in my head. Dh has now come clean on all - every dirty detail. They had sex twice, once at our home when I was away, once in a hotel at lunchtime (she paid for).

There were daily, sometimes multiple daily meets for lunch etc with lots of kissing.

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair.

2020 was transformative for us. Much better relationship. He wants us to build on that, I think I do too.

We have two children and many years together but he deceived me for a year.

Have made him get full std checks, I told her husband (poor bastard had no clue), they have children also.

Any advice on even attempting to move past this? Is such a head fuck to find out (a long time) after the event.

OP first and foremost - don't rush. Take your time to absorb it, time to have a really serious think about where you want this to go. Keep it going or end it?

Allow yourself to reflect on whether you can really forgive, and if not exactly forget, put it to out of your mind day to day. Could you trust him again? Or if he was late home from work, if you were out of the house, would there always be a niggle in the back of your mind?

Tell him you need time. You need to process the shock, the lies, the gaslighting. And when you've decided what you want to do (his wishes at this point are irrelevant), you'll let him know. And as a side effect, his reaction to you saying you need time will tell you a lot about his sincerity and his 'he'll do anything'.

@SleepingBunnies21

your silly judgement

From what you appear to be advocating, you really shouldn't be banding around the words "silly judgement".

You can post whatever opinion you like - and so can I.

You are though making judgement of the OP and her decision to stay. It is her decision to make and she has received no end of disparaging remarks.

If you think that pontificating the way you do is fair then, by all means, but I'll carry on as I am and hold the opinions that I choose. I really don't care what you think about anything really.

Thank you. I have changed my settings @SunshineCake1

I appreciate all the opinions as helping me really taking stock of situation. I’m not a doormat. I’m someone who is working through 18+ years (inc premarriage) and the impact on two children before coming to a conclusion.

I do appreciate and value all thoughts.

I also feel numb with no idea to know what I want. How do I start to make a decision on something I had no control over.

I’m financially solvent, as is he. The kids would want to spend more time with me. But the 18 years had a lot of good in them. That’s where my head is at now. Yes he is an utter utter bastard but is there anything to stay for. I have respect for myself - it may not seem that way but I do. I had terrible low self esteem but has got better. I don’t know what I want as didn’t know I didn’t have it - if that makes sense. Nothing makes much sense actually!

I never heard of that woman who gives lectures/writes books on helping women to stay married to cheaters, does she also tell men to stay married to cheaters. Why would anyone encourage anyone to stay married to someone who has gaslighted a person trying to make them believe they are losing their mind, to a liar and a narcissist and a selfish dick. This is not about empowering women at all. I think the OP should have separate counselling and time apart and then she can make her own decision as each woman's/man's relationship is different. Hard to make a decision when her husband is in her ear all the time playing husband of the year.

@Alloverplaceagain

I would recommend going to relationship counselling alone to explore your own feelings around this with someone who has no emotional involvement.

Ultimately the decision has to be your own because you are the one living with it but it is not a decision you have to make and stick to right now.

To op I think time away even with your folks for a week to think clearly and you will see things clearly then. Understand your confusion and all the good times. But you have to think what do you want for yourself for now and the future. Do not let him decide. So difficult and really feel for you now. Just put yourself first and once you are happy with your decision move forward. You will be ok and also your children as you sound lovely. But you need to find what you want in life. Sending you hugs and strength. xx

Thanks @Ourchristmasmiracle I plan to do this also

I have only read your posts, OP, but I can guess that you will get a lot of people telling you to leave and saying that if you don't leave you are deluded, etc.

I have been through something similar, but worse. My experience is that it takes a long time and is a painful process, but that if both of you want to stay together, you can do it in the end. In my case, it took about 3 years to accept what happened in my marriage and feel like I can start again with my husband. You will not get over this (and 'forgive' him) in a week or a month (or possibly even a year). You will never completely get over it, and I don't think it is really about 'forgiveness': more about acceptance and change. This process will change the marriage, but not necessarily for the worse. You may end up with a more honest and a more sincere relationship, but only if both of you are able and willing to really talk and get to know one another better. I don't know if it is worth it in your case, but don't let anyone else dictate that to you, especially not strangers on the internet, with a whole host of private agendas.

Still not accepting PMs @Alloverplaceagain.

Thanks @IrishMel. I know the decision is mine. I have asked him to tell me why I should stay, not that he gets to make up my mind. I don’t get to tel him what to do either. If he doesn’t want to stay, I’m not begging him.

I’ve had an extremely difficult few years. (Bereavement - lost of second parent at your age, another very personal issue pre affair that led to an almost breakdown for me) and now this.

I just want to protect my kids but also to love and be loved and am working out if can get that from what I have now

So sorry you are in this position through absolutely no fault of your own.

A few of the senior men I used to work with were shaggers. They were all married with kids but would serially date young women. Most of the men were not like this and were decent but a minority were. Their wives mostly knew but turned a blind eye or did not know. Guess it’s your call if you can live like that. I don’t think I could tbh. The men that were like this did not change. If the wife found out they would behave for a while then go back to their old ways only more careful. Made me pretty cynical tbh.

You are probably in that hysterical bonding phase you so want everything to be ok so you are clinging to each other.

@ZombieEthel

2020 may have been 'transformative' for your relationship but that's because a) you were unaware of his deceit and b) lockdown meant he wouldn't have been able to see her for sex. So he channelled his energy and affection to you instead. Your happiness since then has been built on a lie.

From what you describe, it sounds like he was quite happy to make you feel like you were going mad (gaslighting) and happy to have sex with his lover in the home you raise your children in. I couldn't move on from a partner who not only lied and cheated on me, but made me feel I was in the wrong for suspecting. That's incredibly cruel.

I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation. I think you need plenty of time to deal with the shock and to consider your options. Put your happiness, your needs, first above his. Good luck OP.

This.

But also, give yourself time to properly consider everything - no need to make rash decisions.

I would continue discussing it with him and monitor his reactions. If you tell him how he has made you feel, IMO it is incredibly telling in how a partner responds. Obviously he or you can't change what he has done, but how he reflects and reacts upon your feelings and you conversing with him on these difficult topics could really be the nail in the coffin either way.

Do you 'trust' him now? Do you see a future with him? Was your sex life better at the time you found out? Is he a 'different person' now or could he do this again? My chief issue is that he clearly doesn't know how to communicate with you - would you be worried that, if the relationship went through troubles in the future - he would react by seeking another affair? If so, the basics of communication between you two need to be figured out so that if there is any disjoint in the relationship (i.e. one person is not honouring the others bids for attention, one is feeling distant, etc) these things can be talked about early on before someone takes a desperate decision to have an affair.

Fundamentally, that is what would be guiding my decision.

Good luck OP

In your home? Nah.... end it.

Also I am willing to bet he is 'undersharing' here. Sorry I know you don't want to hear that but I do speak from experience.

He will not tell you everything and I'm willing to bet my house on the line it was more than twice OP.

I’m successfully reconciled. It’s possible.

I have read many books and watched many videos and imho I wouldn’t touch Esther perel with a barge pole. She is NOT for everyone.

OP I’m so sorry, I know it really hurts. I completely understand where you are right now.

On my journey I found first before I could make any decisions I needed to heal myself. I was in tremendous pain, I needed individual counselling. I had PTSD with a range of nasty symptoms.

Once I’d started to see more clearly I based my movement forward on what actually made me happiest. We don’t all share the same priorities or are driven by the same things in life, it’s important to realise that when reading the responses here.

My husband meanwhile read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and ‘not just friends’ he then put all the actions into practise. I do trust him, as much as I’d trust anyone now. But I trust myself most.

And for me there’s an important distinction between forgiveness and acceptance. I realised that I will never forgive my husband but I can accept that it is part of our marriage.

Whatever you decide, and no one would judge you for walking, it’s important to realise that NONE of this was your fault. This was his selfishness and entitlement to more! He needs to work on why he’s so lost at his core.

Good luck

Why would anyone encourage anyone to stay married to someone who has gaslighted a person trying to make them believe they are losing their mind, to a liar and a narcissist and a selfish dick. This is not about empowering women at all.

It's lucrative.

Drug dealing is too.

You say you believe him about the amount of times they had sex but how can you be so sure? If he has lied to you the way he has then surely he is capable of lying about that too. I find it almost impossible to believe they only did it twice in all that time.
It is one hell of a deceit to get over and at the end of the day only you know if you can do it/whether it is worth it. Things will never be the same again for you as a couple even if you do forgive him.

I don't think 2019 is historical enough, to be honest. I also wouldn't believe they only had sex twice.

At the moment OP you have been shocked and blindsided and are still seeing him with the same view as you had before you knew about this. Before you knew about this you presumably trusted and believed every word he said, quite naturally.
Don’t. You now know he’s capable of saying anything to you in order to be able to pursue what he wants.
If discovery has been a shock to him and he doesn’t want to lose you, he will slip straight into self preservation mode and try to make it look nowhere near as bad as it was. He will tell you exactly what he thinks you want to hear, watch your reactions to see what he can get away with and rely on the fact that your mindset is still one of trust.
You don’t think he could continue to lie now you know everything. He can, he’s panicking and wants to stay with you so he’s telling you it was only x or y and only z times.
It beggars belief that a man who could bring his mistress into the family home for sex only had sex twice with her in a year, despite frequent snogging sessions and enjoying the excitement of it. He gives you the gory details of the stuff he thinks is undeniable or that he thinks you’ll cope with, to make you think he’s prepared to tell you everything.
I know this is what they do because it happened to me and friends of mine whose husbands had affairs, and in just about every thread I’ve read on here. The discovery prompts a hastily constructed potted version then over time it grows.
Sorry OP. Wish that wasn’t true but it usually is and as you get over the shock and desire to believe him, you’ll start to question more. Take care of yourself. X

Dear Op really understand what you have been through as a lot of loss here also and have a family member very ill at the moment. Life can be so hard at times. You know though the good thing is you just have to look after yourself for now, counselling would be great as help you heal from all the pain. Just take each day at a time and please look after yourself. Thinking of you xx

Just to also add OP, happy to chat through further by private message as have been through something incredibly similar..

Being gaslit is a 'no' from me. How can trust ever be recovered if you know your most intimate partner is prepared to make you mistrust your own instincts in order to cover up their deceptions. Its unconscionable.

I stayed with my long term partner, after his affair- things were never the same but I wanted to make it work... more fool me... he did it again- your husband has crossed a line.. if you forgive him then you are giving him license to do it again when he feels like...because he’s basically got away with the behaviour.