Just found out about past affair

[Alloverplaceagain]

And don’t know how to move on.

Recently found evidence DH of 13 years had affair with colleague. It went on throughout 2019 and finished/was forced to finish because of lockdown and has been zero contact since.

I had suspicions at the time, confronted both but was gaslighted and told in my head. Dh has now come clean on all - every dirty detail. They had sex twice, once at our home when I was away, once in a hotel at lunchtime (she paid for).

There were daily, sometimes multiple daily meets for lunch etc with lots of kissing.

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair.

2020 was transformative for us. Much better relationship. He wants us to build on that, I think I do too.

We have two children and many years together but he deceived me for a year.

Have made him get full std checks, I told her husband (poor bastard had no clue), they have children also.

Any advice on even attempting to move past this? Is such a head fuck to find out (a long time) after the event.

He wants to be with you again whilst your relationship is a well and dandy. What about when you go through a rough patch again, which in life is inevitable? What if the sex starts to dwindle or he starts to be an arse and you communicate less. You will always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he has taken to finding it better somewhere else.

A hardship in a relationship is no excuse to cheat. He should of been working ten times harder to resolve whatever issues were going on between the two of you not the times harder on ANOTHER WOMAN.

OP if you dont draw a line with this then where will it end? You've let him get away with this without even taking anytime out to be angry or think on things. He knows what he can do and get away with. At least dont be so quick as to forgive. He needs to be earning and proving alot before you jump straight back into things

I really feel for you, OP. You will be in shock right now so, as others have said, don't make any hasty decisions.

Funnily enough my now ex-husband told me it was sex 'just twice' too (in an 18 month affair!). He was lying.

He also brought her (someone I thought was a close friend so a double betrayal) into our house and shagged her there. He said not in our bed, but no doubt he was lying about that too.

I too find it hard to believe that your husband is a good partner in all other respects. I'm sure, when you look back, you'll see other incidents where he's been a nasty, selfish bastard.

Have a look at the chumplady website, she knows it all

You can only do what you, ultimately decide is best for you.

But there's no rush. And tell him that. You haven't made your mind up.

I do understand that as things have been alot better, it feels like throwing all that good stuff away.

But what happens when lockdowns have been over for a few years, you fall into old habits, can't spend the same amount if time together?

Will he shag someone in your home again? The hotel seemed seedy? But yours house (your bed?) Didn't. His interest was making sure his sex with another womans wasn't tainted by seedings......so had sex with her in your home? Total disrespect.

They then, both abused you by gaslighting you.

That's not a marriage going through a tough spot. You will always know, that there's that person inside him. The one that will conspire with his bit on the side to abuse you and completely disrespect you, so he enjoys sex with OW more.

That's why you are struggling. Because he didn't just have a one night stand. He lied for months, he tried to blame you and say it was in your head. He violated your home and hid it all from you during the period you were reconnecting and getting back on track.

The person you have reconnected with, is only one part of him. This amazing man that you feel so close to, was lying to you the whole time. He was with holding massive detail.

A bad patch, isn't an excuse for what he did.

If I were you, given he has been lying since, I wouldn't believe he could never do this to me again.

if you are willing to step down off moral high Horse which it sounds like you are and accept responsibility for each other's needs in a marriage.

This is so bad, it's actually funny.

I’m not sure why people are fixating on the number of times they had sex. To be honest I find kissing more intimate than sex and there was lots of that, no doubt with lots of gushing patter too!

If you want to give it a go then that’s your decision. I’m not sure why a Woman’s default often tends to be to forgive. I’m not sure men would be as forgiving if the shoe was on the other foot.

He'd be dead to me.

I'd never be able to trust him again, let him touch me, want to touch him.

It's shitting on your love, your trust, your shared history, and any future.

I'm sure you're quite shocked and stunned at the moment. It's your husband, not mine obvs. Give yourself time to absorb what's happened and then decide. Hugs

Hi OP
Do you want to Private Message me as my story is exactly the same as yours although i'm 18 months further on?

Sex in your house…ouch!

I’d leave, you will be dangled until the next exciting women comes along.

Once a cheater always a cheater, it’s just what can they get away with.

Thing is, you’ll now spend the rest of your life on best behaviour so that he doesn’t go off tomcatting and gaslighting again. It’s no way to live.

You don't say how long you've 'known' but you have had suspicions for a while.

There's a peculiar sense of.. relief? validation? calm? security? when you find out your suspicions were right and the unknown fear becomes the known reality, I'm not sure of the best way to describe it, it almost feels like you're on solid ground again.

But that feeling of confidence that you know what went on and understand it, may not last and you will be thrown into the depths of despair, rage, grief, betrayal, vengeful, desperation, hatred and adoration over the coming weeks and months. That's all normal.

The ones to watch for are resentment and the total loss of trust. It will take a while for either to surface (if they do) but if you are not able to trust him (or you don't want to) or if you are left with resentment after the initial emotional battering has finished then the marriage probably won't recover long term.

Sadly the only way to 'move on' is to get through the emotional battering, you can't avoid the anguish or the inevitable obsessive thinking about it, you have to plough through it.

Good luck

I’m so sorry for you but I don’t think he is telling you all the truth.
I couldn’t live with this especially having sex in your own house.
Wishing you well for the future 💐

When the title said past, i thought thought was going to be years and years ago; it's only a couple of years ago, not long ago; and you've only just really found out.

You're still in shock, I'd imagine. And will be going through a range of emotions and viewpoints for a long while to come. It's still very very early days. You don't have to, in fact you most definitely shouldn't, make a decisions right now.

And he has no right to/doesn't deserve any decisions now.

He has never going to tell you if you hadn't found more/different evidence and questioned him again. He was going to let you.contibue on, in the dark. Avd that's not even getting onto the lying and gas lighting during the affair.

Thank you all. I had expected a lot of LTb and yes he is a total B.

Coming to terms with things and trying to process is beyond difficult.

Am I - have sent a pm

Your home should be the one place in the world where you can feel safe and secure. He definitely has crossed that boundary, violated your home, and annihilated your safe space.
Putting aside all the other issues, I would be examining why he chose this course of action, as there are lots and lots of places one can go to to have illicit sex (was he never a teenager FFS?!).
Putting aside the morality surrounding the affair for a moment, it is obvious that more ethical options were available to him in terms of the venue in which he chose to conduct his cheating, at least.

What would worry me about his choice of venue is that it displays a total lack of regard for your security and a total lack of respect for you as a human being deserving of a home in which you can feel safe.

I would be very wary of his displays of remorse. I've been there, and they can be very persuasive (because they are genuine, I am sure, in your case and in many cases post-discovery). But is he remorseful because he now knows he massively eff'ed up, i.e. feeling sorry for himself and kicking himself for being so utterly stupid, rather than feeling genuine compassion for you, OP?

OP - can you confirm that he is having counselling because it's not unknown for people to lie about this and use 'what the therapist said' as a way of manipulating other people's behaviour. "My therapist says it's time for you to move on, I've apologised and it's unreasonable for you to [X]."

It wasn't that long ago at all.

It stopped through no virtue of his own. He didn't feel guilty or change his mind. Only a global pandemic.

You're a doormat. Sorry.

I'm sorry for you, OP, it must have blind-sided you completely.

If lockdown had never happened, would it still be going on? You'll never know the answer to that one - and your husband is not truthful, however he is now painting himself. That length of time is a relationship, not a fling. Active and sustained deceit.

Your husband brought this woman to your home. I can't imagine what things he is telling you to make this ok for you? Knowing you and how it would affect you realising all the things this woman has seen and touched. She's encroached on your home - and he made this happen. I agree with other posters that this is the worst thing.
I was an OW myself once, (I was single, he wasn't). As selfish as I was, there's not a chance that I would have gone to his house because as far as I was concerned, that's the family home, end of story.

He's taken your marriage and tainted it. There's no getting back what you had, only 'drawing a hard line' and doing your best to carry on with it.

I agree with the suggestions that you do what feels best for you right now. If it were me, I'd not entertain it but, that doesn't mean that way is the right way. If you're determined to make a go of it (for now) then for your own sanity, get some legal advice behind you as to how to extricate yourself as quickly as possible should you decide you want to do that later on.

@Savingsun7

I’m not sure why people are fixating on the number of times they had sex. To be honest I find kissing more intimate than sex and there was lots of that, no doubt with lots of gushing patter too!

If you want to give it a go then that’s your decision. I’m not sure why a Woman’s default often tends to be to forgive. I’m not sure men would be as forgiving if the shoe was on the other foot.

People are fixating on it because he has told her they had sex twice. If it was a hundred, or he genuinely had lost count he should be honest with her from the outset. If she finds out down the line he hasn't been truthful with her it puts the whole recovery process back to square one. He is trying to carefully manage the situation - admit the least you can get away with.

As to why women forgive more than men? They're usually the ones that have the most to lose if the marriage ends if they have children, lower income, limited earning capacity (due to childcare), little savings. Personally I was completely financially independent of my STBXH so after his second affair (we limped on for 3 years after the first) it was much easier to end things. Had I relied on him for a roof over mine and my child's heads, looking at years of claiming benefits or working my fingers to the bone in a NMW job because I'd been out of the job market for years I might have decided to put up and shut up.

I honestly wouldn't believe in a year they had sex twice. Not a chance. If he's willing to do it in your home he's almost certainly done it elsewhere too.

I think he’s telling you the bare minimum, damage limitation mode n all that. I also, like most pp, think he had sex more than twice in a year with OW.
He bought her to your home, your bed, then continually gaslighted you into believing you were crazy when you rightly suspected something was up . The disrespect he has shown you is staggering.
I could never believe another word out of his mouth and for the reasons above, would rather be happily single than spend another day with a someone like that.

I’m so with you OP— I found the fact it was a past thing really hard too, as it’s too long ago to process the ‘where did he say he was that day’ kind of shit that goes on in your head and the fact we had some very good times after ‘that period’ - whilst all the time he knew in his head what he had done. In a way I think it’s easier to make a decision if it’s an ongoing/recent thing.

NutellaEllaElla, you're calling the OP a 'doormat'? That's just putting the boot in.

He's a liar, it was more than twice. It's a common tactic that they say, once here and once there, twice only. My ex said the same. I think it's to cover their bases in case they slip up and say "when we were at the hotel" or "when she was here". He can say that he'd already told you about her being there or the hotel. But in reality, they've done it many more times. Rat.

OP It is your marriage and only you really know what life with this man is like and if it is worth saving knowing what you know.

I went skiing with my children one half term and my husband brought another woman to our home and shagged her in my bed. He was also a liar and denied doing it but I knew he had. My marriage was a disaster anyway and a relief when he went.
You have to decide if your life would be better without him or not and we can't decide that for you.
What I do think is that he has not told you everything, but then again sex with another women once or ten times? What's the difference??

So he stopped because he was forced to and only did it because you two weren't having sex, but only had sex twice in a year? Yeah. Right. This woman may be done and dusted but you can bet she won't be the last.