Just found out about past affair

[Alloverplaceagain]

And don’t know how to move on.

Recently found evidence DH of 13 years had affair with colleague. It went on throughout 2019 and finished/was forced to finish because of lockdown and has been zero contact since.

I had suspicions at the time, confronted both but was gaslighted and told in my head. Dh has now come clean on all - every dirty detail. They had sex twice, once at our home when I was away, once in a hotel at lunchtime (she paid for).

There were daily, sometimes multiple daily meets for lunch etc with lots of kissing.

He says was excitement really, our sex life had waned and we weren’t really getting on. I agree with all this but I didn’t go and have an affair.

2020 was transformative for us. Much better relationship. He wants us to build on that, I think I do too.

We have two children and many years together but he deceived me for a year.

Have made him get full std checks, I told her husband (poor bastard had no clue), they have children also.

Any advice on even attempting to move past this? Is such a head fuck to find out (a long time) after the event.

Personally it's a deal breaker to me because I don't understand how someone can do that to someone. Like how don't they think of there partner in that moment of having sex????

If I ever cheated on my husband his face would be all I could think about, him hurting asking how could I do that to him 😩😩 it's a horrible thought. Nope I don't understand it unless you dislike your partner

Also, sex in your house - that would be a no from me. So you came home from your business trip and lay in the spot where your husband was shagging another woman shortly before? A hotel would be much, much less seedy. I think the very fact he brought her to your home shows how little he actually thinks of you.

In your house? In your bed?
That is unforgivable.

You'll be in shock now, and clinging to the thought you can get past this.
Maybe you will, but you don't have to.
Take time to work through what YOU want.

@NutellaEllaElla

It wasn't that long ago at all.

It stopped through no virtue of his own. He didn't feel guilty or change his mind. Only a global pandemic.

You're a doormat. Sorry.

Really, this is all of it.

You can stay if you want, obviously but you're a fool if you do.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

She won't be the last. You only know about it because he got caught and things are good now as he couldn't see her or other women during lockdown.

They only ever go into counselling once they've been caught! It's as if it's programmed into them. Maybe they're told a woman will forgive you if they go to counselling.

He brought her into your family home, where you are raising children! I think that is disgusting, disrespectful and shows the level of disregard he had for you.

I used to think that all affairs were unforgivable. But I’m old enough now to understand how they happen, and to think I that people can move past them. But it depends on the level of deceit and disrespect and also the duration of the affair. I think I’d struggle to forgive my DH bringing a woman back to my home and fucking her there. Just astonishingly arrogant and disrespectful. It really shows that he did not give a damn about you at the at point. It’s a bit gross really - “my wife is away, so you can come back to mine for a shag”.

Sympathy op. It’s dead man walking as a marriage after that though surely? Also he’s got you wrapped round his finger - obviously has the gift of the gab / puppy dog eye thing down to pat.

I think a really important thing here OP would be not to rush to any long term decisions and to have individual counselling - that, if you can afford it could last as long as you like. This would then be a safe space to bring anger, resentment, questions and have someone netural and calm to talk to.

A couple of things do stand out as particuarlly awful - bringing her to your home and also the 'too exciting to stop' when you confronted him. just awful.

I know people do move on from affairs but it's such an incredible level of lying and disrespect for it to go on for so long.

If he was unhappy with you he could have told you that at any time - that is what a partnership is. he didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to stop. He wasn't having the affair because of problems - but because he was enjoying it.

How sad, that transformation was built on a lie.

I understand it is not that easy to just leave, especially when there are children involved. Real life is a lot more complicated and added to this you also feel an element of responsibility as the relationship wasn't good at the time.
If I was in your shoes, especially after your relationship has transformed I would really want to make it work and start again. I just don't think I could. A year is a long time to lie to someone, bringing her to your house as others have said shows a callous disregard for you and your family and also the bare faced lying. Not many can lie directly to your face. My DH is no prince and would easily lie by omission but I don't think he has ever lied to my face before. If he did I don't think I could ever trust him again.
The problem is if you try for a few years and it doesn't work you are that much older in terms of starting again and the guilt he feels now will have waned which will most likely mean a far less generous settlement.

I think that some people can eventually recover, from the shock and hurt factor, of a partner,who has had an affair. You can also do this, without having any hate for the people concerned. Hating people, is only doing more harm than good to oneself.

If someone has broken all trust for the person who is left hurt, you have to get into conversations , as to why all this has happened. Usually, there are a few reasons why people stray, and people have to be honest about all things together.

I have been in this situation, many many years ago, and recovery is possible.

I'm afraid there is no self-respecting way past this.
You will never properly trust him again so yours will not be a healthy relationship.

Hi OP, I’ve been in a very similar position to you, though it was an emotional affair I discovered. We too were having issues when it happened, it ended on its own accord and we grew stronger as a couple before I found out. But it is so difficult and confusing to find out something so devastating when you’re in a good place, because you want to hate him, but the last year has shown you how amazing he can be.
Posters who are saying he’s still lying or to LTB are not helpful, you’ve obviously decided to believe him and stay with him, and again I can relate to that. Yes he cheated, yes he was disrespectful, and yes you’ll be heartbroken, but you already know that, it’s the next bit that’s tricky to work out.
I’m over 18 months on from finding out and I am finally (only just) feeling much better day to day. There were months on end when I felt I’d never be happy again, with or without him.

It’s like that Love actually quote ‘you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too’ I felt that so hard. I felt like my hobbies and interests were boring and stupid, the way I looked and dressed was boring etc etc. I went to therapy and tried to live for myself a bit, we went on romantic weekends away just the two of us, he bought me gifts and did the washing up, but really the only thing that will work is time and consistency.
You need a lot of time and he needs to consistently show you he would never take you for granted again. Maybe he doesn’t have passwords on his phone anymore, or he makes sure you’re 100% comfortable about him going for work drinks and be understanding if you aren’t. You’ll find things that make you feel better bit by bit, and just the fact he’s trying will also help, but it is hard.
Remember that you’re allowed to have bad days and really bad days, but you’re also allowed to have good days too. Good luck

I agree with Bimbly and some other PPs. I think affairs can be forgivable. But there's a lot about this that's very nasty (i) it lasted a whole year with what sounds like more or less daily meetings; (ii) it ended because of lockdown; (iii) he fucked her in your bed; (iv) he and she gaslit you about it; and so on. How did she even come to have the chance to deny it to your face? Did your H ask her to do that? But somehow what stands out most to me is the fact that you suspected and he just lied repeatedly: so much dishonesty and callousness. For that whole year, he clearly didn't give a flying fuck about you or your relationship.

And now he wants to rush you into forgiving him and saying it doesn't matter. As PP have said - you're allowed to take your own sweet time over how you deal with this. You can change your mind daily. You can make clear to him that you don't yet know whether your relationship can continue. And if you decide to try to make a go of it now, you can change your mind 1, 2 or 5 years from now and say you just can't get beyond what happened. Just don't let him push you into anything. Do what's right for you.

In the interests of full disclosure - my DH and I have had periods of open relationship - very little used but not entirely unused. Some relationships, like ours, can in certain circumstances accommodate involvement with a third party. But such an arrangement has to be very consciously entered into and my DH and I had a very long journey before we got to the place where that felt like a thing we wanted to do. It was not the destination we were heading for when we set out and we ended up there by chance. But none of that applies to your relationship and it wouldn't apply to most. There was no open or honest discussion between you. There was no attempt on his part to mend the problems in your marriage. There was just huge dishonesty and a relationship with another woman for a whole year which was brought to an end for reasons outside his control.

So sorry for what you are going through. I wouldn’t want that in my life, and I could never feel the same way about him so I would cut my losses. Fwiw, I do think bringing someone into the family home shows a particular level of contempt not just for your marriage but also for the children. It’s convenient for him to say there was nothing else with no one else but unfortunately the reality is that you will never know.

It takes time to process this kind of thing. My first H did very similar, and it took me four years to leave him. Mind you, he did not really change his behaviour, he kept on getting drunk and fawning over other women in front of me, and I finally snapped and left him. It will take you as long as it takes.

I think if you can look past this, then that's very brave of you to do so.

I can come at this from a different angle. My Dad was repeated unfaithful to my Mum, but Mum couldn't bear to leave..... she got angry at him, made him suffer, then came the hysterical bonding and forgiveness. Then when the coast was clear, he'd start again. And the cycle repeated.

Don't stay for your kids, because they really won't thank you. It took me years to open up to DH and share the horror of my childhood. And even longer to let my guard fully down and be loved. It was a toxic childhood and one I've never fully shaken free of.

I'm really sorry he's put you in this position

'Thanks all. We have been over the number times of sex point. The answer is that the hotel was deemed seedy and the kissing was exciting enough.'

This sentence bothers me. Too seedy for what? Their beautiful lovemaking? Their precious relationship? Wasn't too seedy in your home, was it?

It may well have been twice, btw. I know for a fact (from reading messages) that my bloke's affair lasted about four months, and they had sex once - I could see the build-up, the week of the sex, and the subsequent references to it. But that's not really the issue. It's not much less of a betrayal.

Also - you're absolutely entitled to hate her. All this 'your husband is the betrayer' bs drives me spare. No. She sought you out to lie. She enjoyed the deception. She came into your home. She's a cunt - as is he.

I was in the same position last year. 17 years ago I thought my husband was having an affair, turned out I was right but it took him all those years to confess. In the end he couldn't keep it hidden from me. Like you I was devastated, angry, upset. I had counselling and now I just accept that's what happened. I will never forgive him though. It still is so painful but we have worked together so hard to try and make it work.

Urghh, bringing her to your home, so disgusting and disrespectful.

I've been that soilder, and no I coudlnt forgive and move on, and Yes, I'm 100% happier divorced.

As PP have said above, things are good now, but all marriages go through ups and downs, his solution to a down period is to cheat, lie, and sully your home. Yuck....

I'm sorry OP, but the key issue for me is that he is still lying. I would believe an emotional affair with kissing etc over sex just twice. Especially a he had no shame bringing her into your home - so it's not like he was fussy about where they did it. So he's still trying to minimise it.

I'd like to be wrong, but I really don't think I am.

@NutellaEllaElla

It wasn't that long ago at all.

It stopped through no virtue of his own. He didn't feel guilty or change his mind. Only a global pandemic.

You're a doormat. Sorry.

Wouldn't necessarily say doormat, but yes, OP, you appear to be too willing to accept what he's saying when he's a proven liar.

A year long affair and they only had sex twice? And one of those times in your house, your own room?

No way, they slept together more than that, and the fact that the OW went so far as to call you to lie to you directly is a dead giveaway that they have far more to hide.

The affair only finished because it was forced. I reckon it would otherwise still be ongoing.

And this is enough for me to say the marriage can't be healed while he's still lying. He needs to be totally honest about what went on in the affair (including all the sex), and also prove to you that he's genuinely having counselling. This is about showing you the respect that he's so far failed to give you.

And you need counselling, too. Don't rush into forgiving him until you've really worked your feelings out with a counsellor and he's given full disclosure. As another poster commented, if he decides to tell you more later on, you'll feel even worse and be back at square one, or worse, because then he'll have proved he carried on lying to you.

The whole point of most affairs is the sex I had an emotional affair and rarely had sex or even met up during the years at the end. Lots of declarations of love were made......

I would bet my house they had sex more times than that. It's absolutely typical to "tell you everything" and make it sound convincing but it's actually massively minimised.

As others have said, it kind of doesn't matter how many times in itself, but the fact that I couldn't know if he was really being truthful would do my head in. That and him lying before and blaming "your head". Also classic.

I know you've said you don't want anything to do with her but I'd be wanting to get her side of the story myself!

You've just found out, so while the decision is up to you, I'd give yourself time to let it sink in. You don't have to commit to any particular course of action immediately. (Hug) and for you.