Frustrated by men's low standards

[coronaway]

I'm getting increasingly frustrated by men's seemingly low standards when it comes to what they want in a partner and wondered if others had this issue and how they dealt with it? Sorry this may come across a bit ranty...

I think I bring a lot to a relationship (not to sound big headed). I'm very active/fit, switched on, good career, interested in others etc. I'm looking to date someone around my age or a bit older (max 10 years) who is similar to me.

I find it really hard to find someone and if I do it never really progresses. Someone I was very briefly dating has called it a day (we weren't exclusive, only just started dating) so I'm back to square one. For whatever reason it never works out and it's so demoralising as there are few men I find attractive enough to want to date in the first place. What makes it more frustrating is these men don't seem to care much about their dates career, if she is fit, slim etc From what I can see they don't seem to care about much at all. It seems if a woman shows enough interest in them then that is enough.

Why do men who seemingly have a lot to offer have such low standards? I don't understand it! What do I have to do to find someone who I like and is willing to commit?

Urghh it's so demoralising. I've been on the wine tonight so not sure I'm really articulating what I mean but I wanted to vent!

Also to add - when men are willing to commit and upfront they are a lot easier to date with a view to an LTR as they want the same things and faff about less. The relationship progresses or if not is cut off ASAP.
When they aren't there's a lot of tailing off /general non-progression. Again if they were upfront the other party could just cut their losses.

@ButterflyAway

Oh look, a man has come to announce his opinion.

Unlike many of the 'man here' posts I thought this one was relevant and probably pretty accurate to what many men faced with dating the OP are thinking.

High quality men behave like decent humans. Speak to women like humans, let you know if it won't work out, etc.

Sounds like a long-winded way of saying "do what I like" and attempting to couch it in the language of commodification for some strange reason.

A woman is a human. Any way a man speaks to you is how he speaks to humans by definition. The way that most people speak to people they want to have sex with is not how they speak to most people.

What do you even mean by "lets you know if it won't work out"?
Are you dating the offspring of Mystic Meg?

It's not so much high or low standards but different ones. Those older guys always seem to be acting like they're running out of time so want to keep fishing till they find someone to dote on them and offer sex on tap. You need to work your way through this chaff until you find the genuine ones who do exist but are rarer.

High quality men behave like decent humans.

Should it not be the minimum requirement rather than what ‘high quality’ men do??

@Winniemarysarah

Men have such low standards that they don’t like you when you’re apparently perfect?

I think there’s something in this this, you may come across as self absorbed. Is your career and fitness that impressive?

I’ve never found this with any man I have dated.

Maybe it’s about raising your own standards and not dating men who aren’t interested in the first place.

As another poster said what I meant was men seem to be far less discriminatory when it comes to dating than women. My pool of potential suitors is very small whereas men's are very large (on the whole). This is frustrating as if it was more equal it would be easier to find a partner.

Another issue is as I've gotten older (now 40) I'm getting more picky not less which is reducing the pool even further.

Some may say I should just be less picky but I don't want to be with someone I'm not attractive to - it would be pointless not to mention unfair on the other person.

OP these mean are looking for a life partner, not a business partner!
Your language around the subject of dating is just wrong, from beginning till end!
You do not have to pitch yourself here.
They are looking for someone fun, easy going, easy to communicate with, with who they can have a conversation, about anything, or sit in silence if that is the mood. Someone to enjoy going out with, getting excited to see at the end of the day.
And if things go well, and feelings deepen, then they will start to look into how good a wife/ mother/ long term partner, and deeper compatibilities.
When you say that mean are interested in women that find them interesting, there you are 100% right! If their way to speak, move, carry themselves, sense of humour can keep you amused, and asking for more during a date, then that is a starter indeed.
Who would want to sit in a bar after a long day at work talking about how much they bring to the relationship? It is like har work, yet again!
Just relax, be yourself, judge the men for their sense of humour and manners. Just go on a date for a fun, good time!
You make it sound too hard....

Men! No mean. No idea why it says mean twice!

What makes it more frustrating is these men don't seem to care much about their dates career, if she is fit, slim etc From what I can see they don't seem to care about much at all. It seems if a woman shows enough interest in them then that is enough.

The first bit sounds a bit like a job interview. The second bit is more like it, do they show interest in them, I'd add are fun to be with. I doubt thats just a man trait I suspect most of us want someone who shows interest in them and is fun. Interest in your career etc can come along once you've built that relationship.

There are Olympians, senior execs in all careers, very successful celebrities, surgeons, entrepreneurs etc around the world who have all found partners.... So no, 'men' don't have low standards. OR every high achieving, attractive woman would be single. It's just that you haven't found a reciprocal relationship yet.

Sorry you are struggling OP. But have you considered that most men don't date a CV, they date a personality. And if you are not finding anyone, maybe some serious introspection is required on whether you make a good partner. What reasons do men give when ending things with you?

I have some friends who are smart, successful, well traveled etc but struggle with relationships because they're quite impatient and intolerant - as a friend it doesn't bother me, but I imagine they're quite difficult to live with.

Also sometimes it's just bad luck to not have met someone - doesn't mean it won't happen, but it might take longer. In the meantime, don't fall into that bitter trope of blaming all men though, that gives off an unpleasant energy that will put off any decent man. No one wants to be around negativity after all.

You seem to be under the impression that a man has life accomplishments to be attractive to you.
Why would he care what you think of those things ? He may have been there and done that for himself. His only interest may just be whether he likes you and what YOU stand for.

@TintinIsBack

High quality men behave like decent humans.

Should it not be the minimum requirement rather than what ‘high quality’ men do??

No. Sadly not. We are humans.

One last thing In my experience its better to get the sex out of the way as soon as possible

God loves a tryer

OP, with respect, I think you are thinking about this the wrong way.

You appear to be thinking that men on OLD will be long term matches because they match what you are looking for.

The reality is that OLD is more like the old slow dance in a night club before they switch the lights on.

How many of us who are of a certain age lived through that period and had many dances with people we fancied at the time ? How many of those dances led to a second date ? How many of those second dates led to a relationship ? Then on to marriage / long term.

OLD is simply a way to do all those slow dances in a really quick period of time. The odds of having a "dance" which leads to a relationship are still minute for all the myriad reasons that they didn't when people were drunkenly swaying to "True" in the semi darkness.

You just haven't met the right person yet. It truly is a numbers game. Many nice and decent men you meet will not want to take things further with you because of their own reasons. You will not want to take things further with many nice and decent men you meet because of your own reasons.

The trick is getting to the person who likes you and who you like before you become disheartened and fed up with the process.

You just haven't met the right guy yet ( and I am sure it sucks... ) Took me a very long time to meet the person who made me want to share my life with them. I fear that is the norm, rather than the exception. ( And for the record since she may well see this... Her looks and her mind captured me at first ( her mind was the most powerful attraction ), but her personality, kindness and approach to life and similar views on how we want our relationship to be is what made me want to be with her long term ).

@Maxmaher

As a male I’ll offer my pov I appreciate this probably does change later in life and I’m not trolling or looking to cause offence

At my age (30) Females dating value is largely derived from beauty , Males is derived from wealth / status / power / confidence although naturally most of them attributes can usually be found together

Although it is a bit grim These cornerstones have 99% of the time got to be there on both sides for the attraction and deeper connection to be able to build from , otherwise you will quickly hit a Plato and will end up having the LJBF chat or worse someone ends up cheating which is a complete waste of time for everyone.

So if you’re a woman and you are looking for a man unfortunately it doesn’t really matter what you have achieved or how wealthy you are, the number one priority is we have to be physically attracted to you
only from there can you build a solid foundation for a relationship ……I don’t think I’ve met a woman yet that doesn’t know when a man is truly attracted to her we don’t hide our intentions very well and if there's any doubts personally I will make sure she is aware.

One of the biggest mistakes i see women making in dating is trying to play games they don’t make the ones worth having want you more and any man worth his salt won’t tolerate them and will just lose interest.

One last thing In my experience its better to get the sex out of the way as soon as possible because not only do you need to find out if you are both sexually compatible you will find out a lot quicker what he really wants from you nothing worse than dragging something out for months that should really have been finished in a week.

A lot of you are correct for sex a lot of men will lower their standards because they are lazy and don’t want to have to put the work into sleep with higher quality women but this logic can’t be applied when it comes to finding a long term partner / girlfriend , it will fail miserably

You don't know much about women do you? Not if you think you can advise them to 'get the sex out of the way as quickly as possible"

Women need to feel connection before the sex is any good. Some women can enjoy a quick shag but not generally with men they're looking for a relationship with...

Yep.
I’m also wondering what @Maxmaher means by ‘playing games’.

If he means nit answering immediately to any request, not going into bed a soon as they can etc… then there might be a slight issue with his way of looking at ‘dating’.

It would be appropriate for a full on sexist/patriarchal view of women though.

I’m also wondering what @Maxmaher means by ‘playing games’.

If he means nit answering immediately to any request

'Playing games' to me would be deliberately not returning a call or text message in order to feign disinterest. I have experienced this a few times in the past where post date I have left a voice message telling the person how much I enjoyed their company and expressing an interest in going on another date. I hear nothing back. A few days later I follow up the call with a simple 'how are you etc' text message. I still hear nothing back so I assume they are not interested and I move on. Several days later I get a slightly irritated text message wondering where I had disappeared to. At the time these were 30 something women playing teenage school games, I was not that impressed. I do not expect anybody to be waiting anxiously for a call from me post date but if if you are going to pretend to not be interested do not be surprised if I conclude that you are not interested.

However, I agree the 'get the sex out of the way as quickly as possible" is a fairly odd view on things.

I'm just somewhat bemused that Maxmaher thought he, a mere man of 30, might have advice to offer to women 10-20+ years his senior. Women who may, in some cases, have been married before he was born

That he could have any insight at all in to the lives or world of men or women so much older than he.

Choccy01

I agree about the game playing tbh.

It's the message that women have got about the men must do the chasing; you can't seen to he too keen; if you're too easy to get, men won't want you; ypu'll scare him off; men like a challenge; make him feel he's missing out... it's all bollocks!

And you still see women on here advising others to do similar. Or women tying themselves up in knots to follow The Rules when it goes against their instincts...

@ButterflyAway

Oh look, a man has come to announce his opinion.

Oh dear, really unnecessary.

There are a mixture of opinions here. My male friend often asks my opinions on his dating, different perspective you see. It helps.

@LadybirdyBirdylady

I'm just somewhat bemused that Maxmaher thought he, a mere man of 30, might have advice to offer to women 10-20+ years his senior. Women who may, in some cases, have been married before he was born

That he could have any insight at all in to the lives or world of men or women so much older than he.

To be honest he sounds pretty much on the money. Age doesn't change much. I'm guessing you are well over 50? Perhaps you could enlighten us how dating in later years is so different ?