Frustrated by men's low standards

[coronaway]

I'm getting increasingly frustrated by men's seemingly low standards when it comes to what they want in a partner and wondered if others had this issue and how they dealt with it? Sorry this may come across a bit ranty...

I think I bring a lot to a relationship (not to sound big headed). I'm very active/fit, switched on, good career, interested in others etc. I'm looking to date someone around my age or a bit older (max 10 years) who is similar to me.

I find it really hard to find someone and if I do it never really progresses. Someone I was very briefly dating has called it a day (we weren't exclusive, only just started dating) so I'm back to square one. For whatever reason it never works out and it's so demoralising as there are few men I find attractive enough to want to date in the first place. What makes it more frustrating is these men don't seem to care much about their dates career, if she is fit, slim etc From what I can see they don't seem to care about much at all. It seems if a woman shows enough interest in them then that is enough.

Why do men who seemingly have a lot to offer have such low standards? I don't understand it! What do I have to do to find someone who I like and is willing to commit?

Urghh it's so demoralising. I've been on the wine tonight so not sure I'm really articulating what I mean but I wanted to vent!

You sound lovely @JustAnother0ldMan. I’m sure you will find the right person at some point.

So basically your confused as to why anyone would find someone attractive if they're not slim/fit and have a good career?

And for what it’s worth, I think just as many women as men initially go on ‘looks’ - even older women —although I think it’s slightly different in that women aren’t looking at arses, tits or hair— but rather an overall ‘look’ — however I think older women are less forgiving on a guy actually being an arse just because he looks the bees knees

Maybe because the men you speak about are fed up of being generalised and stereotyped? Perhaps careers and looks means nothing as far as A relationship goes?
When I was younger and slimmer, I attracted those that valued that. They were not relationship types-they wanted something pretty on their arm to show off. I'm older, fatter and whilst still brush up well, defo not to the same standard, and I have been in my relationship the last 10 years.

However if you see your bets values as attractive and fit, then perhaps you need to work on yourself first before attracting the right person

Er, not giving a shit about how slim you are is not a 'low standard'

What makes it more frustrating is these men don't seem to care much about their dates career, if she is fit, slim etc From what I can see they don't seem to care about much at all. It seems if a woman shows enough interest in them then that is enough

Did you really mean to say 'why is it that fat and poorer women have men that love them when I'm a far better person and don't?'

If you are wealthy, fit, independent, young, know what you want from life and prepared to do whatever it takes to get it, then it would appear that the only thing that's not working for them must be your personality not working for them. It might be that they're looking at it in an equally transactional manner and you aren't as high value to them as you believe (maybe age, looks, breeding potential/risk) - or they're looking for the kinder, softer things such as feeling like they can be vulnerable around you, being able to talk about random stuff, or whether they get the feeling that you won't break their heart and dump them if they lose their hair or job.

I think far more men that is commonly admitted are actually hoping for somebody who loves them and whom they can love rather than an advantageous financial and biological investment. And if they aren't getting that feeling from you, then they're moving on.

Do you think most men are looking for something different ?

I think most men, like most women, seek a raft of attributes in a potential long term partner. Those attributes at a guess would include things like honesty, humour, confidence, intelligence, generosity, kindness, sportiness, easy going etc. Lets be honest, a relationship where you don't share any of the above is not exactly going to last very long. If a man or a woman is looking for a casual short term fling then many of those attributes might be overlooked and physical looks may take more of a precedence. I appreciate I may be living in some unusual bubble but most of my male friends have a bit more ambition insofar as looking for a bit more then just 'tits' and 'arse' in a partner and I see some of the posts here as just regurgitating lazy tropes because it will get a pavlovian applause from the usual suspects.

My DH didn't want a bimbo barbie as his wife as he wanted someone who could be a role model for his future child (and he didn't think bimbo barbie was a good role model). But I don't think he was looking at money/salary as we were students at that time, but even if we weren't, most men don't look at that.

I think men look for a pretty girl who is nice enough and who they can hold a conversation with. If its a smart guy, he probably wouldn't want to be with a girl who only talks about Love Island and where to go on holiday in the summer.

@ClawedButler

Anyone who "decides" to date someone based on a checklist of attributes like career, height, looks, fitness etc. is on a hiding to nothing. If you click, these things don't matter. Why not focus on how you get along, rather than expecting awe and respect for your achievements?

(that sounds harsher than I meant it)

When I was young, I'd have said the same thing. But actually the heart/infatuation is making us blind to many defaults of said men and it's not always for the best.

Now that I am older and wiser, I'd have a nice list of attributes (but not the ones you list!) because no way I woud ever live with someone who isn't respecting me as a person and prefers someone who is 'easy going, gives a lot of ffreedom but still cleans and cook'

most of my male friends have a bit more ambition insofar as looking for a bit more then just 'tits' and 'arse' in a partner

I'll be honest, I havent met many of those men.....

And i dont think the way men behave (in a general sense) actually support that sort of attitude either.
Eg if most men tend to objectify women, as it is endemic in our society, I assume that most men will also objectify the woman in theirl life, even at a subconscious level (and others in a very conscious way but thinking it's OK to do so - I'be met many of those in my life tbh)

Not sure men as a whole all encompassing category do have low standards of what they want in a partner. I’m married now, but if anything when I was dating in my mid/ early 20s it was the opposite. Men seemed to have incredibly high standards of what they deem suitable in a woman. Perhaps it was age demographic the 25-35 category but A LOT of men (and I’m including male friends and colleagues here not just ones I spoke to/ met / interacted with for ‘dating’ ) believed that they deserved a ‘hot’ woman by dint of being a man. ‘Hot’ and sexually available and adventurous but not too much because then she could be ‘promiscuous’ or a gasp ‘slut’ (not my words)

Depending on your age that might be a factor, I think most of my driven friends, who also want driven partners are already partnered up, often with similarly driven people who they met at university or early in their careers.

^ and I’m not just talking your Hollister model looking men, I’m talking across the board, men that one wouldn’t find ‘classically handsome’ or ‘physically fit’ or even what would be defined as ‘successful’ in terms of career

@NeverDropYourMooncup hit the nail on the head. What you actually meant was "why is it that fat and poorer women have men that love them when I'm a far better person and don't?'

Thank you for all the replies - I've only skimmed them but will re-read properly when I'm back from work. Thanks for the men who replied too and sorry if my original post came across mean spirited - can I blame that on the wine?

In my experience men seemed to have a checklist.

1. A fanny.

2 2 arms, 2 legs

1. If they want children, woman needs to be under 40, ideally under 25, otherwise just younger than them

Often they had other criteria like:

1. Must be 'stunning'
2. Must be fairly slim
3. Must be overly attentive to them.

Any woman speaking to these men was considered to fancy them
Any sign of preening (i.e tube of handcream or lipsalve on your desk - nothing to do with the dry office air)was a sign that a woman was on the pull.

These men usually liked women far out of their league

There was a reason these men were single.

I've come across men who really don't care what I do for a living (as in my paycheck not necessarily the actual job/area itself), but equally I've come across men who were very much interested in my financial and housing security - online dates - probably because they'd been burnt in the past (expensive divorces etc/CMS). It does depend who the 'audience ' is.

Looking good (or younger) was praised and appreciated... The men also wanted not to feel like a potential sperm donor (I dated between the ages of 36/37-39) as I'd made it clear I was looking for a long-term relationship with a view to start a family. In the end, I'd given up on dating and pursued solo parenting via sperm donor as for me aged 39 38/39 time really was running out, and I couldn't be bothered with having to 'convince' them that I wanted a genuine relationship ...

I think you need to understand that the things men find attractive are not identical to what women find attractive.

Career and ambition etc I think are more important to women (not saying men don’t want a woman who is ambitious)… I just think it rates lower in their scale of “must have”.

Date men who want to date you and date men who are available. Meaning emotionally available and no one married. Some dating advice that one can live by.

@coronaway

I'm getting increasingly frustrated by men's seemingly low standards when it comes to what they want in a partner and wondered if others had this issue and how they dealt with it? Sorry this may come across a bit ranty...

I think I bring a lot to a relationship (not to sound big headed). I'm very active/fit, switched on, good career, interested in others etc. I'm looking to date someone around my age or a bit older (max 10 years) who is similar to me.

I find it really hard to find someone and if I do it never really progresses. Someone I was very briefly dating has called it a day (we weren't exclusive, only just started dating) so I'm back to square one. For whatever reason it never works out and it's so demoralising as there are few men I find attractive enough to want to date in the first place. What makes it more frustrating is these men don't seem to care much about their dates career, if she is fit, slim etc From what I can see they don't seem to care about much at all. It seems if a woman shows enough interest in them then that is enough.

Why do men who seemingly have a lot to offer have such low standards? I don't understand it! What do I have to do to find someone who I like and is willing to commit?

Urghh it's so demoralising. I've been on the wine tonight so not sure I'm really articulating what I mean but I wanted to vent!

I get what you’re saying OP, but the thread has derailed.

You’re not saying you are a fitness fanatic, or mad for sport etc - I hear you saying you’re organised, independent (so not a burden), sensible, you find few people to engage with anyway and then they don’t seem to actually want to get to know you? And why? Because you think they are just looking for some flattery and light company and not really looking at YOU for what you are - a potential partner.

OP the dating scene is almost impossible, people are flipping from one to another and the whole dating scene is making people disposable. I personally do not like it or how these interactions are playing out.

Good luck OP, I hope you find a good one who appreciates you, and soon!

The men I've met who thought they deserved a girlfriend who looked like a model were either ugly, arseholes or both.

Lol, keep thinking like that, it's probably much better to assume you've been dumped because they realised you were too good for them.
It could well be true, you may get dumped lots by unworthy men ( they are in the majority, a single worthy male is a rare find). But eventually maybe, there will be a man who appreciates your qualities because they have them too and are looking for an equal ( we can only hope). That's the man you want anyway, so just let the rest go on their sweet way and the sooner the better, so you can be free to meet the right one ( after many attempts usually).

As a male I’ll offer my pov I appreciate this probably does change later in life and I’m not trolling or looking to cause offence

At my age (30) Females dating value is largely derived from beauty , Males is derived from wealth / status / power / confidence although naturally most of them attributes can usually be found together

Although it is a bit grim These cornerstones have 99% of the time got to be there on both sides for the attraction and deeper connection to be able to build from , otherwise you will quickly hit a Plato and will end up having the LJBF chat or worse someone ends up cheating which is a complete waste of time for everyone.

So if you’re a woman and you are looking for a man unfortunately it doesn’t really matter what you have achieved or how wealthy you are, the number one priority is we have to be physically attracted to you
only from there can you build a solid foundation for a relationship ……I don’t think I’ve met a woman yet that doesn’t know when a man is truly attracted to her we don’t hide our intentions very well and if there's any doubts personally I will make sure she is aware.

One of the biggest mistakes i see women making in dating is trying to play games they don’t make the ones worth having want you more and any man worth his salt won’t tolerate them and will just lose interest.

One last thing In my experience its better to get the sex out of the way as soon as possible because not only do you need to find out if you are both sexually compatible you will find out a lot quicker what he really wants from you nothing worse than dragging something out for months that should really have been finished in a week.

A lot of you are correct for sex a lot of men will lower their standards because they are lazy and don’t want to have to put the work into sleep with higher quality women but this logic can’t be applied when it comes to finding a long term partner / girlfriend , it will fail miserably

You're annoyed because your dates aren't bothered about how slim you are? That's strange. I think that's a massive positive. You of course need to date a man who fancies you but not obsessing over your slim figure is not a negative point.

I agree with you about the career point. If a man isn't interested in such a massive part of your life, I'm not sure the relationship will really work. Maybe they find your career boring but they should be making an effort to show interest.

@Maxmaher your post sounds depressing but at least it was honest.

I am a year younger than you and thank goodness I got married fresh out of uni so that I don't need to play this dating game at 30.

I think a lot of women make the mistake of thinking that men are generally attracted to the same things that make women generally attracted to them and feel a bit bitter when they've gone all-in on that idea and realise it isn't actually the case.

This isn't bad. The structure of our society would be incredibly different if men found women unattractive for giving up their career to look after kids, for example.