Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Frustrated by men's low standards

199 replies

coronaway · 03/10/2021 23:58

I'm getting increasingly frustrated by men's seemingly low standards when it comes to what they want in a partner and wondered if others had this issue and how they dealt with it? Sorry this may come across a bit ranty...

I think I bring a lot to a relationship (not to sound big headed). I'm very active/fit, switched on, good career, interested in others etc. I'm looking to date someone around my age or a bit older (max 10 years) who is similar to me.

I find it really hard to find someone and if I do it never really progresses. Someone I was very briefly dating has called it a day (we weren't exclusive, only just started dating) so I'm back to square one. For whatever reason it never works out and it's so demoralising as there are few men I find attractive enough to want to date in the first place. What makes it more frustrating is these men don't seem to care much about their dates career, if she is fit, slim etc From what I can see they don't seem to care about much at all. It seems if a woman shows enough interest in them then that is enough.

Why do men who seemingly have a lot to offer have such low standards? I don't understand it! What do I have to do to find someone who I like and is willing to commit?

Urghh it's so demoralising. I've been on the wine tonight so not sure I'm really articulating what I mean but I wanted to vent!

OP posts:
DameMaureen · 04/10/2021 11:33

@coronaway

What makes it more frustrating is these men don't seem to care much about their dates career, if she is fit, slim etc

How do you know this ? What have they said that makes you think this ? Is it that they haven't enthused over your job or your fitness activities ? Do you maybe go on too much about your job etc ?

onlychildhamster · 04/10/2021 11:34

@Maxmaher and what happens to the non beautiful women? Most women are not beautiful, not in the classic sense anyway. Most are easy on the eye and could look beautiful with a lot of makeup (but most women don't have a professional makeup artist to do them up daily and the makeup would come off during sex anyway). I see lots of ordinary looking young women going out with ordinary men everyday. Many even get married.

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/10/2021 11:44

@Maxmaher
I think the point about ages is a very valid, I’m 50+ so what I’m looking for is completely different from someone in their 30’s, which might be a key demographic on this site, and why you get certain views.

@onlychildhamster, I was also married not long out of Uni as well, so also avoided the earlier 30’s dating game, but also got divorced in my late 30s, so what do I know 🤷🏼‍♂️

saraclara · 04/10/2021 11:45

Did you really mean to say 'why is it that fat and poorer women have men that love them when I'm a far better person and don't?'

Seems like it to me.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 04/10/2021 11:46

There's two distinctions that are important here IMO:

  1. Are you 30 or over 50? This makes a huge difference both to what men of a similar age are looking for, and what you can look for in them.
  1. Are you online dating? If so, that's quite a weird world and won't tell you much about how more than 50% of your friends ended up with someone. You can play it to your advantage once you understand the online game, but it's really hard work and time-consuming sorting through!

Without knowing that, I can't advise too much. I'm older and I find the standard of men who are single on dating websites to be pretty poor if I'm honest, I don't know many don't shave, take unflattering shots and sound so unpleasant in their answers, but the ones that are smart, intelligent and look ok must be deluged!

It is also true online dating is a very looks-oriented environment. If you are into the gym/fitness, I would imagine that you would find quite a lot of compatible people, or just go to a gym a lot and they'll be there.

Sad to say, as I have a great career, but careers are not what men are looking for in women, although I've found the odd person who does love what I do and finds me more interesting as a result, but it's not the norm, especially older insecure men.

If you are looking to settle down and have babies I would give you different advice on what to look for and how to find it than if you are dating after divorce/older age group, they aren't the same things as older people aren't usually looking to have more kids and may be looking for a more companionable/fun experience not to actually live together and form a new 'family' unit.

Maxmaher · 04/10/2021 11:49

@onlychildhamster

It's a headache but i speak from experience

I was in a healthy relationship for 4 years but ultimately it broke down because of the above (lockdown didn't help) but the raw physical attraction just wasn't there between us i tried so hard to make it work because we got on so well but the sexual resentment was just building and building and i didn't want to end up hurting her

We are still good friends but now the treasure hunt for me continues :/ and as you say its pretty bleak out there

Counterbottle · 04/10/2021 11:49

@onlychildhamster

As sad as it is what maxmaher is set I g about many men judging women’s value on their looks is absolutely true . Sad but true
Women are constantly being pressured in ways men are not to look a certain way
As for his advice to get the sex out of. The way
This type of talk is common on incel sites . Pushing women to have sex , devaluing them by basing their worth on age , looks etc
Many women are waking up to the rubbish this is and not playing into it .

Counterbottle · 04/10/2021 11:52

[quote Maxmaher]@onlychildhamster

It's a headache but i speak from experience

I was in a healthy relationship for 4 years but ultimately it broke down because of the above (lockdown didn't help) but the raw physical attraction just wasn't there between us i tried so hard to make it work because we got on so well but the sexual resentment was just building and building and i didn't want to end up hurting her

We are still good friends but now the treasure hunt for me continues :/ and as you say its pretty bleak out there[/quote]
What’s a headache max ?
Being compelled to judge women’s worth by their looks ?

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 04/10/2021 11:52

In fairness, on online dating sites there's not much to go off except looks/pictures and a very small bio (none for many people). So, you can't expect people to look into your inner soul. If you aren't naturally appealing in photos, then I wouldn't bother too much with online dating, I'd try to get to know people face to face, where your overall personality and attractiveness is easier to see.

I don't think men have low standards, but they are also highly unrealistic about who they can get, many like absolutely everyone in a 100 mile radius hoping for one reply, this can't work as those women get that all the time, but hope springs eternal!

Maxmaher · 04/10/2021 11:57

@onlychildhamster

guess its about finding where you are on that scale beauty is obviously highly subjective , i don't like barbies some of my friends would cut their arms off for them .....

You are correct there are plenty of "average" men out there with average women but i suspect if OP was looking for average she would have it by now

So she is either wanting a man higher on the scale than her , or she has got unrealistic expectations that i suspect is the crux of her problems

onlychildhamster · 04/10/2021 12:09

@Maxmaher my Dh is better looking than me, but he is very shy around women (from a religious background even if he isn't religious now). This means that even though women are attracted to him, more outgoing men with worse looks would probably have more women attracted to them. I feel many women tend to let a lot of quiet men slip under the radar. Also my DH has never chased women (that includes me), he let the women express their interest in him first. I think that would probably have put a lot of women off!

KirstenBlest · 04/10/2021 12:10

As another over-50, I agree that the standard of men on OLD is pretty poor. There's usually a reason why someone over 50 is single and I don't want someone who is single because they are boring/a cheat/looking for a housekeeper-nursemaid

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/10/2021 12:16

@KirstenBlest

As another over-50, I agree that the standard of men on OLD is pretty poor. There's usually a reason why someone over 50 is single and I don't want someone who is single because they are boring/a cheat/looking for a housekeeper-nursemaid
Oh shit, guess it over for me then 😂

@KirstenBlest, if you are 50+ (as I am), what is your reason for being single, if I can ask please?

PinkSyCo · 04/10/2021 12:22

So you think that because men aren’t falling over themselves to be with you it means that they have low standards. Blimey OP get over yourself!

KirstenBlest · 04/10/2021 12:26

@JustAnother0ldMan, nobody could put up with me.

KirstenBlest · 04/10/2021 12:28

@JustAnother0ldMan, why are you single? If you are not a cheat, not boring and useless, and not looking for a nursemaid/housekeeper then you will be a catch

MarshmallowSwede · 04/10/2021 12:34

@maxmaher

I agree with everything except that “get sex out of the way as soon as possible.”

There is no reason for anyone to jump into bed with a stranger “just in case“ he leaves after sex. I think women do better by getting to know the man first. Of course if she is up for going to bed quickly then do it. But women definitely don’t benefit by hopping into bed with every man on the first date…or even quickly… do you know how many dates a woman doing online dating can go on in one week? She would be sore and unable to walk!

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/10/2021 12:40

@KirstenBlest
2 reasons really, my ExW was a cheater
My ExP seemed to resent me spending lots of time with my father when he had terminal cancer.

As to your point
not boring and useless, and not looking for a nursemaid/housekeeper

Some people might think I’m boring and useless, but how would I know 🤷🏼‍♂️
Nursemaid, not that old yet 😂
Housekeeper, my father was military for 40 years, so housekeeping was drilled in from an early age, I was probably a better housekeeper than my ExW or ExP TBH.

Triffid1 · 04/10/2021 12:44

While OP's description of other women as being of a "lower standard" is a bit offensive, I do think I understand.

Rather cynically, I believe that a lot of men don't want women who are particularly successful etc because they feel it emasculates them. And if they DO date such women, there's a subtle pressure from them to make the woman downplay her achievements/success/focus etc.

I saw this when I was younger and single and I see it when I talk to men I know who are single now. They do want women who are professional and capable.... just not too professional and capable. In most cases, they won't or can't articulate that, but it feels true. And of course, once they're all in these long term relationships, this then plays out with the couple's assumption that his career is "more important" etc, so SHE is the one who must make the compromises to manage children/life etc.

I know this is cynical. I also know it's not always true. But it feels true a lot of the time. As someone who was very successful, good career etc, it took me a LONG time to realise that the men who were attracted to me weren't the lawyers and bankers and city types I worked with. It was men who were "lower status" or had very different jobs (artists, construction etc) who frankly weren't even slightly in competition with me.

KirstenBlest · 04/10/2021 12:45

@JustAnother0ldManstan, whereabouts in the country are you?

FWIW, I'm boring, useless, have a 'Quentin Crisp' attitude to housework and have no bedside manner.

cocavino · 04/10/2021 12:50

I tend to agree, OP

Ilady · 04/10/2021 12:56

I know men who have low standards and woman who are the same.
I had a friend who was rejected by a man she had known for years. My friend is a lovey lady and she would have been a great partner/wife for him. She would have had a child with him and been a good mother.
Instead he decided to get involved with with another woman who was a single mother and who was in a poor paying job. He meanwhile had a good job, a house and seemed to have money.
Within a few months she was pregnant and he was delighted.

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/10/2021 12:59

SE, T Valley

KirstenBlest · 04/10/2021 13:02

Me too!

LarryTheLurker · 04/10/2021 13:05

It's all men's fault, as usual, but that's MN for you. MN at its best is great, but too often it is a rest home for embittered misandrists.

When women are disappointed by men it's usually because they try to judge us by the standards they would apply to other women, and find us defective because ... we're not.