Relationships after partner died

[TheFoundations]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the 'bereavement' section or here, but it's about new relationships, so here seems to make sense.

I had a partner about 20 years ago, who died of cancer. We were in our late 20s. We were together about a year. My partner was diagnosed terminally ill after we'd been together 5 months. I'm still very much in touch with the family, and we are all very dear to each other, having been through such a tough experience, all supporting each other.

I wonder how people generally would feel about this. I've had relationships since, some of whom have been uncomfortable with my connection with the family, uncomfortable with me mentioning my deceased partner, uncomfortable with my refusal to refer to them as an 'ex'.

Sometimes I talk about the past. My decease partner comes up in conversation occasionally, and their relatives are part of my life.

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?

If they have died, they are not an ex!

Your situation is no different to a relationship with a widow or widower without children. They wouldn't be expected to not talk about their deceased spouse. I suppose the only thing is that you were together a relatively short time, and it's probably heightened the intensity because of the illness and the fact you were, along with his parents, grieving together before it actually happened and supporting each other.

They wouldn't be expected to not talk about their deceased spouse

I'm not sure everybody would agree with you there, and that's what I'm trying to get a general opinion on. I'm not sure what the intensity of the relationship would matter to any now partner; I wouldn't talk about the relationship in that level of detail to them, anyway.

It depends how much of your thoughts are taken up with your late boyfriend OP. Do you post on Facebook about him? Mark the anniversary of death in any public way? Have lots of photos? If you are in a relationship, the living man with you deserves your full attention. How would your late boyfriend's family feel about you being in a serious relationship? Are they holding you in the past?

Lots to think about.

(I'm in a relationship with a widower)

I suppose the only thing is that most people wouldn't have reason to mention a past relationship that lasted for only a year, twenty years ago.

In what sort of circumstances do you mention him?

On the face of it it's hard to understand why your partners mind. Presumably it's not often?

I agree with @Chamomileteaplease, surely you would only mention you had a boyfriend years ago who had died?

It's more significant to the course of my life than a relationship that lasts a year and you go your separate ways, though. Her death changed me and my life.

I don't think it's odd to say things like 'Oh, I used to have an ex who did that', in passing conversation about something or other. That would only be a problem for me if the other person kept talking about exes all the time, or the same ex all the time. I don't do that.

Sorry OP to have assumed that your late friend was a man.

If you just mention in passing, then I can't see the problem. But if new partners have had issues it could be more than you think. I know I wouldn't be very pleased with my partner constantly mentioning 'Jane' (not her name) or talking about all the things they did together. He doesn't do this.

I wouldn't like that either, @BatshitCrazyWoman

Funny how you've turned her into my 'friend' now you know she was female!

I think that talking constantly about someone who has died is a sign that you're still grieving, and so, if it was a partner, you wouldn't be ready for a new relationship. But I don't think that means you should never mention them, especially if there are relatives you're still close to. Her death is a part of my life. I feel like I've had enough bad feeling caused by it, so now it's nice to be able to have nice memories without it giving someone a negative feeling. I don't want to feel I have to hide her existence, given that she poses no threat to my feelings for anybody.

I understand, OP, but a new girlfriend might find that all your mentions of past relationships are about the girlfriend that died, rather than any relationships you've had before or since. And that might mean that they think you're still holding a candle for her, and they can't live up to your young deceased girlfriend.

What have recent girlfriends said about you mentioning your late girlfriend?

I think the fact that new girlfriends have been uncomfortable with it show that you’re possibly mentioning it more than you think. When you mention her how do you refer to her? I can understand not wanting to call her an ex but the different ways you do talk about her can make a huge difference to how the relationship is perceived by others.

that all your mentions of past relationships are about the girlfriend that died

I do mention exes from time to time - I think most people do. They are parts of our lives, and the history doesn't go away just because the ex did. It shouldn't be an issue unless it's excessive.

I wouldn't talk negatively about my deceased girlfriend. Instinctively, we don't speak ill of the dead, and she was a wonderful person who only showed me love. I think that's a lovely thing to have in my past. If somebody wants to think I'm still holding a candle for her, surely that's their issue, the same as if they thought I was holding a candle for anybody else?

One ex was furious when I came off the phone to L's family. Her sister gave me a heart shaped paperweight which I wasn't allowed to have 'on show'. Another ex just came over really sad each time I mentioned L, which was two or three times over a period of about 6 months. I ended up feeling that I couldn't mention her, for fear of causing upset, so I didn't, but it felt wrong to silence the memory of her.

This was 20 years ago and you were together for a year.

Aye, that would probably piss me off if you were to constantly talk about them. I'm sorry I'm being honest.

@ChristmasWithDC

I think the fact that new girlfriends have been uncomfortable with it show that you’re possibly mentioning it more than you think. When you mention her how do you refer to her? I can understand not wanting to call her an ex but the different ways you do talk about her can make a huge difference to how the relationship is perceived by others.

I refer to her by name. I'm very aware of how often I talk about her. Because I don't do it unless it has specific meaning to me; I wouldn't small-talk about her to a new partner. I can see that a new partner would only ever hear me talk about her every now and again, and for things that were/are very emotionally important for me, but surely that's what you expect from this situation?

@ParkheadParadise

I don't constantly talk about her.

My decease partner comes up in conversation occasionally

Sorry OP, I think you are mentioning her too much. Why and when did her sister give you the paperweight? I'm getting the impression from your posts that your late girlfriend from 20 years ago is still really central and important in your life. And that's fine, but you can't have a lovely girlfriend now, and hark back 20 years with such emotion.

What sort of emotion am I supposed to have when I hark back? No emotion? Cold? Mentioning her a few times over months is too much? How much is the right amount?

I've thought about what I would be like if I met a partner who had this history; if the boot was on the other foot. I really don't think I'd expect the person never to be fondly mentioned, or their death mentioned in the way that any other life changing event might be. I behave in the way I would expect the other person to behave. I have had partners who were very comfortable with me talking about L, to the extent that they've asked me questions about her, and brought her up in conversation themselves, so I don't think it's a question of me talking about her too much.

That's why I was asking what other people would do if they were in that situation. Not a critique of whether I'm doing it right or not.

With kindness OP, no I would not expect you to speak with emotion about your girlfriend of a year, who sadly died 20 years ago, to me at all.

My mum is a widow for 7 years. She is 62 now, she was 55 when her lovely husband of 12 years died of 3rd heart attack at 64.

She tries not to talk about him to the men she was dating.

She can talk to me and remember good times.

It's ok to tell your story once after you are quite close bf and gf but not to live in the past too much and try to enjoy life with your new gf here and now.

It was 20 years ago. If you repeatedly mentioned it, I would run a mile. (and I'm a widow a lot more recently than you.)

Are you holding onto this as an example of an unattainable ideal, do you think?

I know someone's whose husband died. He was her absolute soul mate.
18 months later she fell head over heels for another man and still together 4 years on, she says he is also a soul mate.

I am sorry for your loss x

Yes, it's not the kind of thing you'd expect to hear about on 'First Dates'! I don't think mentioning her from time to time is 'living in the past'. I'd know if I was living in the past - I've had some very good counselling about other issues from my past (including grief), so I know what 'moving on' feels like.

Even without mentioning her regularly, the presence of her family still in your life would make her feel very much part of the present day. I understand why you still think of her and still value her memory so much, but I'm not seeing this from the point of view of a new girlfriend. To a girlfriend this could easily come across as if she's still loved so deeply by you, that they will always be second best to her memory.

Are you holding onto this as an example of an unattainable ideal, do you think

No, I'm not. We knew each other so briefly, and I saw more of how she dealt with death than how she dealt with life. She was undoubtedly a lovely person, but whether we would have done life together as well as we did death together, nobody will ever know.

Maybe you could mention her to your friend(s) and your close family but not to your new GF so she doesn't feel second best even if there is no threat for her?

That way you would concentrate on your new relations more.

Many girls can feel jealous because they might feel you'll never love them as much as you loved her and they can't match up to her even if she is your happy and tragic past.

When you mention her, what sorts of things do you say?