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Original poster

Relationships after partner died

170 replies

TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 20:05

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the 'bereavement' section or here, but it's about new relationships, so here seems to make sense.

I had a partner about 20 years ago, who died of cancer. We were in our late 20s. We were together about a year. My partner was diagnosed terminally ill after we'd been together 5 months. I'm still very much in touch with the family, and we are all very dear to each other, having been through such a tough experience, all supporting each other.

I wonder how people generally would feel about this. I've had relationships since, some of whom have been uncomfortable with my connection with the family, uncomfortable with me mentioning my deceased partner, uncomfortable with my refusal to refer to them as an 'ex'.

Sometimes I talk about the past. My decease partner comes up in conversation occasionally, and their relatives are part of my life.

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?

OP posts:
Toasteh · 04/10/2021 18:06

I wouldn’t find it odd that you are still in contact with her family though, if they have become friends over the years.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 04/10/2021 18:07

@Tellmesomethinggirl

You are trying to police my responses, though.

No more of them will be to you. All the best.

OP posts:
Dery · 04/10/2021 18:10

@TheFoundations

But why are you asking how other people would respond if you're only going to get angry and defensive when people respond in a way that doesn't suit you?

Your approach to this is hard to fathom. Of course, we're all welcome to jump off your thread any time and no doubt that's what I should do but, my goodness, you're so brusque and dismissive of anything that doesn't precisely suit your narrative of how this should be that it's really hard to understand why you asked people for their views. Did you imagine that everyone would have identical views to you or did you just want to have the chance to tell lots of people off?

Original poster
TheFoundations · 04/10/2021 18:22

@Dery

Because people are answering a question I didn't ask, and telling me how I need to change. I like me as I am. My friends like me as I am. Previous partners have liked me as I am. Family like me as I am. I'm not interested in why strangers think I need to change. It doesn't matter to me if you find my approach hard to fathom.

I said upthread that I've got what I wanted from my post, so I must've asked in a way that made sense, whether you can fathom it or not. Now it's just a bunch of strangers telling me I should change because they think I've got problems.

Unsolicited personal criticism is something I'm quite happy to respond to brusquely and dismissively. I think that's fair.

Did you imagine that everyone would have identical views to you or did you just want to have the chance to tell lots of people off

I wanted people's views on the question I asked, and I'm quite happy to tell lots of people off if they rock up and tell me, unprompted, who I should be.

OP posts:
Dery · 04/10/2021 18:25

Okay, @TheFoundations. Glad you got what you wanted from the thread. It's been an interesting read.

Rgy3250999 · 04/10/2021 18:39

@TheFoundations If everyone in your life, apart from those two ex-partners, seems to think you’re Mr Perfect, why do you care what they thought? Maybe they were wrong and insecure, but maybe the other people in your life are enabling something deeply unhealthy and these two actually have their head screwed on. You don’t know their reasons and nor do me, but if anyone dares to suggest that there may be a problem with YOU, you jump on the defensive and don’t want to hear. So what is the point in this silly thread?

Verbena87 · 04/10/2021 18:39

I think/hope I wouldn’t be bothered. Loss is part of life.

My mum had a partner before my dad who died, we knew about him as kids because my parents would chat about him sometimes and there are photos of their life together in the old photos box which we used to love rooting through as kids. It never seemed like a big deal, certainly not to my dad and whilst mum remembered him, she’s at peace with the loss.

optimistic40 · 04/10/2021 18:47

I don't know, it depends. If my partner spoke about their previous partner who had died I don't think it would bother me UNLESS they did not seem to be in love with me. If you are in some way holding back because you can't imagine anyone as good as the girlfriend who died, then I can imagine why they are upset.

Generally though, if you are forming good relationships and falling in love, giving your heart, then no I don't understand why they would mind you sharing in this way.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 04/10/2021 18:51

[quote Rgy3250999]@TheFoundations If everyone in your life, apart from those two ex-partners, seems to think you’re Mr Perfect, why do you care what they thought? Maybe they were wrong and insecure, but maybe the other people in your life are enabling something deeply unhealthy and these two actually have their head screwed on. You don’t know their reasons and nor do me, but if anyone dares to suggest that there may be a problem with YOU, you jump on the defensive and don’t want to hear. So what is the point in this silly thread?[/quote]
I don't think that anybody thinks I'm Mr Perfect. I'm not a man, and I'm not perfect, so that would be inaccurate. I said that the people in my life like me as I am. That's simply a healthy state of affairs. There's no need to be hyperbolic. If you run your life by focusing on the very small minority who feel uncomfortable about something you do that everyone else accepts, good luck to you.

The point of 'this silly thread' (it's actually been very useful to me, so whether you think it's silly or not doesn't matter) is that I've learned more about the horrible attitudes some people have towards the situation that's been discussed, and I've realised that, like all horrible attitudes, it's better just to stay away from them, and spend time with nicer people, than it is to try to change yourself or your natural responses.

I think that's good advice for all arenas, really, not just this one. If something is a problem in lots of your relationships, look to yourself. If something is a problem in a very small number of relationships, just class it as incompatibility, and move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFoundations · 04/10/2021 18:58

@optimistic40

I don't think it would bother me UNLESS they did not seem to be in love with me

Yes, same here. I think if it seemed to be actively affecting the feelings in the current relationship, it would cause problems for anybody, really. For me, when she died, part of the grieving was the death of being 'in love'. Being in love requires constancy that stops with death. It's why L can't compete with any new relationship; I can't be in love with her anymore. And that's why it's not OK if someone is jealous or feels she has 'pride of place'. The love is a different kind of love, and it doesn't make any sense to compare. It's a proper 'apples and oranges' thing, but that's hard to understand, I think, unless you've lost someone you were in love with.

OP posts:
optimistic40 · 04/10/2021 19:04

[quote TheFoundations]@optimistic40

I don't think it would bother me UNLESS they did not seem to be in love with me

Yes, same here. I think if it seemed to be actively affecting the feelings in the current relationship, it would cause problems for anybody, really. For me, when she died, part of the grieving was the death of being 'in love'. Being in love requires constancy that stops with death. It's why L can't compete with any new relationship; I can't be in love with her anymore. And that's why it's not OK if someone is jealous or feels she has 'pride of place'. The love is a different kind of love, and it doesn't make any sense to compare. It's a proper 'apples and oranges' thing, but that's hard to understand, I think, unless you've lost someone you were in love with.[/quote]
I haven't been through a loss like yours, so I don't know. But I don't see why you can't still be in love with her in some way. A way that is non-threatening to a new love... you are remembering and loving
somebody who was massively important to you.

Bumwart21 · 04/10/2021 19:43

I would hope if I die that my husband would remember me, even 20/30/40 years down the line and now and then mention me, one of my fears would be to be totally forgotten like you never even existed in the first place, all those memories just wiped out like they didn't matter, I think it's a lovely thing to remember your previous gf,shows you cared deeply and I'm sure if there is an after life then she would like to know you never forgotten her and think of her now and then, I know I would.

Tellmesomethinggirl · 04/10/2021 20:00

[quote TheFoundations]@Tellmesomethinggirl

You are trying to police my responses, though.

No more of them will be to you. All the best.[/quote]
What a relief Grin

Original poster
TheFoundations · 04/10/2021 20:12

@Bumwart21

one of my fears would be to be totally forgotten like you never even existed in the first place

Yes, I think of it this way too. What a shame to have to consign someone silently to history because of someone else's insecurities. L told me before she died that she wanted me to find love again, so it's a bit rich, really, if they feel her memory should be consigned to silence, just because they're around.

I'd like to be remembered with love, and not have someone I loved feel that they couldn't talk about me.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercupisyum · 05/10/2021 10:55

I don’t think that if you don’t talk about her with your partner then you are silencing her memory. You are still friends with the family, you think about her, I’m assuming you talk to other people - friends and family, about her.
If a new partner is, in all other ways, a good match but really doesn’t like hearing about L then I wouldn’t necessarily end it..there might be lots of reasons to why, many of which will of course be irrational; feeling inadequate, unable to compete, jealous, left out of a major piece of your past, even left out of a major piece of your present. That doesn’t mean they aren’t accepting of who you are though. L’s death has clearly shaped a part of you, and your partner may well consciously or subconsciously embrace that side of you and the person you have become as a result, but it doesn’t mean they like hearing about your fond memories.

KatMansfield6 · 05/10/2021 11:26

I think some of these responses are strange. I thankfully have never lost a partner but you just don’t get over losing someone you love, even after 20 years. After a year you can know that a relationship feels right and you have found someone you want to be with permanently, it must be such a shock and a grief to lose them. You don’t only get the right to grieve for your partner if you’ve been with them a certain number of years. Grief doesn’t follow rules about who has died and the relationship you had with them — all our lives and relationships are idiosyncratic. My Grandfather’s death affected me much more than my DFs.

You should be able to talk about her and see her family. It wouldn’t bother me at all. My DH loves his exes family (and meets up with them) and talks about times with his ex fondly. Our pasts exist. As long as you are showing love, respect and commitment to the person who you are with now, you don’t have to pretend that they are the only person you have ever loved or been with. It would obviously be different if you are making disparaging comparisons or talking about them daily (which you clearly are not).

Original poster
TheFoundations · 05/10/2021 12:10

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

Thanks for your post. Really helpful for me in terms of making sure I know where my boundaries are. I agree with what you've said, but it would just make that person and I incompatible, as there are clearly people around who wouldn't feel uncomfortable with me talking about this aspect of my history. I'd prefer a partner who was comfortable for me to talk about all aspects of my life, including happy times with previous partners. I don't mind if a partner talks about a happy time with an ex. If it's all the time, it's different, but an occasional 'Oh the museum! X and I went there when the blah exhibit was on, she told me all about the history of it etc etc' is perfectly acceptable.

Others may have different boundaries, but for me, feeling free to talk about my past is important.

@KatMansfield6 I'm glad there are folk like yourself out there, it's reassuring to know that my boundaries wouldn't be perceived as beyond the pale by everyone. I found the start of the thread quite shocking, with the 'you need to shut up and move the fuck on!' responses. Thanks for your post.

OP posts:
Sacredspace · 05/10/2021 15:34

I’m wondering if this was particularly painful for you given that you would have been in the honeymoon/infatuation/madly in love phase at diagnosis/death and the relationship never got to run it’s natural course x

altmember · 05/10/2021 16:01

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?

I wouldn't be considering a relationship with someone in this position because I wouldn't know about it at that stage. So it's an impossible/non existent situation. I wouldn't be asking about previous relationships, and I'd be very wary/put off by a potential partner who went into any detail about it.

Fair enough if it comes up in conversation, but otherwise it's major red flag territory for someone to go on about an ex, especially a one year relationship from 20 years ago. It'd make me think they weren't over it, hadn't moved on and that I'd probably be living in the shadow of their ex, with them constantly comparing an reminiscing (even if that's just in their head). I'd walk away before things even got started.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 05/10/2021 16:31

@altmember

Nobody's going on about an ex, so you're creating a situation and answering about that, rather than answering the actual question that was asked.

@Sacredspace

Thank you, but I haven't asked for an analysis of my level of pain. I'm sure your comment comes from a kind place, but I'm through the grieving process. I asked 'What would you feel if a new partner occasionally mentioned a long-dead late partner'. Not sure what relevance your comment has?

OP posts:
Sacredspace · 05/10/2021 17:12

My apologies, I was responding to my perception of other posters perhaps questioning you mentioning your late partner in relation to the length of the relationship and how long ago it is. Again very clumsily put! My own stuff I guess as my own situation is very similar to yours. (I’m definitely not through the grieving process).

'What would you feel if a new partner occasionally mentioned a long-dead late partner'.

I feel what I posted is relevant as I’m guessing that is what I would wonder if I were your new partner:

“I’m wondering if this was particularly painful for you given that you would have been in the honeymoon/infatuation/madly in love phase at diagnosis/death and the relationship never got to run it’s natural course x”

It’s only me wondering about wondering though..

Original poster
TheFoundations · 05/10/2021 17:20

@Sacredspace

Thank you for clarifying. I see what you mean now.

I'm sorry you've been through something similar. I hope that your path through grief isn't too bumpy. I found it hard with the relationship having been so short. I'd lost somebody I was in love with, but couldn't feel I was widowed, so it was hard placing myself, if you see what I mean.

So sorry for your loss Flowers

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 05/10/2021 17:57

How often do you mention her?

Sacredspace · 05/10/2021 17:59

Yes, I completely get it x

Alcemeg · 05/10/2021 20:24

It sounds a little bit as though the whole intense episode of her preparing to die, and then dying, was such a life-changing experience for you that it has become a kind of solid, permanent feature of your whole identity. If I were in a relationship with you, I wouldn't be jealous or anxious about your feelings for your "ex" which are not unresolved in any way but I might wonder if it's time to let go a little bit of being defined by something that happened two decades ago. I don't mean this in any way to diminish your feelings about her. To me, it's more your feelings about yourself.