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Original poster

Relationships after partner died

170 replies

TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 20:05

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the 'bereavement' section or here, but it's about new relationships, so here seems to make sense.

I had a partner about 20 years ago, who died of cancer. We were in our late 20s. We were together about a year. My partner was diagnosed terminally ill after we'd been together 5 months. I'm still very much in touch with the family, and we are all very dear to each other, having been through such a tough experience, all supporting each other.

I wonder how people generally would feel about this. I've had relationships since, some of whom have been uncomfortable with my connection with the family, uncomfortable with me mentioning my deceased partner, uncomfortable with my refusal to refer to them as an 'ex'.

Sometimes I talk about the past. My decease partner comes up in conversation occasionally, and their relatives are part of my life.

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?

OP posts:
poorpaws · 03/10/2021 22:02

My partner had a very happy marriage and his wife sadly died too young. We were friends for a few years before we became partners so he had mentioned her to me. I told him we would embrace her into our relationship and he could talk about her to me without it causing problems. He doesn’t do this as she is in the past, he says. I, however, talk about my ex (divorce) quite a lot. I have no feelings whatsoever for my ex but I was with him for 20 years and he’s part of my history.

What I’m trying to say (very badly) is that we are all very different. I talk about my past, my partner doesn’t like to talk about his.

Lana07 · 03/10/2021 22:05

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:07

To a girlfriend this could easily come across as if she's still loved so deeply by you, that they will always be second best to her memory

Surely this is their choice of perception though, and, just like with anybody who mis-perceives you emotionally, that's simply a relationship best avoided? I think I'm answering my own query, really. As I said, I have had relationships with some people who are quite comfortable with how L is placed in my memory, how often I do/don't talk about her, and her family being in my current life, so I just need to be with somebody who doesn't feel threatened by something about me that isn't threatening; somebody who sees my emotional landscape as it is, rather than imposing something onto it.

The comments are helpful because it clarifies the misperceptions, so thank you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:10

@Lana07

Many girls can feel jealous because they might feel you'll never love them as much as you loved her and they can't match up to her even if she is your happy and tragic past

Yes, I think it's best to avoid people who feel jealous very much, of anything at all. This is very helpful, thank you.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/10/2021 22:15

How many long relationships have you had since, OP? You haven't had children?

For me, and I think for some PPs, mentioning her a couple of times a month would be too much. After 20 years I wouldn't expect you to forget, but to think of her rather than talk about her. With her family, do you celebrate her birthday, or get together on the anniversary of her passing? Her parents and siblings have lost a child and a sister, they will never have another child/sister in the same way as you can have another girlfriend.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/10/2021 22:15

[quote TheFoundations]@Lana07

Many girls can feel jealous because they might feel you'll never love them as much as you loved her and they can't match up to her even if she is your happy and tragic past

Yes, I think it's best to avoid people who feel jealous very much, of anything at all. This is very helpful, thank you.[/quote]
It's not jealousy.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:17

@BatshitCrazyWoman

When you mention her, what sorts of things do you say?
I don't even know. Probably things to do with my experience of her death. That she was an unusually happy person. Perhaps to mention 'That's where L is buried', if the cemetery in question comes up.

I mention her family as I mention any other friends. Not always in the context of L; we obviously all have a relationship now that, although founded in her illness and death, is more of a family sort of relationship. Her sister feels a bit like she's my sister, because we've been close for so many years, and bonded very strongly at the start.

OP posts:
Lana07 · 03/10/2021 22:18

It's not jealousy.

What is it then?

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:19

It's not jealousy

What is it? It feels like jealousy from this side. When a new partner can't deal with how much they think you love a previous partner, regardless of the fact that there's no threat. I don't understand how that can be defined as anything but jealousy?

OP posts:
Lana07 · 03/10/2021 22:22

Jealousy to a happy but tragic past.

What other feeling is it if not jealousy?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/10/2021 22:24

It's the feeling of being a placeholder, and compared to a woman who died 20 years ago! I don't know if you've been in a relationship with a widower, it's very hard to describe.

I've said what I think OP, if you wish to carry on talking about her, her death and the cemetery, then you will need to find a woman who doesn't mind. My chap (wife died a few years ago) doesn't talk about those things with me, he says he's lucky to have another chance at love, and feels it would be insensitive to talk about her all the time.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:25

@BatshitCrazyWoman

How many long relationships have you had since, OP? You haven't had children?

For me, and I think for some PPs, mentioning her a couple of times a month would be too much. After 20 years I wouldn't expect you to forget, but to think of her rather than talk about her. With her family, do you celebrate her birthday, or get together on the anniversary of her passing? Her parents and siblings have lost a child and a sister, they will never have another child/sister in the same way as you can have another girlfriend.

What's the relevance of whether I have children?

What's the relevance of who can have another x, y or z? Are you talking about the fact that I can replace her and they can't?

Yes, we do sometimes get together on anniversaries. Not all anniversaries, just occasionally, if it fits in with us visiting each other anyway.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/10/2021 22:26

I am in no way jealous of a dead woman! She's not coming back. He's bloody lucky to have me.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/10/2021 22:29

You can move forward, hopefully, and have a grown up serious relationship. Her parents and siblings will always have a gap where she was.

I wonder if you haven't had a serious relationship since, perhaps you are still grieving? It's very hard when someone young dies. I'm not unsympathetic (apart from my children, I have no living family, I know about death).

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:32

@BatshitCrazyWoman

I am in no way jealous of a dead woman! She's not coming back. He's bloody lucky to have me.
Don't worry. Nobody's calling you jealous...

It can easily be mistaken for jealousy, though, given that it's a feeling of unsettledness about a previous relationship that's well and truly over.

You're right, I need to be with somebody who doesn't get that 'placemarker/jealousy' feeling. As I said upthread, I have had relationships with people who were openly curious about L and encouraged me to talk about her, so that approach can't be too rare.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 03/10/2021 22:32

Believe me, I'm definitely not unsympathetic. I know what it feels like to lose someone and grieve for them.
BUT this thread is bloody bonkers.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:34

You can move forward, hopefully, and have a grown up serious relationship

You sound like you think you're talking to a teenager. I'm in my late 40s and have had serious relationships since L died. I didn't refer to them as 'grown up' though!

OP posts:
smoshbambi · 03/10/2021 22:36

It was 20 years ago, and you were together for a year. You seriously need to move on.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:36

@ParkheadParadise

Believe me, I'm definitely not unsympathetic. I know what it feels like to lose someone and grieve for them. BUT this thread is bloody bonkers.
Please elaborate..? Not sure if you think I'm bonkers or another PP is bonkers..?
OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/10/2021 22:38

@TheFoundations

You can move forward, hopefully, and have a grown up serious relationship

You sound like you think you're talking to a teenager. I'm in my late 40s and have had serious relationships since L died. I didn't refer to them as 'grown up' though!

I'm assuming you're in your late forties, but have had several relationships in the past two decades, and haven't 'settled down' for want of a better expression.
Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:39

@smoshbambi

It was 20 years ago, and you were together for a year. You seriously need to move on.
In what way? Not mention to a new partner that I'm going to visit L's grave, or that she was a really lovely person to have had in my life, or that her sister and I are close?

I think I just need to find a person who doesn't misperceive my emotions. But as I said, the comments on the thread are helpful, to see how people misunderstand.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 03/10/2021 22:39

@smoshbambi

It was 20 years ago, and you were together for a year. You seriously need to move on.
Yup. Much more succinct than my ramblings!
GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 03/10/2021 22:41

Wow aren't some people ridiculous.

A partner who has died is not an ex and it's very different to an ex. It doesn't make a new partner second best at all. And some women are jealous, there's no getting past that.

TBH OP if the new partners aren't supportive of you then that's a problem in itself.

Original poster
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 22:49

@GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine

Wow aren't some people ridiculous.

A partner who has died is not an ex and it's very different to an ex. It doesn't make a new partner second best at all. And some women are jealous, there's no getting past that.

TBH OP if the new partners aren't supportive of you then that's a problem in itself.

Thank you for this. That's the conclusion that I've come to from the comments on the thread. There is more than one way of viewing this (as I know from post-grief relationships), some supportive and some downright unpleasant.
OP posts:
Rummikubfan · 03/10/2021 22:54

I’m the bereaved in this situation. I think if you’re mentioning a former partner who you were with a year a couple of times a month 20 years later I would find that weird. She’s part of your past. No harm in mentioning her name in that you had a partner who died but any more than that is a bit odd especially when it wasn’t a long relationship and you’ve had relationships since