Relationships after partner died

[TheFoundations]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the 'bereavement' section or here, but it's about new relationships, so here seems to make sense.

I had a partner about 20 years ago, who died of cancer. We were in our late 20s. We were together about a year. My partner was diagnosed terminally ill after we'd been together 5 months. I'm still very much in touch with the family, and we are all very dear to each other, having been through such a tough experience, all supporting each other.

I wonder how people generally would feel about this. I've had relationships since, some of whom have been uncomfortable with my connection with the family, uncomfortable with me mentioning my deceased partner, uncomfortable with my refusal to refer to them as an 'ex'.

Sometimes I talk about the past. My decease partner comes up in conversation occasionally, and their relatives are part of my life.

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it

This was my clearly stated question, @Tellmesomethinggirl, and I've posted it now because I've often wondered, over the years, but I've never been on a forum until recently. It's not the sort of thing you'd ask a big group of people in real life.

This was my clearly stated question, @Tellmesomethinggirl, and I've posted it now because I've often wondered, over the years, but I've never been on a forum until recently. It's not the sort of thing you'd ask a big group of people in real life.

Yes I understand that you have wondered about it over the years. But you seem quite defensive in your responses and I am wondering if there is something more to this that you are not mentioning?

You obviously want to honour your relationship with your gf of twenty years ago, that was cut short, far too soon. And you want to honour your ongoing relationship with her family which is admirable. And to most new partners, as long as this was done sensitively, that would be entirely reasonable, understandable and a positive thing.

So what is the problem exactly? Most people don't bother posting on the relationships board when everything is going right.

OP, you asked for people’s views but seem quite dismissive of anyone who sees an issue.

Seems to me it boils down to this-

• you have an absolute right to mention your late partner and to stay in close touch with her family.

• a number of your recent partners have found the extent to which you do this makes them uncomfortable.

So you either need to find a partner who is fine with it, or adapt your behaviour, or be single. Not sure how much more there is to say- telling people that they’re unreasonable to feel unhappy about how much your late partner is still part of your life isn’t actually going to change how they feel.

FWIW, the impression I get from your posts here is that you see your late partner very much as the One. If you also give this impression to new partners, I can see that that might make them feel as if the relationship has limited potential. Does that count as jealousy? No idea but it doesn’t really matter how you label it- it’s obviously a genuine response and one which has occurred more than once.

@Brian9600

OP, you asked for people’s views but seem quite dismissive of anyone who sees an issue

You're right. I've realised from hearing people's views that I don't need to change myself, so, yes, I am quite boundaried. I've never told anybody that they are unreasonable to feel how they feel. The only way to deal with this incompatibility is to not be with someone who feels that way. In recognising that this is how I view relationships, and other people's feelings, I expect the same from the people around me, and I'm happy with that.

I'm sure people will continue to comment about how they wouldn't like a relationship with someone who dealt with my situation in the way I do, and that's fine. I've got what I wanted from the thread, and I definitely won't be trying to have a relationship with those PPs, or anybody who shares their attitudes.

Relationships are about accepting the whole of a person. If I met someone with a late partner, I'd be to talk to me about that late partner, as long as it wasn't too excessive for me, and I felt that they had come out the other side of the grieving process sufficiently to be able to have new relationships. I certainly wouldn't expect that because they were in a relationship with me, I should shut up and get over it.

Does that count as jealousy? No idea but it doesn’t really matter how you label it- it’s obviously a genuine response and one which has occurred more than once

That doesn't make it ok or healthy for me though. You could say that about anything, good or bad. One of the two who took against it was verbally abusive to me (about this and other things) so I don't think I should be using their judgment of me as a way to measure myself.

I can see that that might make them feel as if the relationship has limited potential

If somebody feels that something about me makes someone feel that our relationship has limited potential, it does. But that doesn't mean I've done anything wrong.

It's fascinating how people see relationships.

I don't believe in the concept of 'the one', and even if I did, a precondition of being 'the one' would be being alive.

@Tellmesomethinggirl

I'm just curious. There isn't anything to be going 'right' or 'wrong' at the moment as I'm very happily single. You seem to want to impose some kind of pathology onto my query. I had a chat with a friend about the subject yesterday afternoon and posted a question I've had in my head for years.

People can be curious about what others think about a subject, without it being an ongoing issue or problem in their lives.

[quote TheFoundations]@Brian9600

OP, you asked for people’s views but seem quite dismissive of anyone who sees an issue

You're right. I've realised from hearing people's views that I don't need to change myself, so, yes, I am quite boundaried. I've never told anybody that they are unreasonable to feel how they feel. The only way to deal with this incompatibility is to not be with someone who feels that way. In recognising that this is how I view relationships, and other people's feelings, I expect the same from the people around me, and I'm happy with that.

I'm sure people will continue to comment about how they wouldn't like a relationship with someone who dealt with my situation in the way I do, and that's fine. I've got what I wanted from the thread, and I definitely won't be trying to have a relationship with those PPs, or anybody who shares their attitudes.

Relationships are about accepting the whole of a person. If I met someone with a late partner, I'd be to talk to me about that late partner, as long as it wasn't too excessive for me, and I felt that they had come out the other side of the grieving process sufficiently to be able to have new relationships. I certainly wouldn't expect that because they were in a relationship with me, I should shut up and get over it.

Does that count as jealousy? No idea but it doesn’t really matter how you label it- it’s obviously a genuine response and one which has occurred more than once

That doesn't make it ok or healthy for me though. You could say that about anything, good or bad. One of the two who took against it was verbally abusive to me (about this and other things) so I don't think I should be using their judgment of me as a way to measure myself.

I can see that that might make them feel as if the relationship has limited potential

If somebody feels that something about me makes someone feel that our relationship has limited potential, it does. But that doesn't mean I've done anything wrong.

It's fascinating how people see relationships.

I don't believe in the concept of 'the one', and even if I did, a precondition of being 'the one' would be being alive.[/quote]
Well then you have no problem, OP. Like others, I’m struggling to see what you wanted from this thread.

[quote TheFoundations]@Tellmesomethinggirl

I'm just curious. There isn't anything to be going 'right' or 'wrong' at the moment as I'm very happily single. You seem to want to impose some kind of pathology onto my query. I had a chat with a friend about the subject yesterday afternoon and posted a question I've had in my head for years.

People can be curious about what others think about a subject, without it being an ongoing issue or problem in their lives.[/quote]
If you say so TheFoundations

Honestly, it's up to you. Nothing anyone says on here is getting through to you, and you are sure that you don't need to change or adapt your behaviour so there isn't much more to say is there?

Good luck!

@Tellmesomethinggirl

That's right!

@Brian9600

I've stated upthread what I wanted from posting and I've also said that I've got that, now. If you're struggling to see what I want... erm.. well, ok then. Thats' fine with me.

There are some spectacularly rude people on here. There really are.

@JustLyra

There are some spectacularly rude people on here. There really are.

I agree but I don't know if you mean me or other posters

If I met someone with a late partner, I'd be to talk to me about that late partner, as long as it wasn't too excessive for me, and I felt that they had come out the other side of the grieving process sufficiently to be able to have new relationships

From your dscription though you do seem to be excessively talking about her and you do not seem to have finished grieving. For you to be mentioning a short relationship that happened 20 years ago 3 times in 6 months says to me you are still grieving.
All the best for the future OP, I hope that you come to terms with your loss.

For you to be mentioning a short relationship that happened 20 years ago 3 times in 6 months says to me you are still grieving

Well, I can tell you that I'm through the grieving process many years. I don't think there's an amount by which you can tick off 'grieving' and 'not grieving anymore'. Some people never mention someone who's died, because they are too heartbroken, and deep within the grief process. Some people can talk about the person often, because they have become comfortable with where the person sits in their past, and has relevance enough to be mentioned in the present.

People saying 'it was only a short relationship' really don't get it. This thread has made it much clearer to me what sort of mindsets in other people I really need to avoid.

Thanks for you good wishes, @MingeofDeath (that's quite a name )

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

It was 20 years ago. If you repeatedly mentioned it, I would run a mile. (and I'm a widow a lot more recently than you.)

Are you holding onto this as an example of an unattainable ideal, do you think?

This.

I was widowed 8 years ago, got married very young and had known him since I was about 2, I lived with his family for 5 years.

My husband doesn’t know much about him apart from his name.

What did your chat with your friend stir up for you OP? Did your friend think you need to stop or lessen references to your late partner to new partners?

I note in some of your posts you refer to her in the present tense and some people will not get or like this as they'll want your relationship with her to be finished, not ongoing. Whereas if she was a relative or platonic friend they might be happy to have her in your life in some way.

This is definitely something you can seek real life feedback about from people you trust. I also suggest that you might benefit from bereavement counselling as you don't seem curious, but rather quite prickly and almost protective of something and holding it close (I don't want to be an armchair therapist though!).

I guess what I may be picking up on is some feelings that could be explored in a safe space. If you have a strong reaction to that suggestion and feel irritated or angry about it then I'll quote Gloria Steinem - the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

My post isn't in any way intended as a criticism of you. I am genuine in my attempt to offer reflections here.

Maybe it's the fact that you're close to her family - building an even stronger bond after your girlfriend's death than before - that might be difficult?

A good friend of mine died in 2005. His Mum stayed close his partner to the point that when he got married, she went to his wedding. With their situation, it doesn't feel strange - some of us even got an invite to the evening bit!

But everyone & every situation is different. If some of your girlfriends can cope with this then they do & vice versa. I think it depends on the person.

What did your chat with your friend stir up for you OP? Did your friend think you need to stop or lessen references to your late partner to new partners

It didn't stir up anything. No, my friend said she doesn't see an issue with the way I talk about L every now and again, or with me being close to her family these days. It's generally the opinion of my friends and partners since, and made me question again why the two unpleasant experiences happened.

I'm prickly because people are assuming stuff into what I've said, telling me I feel things that I don't feel, and telling me things that they'd know weren't the case if they'd bothered to RTFT.

The truth about this situation came to me a long time ago, but this thread has done what I needed, and galvanising it. The truth is I'm where I want to be, in many areas of life, including this one, and if anybody doesn't want to accept me as I am, that's fine, but I'll choose not to be around them. I've plenty of 'safe spaces' ie strong friendships in which I could discuss the emotional aspects of this situation if I needed to, but it doesn't come up very often, other than, these days, a happy memory here and there, or a twang of a heartstring. Any partner who can't handle that isn't for me.

I'm not aware of referring to her in the present tense, and I can't see it in any of my posts. She's been dead 20 years. She's not been and isn't present. I have referred to her family in the present tense, because they are in my present.

@TheFoundations

I don’t mean you.

I’m not sure how I would feel… but I do know that it can be an issue for others.

My Aunt died in her 30s and her husband continued to be an important part of our extended family for some years. My grandparents (his parents in law) met some new partners over the years. But then he got a new partner and he broke off contact with us all. It was very sad especially for my grandparents and one uncle in particular who had been very close with him and considered him a friend as well as brother in law. But he wrote a letter saying that for the sake of his new relationship he needed to cut off contact. Tbh we all thought the letter didn’t sound like him and sounded like her. But there we go.
Why she felt upset/threatened by someone who had passed away I still don’t really understand but it was obviously an issue for her.

"I also suggest that you might benefit from bereavement counselling as you don't seem curious, but rather quite prickly and almost protective of something and holding it close (I don't want to be an armchair therapist though!).

I guess what I may be picking up on is some feelings that could be explored in a safe space. If you have a strong reaction to that suggestion and feel irritated or angry about it then I'll quote Gloria Steinem - the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

This.

Firstly, sorry for your loss which must have been completely devastating and heartbreaking and is something most people do not have to experience at such an early stage in life.

I'm curiously drawn to this thread because you posted your question apparently in the spirit of enquiry, but have been prickly and dismissive of anyone who appears to be questioning your approach. I also don't want to come across as an armchair therapist but something about your replies suggests that you feel a responsibility to keep your deceased partner's memory alive in a proactive way and that you may be in some way letting her down if you don't do this; perhaps there is even some (entirely misplaced) survivor's guilt that you have had the opportunity to live on and love others whereas she was deprived of that opportunity at a very young age.

Unless I've missed it, you haven't been very specific about how often you refer to your partner or how you talk about her but something about how you do it does seem to have been unsettling to varying degrees for at least some of your subsequent partners, perhaps also coupled with your ongoing closeness to her family. Something about the way you write suggests that you're almost using your experience as a shield in your later relationships. It seems to me that if you are as unquestioningly dismissive of subsequent partners' feelings about it as you are of people on this thread who have questioned your approach (and perhaps you aren't), you may be losing out on relationship opportunities from which you might otherwise have taken great pleasure and sustenance. That may be a choice you're happy with, of course, but from what you say it seems unlikely that your partner would have wanted you to be missing out in this way.

It’s hardly surprising the OP has been prickly to the number of people dismissing her relationship with her late partner as “a short relationship 20 years ago”.

It’s not remotely the same as someone ending a relationship that didn’t work and it’s quite staggering how rude some posters have been.

I cross-posted with your update, OP. Feel free to ignore my post.

@Fcuk38. Totally agree

I’m a widower of three years, we were together since we were 23 he died aged 38. I talk
About the situation, that I’m a widower but never about him much. This happened 20 years ago? I find it a little concerning this is such an issue for you so long after. I’m not minimising you’re grief far from it, but how can a new partner relate to something from 20 years ago and it’s almost like you already know yourself it will be an issue. I wonder if you sought help with your bereavement?

I think it’s this. I have pondered on this overnight as I’m widowed and in a new relationship. I have to mention my late husband as often things come up in relation to the children but I don’t talk about him or our relationship to my partner. I feel there’s a level of respect to my partner that he doesn’t need to know more than my husband was a good man and we had a good marriage. To still want to talk about a (short) relationship from 20 years ago does suggest to me that you have some real unresolved issues or that you’ve built up the relationship to such a level you can’t move past it

@JustLyra

It’s hardly surprising the OP has been prickly to the number of people dismissing her relationship with her late partner as “a short relationship 20 years ago”.

It’s not remotely the same as someone ending a relationship that didn’t work and it’s quite staggering how rude some posters have been.

She's also been quite prickly to people offering genuine advice or opinions she doesn't like. I definitely think there's a place for threads which are just about support for the OP but it's helpful if people say if that's what they are looking for. Asking for opinions then being snarky if people post opinions you don't like is always going to get people's backs up.

I agree completely that people should not dismiss the relationship.

@flipflopping Yet apparently fine for people to be snarky and dismissive to the OP repeatedly through the thread…

It’s hardly surprising the OP ended up defensive given the rudeness of some people

The inability to say “that wouldn’t be for me” rather than “you’re weird/obsessed/ridiculous” on here is quite staggering

definitely think there's a place for threads which are just about support for the OP but it's helpful if people say if that's what they are looking for. Asking for opinions then being snarky if people post opinions you don't like is always going to get people's backs up

I specifically asked

'If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?'

And have received many wildly inaccurate, and often rude, psychoanalyses of my grieving process, by people who have clearly not taken the time to RTFT, and don't understand the situation.

Inaccurately answering a personal question that hasn't been asked is bund to get people's backs up.