Relationships after partner died

[TheFoundations]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the 'bereavement' section or here, but it's about new relationships, so here seems to make sense.

I had a partner about 20 years ago, who died of cancer. We were in our late 20s. We were together about a year. My partner was diagnosed terminally ill after we'd been together 5 months. I'm still very much in touch with the family, and we are all very dear to each other, having been through such a tough experience, all supporting each other.

I wonder how people generally would feel about this. I've had relationships since, some of whom have been uncomfortable with my connection with the family, uncomfortable with me mentioning my deceased partner, uncomfortable with my refusal to refer to them as an 'ex'.

Sometimes I talk about the past. My decease partner comes up in conversation occasionally, and their relatives are part of my life.

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it
I can't answer that question, as you are the only one in your very particular position, acting in the way you do, placing whatever emphasis you do on what happened. You could have a twin to whom exactly the same thing happened and they would treat it differently.

In the same way, each individual whose life crosses yours will have a whole different background and set of experiences and attitudes. It's not a "me and them" situation, with a whole group of "us" treating you the same way.

Neither my partner or I have lost a girlfriend or boyfriend, but we have both lost friends, and we've talked about those friends to one another, e.g. when talking about death at an early age or starting again after the loss of a partner, or when passing their grave, or when reminiscing. These are people we knew years ago, and whom the other hasn't met. I wouldn't be surprised if my partner mentioned a gf he had lost 20 years ago, or if he was still in touch with her family. But that's my partner, not you.

@ravenmum

Thank you. You are one of the few who has answered the question I actually asked, and I really appreciate it.

@JustLyra

Thank you for your posts, all of them. I'm glad you joined the thread.

@TheFoundations

definitely think there's a place for threads which are just about support for the OP but it's helpful if people say if that's what they are looking for. Asking for opinions then being snarky if people post opinions you don't like is always going to get people's backs up

I specifically asked

'If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?'

And have received many wildly inaccurate, and often rude, psychoanalyses of my grieving process, by people who have clearly not taken the time to RTFT, and don't understand the situation.

Inaccurately answering a personal question that hasn't been asked is bund to get people's backs up.

Sure, I think you've had some rude and thoughtless responses. You've also responded rudely to some reasonable responses.

@flipflopping

Sure, I think you've had some rude and thoughtless responses. You've also responded rudely to some reasonable responses

I don't think I've been rude to anybody. Lets agree to differ.

I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who was still frequently mentioning a year long relationship from 20 years ago.

I wouldn't care about someone having a history of bereavement. I would care very much if it defined their future relationships to the extent you describe.

I can relate to this, but not sure what the answer is, and it is interesting reading all the responses.
I am in a somewhat similar position, in that my partner of 18 months died very suddenly 30 years ago when I was in my early 20s. Like you, this has massively shaped my life. About 20 years ago I moved to a completely different part of the county and kind of drew a line under it. I was in another relationship for about 17 years and we have 2 children ..... my new partner didn't feel comfortable when I talked about my dead partner, so I stopped doing so.
Over the last few years I have become increasingly aware that I have a lot of supressed grief, and that it has not been healthy for me to shut this part of myself off...I realised that almost none of the people who are important to me day to day know anything about him.
Since separating I have started to talk about my past a bit more, and compared to the protective walls I had up previously, it has enabled me to form deeper emotional connections to people. I have no interest in another relationship in which such a significant part of who I am is off limits.

My boyfriend died when he was 24 and I was 19. We had been together for a few years and had bought a house together. I have however been with DP about just shy of 30 years now. I can honestly say I never mention him althoughI do sometimesthink of him but he's gone, the past is the past. I think as you are still so close to her family is what keeps her memory alive. As a female I would feel uncomfortable with how you describe things.

@Time2Move

I don't think this thread is anything like real life. It's not a cross section of opinions at all. I've never had anybody say stuff to me like I'm seeing here. My close friends all know who L was, and who her family are. Some of them knew her and have met her family. Apart from one verbally abusive partner, and one partner who looked sad but wouldn't talk about it, I've never had a negative response in all these years, about my grieving process, or about how often/the way in which I mention L. People are generally touched that something so sad happened and with so much love, and/or that I'm still close with her family.

I hope that you have the support you need and can move forward in a way that feels peaceful for you.

I have no interest in another relationship in which such a significant part of who I am is off limits

This sounds very healthy, re the grieving process and anything else. I don't think love is love if you have to shut bits of yourself off for fear of hurting the other person. If those bits are too painful for them, they need to know about them, so that the incompatibility can be dealt with rather than hidden.

@Mantlemoose

I think as you are still so close to her family is what keeps her memory alive. As a female I would feel uncomfortable with how you describe things

Can you elaborate? I don't understand. Her memory is in me, regardless of her family. I live in the town she lived in; they don't. Her grave is here. Places we went to together are her. Even if I didn't see her family, I think it would be pretty heartless to want her memory to die.

What do you mean about 'as a female'? I can't tell what you're getting at, there.

Maybe some of the posters are a bit younger and don't have the same take on the time scale, or haven't had as much experience of losing friends. And generally, people who haven't met you and don't know you won't be able to guess what you are really like; all people on this forum can do is speak from their own experience. Sometimes they will say something that's totally off the mark. You can always ignore them.

The OP asks a question in general to calibrate your own experience. That experience is that people who have been close to you have questioned how you talk about L and told you it makes them uncomfortable. It’s something that has impacted on your recent life and others even though it happened 20 years ago.

Some of the pps have questioned your discourse and narrative about this person. Perhaps rudely or insensitively but I do thinks there is something there that needs to be questioned.

The most obvious thing is that having opened the debate you have immediately shut it down when it became uncomfortable. At the very least you are redefining and limiting the debate. This is why people are questioning how you have processed and lived with this period of your life. Of course they are going to question how you will process other things and whether thats something they can live with.

Another example is how you reference the sister. She has been your friend for 20 years. But to you she is referenced as L’s sister. After 20 years she should be your friend.

If s/he just described her as a friend, we wouldn't know why she had anything to do with this, would we?

The Op describes how a partner saw this friendship it was as Ls sister not the OPs friend.

That experience is that people who have been close to you have questioned how you talk about L and told you it makes them uncomfortable

Yes, 2 out of many who have not been uncomfortable in the slightest, My query is about the possible feelings of those 2, so the discussion I have shut down is that about my own state of mind, because that's not the discussion I opened, nor a discussion I'm interested in having.

But to you she is referenced as L’s sister. After 20 years she should be your friend

She is both. If I'd referred to her as 'a friend' on this thread, it wouldn't have been clear why I was talking about her, so I've had to reference her via L. I don't always, dependent on who I'm talking to and what about.

Anyway, as I said, I can see the unpleasant thinking behind those who deem me to need therapy/be doing it wrong/need to look harder at myself etc. I've met plenty of people in real life over the years who don't think like that, so I'll be sticking with them, and any new people/partners who have the same mindset.

At the very least you are redefining and limiting the debate

Of course I am. People are psychoanalysing my grief and my personality when they have no idea about me. Isn't welcome and I didn't ask for it.

Fuck me OP, back after a day of work, and your response is SO defensive! Suggesting therapy is not a blooming insult. I'm in it myself for other issues.

I'm hiding this thread now - be as utterly rude and dismissive as you want at everyone else, and lose people in real life, I don't care and to be honest think they're dodging a bullet.

It is really interesting how different people think about this.

I recognise in many of the comments a familiar cultural expectation of not mentioning deceased loved ones, particularly those who died some time ago. I think a lot of people think like that, that it is polite not to remind people of death because it can feel uncomfortable for one or both parties. That there is an expiry date on acceptable grief.

I think from your responses Foundations, that you have grieved your partner and have strong and healthy boundaries and recognise this as a values or perhaps experience difference.

How would I feel if I were your new partner? I would feel reassured that if I were to die that you wouldn't forget me and wouldn't be embarrassed by the discomfort of mortality to mention my name decades later if it came up naturally.

Love triumphs over death and fear of death.

@deeni

Fuck me OP, back after a day of work, and your response is SO defensive! Suggesting therapy is not a blooming insult. I'm in it myself for other issues.

I'm hiding this thread now - be as utterly rude and dismissive as you want at everyone else, and lose people in real life, I don't care and to be honest think they're dodging a bullet.

Thanks, I'm so glad you care!

Does make me wonder why you bothered posting though

Bye!

Lovely post @CinnamonMagic, especially this

Love triumphs over death and fear of death

Thank you.

Thanks, I'm so glad you care!

Does make me wonder why you bothered posting though

Bye!

This wasn't in reply to me but why so passive aggressive op? You honestly sound about eight years old! Most people are quite grateful when people take the time to post on their threads. But you only seem grateful for responses that confirm your own very strongly held beliefs. So it does make one wonder why you bothered to post.

I agree with Deeni I'm.afraid. How people respond to posters on here is quite revealing.

When people do not have the humility to consider even the slightest possibly that maybe their own behaviour or mindset may need a bit of a tweak; you know it is pointless responding to them.

I bet this all has less to do with the girlfriend you very sadly lost too soon and more to do with you being dismissive and defensive in the here and now, just as you have been on this thread.

[No doubt I will receive a faux cheery passive aggressive reply to this too! ]

Yeah it’s like the old “You can't change what you don't acknowledge.”..

@smoshbambi @Tellmesomethinggirl

If you read the OP, you'll see that I was asking for people's input on how they would respond in a particular situation.

At no point did I say I wanted advice on how to 'tweak' my personality or deal with my grief. I don't want advice on those things. I'm happy as I am, and have largely positive responses from partners and friends regarding this situation. I don't want to change or acknowledge anything. I've done my grieving and I'm happy with where I'm at. You might not agree, but nobody asked you about this. You're not qualified to tell me how I should be. It's not your business.

Don't expect a welcoming response when you give unsolicited advice to somebody about how they can change themselves. Stop psychoanalysing me and finding fault. I'm not interested in your criticisms of me.

@TheFoundations Honestly, I would respond with not getting involved with you in any way. I would find your behaviour and your mindset very odd.

But op you can't police how posters respond to you when you post on an open public forum. You need to be prepared to take what you consider to be the good with the bad. And don't treat everyone like they are idiots. You may not welcome certain insights but people are offering them because you are displaying certain traits in your responses. You have no control over how people respond to that.