Relationships after partner died

[TheFoundations]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the 'bereavement' section or here, but it's about new relationships, so here seems to make sense.

I had a partner about 20 years ago, who died of cancer. We were in our late 20s. We were together about a year. My partner was diagnosed terminally ill after we'd been together 5 months. I'm still very much in touch with the family, and we are all very dear to each other, having been through such a tough experience, all supporting each other.

I wonder how people generally would feel about this. I've had relationships since, some of whom have been uncomfortable with my connection with the family, uncomfortable with me mentioning my deceased partner, uncomfortable with my refusal to refer to them as an 'ex'.

Sometimes I talk about the past. My decease partner comes up in conversation occasionally, and their relatives are part of my life.

If you were considering a new relationship with someone in my position, how would you feel about it?

@TheFoundations

It's not jealousy

What is it? It feels like jealousy from this side. When a new partner can't deal with how much they think you love a previous partner, regardless of the fact that there's no threat. I don't understand how that can be defined as anything but jealousy?

It could be insecurity or lack of self esteem. It could be that you don't notice how intertwined you are with her family. If the relationship is more about them being like family to you now maybe you're not expressing that clearly.

The options really boil down to you are expressing an amount of love for her that makes girlfriends uncomfortable or that their reaction is a reflection of who they are or how they've been treated in the past. Could be all of the above to some extent.

I think if you’re mentioning a former partner who you were with a year a couple of times a month

I don't.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

It could be insecurity or lack of self esteem

Then it's jealousy.

It could be that you don't notice how intertwined you are with her family

My partner doesn't get to set the boundaries on how close I am to other people in my life, and nor do I think they should.

This is helpful, thank you!

I find a lot of these responses quite shocking. I lost my partner of 4 years unexpectedly 6 years ago, we were both in our twenties. I mention him all the time and absolutely would never refer to him as an ex as that is not what he is! His life ended, not our relationship. I have a loving, kind and understanding partner who very much encourages me to talk about my feelings so he can support me. He understands that I am impacted by the tragedy every day it has affected how I perceive things. He has never felt jealous or not let me talk about my previous partner, I don’t think I could be with someone that did. People that haven’t experienced a loss, particularly such an enormous one, can not begin to imagine the affects it has on you - even 20 years later. You are not unreasonable to talk about her at all, please continue to do so!

@Craftgirlx

I find a lot of these responses quite shocking

Me too, but as you clearly know, and as I already knew before I posted, this shocking response is not the only response that new partners have. Some people don't seem to get it at all, but that's the same with anything in life. A PP said, helpfully, that it's a problem in itself if a partner isn't supportive. Its a very good point, and I'm glad I'm not looking to date some of the PP's here!

I'm glad you've found somebody who understands, and I'm sorry about your previous partner

Yes, I absolutely think that mentioning a few times a month a gf that died 20 years ago whom you were with for a very short time is slightly odd, tbh. I mean I know plenty of people whose children, siblings, parents died a shorter time ago than that and they don’t mention them once every year, let alone a few times a month!!
You can’t help it if your mind wanders to them sometimes, and as you say, she was and is clearly v important to you. And if you are friends with her family then that’s totally fair enough. But I wouldn’t take anymore about her to your current partner. Our partners don’t need to know everything in our heads...it’s sometimes kinder to keep our thoughts and memories to ourselves 🙂

I'd expect something like this to be shared at an appropriate point, early in the relationship, of 'here are some of the big things that happened in my life that have shaped who I am' and maybe also 'here's why this person/ family are important to me and why we do x on this date'.

But beyond that... you hold these very tender things in your heart, your new partner can never share them with your intensity. You need to navigate between you how you each react and respond.

I had a similar situation, except we were together four years, he died quite suddenly of cancer after a short 3 month battle. I was 23 and he 24.

His mum referred to me as her DIL, and she leaned very heavily on me when he died.

I saw her weekly for over a year, then it started to naturally become less.

That's now 17 years ago, I've been married and divorced since, as well as one other long term relationship.

It's never come up as an issue, I almost never mention him nowadays as so much time has passed that it's rare that something relevant would come up in conversation.

I'm also aware that to bring up something like this is difficult for people to hear, it's obviously had an impact on who I am today but it certainly doesn't define me.

I think it would be odd to bring up conversation about a dead ex from so long ago.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

I don't mention her anything like that often. RTFT.

I don't think we should silence ourselves in front of our partners. If our partners can't handle what goes on inside us, I think it's incompatibility, and that's fine. I'd never insist anybody stay with me if they didn't like the way I am, but similarly, I'm not going to change myself to fit what somebody wants me to be.

I don't think she gets to set the boundaries either, it's good to know what your personal boundaries are.

I thought you'd say that. I'd disagree that low self esteem would be the same as being jealous. Insecurity could be, but it also could be more about how they feel about themselves. I know personally when I think someone doesn't like me as a friend I'm not feeling jealous of the person they're better friends with I feeling worthless about myself. It's not the same at all, though both are corrosive.

I was thinking about it and whatever the reason it boils down to a lack of trust within the relationship. I've always trusted H that way, if he'd lost someone that way I'd feel sad that he'd gone through that and I'd be happy to listen as long as it didn't take over our lives. That person would be a part of why he became who he became. It wouldn't bother me, because I trusted him. A lack of trust means a relationship is fundamentally flawed.

You obviously don’t want opinions, so good luck in finding new relationships, not sounding odd as fuck bringing up a one-year relationship 20 years ago. It’s up to you what you want your future to be (not past), so obviously do what you want and best of luck.

I was thinking about it and whatever the reason it boils down to a lack of trust within the relationship. I've always trusted H that way, if he'd lost someone that way I'd feel sad that he'd gone through that and I'd be happy to listen as long as it didn't take over our lives. That person would be a part of why he became who he became. It wouldn't bother me, because I trusted him. A lack of trust means a relationship is fundamentally flawed

This is really nice, @LunaAndHerMoonDragons, and sums up what I think is healthy, and what I've experienced in previous relationships. I think I'd feel the same as you; if you have trust, previous relationships are simply not a threat, and are part of the person's history. If you love somebody, you accept that their past is a part of them, and sometimes they will talk about it.

@smoshbambi

You obviously don’t want opinions, so good luck in finding new relationships, not sounding odd as fuck bringing up a one-year relationship 20 years ago. It’s up to you what you want your future to be (not past), so obviously do what you want and best of luck.

Thank you! I think I will. Great advice!

People are very odd about about late partners. The difference in the way DH - widowed and with a child - is accepted by everyone as occasionally mentioning his late wife is so, so different to his best mate (they met at a support group) mentioning his late partner, even though his mate and his partner were together longer!

FWIW DH’s first wife is mentioned as and when it comes up in this house. Sometimes it’s often for a while and other times it’s not for ages.
He’s also very close to her family, and they’re a part of our life yet.

People who don’t want to be with someone who is still close to a late partners family are entitled to do what they want, but that just means they’re not the right person for you.

@JustLyra

People are very odd about about late partners

As evidenced on this thread!

FWIW DH’s first wife is mentioned as and when it comes up in this house. Sometimes it’s often for a while and other times it’s not for ages

Yes, I find (quite naturally) that when I've spoken to her family I'll talk about her more and then might not. Like anything else from the past, sometimes things are more 'here' than others.

People who don’t want to be with someone who is still close to a late partners family are entitled to do what they want, but that just means they’re not the right person for you

Yes, thanks for this. I can't be with someone who is uncomfortable about L. I'm very settled with the way I feel about her, and somebody who doesn't accept that doesn't accept the whole me, and so wouldn't be a suitable partner.

I wouldn't like it op. I would think that I could never compete with a dead person who you only had the first flush of love and then they were diagnosed and then died. All your feelings must have been amplified. And it is odd to still be so intertwined with her family in my opinion.

I talk about my exes occasionally but only about the long term exes. The one who I was with for 18 months 20 years ago don't think I've talked about him because he doesn't even register. The other ones because I was with for a lot longer so it is more about my history than them.

Sorry but you’d only been together for a year, I’d be a bit about it.

I wonder if you come across as unavailable? Holding a part of yourself back? It could also be lack of shared experience. If you are dating people who have never been bereaved they just won’t get it. You went through a traumatic experience that has changed you and shapes you. My advice is to only date people with high levels of empathy who have been through similar experiences

@twoandeights

I wonder if you come across as unavailable? Holding a part of yourself back? It could also be lack of shared experience. If you are dating people who have never been bereaved they just won’t get it. You went through a traumatic experience that has changed you and shapes you. My advice is to only date people with high levels of empathy who have been through similar experiences

Well, I've had successful relationships since she died, so if I come across as unavailable, it's only to those who don't get it. Clearly lots of people don't, as there's many PPs saying I need to move on and not to talk about her. Some of these comments are downright offensive and so lacking in empathy it's startling. I can start to see a bit of the background thinking behind the opinions of the couple of exes who have had trouble, and it really highlights that that's not the sort of person I'd want to be with anyway. Very cold, harsh, and judgmental.

I think that people who haven't been bereaved can get it, but it's about being secure, not seeing a dead person as competition, and, as you say, empathy. Thank you for your advice. You're right, and those who don't get it get filtered out anyway because it feels horrible in general to be around unempathic people.

I think you're asking how a lost love features in our lives now? Personally I never say Y used to do that or like that. I will say "thank you Y bought it for me" if complimented on something and asked about it directly. I never refer to him as my ex because it was a relationship that got caught short, it did not naturally end. I refer to him as my first husband. I will similarly only mention his family if it directly comes up. I would not see something that reminds me of him or them and then voluntarily say X's sister likes that. I would say I'm meeting X's sister for coffee next month.

For the first few years if I was particularly sad on certain days of significance and my new partner could tell and asked me about it, I would say why. It lessened over time but can still crop up. Generally I choose to share any feelings about the past and conversation about how that love and loss shaped me with people other than my partner, as that feels more appropriate.

That's just me though and grief is so personal.

I’m a widower of three years, we were together since we were 23 he died aged 38. I talk
About the situation, that I’m a widower but never about him much. This happened 20 years ago? I find it a little concerning this is such an issue for you so long after. I’m not minimising you’re grief far from it, but how can a new partner relate to something from 20 years ago and it’s almost like you already know yourself it will be an issue. I wonder if you sought help with your bereavement?

I'm a widow. We were married 20 years and 2 DC.

There are some people I would talk to about him as they knew him.
I wouldn't talk about him with a new partner other than a brief history that were were married, had children, and he got cancer and died.

It's not jealously. I feel it would be disrespectful to my new partner. My new partner wouldn't have known him.

I can see you dwelling on your deceased partner as a way to keep someone new at arm's length.

Maybe some more therapy would help getting enough closure to where you can put someone new first.

I think you'd really benefit from talking to a therapist again about this pattern and unpicking it together.

I don't think you should just mentally say to yourself after this thread, "well, if future partners don't respond perfectly, then they are selfish, cold and judgmental, and I will break up with them".

You might be losing people who could have meant something amazing. They just don't know how to respond. People don't always deal well with other peoples traumas, and yes okay, maybe they ARE all unempathetic horrible arseholes (they exist!) - yet you liked them enough to try having a relationship to begin with.

Because it's happened so many times, is there a chance that you both anticipate and react to their reactions, whatever they are, in ways that make it a big deal? Sort of like having some secret test and building it all up in your head?

Anyway, whatever the cause, something keeps happening that puts up blocks between you and people you like. A real life therapist might be able to help you communicate across this barrier better.

It's not 'such an issue' @Fcuk38. As i said in my OP, I just wondered how people would feel, and it's not the sort of thing you'd ask a group of people IRL.

Partners have been able to relate to my situation, so, yes, I know it will be an issue, but only with people who make it into one. I just need to avoid people like that, but that's what I do anyway. I didn't seek help with bereavement, because I went through a normal grieving process, which I understood having lost my mum as a young adult.

I feel much more confident having posted this thread. I can see the questions people who don't get it have, and it's made it clear to me that these are just people I can stay away from, rather than change anything about what I'm doing.

That's generally my advice to people re relationships, anyway; be who you are, respond naturally to things. Not everybody will like it, but you don't need them to!

@deeni

I don't think you should just mentally say to yourself after this thread, "well, if future partners don't respond perfectly, then they are selfish, cold and judgmental, and I will break up with them

It's happened twice, in short term relationships. It's not a major issue, I was just curious. I don't know where you've got the 'secret test' idea from, that's fanciful. Or that I make it a big deal. There's a lot of assuming on this thread, much of it about things where I've very clearly stated the opposite.

I'm not going to hold onto somebody who 'might be amazing' if they're behaving in a way that's incompatible with my values. That's scarcity mentality, and minimising my own feelings. As I've said repeatedly, I've had relationships with people who were quite comfortable with me talking about L, and have opened conversations about her themselves, so it's not an impossible ask that somebody accept her position in my history and thoughts.

Thanks to everybody for your responses; I'm happy to have had some comments to back up that although there are people who won't understand, it's fine for a deceased partner to remain important to you throughout your life, and it's fine to talk about them.

There are clearly some pretty unpleasant and unaccepting attitudes out there too, but the best thing to do with unpleasant attitudes is to walk away from them.

What were you hoping to clarify by posting here op if you don't mind me asking?

What prompted you to ask about this now on a public forum?