Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

[Isla248]

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

@ScumbagDave

Passive aggression at its finest. And I'm out!

Bloody hell.

I work in a male dominated field.

It would be pretty shit all round if we couldn't have the odd lunch together.

I also see one particular ex-colleague fairly regularly and may even dare to have dinner.

Ooh errr.

I really wasn't being in any way aggressive towards you and I'm sorry that's how it came across.

All the best!

@AhNowTed, same here, but discussing my personal circumstances isn't the same as discussing op's which are different to mine.

It would be mad wouldn't it? If people on here had said women and men could never have lunch together 🤣? Luckily nobody has.

I'm another one wary of women who only want to connect with men.
I think you possibly do feel something is wrong, otherwise you wouldn't have asked mumsnet.
Just becareful.

I do think it's inappropriate, but different marriages have different boundaries. Only you know those in your marriage and how this feels.

I would also worry that this could hurt his wife, I wouldn't want to be perceived as a potential threat and cause distress to anyone else.

If you went to lunch with my DH I would be distressed. Others wouldn't though.

I am married and frequently have lunch with married and unmarried colleagues. As does my husband.

I don't get what the issue is.

I click well with guys more than girls.

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Why do you find this so red flaggy? What does it mean to you? It's not rare and it's not a signifier of an unfaithful partner (as evidence by loads of PPs)

It's red flags to me because women that say a version of 'I get on better with guys' screams that they
-lump all women together as one homogenous mass
-believe they're 'not like other girls' in a lot of cases
-seem to have some kind of internalised misogyny.

The he's curious about my husband bit is very odd. I wouldn't meet up with a female colleague and be curious about their husband. It would be invasive and boundary crossing. So I don't think this is what it purports to be at all

@Tillysfad

The he's curious about my husband bit is very odd. I wouldn't meet up with a female colleague and be curious about their husband. It would be invasive and boundary crossing. So I don't think this is what it purports to be at all

It's totally normal to say 'What does your husband think of your plans to x' or 'How does your wife feel about your xyz hobby?' or 'What does your partner do for a living? Do they enjoy it?'

Isn't it?

Depends. If the questions all added to to my being able to say 'she's curious about my husband" then I would find it odd and intrusive actually. But maybe I'd find you intrusive and you find yourself perfectly normal!

It all seems to be perfectly innocent, OP says she doesn't fancy her lunch partner. Nothing wrong with it at all. Though shouldn't the man be paying more attention to and time with his pregnant wife? Maybe checking in with her at lunchtimes rather than having lunch with another woman.

@arield

I click well with guys more than girls.

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Why do you find this so red flaggy? What does it mean to you? It's not rare and it's not a signifier of an unfaithful partner (as evidence by loads of PPs)

It's red flags to me because women that say a version of 'I get on better with guys' screams that they
-lump all women together as one homogenous mass
-believe they're 'not like other girls' in a lot of cases
-seem to have some kind of internalised misogyny.

It doesn't scream anything. If you hear screaming, that's the voice of your assumptions, not anything OP's said or done. Otherwise we'd all be able to hear it, and many, many PPs can't hear a thing.

Meanwhile.......

Op's friends wife has gone into labour.
Unfortunately he couldn't be contacted as he had switched his phone off whist he was having lunch with op.

Her friend is now at the hospital after going back into work and his colleagues, who were also unable to contact him told him to get his skates on and get to the labour ward.

Unfortunately he was late and missed the birth, and the talk of the office is that both op and her 'friend' were together and missing.

Op is feeling a little left out of the friendship now, disgruntled that she secretly wishes she had met her friend before he had this huge life change. New friend is off now on paternity leave and op is back to throwing daggers at her previously unfaithfully husband, whereas befor she could sit sound in the knowledge she was planning retribution for his betrayal.

People do not come onto mumsnet to question absolutely innocent friendships, they can't be arsed.

My husband used to have a work girlfriend and they’d go to the gym 😂 Now, he and I plus his work girlfriend and her husband are all really good mates and see each other regularly. I think it’s totally fine but it depends on your relationship. You don’t need the approval of strangers on the internet, so what feels right for you.

I'm another one wary of women who only want to connect with men.

^ me too. As if there is something fundamentally lacking or OTT in women that they can't 'click' with.

@MsDogLady

You are a gregarious person who is very lonely and vulnerable due to your H’s infidelity and your wfh. You and your colleague have been building a connection via training together, frequent chatting, and 2 lunches out. You value and enjoy your discussions about work and life.

Your colleague instigated the initial chat. He has been quite inquisitive about your H, even asking what H would want in certain situations, which does suggest that he is making comparisons. You, however, have not inquired about his W at all on a personal level.

You are vulnerable and he may also be, as his life is changing with the pregnancy and impending birth. Of concern is that one or both of you are at risk for moving into an emotional reliance mode or a pursuit of ego validation.

I am wondering why, during all of your chats, you have avoided asking your friend even a single question about his W or family life?

I am also wondering if your H has been remorseful and proactive in restoring your security and trust. Does he understand or care about how lonely you are?

Thank you for such a constructive response.

I have been lonely for years and H knows. He’s been in contact with me escorts on and off but says he gets off calling them but doesn’t actually meet. This started 4 years ago. I have never turned to a man for an ego boost or to satisfy my loneliness. You’re right, there is a risk and I felt more comfortable being myself with my colleague because he’s married and there is a natural boundary there. He says I have a big personality, and it’s nice to occasionally chat without anything untoward.

We had one particular chat where we talked about weight and i mentioned needing to lose three stones and was joking about it, as he is slim and said he’d been losing weight. He then asked if my husband has a problem with my weight and if my husband was happy with my body, would I be happy. This convo stuck in my head and made me actually consider the question and I had a chat to my close friend about it. This then opened up the whole debate about why I’m even chatting to a married man. Hence, why I came on here. I’ve screenshot the comments and sent it, as a lot are constructive.

I don’t ask about his wife, as some people are private and I don’t know him well enough, nor am I interested in her. I have asked how far she is in the pregnancy and how’s she’s feeling. Other than that, he’s volunteered information about her when he’s asked about my H.

Sorry for the ramblings.

@Onthedunes

Meanwhile.......

Op's friends wife has gone into labour.
Unfortunately he couldn't be contacted as he had switched his phone off whist he was having lunch with op.

Her friend is now at the hospital after going back into work and his colleagues, who were also unable to contact him told him to get his skates on and get to the labour ward.

Unfortunately he was late and missed the birth, and the talk of the office is that both op and her 'friend' were together and missing.

Op is feeling a little left out of the friendship now, disgruntled that she secretly wishes she had met her friend before he had this huge life change. New friend is off now on paternity leave and op is back to throwing daggers at her previously unfaithfully husband, whereas befor she could sit sound in the knowledge she was planning retribution for his betrayal.

People do not come onto mumsnet to question absolutely innocent friendships, they can't be arsed.

Please set the example and don’t comment unnecessarily.

For anyone’s benefit - if I was going to cheat! I’d find a hunky escort! Not a mellow married man!

@SimoneSimone

It all seems to be perfectly innocent, OP says she doesn't fancy her lunch partner. Nothing wrong with it at all. Though shouldn't the man be paying more attention to and time with his pregnant wife? Maybe checking in with her at lunchtimes rather than having lunch with another woman.

We’re all working from home. He left home to meet for lunch, as he always goes out for his lunch.

@TheFoundations

But based on her posts there are definite warning signs which I know I'd be wary of in her shoes

What warning signs? I've just had a look through all of OP's posts and she's repeatedly and clearly stated that she has no attraction to this man. She's now also told her husband about this, who hasn't really understood why she felt the need to. It's hardly a situation on the brink of a treacherous slippery slope, is it? She's just got uncomfortable about a friend making untrue assertions about her situation.

Thank you so much for your understanding! It means a great deal

If your husband visits escorts you need to leave him.

Easier said than done when you are feeling lonely, isolated and lacking in confidence, due to being treated with contempt by your husband.

But hooking up friendships with married men will not help you in the long run, it sounds as though you wish for a friend to hold your hand and be a knight in shinning armour to help to regain your confidence.

This will only hurt this mans wife if you befriend him further for this reason.
Really if you are a gregarious person, have faith in splitting from your husband in the fact your world will open up and you can make new male friendships with single men that can lead to relationships if you wish.

Clearly the enormous issue is your husband's disgusting behaviour op.

I'm so sorry you've been through that. No wonder you are feeling down and lonely.

Can you talk to anyone IRL about your marriage problems? Think the friend issue is a bit of a red herring! You have way bigger fish to fry (and so does he tbh - he's about to have a new baby).

@Onthedunes

Meanwhile.......

Op's friends wife has gone into labour.
Unfortunately he couldn't be contacted as he had switched his phone off whist he was having lunch with op.

Her friend is now at the hospital after going back into work and his colleagues, who were also unable to contact him told him to get his skates on and get to the labour ward.

Unfortunately he was late and missed the birth, and the talk of the office is that both op and her 'friend' were together and missing.

Op is feeling a little left out of the friendship now, disgruntled that she secretly wishes she had met her friend before he had this huge life change. New friend is off now on paternity leave and op is back to throwing daggers at her previously unfaithfully husband, whereas befor she could sit sound in the knowledge she was planning retribution for his betrayal.

People do not come onto mumsnet to question absolutely innocent friendships, they can't be arsed.

Meanwhile...

Onthedunes was spotted by the Eastenders storyline team...

OP isn't questioning her friendship, she's questioning her friend's assertions about the friendship.

You're welcome, @Isla248. Your thread appears to have gone a bit bananas, I bet you got more than you bargained for!

@Fluffypastelslippers

I don't think you would be asking if there was no underlying intent somewhere tbh, even if you can't spot it yet. Most people manage their friendships without looking for validation.

There are plenty of women who'll assume that if you're sitting alone at the same table as a male friend, you're in danger of an affair.

You get twitchy after a while, simply because you get tired of unspoken and often enough spoken assumptions that there's more going on. It's certainly easier to be friends only with women, in the UK.

@Onthedunes

If your husband visits escorts you need to leave him.

Easier said than done when you are feeling lonely, isolated and lacking in confidence, due to being treated with contempt by your husband.

But hooking up friendships with married men will not help you in the long run, it sounds as though you wish for a friend to hold your hand and be a knight in shinning armour to help to regain your confidence.

This will only hurt this mans wife if you befriend him further for this reason.
Really if you are a gregarious person, have faith in splitting from your husband in the fact your world will open up and you can make new male friendships with single men that can lead to relationships if you wish.

He’s a great dad and the only proof I have is that he searches for them and calls them. I don’t know if he’s never met one.