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Original poster

Can a married man and woman go to lunch together?

267 replies

Isla248 · 30/09/2021 21:09

Hi Ladies!

Before anyone jumps down my throat - I am a married woman who has no intention whatsoever to cheat. Let’s get that bit out of the way...I click well with guys more than girls. Me and this guy started a new job at the same time and we’re trained together. Naturally we connected, he started messaging on email and sometimes we have mini random convos. I’m quite out there and he’s more quiet and laidback. We’ve been to two lunches recently. One was after joint work we did together and the other, I spontaneously asked if he was free and he met me in a public cafe. We were there for no longer than an hour, talked about work, his pregnant wife and he is curious about my husband and has asked multiple questions about him since we’ve talked.

He doesn’t flirt or talk badly about his wife, just a normal human connection and with home-working, it’s nice to see other co-workers (I do this with other colleagues too but he is the only guy in the team).

I had a heated discussion with my married friends and they think the situation is all wrong. I was confident in defending myself but is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle. I’m just being my total self here!

OP posts:
ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 12:16

And I only know the specific circumstances because she's told us, so irl I'd never comment as I likely wouldn't know.

RobinPenguins · 01/10/2021 12:19

I’m married and have married friends of the opposite sex. Why wouldn’t it be ok for us to go for lunch or tea or a drink? DH also has married friends who are his friends, not mine. I see this as normal and your friends reaction as the odd thing here.

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 12:29

@ScumbagDave

Because she is asking, so it's worth considering the possibility

OP has specifically stated that she doesn't find her male friend attractive. She's not asking the question 'Do I fancy my friend?', she's asking the question 'Is it wrong to have a friendship with him, given that I don't find him attractive?'

Your assumption is that OP is either lying about or unaware of her feelings. It's patronising.

MacaroniSaysShetlandPony · 01/10/2021 12:34

Wouldn’t bother me or my DH but I do recognise other people have issues with this, sometimes very vehement. For me, it’s all about how secure your relationship is? If you and your DH are fine with it, 🤷🏼‍♀️ what anyone else thinks?

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 12:34

I don't think it's hard to see from op's comments, that she might be vulnerable to doing something she otherwise wouldn't. If she finds that patronising, and I'm completely off base for thinking it, well sorry about that. But based on her posts there are definite warning signs which I know I'd be wary of in her shoes. But like anything on Mumsnet, there is no way of knowing. There's always a level of speculation based on a few posts by an op. I assume if she didn't want that she'd have asked irl...except irl is exactly where the accusations of something else going on has come from so maybe not!

arield · 01/10/2021 12:40

.I click well with guys more than girls.

⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 12:41

And putting aside my thoughts about the op being a bit vulnerable at the minute, (seeing as they might be seen by her as patronising), and purely answering her question; Can a married man and woman go out for lunch? Yes, they can. Whether they should depends on the circumstances.

If she doesn't want me or anyone to get into those circumstances then that's^^ my bare bones answer.

TartanJumper · 01/10/2021 12:42

Inherently, of course there is nothing wrong with it. Women and men can be friends without there being anything more to it.
The issues arise if either his wife or your husband are not happy with it, or if you are not telling them because they wouldn't like it.

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 12:45

But based on her posts there are definite warning signs which I know I'd be wary of in her shoes

What warning signs? I've just had a look through all of OP's posts and she's repeatedly and clearly stated that she has no attraction to this man. She's now also told her husband about this, who hasn't really understood why she felt the need to. It's hardly a situation on the brink of a treacherous slippery slope, is it? She's just got uncomfortable about a friend making untrue assertions about her situation.

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 12:46

@arield

.I click well with guys more than girls.

⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️

Why do you find this so red flaggy? What does it mean to you? It's not rare and it's not a signifier of an unfaithful partner (as evidence by loads of PPs)
ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 12:46

I've already mentioned them several times on here. I may be off base. You may disagree with me entirely, but I'm far from the only person on here who picked up on them.

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 12:47

@TheFoundations

But based on her posts there are definite warning signs which I know I'd be wary of in her shoes

What warning signs? I've just had a look through all of OP's posts and she's repeatedly and clearly stated that she has no attraction to this man. She's now also told her husband about this, who hasn't really understood why she felt the need to. It's hardly a situation on the brink of a treacherous slippery slope, is it? She's just got uncomfortable about a friend making untrue assertions about her situation.

That last post was in response to this, sorry.
TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 12:49

And far from the only person to knock them flat, either! Trust and healthy relationships are inseparably linked. I can't believe so many would leap to distrust their partner for such an innocent thing. It's very sad.

applechips · 01/10/2021 12:53

TheFoundations

applechips
I’m not attracted to him, I’m just very lonely and need a friend

This stood out to me OP, I think you should re-evaluate your relationship.

Why? All of us have all our friends so that we don't get lonely. Given that it is specifically stated here that this friendship isn't to do with physically attraction, what part of it do you think needs re-evaluating?

I meant the OPs relationship with her ‘D’H, sure marriages have ups and downs but to feel lonely in a marriage is massive sign something is wrong.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 01/10/2021 12:53

I work with men, almost all of them are married or have girlfriends. If I didn’t lunch, socialise with them then I would be failing at my job and cast as an outsider. I see no issue with it tbh

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 13:04

@applechips

I meant the OPs relationship with her ‘D’H, sure marriages have ups and downs but to feel lonely in a marriage is massive sign something is wrong

If you think marriage should be providing all the validation a person needs, you're way off.

Fluffypastelslippers · 01/10/2021 13:06

@TheFoundations

Friendship is all about validation. Friends are people who we can talk to about things that matter to us, and be understood. A friend who doesn't validate you doesn't (or shouldn't) be a friend for long.

I wasn't talking about being validated by friends though. I was talking about OP trying to have mumsnet validate her friendship.

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 13:11

is there something I’m missing? Am I truly misleading this person or sending the wrong signal? I thought I’d get a different opinion because I don’t want to fall out with anyone or get into a pickle

It's not a question of having the friendship validated. It's just a 'settle this argument for me'.

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 13:18

@TheFoundations

And far from the only person to knock them flat, either! Trust and healthy relationships are inseparably linked. I can't believe so many would leap to distrust their partner for such an innocent thing. It's very sad.
I don't distrust my partner, but then, I haven't just cheated on him, so it's a different scenario entirely. He doesn't have a leg to stand on btw if he did kick up a stink and say she couldn't have lunch with this guy. But, just based on my experience when relationships are just getting over something as traumatic as an affair or having a baby, it CAN (not always), mean you need to be pretty cautious in how you handle things.

It doesn't mean anything bad against either of them. It doesn't mean they are bad people. Just that they may be vulnerable to doing something they may regret.

I mean, you can be sad about it all you like, but the reality is, there are points in relationships where you need to be a little more careful. That's my experience anyway. And assuming you really want your relationship to survive. Fine and understandable if op doesn't! But bringing another party into it (IF she did, not saying she will at all), makes it very messy.

Maybe I'm dead wrong. She and her DH are stronger than ever etc, but caution never hurt anyone. Again, I've never said they cannot be friends, just that I advise caution and I've said why, based on some of op's posts. Maybe I'm reading them wrong, but she sounds very lonely and down. So yeah, caution is all, if she wants her marriage to survive.

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 13:20

[quote TheFoundations]@applechips

I meant the OPs relationship with her ‘D’H, sure marriages have ups and downs but to feel lonely in a marriage is massive sign something is wrong

If you think marriage should be providing all the validation a person needs, you're way off.[/quote]
Confused

She didn't say that at all. She said she needed to re-evaluate her relationship and you misread it and she corrected you. Are you...ok? Does it always have to be your way or nothing?

applechips · 01/10/2021 13:29

TheFoundations

You are rather defensive - has my post struck a nerve with you ?

I absolutely stand by my comments earlier - feeling lonely in a marriage is never a good sign, and if you can’t see that then I don’t think you have a good grasp on what healthy relationships look like.

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 13:30

And closing your mind off entirely so you can 'knock other people's views flat' doesn't mean you're more insightful or correct; just a bit more aggressive and hard headed 🤷‍♀️.

At no point have I spoken in absolute terms about the op's situation. It's healthy imo to keep an open mind to the fact that you may be a bit vulnerable than to say "that would never happen - fingers in ears tralala". Just my view and you can (and probably will) disagree Grin

Yes, I did tell someone to politely do one yesterday, but that's because they were so keen to prove why they like men better than women and this was COMPLETELY FINE OK??, that they were derailing the thread.

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 13:31

Are you...ok? Does it always have to be your way or nothing

Your patronising hits new levels. Feel free to have the last word. You'll be glad to hear I can't be bothered any further!

ScumbagDave · 01/10/2021 13:35

@TheFoundations

Are you...ok? Does it always have to be your way or nothing

Your patronising hits new levels. Feel free to have the last word. You'll be glad to hear I can't be bothered any further!

Not at all! I'm really sorry my posts have upset you so much. That honestly hasn't been my intention at all. I'm really pretty open minded about op's situation. But I see that you aren't.

When people make sweeping statements about how men are so much cooler than laydees to hang out with though... Yes, I'll admit that grinds my gears Grin

But I'd be open to another thread about it. This just isn't the one for that conversation.

I'll leave you be now of course @TheFoundations. I would never continue to badger someone who didn't want to converse with me as that's extremely rude and weird.

All the best to you Flowers

TheFoundations · 01/10/2021 13:36

@applechips

TheFoundations

You are rather defensive - has my post struck a nerve with you ?

I absolutely stand by my comments earlier - feeling lonely in a marriage is never a good sign, and if you can’t see that then I don’t think you have a good grasp on what healthy relationships look like.

You stand by your point, and I'll stand by disagreeing with you. I don't mind what you think I have a good grasp of.

That's not defensive, that's just how it is.